When your ex doesn't contact you, is it hate or indifference?

[Live-N-Learn]

I see her looking at my MySpace page every day....

 

How do you see your ex looking at your page? Just curious

[intolerable]

My reply to the OP is the never-ending response: it depends.

 

When my ex broke up with me, I went NC after I stopped trying to get back together with him. My first reason was because I needed to move on. And then a lot of crap happened between us after that so it eventually came to the point that I refuse to talk to him because I was pissed at him. After about... six months or so it turned into indifference. And I had no desire to contact him, even if I can think up of reasons why I should, I just had.. no mood for it.

[QuirkyCute]

I'll bite.

 

I feel that there is truth to much of what you have said in your post, but, with that, much of what you said comes down to perspectives. To me, most of what occurs from the dumper's side of a break up is selfish (barring a need to get out of an abusive relationship). They get everything that they want: to end the relationship on their terms without any say from the dumpee, to determine the terms of communication after the breakup (even in cases where the dumpee has requested NC and the dumper periodically breaks it), and refusing communication, explanation, and niceties (in many cases) after it's all said and done. Because you've been the dumpee, you can plainly see that all of this is more that simply "selfish in a sense", as you have said. It is completely selfish.

 

When I read the many posts here from dumpees from a multitude of situations, it seems clear to me that many people have been gutted, and there is absolutely NO REASON for that to be the case. Sure, breakups hurt. Terribly so. But does the dumpee HAVE to be gutted by the dumper? Does the dumper have to be incredibly cold and callous? Does the dumper HAVE to chose not to explain anything? Does the dumper have to be so mean? I mean, they are out of the relationship now. They got what they wanted, right? Why be so hateful?

 

So, yes, the dumper is "just doing what they need to do" by ending the relationship. But many people's dumpers have done a complete 180 and act like totally different people. It is completely reasonable to wonder what the dumper is thinking about the dumpee in situations like that (be it hate or indifference, or anything and nothing at all). It serves a purpose (and it is a matter of opinion whether it is a productive one): It gives the dumpee something to think about, something to analyze, because many, MANY times, reasons for the breakup are not given. Do we need reasons? As many of us learn, we absolutely do not. With time, we even feel that if we were given reasons as things stand at that moment, that we wouldn't care. Too much water under the bridge and all that. But analyzing the breakup and searching for answers and reasons are things that people do to get them to the point that they simply cannot be bothered anymore. At that point, we can say that we don't care what the dumper thinks about, but, for many people, we simply cannot do that a moment before that point.

 

I guess what I'm really trying to say is: asking and analyzing are coping mechanisms. Even the most amicable breakup would involve a degree of the later (perhaps in both the dumper and the dumpee). But the degree to which people ask and analyze, in my opinion, is related to the severity of the breakup. The worse the breakup, the more selfish the dumper, the more the dumpee will and ask wonder what is going on in their minds.

[hater13]

Ok I've come to terms with it.

 

In my case my ex just doesn't care. He doesn't want to hear from me and would rather not talk to me. I'm sure he was relieved when I told him I couldn't be his friend.

 

 

[britomart]

Mintya - your POV (out of respect and to move on) is the one I did not mention in my initial post. I firmly believe that these sentiments are a rarity in the majority of cases on ENA.

 

Most of the people here got shafted in some way after the break-up, whether it was their ex wanted to be friends and dropped off the face of the earth, their ex fed played games with them, their ex treated them cruelly, etc.

 

It was a very painful time for me...but when my ex-ex broke up with me, he did not feed me any BS about wanting to be friends / he'll always care for me / that he'll be there. It was a clean break-up, and it helped me move on a bit easier - considering that it was a 6 year relationship.

 

With my ex, I got all of those lines from him. He was SELFISH, and didn't let me go then... I was WEAK and wasn't able to let go. I went through 3 full months of verbal abuse because soon after the break-up, he was unable to comprehend other people's pain. It was a 4 month relationship - and I am in far more anguish than I ever was with my 6 year relationship.

 

In short, I think dumpers who don't respect the dumpees' feelings after the break-up aren't going through the same pain as the dumpees because they are unable to empathize.

 

 

 

Analyzing is not healthy - I know that full well. However, I am but human and sometimes despite our best efforts, we fall short. And that's what ENA is for right?

