Passive aggressiveness

[DN]

No I won't leave him completely in the dark. I will tell him (hopefully in an assertive way, as best as I can with what little reading I did today) what I think of what happened and it is unacceptable to me.

 

Then I will tell him I am not hungry and I didn't feel like making him dinner. He can have the left overs from 4th of July by himself while I go throw out the water bottles if any are left.

I am really sorry you are planning on doing this. I feel like I am watching someone walking into an airplane's propellor blades and can't stop them.

[Applewhite]

Why am I the one that is walking into blades when HE chose to bring up private business at a family gathering? In front of ALL of his extended family?

 

Is it so wrong of me to try and not be fake about my feelings? Do you really think the right thing to do is prepare dinner when I don't feel like doing it? He is perfectly capable of preparing dinner for himself. I am sure he wouldn't get hungry without me making him food. I wasn't always around to prepare nice dinners you know. He can bbq ribs, have left overs, have some lucky charms, whatever. He will be fine.

[Applewhite]

Is it better if I prepare him dinner even though I don't feel like it and feel more resentment?

There ARE consequences to his actions and one particular consequence of this is that I don't feel like doing things for him and don't feel comfortable when he does things for me. I will tell him this too. He needs to know the truth. I can't change how I feel.

[DN]

Well, OK. I just think this is going very pear-shaped. I hope it isn't and it all works out for the best.

[Applewhite]

Like I said, I am really not looking forward to this conversation. Is is a bad idea to write it all out in an email instead?

[DN]

Yes - look how many posts get misinterpreted on here.

 

Try to make it about how you feel rather than what he did.

[Applewhite]

I felt embarrassed and angered by your comment about the water bottles in your family's presence and in their house. I would like to hear from you why you felt the need to bring it up and continue on with it when I defended myself.

 

I feel that in addition to being inappropriate and out of place it was a low blow and a passive aggressive approach to dealing with your problems with me.

 

As a consequence of your choice of behavior I feel that you have a problem with picking up my water bottles - which is reasonable. However this makes me resent the things I do for you too. This also makes me feel like you are not genuine when you do things for me, so I don't feel comfortable when you ask me if I need anything.

 

These are unfortunate consequences but you have to know as an adult that when you cross the line and hurt peoples feelings by embarrassing them in front of your extended family, there are unpleasant consequences for both parties. I would like you to know that if you continue to behave this way after my warning I will re-evaluate my relationship with you.

[DN]

Jeez - don't send that or even say it like that. You could be single by tomorrow morning.

[Applewhite]

Jeez - don't send that or even say it like that. You could be single by tomorrow morning.

 

Well if he can't take the truth and man up about his lack of manners, apologize and accept that he crossed the line then maybe I should be DN.

[Applewhite]

Well if he can't take the truth and man up about his lack of manners, apologize and accept that he crossed the line then maybe I should be DN.

 

I would write that in a very different way - but it does not agree with forum rules.

[DN]

If that is what you really want then go ahead and send it. But I think it is a huge mistake - please reconsider. The chances of salvaging a relationship after a message like that are not good. The things you say in it are not recoverable.

[Applewhite]

mfan what do you think?

[Applewhite]

If that is what you really want then go ahead and send it. But I think it is a huge mistake - please reconsider. The chances of salvaging a relationship after a message like that are not good. The things you say in it are not recoverable.

 

 

1. Why do you think they are not recoverable?

2. What would you rather have me say? (Given I refuse to deliver the message via humor, since obviously this is NOT funny to me in the least)

[DN]

I would say that you felt embarrassed by what he said about the waterbottles and ask him to be a little more sensitive to your feelings as being 'called out' in front of his family put you on the spot. And then ask him to talk about a better way to deal with the sort of irritations that crop up with people who live together so that you can make life easier for each other not harder and not bring them up in front of friends and family, Say you realise he probably didn't mean to hurt you but that is how you felt.

[DN]

They are not recoverable because you are accusing him of basically lying about why he does things for you and being passive-aggressive. You gave him an ultimatum that sounded like a threat and implied he was being childish.

[mfan]

I felt embarrassed and angered by your comment about the water bottles in your family's presence and in their house.

I think that's an excellent opening assertive statement.

 

I would like to hear from you why you felt the need to bring it up and continue on with it when I defended myself.

I'd skip this - your goal isn't really to raise any more conflict is it? - after all, you don't really care why he did it; what you want is for him not to do it again.

 

I feel that in addition to being inappropriate and out of place it was a low blow and a passive aggressive approach to dealing with your problems with me.

That's also great.

 

As a consequence of your choice of behavior I feel that you have a problem with picking up my water bottles - which is reasonable.

Good, it's always good to "validate" the other person's feelings when you are being assertive.

 

However this makes me resent the things I do for you too. This also makes me feel like you are not genuine when you do things for me, so I don't feel comfortable when you ask me if I need anything.

