When an old friend asks you to call...

[WomanWriter]

A friend I had in 6th grade moved away, so I recently looked her up on Facebook and sent her a brief "how ya doin?" message. She responded with her current life situation and I responded to what she said and wished her well. My intention in befriending her was to catch up and maybe check in every now and then. She wrote me several times and I responded.

 

Well, she wrote me again immediately after I responded to her last message today and said "I gave you my number. I don't know if you want it or not, but call me."

 

I'm not sure how to respond to this message. I mean, we already caught up.

 

What would you do/have you done with old friends who want to keep talking often when you really just hoped to check in and share good wishes every now and then?

 

I don't want to be a bad friend, but my intention was just to catch up....not keep talking and talking.

 

P.S. The only things I remember about her are her favorite bands and TV shows because those are the subjects we used to talk about in 6th grade (besides boys). I don't know her other than that, so it's kinda weird...

[renaissancewoman101]

Maybe she wants to be better friends with you than just FB buddies.

 

I don't see anything wrong with re-establishing friends. Contacts are always a good thing.

[Batya33]

I think it would be unkind not to call her - what's the big deal in calling her and having a nice catch up conversation? I have a few acquaintances where we just catch up a few times a year but I wouldn't go out of my way to contact someone and ask about their lives if my intention was just to cut things off once I heard or only be in touch once a year or so. Why open the door? Were you trying to see if you were doing "better" than she was? Would you have contacted her if you couldn't have through facebook - that is, if you had to look up her number and track her down, ask people to help you find her?

[WomanWriter]

No, it was just a simple wondering how she's been. I don't have competitive motives. Just because she popped into my head one day and I thought "I wonder what 'Jane' is up to these days" doesn't mean I want to be best friends. Why is it wrong to just want to catch up? Why is it giving her false hope?

 

I've had old friends contact me and FB friend me only to end up chatting with me once or twice, but we still consider each other friends and might talk on occasion. I think it's understood that you aren't going to be close buds with everyone. But I want to handle the situation gracefully so she knows I am happy to talk, but not everyday and then on the phone...

[renaissancewoman101]

Thing is, her giving you the phone number, how do you come to the conclusion she wants to talk everyday on the phone.

 

Maybe she justs wants to chat once in a while. I find it hard to have FB conversations and sometimes would just rather chat on the phone.

[Batya33]

No, it was just a simple wondering how she's been. I don't have competitive motives. Just because she popped into my head one day and I thought "I wonder what 'Jane' is up to these days" doesn't mean I want to be best friends. Why is it wrong to just want to catch up? Why is it giving her false hope?

 

I've had old friends contact me and FB friend me only to end up chatting with me once or twice, but we still consider each other friends and might talk on occasion. I think it's understood that you aren't going to be close buds with everyone. But I want to handle the situation gracefully so she knows I am happy to talk, but not everyday and then on the phone...

 

I agree with Ren - you're jumping to conclusions that she wants to talk regularly on the phone.

 

From now on if your intention is just to catch up on what the other person is doing with their lives I would write in the email something like "it's been a long time since we've been in touch and I just wanted to see how you're doing and what you're doing" - that makes your intentions clearer.

[annie24]

part of me wonders if she has some bad news and doesn't want to say it over facebook??

[Miss Firecracker]

More proof that Facebook Friends are not really Friends. Hilarious post! You should explain this to her, WomanWriter. She must be out of the loop.

[WomanWriter]

I agree with Ren - you're jumping to conclusions that she wants to talk regularly on the phone.

 

From now on if your intention is just to catch up on what the other person is doing with their lives I would write in the email something like "it's been a long time since we've been in touch and I just wanted to see how you're doing and what you're doing" - that makes your intentions clearer.

 

 

Well to be honest, I did state my intentions. She wrote again and I said "That's good. It was nice catching up. Take care." So you would think...

[WomanWriter]

More proof that Facebook Friends are not really Friends. Hilarious post! You should explain this to her, WomanWriter. She must be out of the loop.

 

Right. Some FB friends are people you talk to every day while others are not. Some are aquaintances, some are casual buddies you get together with a few times a year, and others are best buds. That's just life. I don't feel offended by this. There are plenty of people who only check in with me once in a while and I think it is better than nothing. They could never talk to me at all. But I know they have a life and closer friends than me.

