When your ex doesn't contact you, is it hate or indifference?

[Hermes]

So you are the victim of abuse and you are still caught up in what your ex feels about you? This is not healthy at all. Are you talking to a professional about this?

 

I somehow felt this was the case with you, Brito. And as UnC says, I do hope you are talking to a professional about this situation. People get enmeshed in cruel and abusive situations. To the outsider it seems simple: "Just leave". No. Not so simple. The abused party feels that by trying harder and harder s/he will make the abuser kinder towards her, she assumes that she is to blame for the abuse (emotional, mental, verbal), she convinces herself "maybe he is not so bad after all". It is a kind of Stockholm Syndrome.

 

Very sad.

 

H

[learning2relax]

It is easy as the dumpee (I am) to feel as if the dumper can just shut off all feelings and move into paradise in a few short days. I don't buy this at all if you had a significant r/l for a period of time. Yes, they may get over it quicker but remember they have been suffering long before they told you they wanted out. Think of it this way, they already did the majority of their suffering before leaving, now it's the dumpees turn.

 

I get this and agree......HOWEVER - that part that just irks me to no end is how convenient of them to go through this suffering while you (the dumpee) is around for them to lean on or "get used to the idea." Then when you are dumped, they disappear, ignore, etc.... Just seems unfair. Would be nice if they had the decency to recognize that they had you around when they were going through their "suffering" and help you with some of yours. Some - not all. There is the point where enough has to be enough and the break has to be made for both to move on and go their separate ways. But the dump and run? Not nice indeed.

 

My two cents....

[britomart]

Apparently I've never been in an abusive situation that I wanted to stay in or regretted and I've never remained in a relationship that I felt was unbalanced or where I wasn't getting my needs met, not for any length of time anyway.

 

I'm not sure why you chose to stay in your situation for as long as you did if it was bad as you make it. You seem better off. Be happy.

 

I was specifically thinking of a situation within my family, but there may be some similarities. This all happened after the break-up, when I was on my emotional rollercoaster. It was a LDR, so all interactions were verbal; I accepted each of his apologies and he would regress when (it seemed like) I didn't fulfill his expectations. I don't think of him as an abuser...that seems extreme.

 

uncomfynumb and Hermes, thanks for the words of support. I'm in a situation where seeing a professional is almost impossible, and I get the feeling that hotlines may be directed towards a different venue (I live overseas in a non-English speaking country). Thankfully, I've been talking to my sister who has been my emotional bedrock, so to speak.

[wlh22]

I apologize if this a thread like this already exists. I did a quick search and didn't find a similar thread.

 

When your ex doesn't contact you, do you feel that he or she hates you, or is indifferent?

Is hate really better than indifference?

Has anyone had relations improve after hate or indifference from the ex?

 

I'm approaching 50 days of NC. In our last exchange, he said "Too busy to go online and talk to me? Go away." He then responded to my emails by telling me not to send another message. Circumstances being what they are, I've disappeared from his radar, so to say (except for facebook, but then we were never FB friends)

 

It seems like I have to conclude that he simply doesn't care, and move on accordingly.

were you the dumpee or the dumper?

 

was the breakup one decided DECISION or a mutual (for some part mutual) decision?

[britomart]

I was the dumpee. It was his decision - case of GIGS, but the break-up was not clean. He wanted to stay friends...see below:

 

do you think if there was any way to preserve that type of bond

while still making the choice i did

that i wouldn't have?

i wished more than anything i could have the best of both worlds

but that's not possible

keeping what we had

and moving on

 

In short, he wanted his new girl and what we had too. I told him I would try - I ended up withdrawing for days at a time when the pain got too much - paradoxically that would fuel his anger, pulling me back into neediness. Well...there's not much more I can say w/o beating a dead horse.

[brandnewday47]

My dumper keeps getting ahold of me every once in awhile because she feels guilty.

 

My dumper does this too. Not frequently, but every 2-4 weeks she makes sure to "check in" with the obligitory "how are you". Confused me to no end, until I found out there was a third party shortly after our relationship ended. Next time she reaches out will be a different story than every other time, I can tell you that.

 

My only conclusion can be that we had a very intense 1.5 year relationship, and that after a few weeks of nothing there is enough "guilt" that it needs to be alleviated from her perspective.

 

I think also that an argument could be made that if the person didn't possess relationship skills like validation, empathy and general communcation abilities, then they certainly don't possess breakup skills. I'm realizing how deficient my dumper was in all of those areas. Not that I knew much better... BUT in my searches for answers in Feb/March/April, I did make big strides and am miles ahead of where I was when we dated.

 

And Britomart, take care of yourself too

[wlh22]

I was the dumpee. It was his decision - case of GIGS, but the break-up was not clean. He wanted to stay friends...see below:

 

do you think if there was any way to preserve that type of bond

while still making the choice i did

that i wouldn't have?

i wished more than anything i could have the best of both worlds

but that's not possible

keeping what we had

and moving on

 

In short, he wanted his new girl and what we had too. I told him I would try - I ended up withdrawing for days at a time when the pain got too much - paradoxically that would fuel his anger, pulling me back into neediness. Well...there's not much more I can say w/o beating a dead horse.

I have been in a similiar situation. And my conlcusion was that it was her selfish decision to not contact me for both 'no care' and 'her selfish reason to move on'

[britomart]

I have been in a similiar situation. And my conlcusion was that it was her selfish decision to not contact me for both 'no care' and 'her selfish reason to move on'

 

Sorry to hear that. People tend to reveal their "ugly side" post break-up, and it's a shock, especially if it's the dumpee receiving it.