I think the first sentence is too strong - remember, this is like telling someone who has no idea - it's going to be like a bombshell to him that you even brought it up at all. ...but the second sentence could work. This might need to be explained more clearly - ie. do you not feel comfortable because it sounds like he doesn't really want to ask you if you need anything, but is just saying that to keep up appearances?

 

These are unfortunate consequences but you have to know as an adult that when you cross the line and hurt peoples feelings by embarrassing them in front of your extended family, there are unpleasant consequences for both parties.

I didn't like this part because you switch from how you feel and what you want to do, to some teacher/child role. I don't think that's ever appropriate for two adults even if one of them is acting like a child. Treating them like a child never gets results except just anger and more conflict.

 

I would like you to know that if you continue to behave this way after my warning I will re-evaluate my relationship with you.

Is that really the consequence you're going for? Not just not going to his family parties anymore, but literally suggesting possibly ending the relationship? Note that if the consequence "seems too extreme" compared to the problem, then it will not "register" in the other person's mind, and it could make the whole argument from the beginning seem weak. E.g. "well if she's exaggerating about that part then the whole thing was probably an exaggeration, so forget this."

 

You don't have to have a consequence; it could end with, "please do not do this again, and if you have any problems with our housekeeping chores, please tell me and we will work something out". I think you'll seem 1 million times more mature than him just be keeping it understated and dignified like that.

 

Just suggestions - certainly don't say anything if it doesn't jive with what you think.

[Applewhite]

I would like to hear from you why you felt the need to bring it up and continue on with it when I defended myself.

I'd skip this - your goal isn't really to raise any more conflict is it? - after all, you don't really care why he did it; what you want is for him not to do it again.

 

Well I DO care. He may not be honest about it - but he may have done this to embarrass me. He may say he did it so I realize - or something like that. OR he may say I am clueless, I didn't know what to say so I made fun of you. It does make a difference to me. Do you see what I am getting at? Was it an honest mistake or purposeful and thought out. In my eyes they are VERY different.

 

However this makes me resent the things I do for you too. This also makes me feel like you are not genuine when you do things for me, so I don't feel comfortable when you ask me if I need anything.

 

I think the first sentence is too strong - remember, this is like telling someone who has no idea - it's going to be like a bombshell to him that you even brought it up at all. ...but the second sentence could work. This might need to be explained more clearly - ie. do you not feel comfortable because it sounds like he doesn't really want to ask you if you need anything, but is just saying that to keep up appearances?

 

For the second part - it bothers me because if you are complaining about something as simple as picking up water bottles then you could potentially complain about many other things, so I don't feel comfortable when you ask me if I want something anymore. I don't feel comfortable having you do things for me. I think this is a big step back in our relationship and to be honest with you I do not know if it can be fixed or how to fix it. Some lines should just not be crossed.

 

 

 

Quote:

I would like you to know that if you continue to behave this way after my warning I will re-evaluate my relationship with you.

Is that really the consequence you're going for? Not just not going to his family parties anymore, but literally suggesting possibly ending the relationship? Note that if the consequence "seems too extreme" compared to the problem, then it will not "register" in the other person's mind, and it could make the whole argument from the beginning seem weak. E.g. "well if she's exaggerating about that part then the whole thing was probably an exaggeration, so forget this."

 

You don't have to have a consequence; it could end with, "please do not do this again, and if you have any problems with our housekeeping chores, please tell me and we will work something out". I think you'll seem 1 million times more mature than him just be keeping it understated and dignified like that.

 

Just suggestions - certainly don't say anything if it doesn't jive with what you think.

 

If this happens again - it is not his family that I have the problem with. It is HIM that I have the problem with. So I don't think staying away from family gatherings is the answer here. And I think it is more powerful if he KNOWS there are consequences. Because sometimes when you break things they are hard or impossible to repair. His mindless comments have already taken a blow at our relationship more than once. There needs to be consequences and he needs to know them. If this is the pattern he is setting I would rather be alone than be with him. Shouldn't he know that?

[karvala]

Okay, a few thoughts on this.

 

Firstly, I can entirely why you're upset about this, but also why others are finding that a bit more hard to understand. There's a lot of information in the non-verbal part of this that we're not privy to; it depends largely on his tone of voice and body language at the time, in order to figure out his intent. You're convinced that his intent was to humiliate you in front of his relatives, and so I'll take that as a given, but it's worth being aware that this isn't always the case when someone says something like that.

 

Now the question is why, what you can do about it, and ultimately what you want to achieve.

 

You're as upset as you are about this because it strongly reminds you of how your father used to be, and believe me, I understand that. That means, though, that there is responsibility for your reaction on both sides; clearly your bf shouldn't be doing anything that he knows is likely to provoke such feelings within you, but you also have to recognise that your reaction is exceptionally strong not because of your bf, but because of your father. Honestly, most people would be upset, but not to the point of considering a breakup.