 

Deep down we all seek validation from those we care for - it's difficult to let go of that. To say that once he or she leaves you, whatever the ex does simply doesn't matter is perhaps too much of a simplification. I do feel that coming to peace with oneself is very important, and it does involve letting go of expectations.

 

Well, that's my dilemma now anyway.

[QuirkyCute]

I'm threadjacking, but I have good intentions, so I'll continue:

 

Hater13, it breaks my heart to read posts like yours because I once felt the way that you do. You're probably a very nice person, and like many others here, you don't deserve to be treated the way you have been treated (no matter what his reasons for acting this way are). Because your ex will not act they way he used to (or the way that you would prefer), all I can suggest is that you look to yourself for happiness. You most surely will get it if it is what you want.

 

What I tell myself is (and it is more that just what I tell myself--it's true!) that one day, I will look back on this and feel silly for being so upset, that one day, I'll be happier all by myself (and I already am!), and even happier with a wonderful man who will not treat me the way that my ex has, and that one day I couldn't be bothered with this. You probably have a bright future. Find the person inside of yourself (we sometimes lose ourselves in relationships), and reinvent you!

[britomart]

Yes, that is what I was tying to say (and might not have gotten accross). Break-ups involve 2 people - and I think there is no reason for the dumper end it in a disrespectful manner.

 

Thanks QuirkyCute for the "coping mechanisms" comment. I had this nagging thought about why I was going around circles in my head...

[QuirkyCute]

Britomart, when I analyzed the breakup I felt like a crazy person. I would literally spend HOURS thinking about what happened (and my grades were a terrible reflection of that). But, all that analyzing and thinking (although it did not lead me to any concrete answers about what was going on, only semi-accurate theories at best, as far as I know) made me feel better. I am not a person who can say, "Okay, it's over. The hell with them now. Let's get ice cream!", and let that be it. Now when I say "I don't care", anyone can rest assured that I mean it!

[britomart]

QuirkyCute, good for you. I'm not really sure where all this analyzing is going either, and it's putting a bit of a dent in my productivity to be honest, not not every journey of self-healing is a straight line. And now I have 3.5 months of post-breakup actions to analyze - by my rough estimations I shall be over it in about 7 months.

 

Actually, your ex sounds a bit like mine...the unexpectedness, the reasons (I wasn't the one, too many differences, LDR). Mine was GIGS, and after 3.5 months of him turning into a complete ****hole, he cut off all contact.

[ForumGuy]

tried to delete this one..not sure how

[BriarRose]

I have to agree with all this. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Especially the bolded part. At least, that has been my experience.

[QuirkyCute]

QuirkyCute, good for you. I'm not really sure where all this analyzing is going either, and it's putting a bit of a dent in my productivity to be honest, not not every journey of self-healing is a straight line. And now I have 3.5 months of post-breakup actions to analyze - by my rough estimations I shall be over it in about 7 months.

 

Actually, your ex sounds a bit like mine...the unexpectedness, the reasons (I wasn't the one, too many differences, LDR). Mine was GIGS, and after 3.5 months of him turning into a complete ****hole, he cut off all contact.

 

What I like about your post is your estimation that you will be over the breakup in about 7 months! You're talking like someone who has goal in mind insofar as getting over this

 

I spoke to two PhD students that I did research with, and they felt (along with everyone else who has heard my side of this) that he's the one with the problem. His issues sound like a combination of everything: being confused, being scared, not knowing what he wants, GIGS, and whatever else you can think of (besides the reason that I was given, which is likely not the truth). That being the case, I could analyze and think all I wanted, but HE was the one with the issues, not me, and knowing that especially helped with my healing. It sounds like your ex is the one with the issues, as well. So, through all of your thinking and analyzing (and possibly crying), you will likely get a better understanding of yourself (at least), and probably a "rose-colored glasses off" understanding of your ex. That speaks of personal growth, and if your ex is the jerk that you describe (and I have no reason not to believe you), personal growth is something that he needs, but won't have. So, tying back into your original post, he may feel hate or indifference, or any shade of gray in between, but it doesn't matter what he's feeling (although we do analyze the whys and hows) because he will be the way he is for a long time (until he hits a wall, at least), and you will be the better person.

