Stigma of after 35 never married people

[LightbulbSun]

The thing is, I'm very observant, and I've had friends and family members who have been in and out of relationships. I'm able to offer advice on most of the things asked about on this forum...maybe not all, because I have questions, too, but so does every other poster on here.

 

I'd like to think that I'm much better prepared to enter a relationship at 27, than I was at 17 years old or even 14 years old (when I first started asking out girls.) Teenagers don't know anything about love or sex than their raging hormones, and so many people have made mistakes early in the game.

 

If I'm arriving late to the game, at least I'm prepared in case my girlfriend gets pregnant, or if she wants to get married or if the family doesn't like me (because that's an issue that a lot of teenagers deal with. As an adult, I don't need adult supervision.)

 

Also, I'm moved out of my parent's house, so there's a guarantee of privacy when we're together. And I can work, so I can make an income and support any baby that comes along.

 

I just see more advantages to waiting than not waiting. I don't want to wait much longer, but I can see advantages to my situation.

[Flywest29]

Yes I made some generalizations. But this whole thread is about generalizing no? People generalizing that people over 35 are stigmatized because they aren't married, thats BS.

 

I was trying to make a point that that people who generalize about that shouldn't point make assumptions that there is something wrong with 35 plus people who aren't married, when in fact people in the same age groups obviously made questionable choices now that they are now divorced.

 

And I don't think my comments about "needing" someone applies to you specifically. As I recall you were married much later in life? Correct me if I am wrong. I was referring to the people in their 20s who just do what they think they should do because of societal pressure and have it in their heads that they will die alone if they are not married by the time they are 30.

 

And also Batya I think you are in your 40s, correct me if I am wrong again. I am going by what I see with people in my age group in the dating pool today. I understand that I may be generalizing but this is my experience I have seen in my mid-late 20s. People doing what they think they are supposed to be doing. Now I understand that people do fall in love and meet the love of their lives in their 20s and thats fantastic but I think they are the minority.

 

Its hard to not to generalize in this thread because the whole thing is a generalization. I think the best thing to do is live your own life, make your own choices and not worry about what others are doing, or what others think of your own personal choices.

[newwave]

It's kind of the view towards 25+ virgins or guys who have never had a girlfriend. They're considered damaged, or that they have high standards, or there's something wrong with them.

 

It's sad that society puts so much pressure on marrying by a certain age, or doing this or that by a certain age. Whatever happened to love? You can fall in love at any age. Just because it takes you till over 35 to do it, doesn't mean that you're flawed. Jesus.

 

I have a male friend who was a virgin when he married and he was 33. He abstained due to religious views and I respect that. I am not a virgin but think it would be fantastic to meet a male virgin my age. That means they respect sex more for what it is supposed to be. Do I expect to find a male virgin? No of course not, but still would be flattered if I did meet one.

[newwave]

This is really the only reason I am considering eventually getting married, to have a family. I never "needed" to marry and could have much earlier. I admit too that I am somewhat picky and get a lot of grief for this because I don't want to marry a guy with kids. At least I am being honest and saying what I won't deal with. This puts me at an disadvantage because it's easier to find divorced fathers in my age range than never married men who want families, but I believe they are out there (helps that I live near a major city), it might just take me longer to find. When I was telling someone I don't date fathers I was asked if I hated kids, and told that over 40 never married guys are immature. I disagree. I do like kids, but do not want to be a stepmom. Sure, many over 40 single guys are immature, set in their ways, etc, but many divorced fathers are too, and many of these guys only want to remarry to have a stepmom for their kids and someone to cook and clean (which I don't do).

[Batya33]

I think it might be hard to find a never married man over 40 -- I can understand why you wouldn't want someone who had children but what about a divorced or widowed man with no children, who wants children?

[newwave]

I'm not sure, it might decide on why they were divorced. I am Catholic and in most cases I disapprove of divorces. Widower might be ok depending on the situation. I really prefer a never married man so I am considering groups that have never married people. I know never married people over 40 are out there, I just need to find them.

[Seraphim]

I'm not sure, it might decide on why they were divorced. I am Catholic and in most cases I disapprove of divorces. Widower might be ok depending on the situation. I really prefer a never married man so I am considering groups that have never married people. I know never married people over 40 are out there, I just need to find them.

 

Hey !! It is great to see you more optimistic

[newwave]

Hey !! It is great to see you more optimistic

 

I do believe that eventually I'll find a never married men. While searching various online dating sites I saw many never married guys. Whether they are never married or lying remains to be seen, but they are out there. These guys are likely the nerdy types who concentrated on jobs and are exactly what I want. Of course I really want the one guy to come back, but he may never do that so I am kind of looking now. Like I said, it would depend on the circumstances on why he divorced. For instance if he was married in Vegas, came back and got the marriage annulled would be much different than if he was married 20 years, had kids and a big fancy wedding. The first one I could handle, not the second.

[Batya33]

I do believe that eventually I'll find a never married men. While searching various online dating sites I saw many never married guys. Whether they are never married or lying remains to be seen, but they are out there. These guys are likely the nerdy types who concentrated on jobs and are exactly what I want. Of course I really want the one guy to come back, but he may never do that so I am kind of looking now. Like I said, it would depend on the circumstances on why he divorced. For instance if he was married in Vegas, came back and got the marriage annulled would be much different than if he was married 20 years, had kids and a big fancy wedding. The first one I could handle, not the second.

