A NIGHT TO FORGET, please i need advice

[hblakely]

Okay, so last night I celebrated my birthday, and let's just say I went downtown to a few bars and had a little too much fun. In other words, I got extremely drunk. Sooo, I go back to my friends house with a few people and we all end up having a 5some.. like i'm talking I was handcuffed to the bed. And one of my guy friends ends up having sex with me while i'm handcuffed with like 7 other people in the room.. I don't remember saying that he could do this. But then again, I was so drunk that I might have and I just don't remember.

 

I am having a really hard time dealing with this. This is so out of my element, as I have only had sex with 4 people in my entire life, 3 of which I was in a relationship with. I feel disgusting, I feel dirty, I'm ashamed of myself and worst of all I'm afraid of this getting out. Also, I don't think the guy used a condom and he was also drunk so I don't know what happened with that either..

 

I'm basically freaking out. And i don't know what to do. Can someone, anyone please offer me some advice? or share similiar stories? or say anything that might make me feel better?

 

This is awful.

[Fudgie]

I'm so sorry. I don't have a similar experience because I don't drink for the reason that your story described. I'm so sorry. People do nutty things when they drink too much.

 

I will say this: clean up. Drink a lot of water and take a bath, maybe a bubble bath? Also, go out and get tested. I mean for everything...pregnancy, STDs. 6 months from now, do it again to make sure there's no HIV. Ok? Do that ASAP.

 

We all do stupid crap...we all make mistakes. Can you agree that this was a mistake? Apologize to yourself and take measures to make it not happen again. As long as you learn something from this, it's going to be okay.

 

By the way, was this your 21st birthday? I've heard horror stories stemming from that. You need to be careful.

[hblakely]

Thank you so much, and honestly that did make me feel better. The apologizing to myself part was good, and I did learn that I will NEVER get that drunk again. I guess that's a really good way to look at it.

 

And no, this was my 20th. sadly enough..

 

Thank you again.

[misssmithviii]

I'm 19 so I've done quite a bit of partying myself and I had a situation quite similar once, it was embarrassing and what I swore from then on was to NEVER get drunk without my man, never in public where I am vulnerable while inebriated and to keep my fun in check. We all go through times where we make a mistake and must forgive ourselves. It's ok just definitely do what Fudgie said... you'll be fine

[addictedblue]

One time I went to my friend's house to meet her new boyfriend. It was just my friend, her new boyfriend, and a bunch of his friends who I didn't know either. I drank too much and ended up throwing up on myself and they had to change my clothes and wash me off and drive my car to my apartment. Apparently I said some funny stuff but they won't tell me what those things are and I can only assume because those things are probably embarrassing. I woke up hours later not knowing what happened and feeling extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable with myself. For days and days I just kept thinking about it and would just cringe with embarrassment.

 

I know my story isn't quite as bad as yours but I can say that it gets better. Each day that goes by you stop caring. It's just one of those things. I'm sure you've done other things in the past you wish you hadn't done...and you've gotten over those right? In a while you aren't going to keep thinking about it. It'll cross your mind and you'll just be like "whatever." Seriously.

 

How well do you know the people that were in the room? And the guy who had sex with you? If you don't even know them then just go about your daily life. I'm sure other people in the 5some are embarrassed about it too.

 

Just remember: Nobody thinks about you as much as you think they do...nobody. Think of something that a friend has done that you know they were embarrassed about. How often do you think about it? Probably never...and it's the same way in their heads. Just remember the phrase "this too shall pass" because it really will. In the mean time try to redirect your thoughts away from it and quit trying to remember exactly what happened.

[dan92]

What the hell, you say you were drunk right, you may have allowed the person to have sex with you, which is morally wrong on his part, but if you didnt allow him then surely this classes as rape?

[HeartGoesOn]

Were these people strangers that you went to your friends house with? And where was your friend when this happened?

[annie24]

If you don't remember consenting, this is possibly sexual assault and rape.

[Hurting85]

Since it hasn't been said- go to a pharmacy and get Plan B. If you're in school, the on-campus pharmacy should carry it. I'm not 100%, but I don't think you need a prescription and since you're over 18, you don't need permission. I would also consider having some tests done. Always better safe than sorry. And I don't say that to scare you, just as a reminder than you can do some things to help yourself physically.

 

As to what happened, I'm very, very sorry. If it does get out, don't tell people you were drunk and can't rightly remember. Just tell them something else and don't get defensive.

 

I don't know how all the rules work, but if you were drunk, then without saying yes to having sex, it's still rape. You weren't in any condition to refuse it.

 

The other thing to remember- we're all human, we all make mistakes. Go easy on yourself, forgive yourself and learn from it.

[catfeeder]

This may not be comforting, but if it gets out, this stuff happens so often, nobody will remember it after next week.

 

My heart goes out to you. I hope you'll give yourself a break and treat yourself kindly. Once you were handcuffed it doesn't matter what you said, that's not consensual.

[BellaDonna]

Definitely get the morning after pill and also call your doctor.

 

Is there anyone in the group that you trust more than the others and that was sober? You might want to go to that person to find out more about the sequence of events that took place.

[DD123]

i feel your pain. i drank too much once and had a bad sexual experience as well....a same-sex experience. ugh. i felt quite dirty and disgusting after as well. luckily i didnt have to worry about pregnancy though >.> i learned from it and have decided not to drink anymore. hopefully you can learn too. ...i hope everything works out okay for you, and just try to learn from it

[Fudgie]

Thank you so much, and honestly that did make me feel better. The apologizing to myself part was good, and I did learn that I will NEVER get that drunk again. I guess that's a really good way to look at it.

 

And no, this was my 20th. sadly enough..

 

Thank you again.

 

I'm glad I could help.