[Cheetarah]

I realize all people are in different stages of their grief and healing. Analyzing and asking questions used to be a big way for me to deal with things. After spending so long doing it, feeling pretty much consumed by it and still not having the answers I needed(rather I should say - the answers I wanted), I gave up on it. I'm not about to go get an ice cream cone and celebrate, but I'm also not going to suffer needlessly when I have enough on my plate screwing with my head right now.

 

I also know, much easier said than done. Everyone's got their own ways of coping and dealing. Doesn't mean mine is superior, or that I'm heartless because I choose not to question everything. It's just what works for me. And if this is part of your path to healing, then you absolutely do it.

 

For the record, my last break up was unexpected and awful. He walked out of our home like he was taking a walk and never came back, never called, never e-mailed. He went 1000 miles away to his family, and I had to figure that out myself while simultaneously going through a miscarriage. And I don't care much to figure out why. The whole thing is beyond me.

 

But that's simply me. And again, it is what's keeping me afloat.

 

But I do know what it's like. And it sucks! So I truly hope for those of you deeply suffering to find the peace that you need.

[QuirkyCute]

Mintiya, it was never my intention to lessen your way of handling things like this, only to share my own perspectives. Truthfully speaking, after what I have endured with this breakup and the one before it, I can honestly say that I doubt I will spend so much time wondering what is going on in their head should this happen to me again (and I hope and hope and hope that it doesn't). Even though I do feel better with time after analyzing and wondering, it is INCREDIBLY exhausting, and it's even harder to get my work done. I can say, only because I have been there and done that that there simply is no need to analyze the reasons that people have for acting the way they do: simply knowing that they have hurt you is enough to (painfully) move on to the next thing.

[Cheetarah]

QuirkyCute, no worries. I know we are all different.

 

It is totally exhausting! I would get these little 'aha!' moments and then 5 minutes later find something to dispel that belief, lol.

 

As long as YOU are feeling better. That's absolutely all that matters.

[britomart]

I don't have a choice except to get over it, so might as well give myself a time frame.

 

I don't know what issues my ex has, if any. What I do know is that soon after the break-up, he told me that "the break-up was so difficult, it made me a wiser, more compassionate person"...and then he turned into THAT.

 

It might be easier to say he's the one with the problems, but I wasn't perfect either. I'm not ok with everything I did, but I tried...I don't think he has yet acknowledged the contradiction in his words and actions.

[uncomfynumb]

Maybe it is not hate or indifference your ex feels, maybe he/she cares enough to let you go, to let you heal and move on without complicating things with contact?

 

Though I don't understand completely why my ex would ignore me and a small part of me gets upset when I think about it, another part of me thinks that he cares enough about me to push me away so that I don't stay emotionally connected to him, so that I can move on, heal and find someone that can give me the love that I deserve.

 

At the end of the day, we can only assume how anyone feels. Wouldn't it be better to think of your ex in a kind way and believe that he/she thinks about you in a kind way? How much better would it be to believe an act on these thoughts feelings rather than pessimistic, negative, and bitter ones?

 

As I get study more and more on the law of attraction and powerful intentions, I realize how negative thoughts influence just about everything, how thinking negative thoughts about one's ex no matter what is not condusive to having positive experiences with them or anyone else that you might date in the future.

 

If they truly were a butt, forgive them and let it go. Pray that that they find it their heart to treat people in the future and again, let it go...

[britomart]

Maybe it is not hate or indifference your ex feels, maybe he/she cares enough to let you go, to let you heal and move on without complicating things with contact?

 

At the end of the day, we can only assume how anyone feels. Wouldn't it be better to think of your ex in a kind way and believe that he/she thinks about you in a kind way?

 

If they truly were a butt, forgive them and let it go. Pray that that they find it their heart to treat people in the future and again, let it go...

 

I want to give my ex the benefit of the doubt...and while it might be true, this is how it ended.

 

April 10:

me: do you prefer little to limited contact with me from now on?

him: where is the appeal of talking to you when all i get is this emo bull * * * * or very badly forced small talk?

me: i'm not trying to make small talk, and that doesn't really answer the question

him: ok

him: i'll go sleep on it

him: bye

 

April 15th emails:

me: Are you too busy to login to [online game we played] now?

 

him: too busy to login to msn and talk to me yourself? go away yeu-li

 

Followed by:

me: hello

him: last line of the e-mail

me: let's just take care of uto

him: let's just take care of you f***ing off

 

I try to not to speak badly of him, and I bear him no ill-will. I've forgiven him...if there's something I need to forgive (I hate saying forgive because I know I wasn't perfect either).