[sophie274]

Why can't you just call her once, have a nice chat, wish her well for the future, and then not call her again? I doubt she'll start calling you every day. If you two were good friends back in the day it doesn't seem weird to me that she'd want to have an actual conversation.

[Miss Firecracker]

I have 23 friends on Facebook. There isn't one I wouldn't give my phone number to.

 

Two of these people requested my "Friendship". Fortunately I know better than to contact either of them.

 

WW, if this woman had turned out to be someone famous, would you give her your phone number? Just wondering.

[iBroken]

No, it was just a simple wondering how she's been. I don't have competitive motives. Just because she popped into my head one day and I thought "I wonder what 'Jane' is up to these days" doesn't mean I want to be best friends. Why is it wrong to just want to catch up? Why is it giving her false hope?

 

I've had old friends contact me and FB friend me only to end up chatting with me once or twice, but we still consider each other friends and might talk on occasion. I think it's understood that you aren't going to be close buds with everyone. But I want to handle the situation gracefully so she knows I am happy to talk, but not everyday and then on the phone...

 

 

I agree with you on this one.

 

I would just reply with a note that you have her number......and then leave it at that. Maybe wish her well and that you will chat soon.

 

In real life, Im not a phone person. Never have been. I prefer to email and text rather then chat on the phone (unless its with a great friend or family).

If someone gave me their number and told me to call, I wouldnt.......Id sent them another FB message

[WomanWriter]

I agree with you on this one.

 

I would just reply with a note that you have her number......and then leave it at that. Maybe wish her well and that you will chat soon.

 

In real life, Im not a phone person. Never have been. I prefer to email and text rather then chat on the phone (unless its with a great friend or family).

If someone gave me their number and told me to call, I wouldnt.......Id sent them another FB message

 

Finally, a real answer! I was looking for advice, not a debate...lol.

 

But in all seriousness, I can do that, iBroken...I will reply that I have her number and wish her well. I'm also not a phone person and we were never best buds.

 

Thank you very much.

[JonasWaingaro]

Call her. I don't really understand why you wouldn't, unless you hate phones. If you do tell her you aren't a 'phone' person. Short of that, call her and catch up. You never know, she might become a very good friend. Besides can anyone have too many friends? Worth a simple phone call.

[Batya33]

I think if you contact someone and ask them to fill you in on what is going on in their lives then it's rude to ignore that person just because she wanted to have a simple phone conversation. If she had contacted you first I would feel differently.

 

As far as a debate, seems to me you just wanted validation that you could walk away once you got the information you wanted from her.

 

Watch - someday you'll need something from her - news on a mutual friend, a job lead, whatever - and you'll regret that you couldn't take out 10-15 minutes to call her and be pleasant and friendly.

[iBroken]

I think thats a bit harsh.

 

Clearly she has functioned in this world without the immediate companionship from this person. Just because she doesnt want to chat with this person on the phone doesn't mean shes a bad person that should just wait until she needs that friend to learn a lesson.

 

I have tons of high school/university friends on my facebook and we chat via comment updates, messages or wall posts. Now if any of these people gave me their number, I would take it down and that would be the end of it.

 

Some people arent phone people. Thats just how it goes.

 

Anywho - im not into debating on this subject matter...clearly there are facebook people and phone people.

 

I use my phone for apps, games, text and web surfing LOL....Im really not a phone person

[Batya33]

I think thats a bit harsh.

 

Clearly she has functioned in this world without the immediate companionship from this person. Just because she doesnt want to chat with this person on the phone doesn't mean shes a bad person that should just wait until she needs that friend to learn a lesson.

 

I have tons of high school/university friends on my facebook and we chat via comment updates, messages or wall posts. Now if any of these people gave me their number, I would take it down and that would be the end of it.

 

Some people arent phone people. Thats just how it goes.

 

Anywho - im not into debating on this subject matter...clearly there are facebook people and phone people.

 

I use my phone for apps, games, text and web surfing LOL....Im really not a phone person

 

 

I don't think she's a bad person. I think her behavior in reaching out to this person and asking this person to catch her up on her life, then balking at the idea of a phone call is a bit rude. I think it's fine if she isn't a phone person but it seems to me she's concerned that this person will want to talk regularly on the phone. One phone call doesn't mean that in the least.