 

There is clearly another factor in your strong reaction here which IS to do with your bf and your current relationship, and that's an underlying resentment. You know as well as I do that no relationship can survive long on mutual goodwill. I do good stuff for you, you do good stuff for me, and we're both happy about it and we both feel that the other cares about us. The moment one side stops doing things, or one side stops being happy about things, you have a breakdown of goodwill followed by a land grab; each side gains as much territory in the relationship as they can, by confrontation if necessary. That almost invariably leads to the end of the relationship, and it's unpleasant when it happens. I mention this because it seems that there is just a slight sense of that beginning to happen here. You were not happy with the situation in the backyard for a while (and I don't blame you; it would be completely unacceptable to me), and he is clearly not happy with whatever it is he's doing for you (not the water bottles, other things). Critically, neither of you were able to communicate this to each other until you reached breaking point, and his instinct then was to hurt you to get the message that he's not happy, and your instinct now is to hurt him to show how much you're hurting. Strength is good, boundaries are good, standing your ground is good, not tolerating what you regard as unacceptable is good, but you both have to put it in the way that is most likely to achieve what you want, and waiting until breaking point and then starting a war clearly isn't it.

 

You're fully entitled to be angry, and given your background I can see why you're as angry as you are, and he shouldn't have provoked you like that, and he should know that. So yes, we can say he's guilty here, as well as with the backyard etc.. But what do you want to achieve? If it's anything short of breakup, then you need to summon all of your strength, let him know that you're unhappy and why, but follow it immediately with a genuine attempt at goodwill and reconciliation. You can stand your ground and still be the better person, and hopefully he will learn from your example. If you just enter into contest of strength now instead, all that will happen is that you will both be wounded, and your relationship may not survive. I don't think you really want to wake up to that tomorrow.

[Applewhite]

Sure, everything you wrote sounds reasonable and rational. But I don't know how to be the bigger person when I don't feel like making an attempt at good will. I think he is the one that needs to be making the attempts at this point.

 

I will explain to him what I feel and why. And ask him to tell me, NOW if he has problems with housekeeping or anything else. But while doing that remember that goodwill and consideration for others goes both ways and complaining about water bottles when there is crap right in front of the door is a little unfair.

[Applewhite]

I guess I must seem very stubborn from what I write. But I don't know how to be nice and act like everything is OK when indeed it is not. It feels to fake and makes me feel more resentment than I already feel.

[charity]

yes he needs to know that...... so he can see how angry and unforgiving you are, and then you both can decide what you want to do.

 

its like this, he said something jokingly, but obviously it had truth in it. it was a little petty considering he is a bit sloppy himself, and he said it at the wrong place, wrong time. i think a healthy way of dealing would be this

 

''you know the other day when you said that stuff about the water bottles? that was a bit inappropriate you know, its not like i can really defend myself when we're at YOUR familys place. please dont do that again ok, it really hurt and you know i'm sensitive about stuff like that. and by the way lets talk about that dog crap...''(jokingly).

now that is what i think is healthy to resolving this, you air your feelings, he hears you, he doesnt do it again,

 

but i will say this honestly hike...... i would be SCARED if i was in a relationship with someone thinking and feeling THIS strongly over this PARTICULAR SITUATION. big red flag.

[karvala]

Sure, everything you wrote sounds reasonable and rational. But I don't know how to be the bigger person when I don't feel like making an attempt at good will. I think he is the one that needs to be making the attempts at this point.

 

I will explain to him what I feel and why. And ask him to tell me, NOW if he has problems with housekeeping or anything else. But while doing that remember that goodwill and consideration for others goes both ways and complaining about water bottles when there is crap right in front of the door is a little unfair.

 

Of course it's unfair. I only tell you that you need to somehow find it in you to be the bigger person on this occasion because you only control your own actions. It's no use me telling you that HE needs to show goodwill (which he certainly does!), because there's nothing you can directly do about that. The situation needs both of you to show goodwill, and from your perspective the most likely way for that to happen is for you to initiate, after first expressing your unhappiness with how he's behaved towards you (which should definitely do as well).

 

Believe me, I know you don't want to, and I know it doesn't seem fair, but the name of the game is to do what works, not what's fair. If knocking him out with a ten-ton hammer would do the job, I'd tell you to go right ahead, but sadly it won't.

[karvala]

I guess I must seem very stubborn from what I write. But I don't know how to be nice and act like everything is OK when indeed it is not. It feels to fake and makes me feel more resentment than I already feel.

 

You don't need to ACT like everything is okay. You certainly need to make your unhappiness clearly known, discuss it with him as calmly as possible, and then ACTUALLY make things okay. As in, no hidden resentment on either side. If it helps, remember the good things, the reason you're with him, the positive things he does. Offset it against those if that will help feel more positive towards him. You shouldn't sweep it under the carpet, but there should be a positive plan for the moment after the discussion has stopped.

[Applewhite]

I will try my best. But at the moment when I look at him, I see a big hairy behind instead of a persons head.

[karvala]

I will try my best. But at the moment when I look at him, I see a big hairy behind instead of a persons head.

 

LMAO! Maybe you can hand him a razor at the end of the discussion?