 

Yes, it sounds like you learned a lesson. You know, many people go out and get drunk like that a LOT and never learn, so that's not good. You're doing the right thing.

 

Feel better.

[Fudgie]

What the hell, you say you were drunk right, you may have allowed the person to have sex with you, which is morally wrong on his part, but if you didnt allow him then surely this classes as rape?

 

The law is sketchy here.

 

If during intercourse, ONE person is sober while the other is too drunk to give consent, then yes, it's raped.

 

If all are drunk, then it's not rape...no one was able to give consent, so no one can be blamed.

I'm not one of the feme-nazis at my school who believe that the male should be blamed for EVERYTHING even if both the male and female were drunk.

 

From OP's story though, it sounds like everyone was pretty darn well plastered but I could be wrong. Only she can know if she asks people.

[Rose21]

I'm coming up on my 21st in June, and I don't drink for this exact reason!

 

I went to a rave for 2 years, but believe it or not NEVER touched a drug etc! I don't like going to parties anymore, maybe I'm getting old (hah!) But I'd MUCH rather go out with one, or a few friends to a movie, a new resteraunt, or a quiet get together.

 

I'm a Criminal Justice major, frankly I don't trust people. IF I go to a party, I don't drink. Few sips at most. I don't let anyone get my drink unless it's a best friend or boyfriend, I WATCH people make my drink if they insist. Usually, I just bring my own drink!

 

when I turn 21, I plan on having one cocktail but that's it. I've never been drunk, I don't ever plan to be. I haven't had alcohol in 3 yrs? Sounds about right.

 

We all do things we arn't proud of, and IF I ever got that drunk, which I wouldn't, but if I had drank as much as you did I'd prob be dead! Also, very low tolerance.

 

A lot of times when we don't know our limits, things get out of control.

 

It SOUNDS like there was some fowl play going on.

 

Could you of been slipped something in your drink? He could of taken advantage of you. Was he very drunk too? (If he was, it isn't rape)

 

Do you normally party/drink like this?

 

We all make mistakes though, I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. If we didn't, we wouldn't be human.

 

BUT you need to make sure he used a condom, are you on b-control? If not, get the plan B! And if he didn't use a condom, get tested for STDS.

[Baily]

Call Planned Parenthood...they are the expert in all of this...the HIV testing can't be done for 6 months...it wouldn't show.

 

Don't feel ashamed or dirty...or it'll haunt you the rest of your life.

 

It was one night where you got carried away...had a little too much fun and let it be.

 

For your sake and every partner you ever have...you MUST laugh this off as a crazy night...or you'll be beating yourself up forever...don't let that happen....

 

...it was just one crazy night...

[My3sStillRacing]

You made a mistake. Yes, you drank way too much, and yeah, you probably deserve to be beating yourself up over it a little bit. But that's how we learn from our mistakes. So cliché, I know.

 

Get tested, like everyone suggested. If you know the people, maybe try to laugh it off with them. If you don't, try to avoid them at all costs. You don't need reminders if you really feel that terrible about it. This is what guilt is.. and promiscuity can make you feel a certain amount of shame.

 

Just remember, everyone does things they regret. There are probably tons of people out there who've had drunken orgies.

 

If you don't feel better within a few weeks, I'd talk to someone. Doesn't mean you have to divulge every single detail, but maybe you could see someone about putting the past in the past or learning to forgive yourself.

 

Good luck!

[Rose21]

And having sex with ONE guy friend while 5 people were in the room does not constitute as a 5-some.

 

You would have to have sex with all 5 of those people at the same time, taking turns etc, for it to be considered that.

 

With that in mind, if it was just that one guy, I wouldn't say it was THAT big of deal. But you still need to get tested/plan B etc.

 

If you had sex with 5 guys at once, than yes you should be beating yourself up about that a little.

 

But from what I read, you didn't.

[hblakely]

i'm sorry to have taken so long to respond!

 

I was with my two very best friends that night, the guy was a guy that I have known since I was in highschool and he knows my brother, and is usually a really good guy from what I have heard, and the other girl was the guy's friend. The more I talked about it with my two best friends, because they were not as drunk as I was, the better i felt about it. One of my friends told him to put a condom on, even while she was drunk, which is why she is my best friend. she's amazing. so he started without one but then put one on, and from what one of my friends said, I don't think he even finished.. so that was AWESOME to hear. still though, I am going to take all of the precautions that you all suggested, just to be safe.

 

and as far as it being rape, i don't think that was the case at all. we were all extremely drunk, me being the drunkest, and things just got out of hand. and, yes, the thought that it was not with a bunch of guys has made me feel better too. that would be way, way, waaaay over the line for me.

 

like one of you said, i'm sorry i don't remember who it was, the situation is becoming less of a big deal as time passes. when i made this post, i had not talked to either of my friends, and since talking to them and finding out a bit more information, i don't feel like it was as bad as i initially thought. it still wasn't good, obviously, but still, i don't feel as bad as i did.

 

yall are all so awesome, and thoughtful and i'm so thankful for all of the advice and responses. they really did help me out a lot. i definitely learned from my mistake, so at least i go it out of the way. thanks again!

[bruinsy81]

I am not sure how you could have an experience like that and ever want to drink again.

[hblakely]

because i like to drink. but now i know my limits, and i won't pass them again. you live and you learn.

[Fudgie]

Eh, I know a girl who has gotten into MANY of these terrible situations. Not one, but many, and she still goes out. I worry that she hasn't learned her limits. But it sounds like you have learned a lesson here and I'm glad.

 

Drinking is an important part of our culture. Admittedly, even a shut-in like me drinks once in a while, I love wine! It's quite impossible to just cut drinking out of your life, especially if you enjoy doing it. It's a social activity. The healthy thing to do is to manage it well and know your limits, which you have done.