Before marriage

[Hermes]

Premarital counseling is even more important than simply discussing these questions before getting married -- especially if one partner is afraid of getting married. But if counseling isn't an option, these discussion starters will help engaged couples learn important things about one another.

 

link removed

[Capricorn3]

Back in the "good ol days" there was never such a thing as premarital counselling, lol. And now, with counselling for every tiny thing, it doesn't seem to have the desired effect, as we still see thousands of young marriages barely lasting 2 years - and that was WITH receiving premarital "counseling". I find it pretty interesting.

 

Hermes, I noticed you post a lot of these things and was wondering where you find all this stuff?

[Hermes]

Well, Capricorn, pre-marital courses have been around for quite a while, but not that many people avail of them. I am not saying they are a panacea, but I think they may give some pause for thought.

 

I suppose, C, in real life I have had to listen to so many people who be-moan their break-up, and related problems (I know, I should be charging them! LOL). So, on the net I have had to find stuff tomaybe print and give them, and also to give me some perspective. I generally tell people though to go and see a counsellor, as that is not my job.

 

However, many have told me they found my listening and advice invaluable.

 

Hermes

[Capricorn3]

Oh, I am sure it is helpful to some people. I just prefer the old school stuff, it works for me, lol.

[Hermes]

Yeh, Capri, that is what I generally provide, to those that come wailing "what should I do".

 

The soundest advice I can give, and I don't give it unless asked either. And I preface it with: "you may not like what I am going to say", and "are you all right with that". LOL

 

Heh heh

 

Hermes

[Hermes]

I've also discovered that many people don't actually know WHAT they want, as in they do not have a clear idea even of who they are themselves, never mind who the "other" is.

 

Hermes

[Capricorn3]

I've also discovered that many people don't actually know WHAT they want, as in they do not have a clear idea even of who they are themselves, never mind who the "other" is.

And then people wonder why things don't work out.... Oh dear, lol.

[sidehop]

I feel these discussion whether the couple is getting married or not is vital at any stage; even such counseling during any healthy relationship is sometimes essential. There's always room for improvement as well as keeping such relationship alive.

[DN]

My wife and I never received counselling before marriage.

 

What makes someone an expert on marriage anyway? I have been married 35 years and certainly don't consider myself qualified to counsel someone contemplating marriage.

[Hermes]

I feel these discussion whether the couple is getting married or not is vital at any stage; even such counseling during any healthy relationship is sometimes essential. There's always room for improvement as well as keeping such relationship alive.

 

Ab * * * * ely agree, Sidehop.

 

Hermes

[Hermes]

Heh heh what's wrong with "ab solute ly"?

 

A new "bad" word LOL??

Hermes

[Hermes]

Well, DN, you evidently have had a good marriage (35 years) so surely there is much you would have to say about what makes a marriage work (or not)? Yes?

 

Hermes

[LilBear]

I think it is important that both person's views on marriage are similar and compatible. It makes for a lasting marriage.

[Hurting85]

My husband and I were required to do it. We'd already gone through workbooks and talked about things that were important to each of us. Honestly, the counseling was a joke. The chaplain had a book that he kind of skimmed through out loud to us and maybe occasionally asked a question. They usually run it for two sessions but after reading to us, decided we only needed the one session... I don't understand what he got from that, but I was glad he barely skimmed the chapter on sex.

[Hermes]

Very true, Lilbear.

 

And that includes the practical stuff, which is also very very important, like economics, who manages what, to have separate accounts or not, and so on.

 

However, before the marriage it is important to find out - and I mean seriously find out - if the "other" is a gambler, alcoholic, not to keen on work, the list goes on. Many do not want to see such "flaws" (understatement) because it is a question of "get married at al costs.".

 

Hermes

[Hermes]

Hurting:

 

That "chaplain" was evidently not very good at his job and probably not qualified. I was not referring specifically to pre-marriage counselling in a religious context, but rather in a secular one.

 

.

[Seraphim]

It might be beneficial to some, what people are lacking today is persistence. They are so into instant gratification they think any form of obstacle is a reason to give up. Their eyes are only trained on what is going to please them in that moment. Basically their brain has been trained by the instant gratification and throw away society that everything should be instantaneous be of little work. If something is work now and again there is something wrong with it. If you do not like something being work and that includes friendships. relationships,marriage, your kids, then it is a perfectly OK preference to throw it all away like it was a broken toaster and get another one. Cause after all only THIER preferences matter in the whole wide world. The MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME lifestyle. Scary.

[Hermes]

There is a lot of truth in that, Victoria.

 

everything should be instantaneous be of little work.

 

Hermes

[sidehop]

Heh heh what's wrong with "ab solute ly"?

 

A new "bad" word LOL??

Hermes

 

I'll check with the admins...I don't know why it would be!

[sophie274]

Heh heh what's wrong with "ab solute ly"?

 

A new "bad" word LOL??

Hermes

 

I just looked - you misspelled and had ab s l u t ely (typoed the o out), and that word is not allowed on ENA, hence the edit.

 

absolutely is just fine!

[sophie274]

My impression has always been that pre-marital counseling was not so much advice being given, as a way to get couples to think about important questions BEFORE they got married. I've read a few articles about week-end premarital counseling retreats, and it's quite amazing how many engaged couples have not even talked about things like:

- how they will manage finances

- whether they want children more than just in passing

- religious differences and children

and a lot of other things that to me seemed like they should have come up while dating!

 

So I think it's a good way to get couples talking.

 

When my parents went for pre-marital counseling, the priest hit on her! He was later de-frocked for sexual harassment or assault (not because of my mother).

[newwave]

Most of those questions are ones I bring up (or he does) before I get serious. Why waste my time dating someone a few years only to find out they don't want kids, or expect a stay at home wife?

[Hermes]

Correct Sophie:

 

My impression has always been that pre-marital counseling was not so much advice being given, as a way to get couples to think about important questions BEFORE they got married. I've read a few articles about week-end premarital counseling retreats, and it's quite amazing how many engaged couples have not even talked about things like:

- how they will manage finances

- whether they want children more than just in passing

- religious differences and children

 

In the midst of the romantic fog, people don't think of such practicalities.

 

Again, I think pre-marital courses should be conducted in a secular environment.

 

Hermes

[Hermes]

Oh dear, Sophie!

Typing too fast! LOL

 

Hermes

[sophie274]

Oh dear, Sophie!

Typing too fast! LOL

 

Hermes

 

Not a problem! I was a bit puzzled too before I realized what had happened.