Stigma of after 35 never married people

[newwave]

I see so many stereotypes of those who are 35+ and never married. People older are told to lower their standards, that people past a certain age never married must be losers, unable to get in relationships, etc. It's disturbing that people still have these stereotypes because people didn't make bad choices in marriage and are divorced. Personally, I've met more bitter divorced guys than I did never married guys. Contrary to popular belief, I've met many older guys who did want to marry. In fact I know an older guy who never married until about 50. He saw no reason to before then. I find it funny that many of the guys with divorces call single men names yet when they've posted their stories often there's a psycho exwife. Then they wonder why single women like me avoid them in droves.

 

I am 39 and never married. Why am I still single? For one, until a few years ago I never wanted marriage. Now I like the idea but if it never happens there's nothing I can do about it. Second, I didn't meet a guy I really wanted to marry. Many either wanted sex or our views were vastly different (met many chauvinist guys). Third, I was obsessed with my career. None of these makes me a bad choice for a mate.

 

Will I marry? I hope so, but if I don't there's much I can do if it never happens. I just think that some people think older singles are damaged and would rather date divorced. I see this stigma a lot with older men, saying that guys who never married must have issues. Sure, some did and recovered. Others did and are damaged but the same can be said of a guy with a terrible divorce. Maybe these older people have careers or previously didn't want to marry but do now. Maybe they never met the right one. Many different options and it's not fair to say older singles are worse than divorced people.

[Fudgie]

I do think it's sad too...

 

I think people are like that because there's the idea that you're all married off/with kids by the time you're 30, and if you don't do that like MOST people, then there's something wrong with you.

 

My last boyfriend was 35 and never married. We didn't work out but I don't think there was anything "wrong" with him. Some people just don't hop right into marriage after college, people have different priorities! I don't think being older and unmarried is necessarily a bad thing. It's just uncommon, that's all.

 

The only people I really do wonder about are people who get married like 3+ times in their lives due to divorce and whatnot. That's just not normal...

[newwave]

I do think it's sad too...

 

I think people are like that because there's the idea that you're all married off/with kids by the time you're 30, and if you don't do that like MOST people, then there's something wrong with you.

 

My last boyfriend was 35 and never married. We didn't work out but I don't think there was anything "wrong" with him. Some people just don't hop right into marriage after college, people have different priorities! I don't think being older and unmarried is necessarily a bad thing. It's just uncommon, that's all.

 

The only people I really do wonder about are people who get married like 3+ times in their lives due to divorce and whatnot. That's just not normal...

 

Yeah, the married many times people send a red flag more than the never married people. In fact every person I know who was married a few times had serious issues that should have prevented them from marrying. I know when I first start hitting my mid 20's some people thought I was a freak for never marrying. Luckily I live near a major city with lots of single people so it makes it better, but those in small towns must suffer. I could have married earlier, but knew the person wasn't a good match and we'd be divorced by now.

[annie24]

i think it's ridiculous that some people think that there must be something wrong if you are 35+ and unmarried. i mean, is it really better to have had a failed marriage?

[arcadefire]

Making a smart choice about your partner is important, regardless of age. There are a variety of happy and unhappy married couples, happy and unhappy singles, etc. I agree that there is a stigma of people who are older and never married, but you are making the same statement (and thus stigma) against those who are divorced. It would be hypocritical to denounce those who chose to marry before 35 and things not working out as something wrong or horrible about the institution of marriage. I don't think it's fair either to assume that all divorced people are worse off than single older people.

[Fudgie]

Yeah thank goodness you're near big cities.

 

Small towns get hit hard the hardest when it comes to this nonsense...the "small town" mentality is often that you'll get hitched early and start having children.

 

My boyfriend once dated someone from a small town, it was decades ago when he was in his mid 20s and she was in her early 20s too, and they met through a newspaper singles. They met up and he REALLY liked her!...and then he found out she had 4 kids at home. Apparently, it was the norm in her town to start cranking out the kids when you were 17, so she had 4 already!!!!

 

Being pressured to get hitched early seems so abnormal. I don't think it's healthy in the least.