[JonasWaingaro]

Maybe it is not hate or indifference your ex feels, maybe he/she cares enough to let you go, to let you heal and move on without complicating things with contact?

 

How much better would it be to believe an act on these thoughts feelings rather than pessimistic, negative, and bitter ones?

 

 

See I don't buy the 'cares enough to let you go' line at all. If that were the case, and they really cared at all, they'd tell you that. Not just fall off the face of the planet, and/or ignore you, act annoyed, or become cold and nasty. If it were to 'help' us, it would be very very easy to be honest. But most are not. Is thinking like that negative? I don't think so, it's realistic. They manufacture hate/indifference and just stop caring about us. The path of least resistance.

[d_lilah]

I try to not to speak badly of him, and I bear him no ill-will. I've forgiven him...if there's something I need to forgive (I hate saying forgive because I know I wasn't perfect either).

 

My ex wasn't the nicest person about everything either. He told me I was pathetic and he never wanted to hear from me again. So I find it difficult to believe that his ignoring me was for me to heal. I've seen nothing but selfish behaviour.

 

I wouldn't say I have forgiven him, like you, but I have let it go.

 

In a way i'm almost thankful of his behaviour. While it hurts like hell for someone to act like you don't exist and you never mattered, it definitely took him off his pedastal.

[uncomfynumb]

Britomart,

 

I don't know your whole siituation, how it ended and on what terms but it seems like you were a little pressing and there is missing information here. No need to rehash it. You seem to understand that he was not perfect and you aren't either which is the best that you can do.

 

There is a saying that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...

 

Apparently there were good things about our exes as well or none of us would be having such a hard time moving on and letting go?

 

I really hope that everyone can move past the anger and resentment and get to acceptance. I was able to do that once I decided not to think about it anymore. I gathered and applied willpower. If I can do it, anyone can.

 

If you can't think positive thoughts about your ex, think positive thoughts about the man/woman that you are now free to focus your energy on. Think about the positive qualities they will have and how much better your next relationship will be.

[Hermes]

Brito:

 

Never, ever, beg for crumbs. Dignity is important.

 

Uncomfy:

 

Apparently there were good things about our exes as well or none of us would be having such a hard time moving on and letting go?

 

Not the case. In fact the more one-sided the relationship, the more imbalance there was (no to mention abusive) the harder it is for the "other", the one left, to move on.

 

H

[britomart]

Britomart,

 

I don't know your whole siituation, how it ended and on what terms but it seems like you were a little pressing and there is missing information here. No need to rehash it. You seem to understand that he was not perfect and you aren't either which is the best that you can do.

 

There is a saying that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...

 

Apparently there were good things about our exes as well or none of us would be having such a hard time moving on and letting go?

 

Well, the short version is that for 2 weeks I was trying to "patch things up" after he got angry at me for going on vacation and only selectively responding to his emails. He was in passive-aggressive mode the entire time, and I reached my limit. Hence the (edited) conversation above.

 

I don't think I can agree with the latter in its entirely. In a situation where the "victim" is caught in an abusive cycle where the abuser alternates between cruelty and then promises to change his ways, and the victim agrees to stay...I really don't see the good in the abuser at all.

 

Brito:

Never, ever, beg for crumbs. Dignity is important.

H

 

I figured that out now!

[uncomfynumb]

Brito:

 

Never, ever, beg for crumbs. Dignity is important.

 

Uncomfy:

 

 

 

Not the case. In fact the more one-sided the relationship, the more imbalance there was (no to mention abusive) the harder it is for the "other", the one left, to move on.

 

H

 

Apparently I've never been in an abusive situation that I wanted to stay in or regretted and I've never remained in a relationship that I felt was unbalanced or where I wasn't getting my needs met, not for any length of time anyway.

 

I'm not sure why you chose to stay in your situation for as long as you did if it was bad as you make it. You seem better off. Be happy.

[uncomfynumb]

I don't think I can agree with the latter in its entirely. In a situation where the "victim" is caught in an abusive cycle where the abuser alternates between cruelty and then promises to change his ways, and the victim agrees to stay...I really don't see the good in the abuser at all.

 

So you are the victim of abuse and you are still caught up in what your ex feels about you? This is not healthy at all. Are you talking to a professional about this?