 

I don't think she should learn a lesson - I do think burning a bridge for this (in my opinion) silly reason doesn't make much sense and she might regret it in the future.

 

Hope that clarified your misreading of my post.

[sophie274]

Does this person live close to you, WW?

 

Obviously you can do what iBroken said and it won't be rude. But why not give it a shot? Didn't you write recently that you were lonely and did not have much going on outside of church? Maybe you and she would really get along - or you could at least have a regular penpal that you enjoy hearing from. She seems friendly and eager, so why shut the door?

 

That's my view. If you could use a friend at this point in your life, why not give her a chance? You might like her!

[Juxtapoz]

the curiosity is settled and you know how she's doing. now you should delete her.

[penelope13]

I think this is just another example of WW not knowing what she really wants at the moment: she jumps into situations out of a momentary emotional need but fails to think about what effect it might have on the other person. Once she is confronted with unexpected outcomes/ reactions, her instinct is to feel crowded and to want to run away, yet making herself out to be somewhat of a victim of the unreasonable expectations/reactions/ behavior of the other person.

 

I am not writing this to upset you WW, but to suggest to take a really hard and honest look at yourself. What is it that you are so angry about, what is it that you fear so much?

[hexaemeron]

I think this is just another example of WW not knowing what she really wants at the moment: she jumps into situations out of a momentary emotional need but fails to think about what effect it might have on the other person. Once she is confronted with unexpected outcomes/ reactions, her instinct is to feel crowded and to want to run away, yet making herself out to be somewhat of a victim of the unreasonable expectations/reactions/ behavior of the other person.

 

I am not writing this to upset you WW, but to suggest to take a really hard and honest look at yourself. What is it that you are so angry about, what is it that you fear so much?

 

Honestly agree 100%.

[Pinnsvini]

Why would calling her be such a big deal? Why talk to someone to catch up on all their gossip but fear a phonecall so much? If someone I used to be good friends with started chatting to me on Facebook for a lengthy amount of time I'd prefer to call too.

You're acting like it's going to be a continual obligation for the rest of your life, when it's just one phonecall. What harm would reestablishing an old friendship do?

 

It seems very weird that you are so avoidant to phoning someone WW.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think this is just another example of WW not knowing what she really wants at the moment: she jumps into situations out of a momentary emotional need but fails to think about what effect it might have on the other person. Once she is confronted with unexpected outcomes/ reactions, her instinct is to feel crowded and to want to run away, yet making herself out to be somewhat of a victim of the unreasonable expectations/reactions/ behavior of the other person.

 

I am not writing this to upset you WW, but to suggest to take a really hard and honest look at yourself. What is it that you are so angry about, what is it that you fear so much?

 

Please bear with me, WW, as this post IS giving you advice.

.

Maybe I'm missing something, but why contact someone via FB if you don't have intentions of keeping in contact with them, even sporadically? I guess I don't understand why you would be curious about someone and how they're doing but not want to ever talk to them again after contacting them once on FB.

 

I have FB, and the people I have as *friends* on there are all people I would want to catch up with -- either by phone or e-mail -- every once in awhile. Most of my FB friends are people I am actually friends with in real life, anyway, so it's not an issue -- I talk to them at least semi-regularly. I "ignore" friend requests from people I would not want to have any correspondence with (my scary college roommate, the girl who bullied me in grade school, etc.)

 

I'm not trying to lecture you here -- I'm just really puzzled as to why you contacted her to begin with if you didn't wish to maintain any sort of even sporadic correspondence. My advice, since that's what you wanted: Don't call her. In your position, I probably would call her, but you clearly don't want to have a friendship with her, and I think it would be best not to call her because otherwise she may get the feeling that you DO want a friendship with her, and you would just be leading her on, in a sense. She might really need or want a friend, and it would be better not to give her the impression that you are friends if you do not wish to befriend her. And, as another poster suggested, perhaps you should de-friend her on FB so that she won't continue to contact you, since this is clearly not what you want, and I think it would be better if you defriended her now than if you ignored her future attempts to contact her.