[annie24]

Making a smart choice about your partner is important, regardless of age. There are a variety of happy and unhappy married couples, happy and unhappy singles, etc. I agree that there is a stigma of people who are older and never married, but you are making the same statement (and thus stigma) against those who are divorced. It would be hypocritical to denounce those who chose to marry before 35 and things not working out as something wrong or horrible about the institution of marriage. I don't think it's fair either to assume that all divorced people are worse off than single older people.

 

yes, i do agree with this. it's better to get to know the person on their own merits rather than judge them on their marital status.

 

though newwave, you've pointed out many times that you will not date a divorced man, so I would not be surprised if someone doesn't want to date you because you're never married.

[newwave]

Making a smart choice about your partner is important, regardless of age. There are a variety of happy and unhappy married couples, happy and unhappy singles, etc. I agree that there is a stigma of people who are older and never married, but you are making the same statement (and thus stigma) against those who are divorced. It would be hypocritical to denounce those who chose to marry before 35 and things not working out as something wrong or horrible about the institution of marriage. I don't think it's fair either to assume that all divorced people are worse off than single older people.

 

No, divorce isn't always bad, but most (this is my personal experience) guys I've met who've been divorced had issues. Does this mean they were bad people? Not at all, just pointing that some people are messed up no matter what.

[newwave]

yes, i do agree with this. it's better to get to know the person on their own merits rather than judge them on their marital status.

 

though newwave, you've pointed out many times that you will not date a divorced man, so I would not be surprised if someone doesn't want to date you because you're never married.

 

Yes, I've had this happen too but luckily they weren't guys I'd want to date. Like I said earlier I could possibly date a divorced guy depending on the circumstances. Not likely, but if say it was annulled and a short marriage I could probably deal.

[newwave]

Yeah thank goodness you're near big cities.

 

Small towns get hit hard the hardest when it comes to this nonsense...the "small town" mentality is often that you'll get hitched early and start having children.

 

My boyfriend once dated someone from a small town, it was decades ago when he was in his mid 20s and she was in her early 20s too, and they met through a newspaper singles. They met up and he REALLY liked her!...and then he found out she had 4 kids at home. Apparently, it was the norm in her town to start cranking out the kids when you were 17, so she had 4 already!!!!

 

Being pressured to get hitched early seems so abnormal. I don't think it's healthy in the least.

 

I'm near Chicago and intend to move closer once I get another job. There are many never married people and in fact at my last job many of my coworkers were older than me and were either never married or recently married. That gives me hope. 4 kids already, ouch. That I wouldn't like.

[Seraphim]

I kind of look at people who have not been married by certain age as very set their ways and have very little inclination to compromise and get along.

[annie24]

I kind of look at people who have not been married by certain age as very set their ways and have very little inclination to compromise and get along.

 

yeah, there is the risk of that. you've been single for so long that you might not compromise? but then again, you have to take that on a case by case basis.

 

i know a couple who got married in their 40s. one of his conditions before marrying her was that he wanted to live with her first for 2 years, just to make sure that they could get along (as he was never married, never lived with a woman). they did, it worked out, they are happily married.

[Seraphim]

yeah, there is the risk of that. you've been single for so long that you might not compromise? but then again, you have to take that on a case by case basis.

 

i know a couple who got married in their 40s. one of his conditions before marrying her was that he wanted to live with her first for 2 years, just to make sure that they could get along (as he was never married, never lived with a woman). they did, it worked out, they are happily married.

 

Yes, you do have to take it case by case, however take the example of an only child who has never had to share one single thing, everything is theirs, the space is theirs and every one's time is theirs. Now I know that is extreme and not every only is like this as I have an only. But it does make it less likely onlys and those who have had extended periods of no one else's needs or wants intruding into their lives are not going to be too compromising when someone else wants to play in the sandbox.

[annie24]

i was just thinking about that. on one hand, i would find a man who's been single and living with roommates more likely to be compromising, live together well..... but then again, i would also wonder about a man in his 40s who lives with roommates. again of course, case by case basis, but it's more of a 'college' thing to do, to live with roommates and you'd expect a man in his 40s to have his own place rather than living in a frat house type environment!

[Seraphim]

i was just thinking about that. on one hand, i would find a man who's been single and living with roommates more likely to be compromising, live together well..... but then again, i would also wonder about a man in his 40s who lives with roommates. again of course, case by case basis, but it's more of a 'college' thing to do, to live with roommates and you'd expect a man in his 40s to have his own place rather than living in a frat house type environment!

 

Exactly. One has to wonder what has forced these people to be alone this long and if you really want that baggage yourself.

[newwave]

I think it depends on the person. I'd be more inclined to date a 40something man who owns a house than has roommates but depends on the situation. As for being set in their ways, sure people are set, but doesn't mean they can't break or even work around those. For instance I workout during the day and will revert to evening once I get a job again. I don't see a reason for quitting this because I happen to get married. We won't be joined at the hip but I don't think that's healthy. As for sharing, I share my things. I have a vast collection of books, DVDs and CDs and he would be welcome to use them, just as I'd hope I could use them.

[Seraphim]

The thing is anyone who has been alone this long as enough of their own baggage not just ex married people.

[JonasWaingaro]

Exactly. One has to wonder what has forced these people to be alone this long and if you really want that baggage yourself.

 

Forced? Some people choose that lifestyle. Not a thing in the world wrong with that nor is it an indicator of either baggage or lacking compromise in life. It is a shame people are stigmatized for a different life choice/goal. The divorce rate might be an indicator that they are indeed the smart ones. haha =p

[Seraphim]

Forced? Some people choose that lifestyle. Not a thing in the world wrong with that nor is it an indicator of either baggage or lacking compromise in life. It is a shame people are stigmatized for a different life choice/goal. The divorce rate might be an indicator that they are indeed the smart ones. haha =p

 

Not everyone chooses to be alone though. Sometimes it is their own issues that have kept them this way. Sometimes they have not found the right person it is not the right time, whatever. For those who WANT to be alone that is great.

[Hermes]

Thirty/thirty-five is YOUNG. Here it is, anyhow. It is now quite common for people to get married in their early thirties (or later). Reason? Often because years of study before actually getting to work, whether employed or self-employed. There is no stigma attached to it. Why should there be? I am perplexed.

 

I have been at several weddings over the past couple of years, and in all cases both bride and groom were in their thirties (first time marriage).

 

Hermes

[JonasWaingaro]

Not everyone chooses to be alone though. Sometimes it is their own issues that have kept them this way. Sometimes they have not found the right person it is not the right time, whatever. For those who WANT to be alone that is great.

 

nodnod oh I know and agree. Just pointing out that enough do choose that it's risky to paint all +40 unmarried as somehow - hmm, I dunno, lacking. Or more likely to be carrying more baggage. It's just different baggage. No better or worse.

[Seraphim]

Thirty/thirty-five is YOUNG. Here it is, anyhow. It is now quite common for people to get married in their early thirties (or later). Reason? Often because years of study before actually getting to work, whether employed or self-employed. There is no stigma attached to it. Why should there be? I am perplexed.

 

I have been at several weddings over the past couple of years, and in all cases both bride and groom were in their thirties (first time marriage).

 

Hermes

 

Yes, 35 IS young.......the thing is with there is always going to be stigma with EVERYTHING, I think the OP should look past that and not worry about what anyone thinks. People sometimes look for every way to somehow "victimize" them self and not see the positive side. What I was trying to get accross because she feels divorced people have HORRENDOUS baggage, EVERY segment of society has baggage not just the ones we do not prefer.

[Seraphim]

nodnod oh i know and agree. Just pointing out that enough do choose that it's risky to paint all +40 unmarried as somehow - hmm, i dunno, lacking. Or more likely to be carrying more baggage. It's just different baggage. No better or worse.

 

correct!! ........

[Hermes]

Trying to work out what people could have against divorced people. Maybe some do have what is called "baggage", and some don't.

 

Hermes

[Hermes]

There seems to be serious "ageism" going on LOL.

 

Hermes