 

LOL - sorry that's too funny how you label these never married guys as likely "nerdy types" who concentrated on jobs. I don't think those guys -whether nerdy or not - are going to be turned on by someone who has that type of mindset. In fact, I think married men who have a supportive wife (I mean, emotionally, as in a best friend) are just as likely to be able to concentrate on their jobs/careers as someone who is single and maybe even more so. The single guy might be out there several nights a week socializing, going on dates, etc and just not meeting the right person while the married guy doesn't have to do that.

[newwave]

I don't think it's bad if they are nerds. In fact I prefer a nerd. At my last job the workaholics were the never married guys and they rarey went out (probably why most married much later in life and some never did).

[Batya33]

I don't think it's bad if they are nerds. In fact I prefer a nerd. At my last job the workaholics were the never married guys and they rarey went out (probably why most married much later in life and some never did).

 

I know you don't think it's bad - but the never married guy might be turned off by your mindset that he is "likely" a nerd.

Most of the workaholics I knew were unhappily married people.

[newwave]

Most of the workaholics I knew were lonely unmarried men which I found interesting.

[Batya33]

Most of the workaholics I knew were lonely unmarried men which I found interesting.

 

My guess is then that they weren't that interested in getting married or they would have been out there dating/trying to meet women. My husband works extremely hard - always has - days, nights, weekends, but he wanted to get married and enjoyed being in serious relationships so he made time for that in his life and didn't use work as an excuse.

[BriarRose]

My guess is then that they weren't that interested in getting married or they would have been out there dating/trying to meet women. My husband works extremely hard - always has - days, nights, weekends, but he wanted to get married and enjoyed being in serious relationships so he made time for that in his life and didn't use work as an excuse.

 

Sorry, I haven't read all 12 pages of this, but I agree with this. I believe if someone wants a seriouos relationship (man or woman), they will make time for it. You can work hard and still have a love life.

[newwave]

I'm not so sure. For awhile I buried myself in my job. In hindsight I should have been looking but wasn't.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

There is a stigma but I refuse to let it bother me....well MOST of the time I don't let it bother me.

[friendsoulmate]

I have a male friend who was a virgin when he married and he was 33. He abstained due to religious views and I respect that. I am not a virgin but think it would be fantastic to meet a male virgin my age. That means they respect sex more for what it is supposed to be. Do I expect to find a male virgin? No of course not, but still would be flattered if I did meet one.

 

Why do you value my virginity, when you didn't want to save your virginity for marriage? Or did you? Did you enjoy your young, hot sex? I'm confused. Did one of your boyfriends force himself on you? Why are you more interested in nerds than hot guys, because if you value how hot you look, why wouldn't you be interested in dating athletic, hard-bodied, tanned, shaved-chest, hot guys?

[newwave]

Why do you value my virginity, when you didn't want to save your virginity for marriage? Or did you? Did you enjoy your young, hot sex? I'm confused. Did one of your boyfriends force himself on you? Why are you more interested in nerds than hot guys, because if you value how hot you look, why wouldn't you be interested in dating athletic, hard-bodied, tanned, shaved-chest, hot guys?

 

I don't know why I prefer nerdy types,I just do. I don't like "hot" guys usually. I wish I had saved my virginity for someone more special than I did but that's in the past. No, I did not enjoy it but did it because all my friends were doing it. Yes I know bad reason to do it.

[Batya33]

I don't know why I prefer nerdy types,I just do. I don't like "hot" guys usually. I wish I had saved my virginity for someone more special than I did but that's in the past. No, I did not enjoy it but did it because all my friends were doing it. Yes I know bad reason to do it.

 

What I've learned is essential to having a healthy long term relationship is that you have to throw out your attachment to all the labels of "nerdy' and "hot" and keep forcing yourself to treat the person and see the person as an individual because especially when you are with someone for a long time and live with them, there are constant surprises - good and bad - and if you have the labeling mindset you do it makes the surprises much harder to take and the resulting adjustment. Also most people hate being categorized and labeled or feeling like the person they are with are doing that - and that will come accross loud and clear given your strong emphasis on it.

 

Most of the people - including myself - defy these labels in reality and don't like being labeled (I don't) - and the most interesting people are the ones who can't be labeled to the extent you have been - and more so.

[stu1973]

Here's a wild and crazy hypothesis......

 

Maybe people who haven't married by 35 have not met the right person yet?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!??!??!

 

Personally, I was so busy in my 20s and early thirties juggling a full time job and part time career that I very rarely dated.

 

My priorities have now swtiched in the past few years, and I'd love to meet the right one and get married.

 

Doesn't make me weird, even if many people think it is.

 

The weird ones are the many people who marry for reasons other than love, now that's messed up.

[Batya33]

Here's a wild and crazy hypothesis......

 

Maybe people who haven't married by 35 have not met the right person yet?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!??!??!

 

Personally, I was so busy in my 20s and early thirties juggling a full time job and part time career that I very rarely dated.

 

My priorities have now swtiched in the past few years, and I'd love to meet the right one and get married.

 

Doesn't make me weird, even if many people think it is.

 

The weird ones are the many people who marry for reasons other than love, now that's messed up.

 

But for you it wasn't because you didn't meet the right person it was because you didn't make meeting the right person a priority, right?

 

I always felt about myself and others that if you're over 35 and single, and don't want to be ,it's most likely about "you" not "them". Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, just that the evaluation should begin from within not from "because all women are [fill in the blank]" Not saying you are doing that!

[newwave]

I wasn't really "looking" so someone for years and I was fine with that. Yes in that case it was me. In theory I probably should have been looking 10 years ago but I needed to fix things and recover from a con artist (of which I'll never completely recover). As for type, yes I prefer a certain look, but many people don't fall into "looks" so I keep that in mind. I used to even judge based on job, and do not do that anymore. That is my problem with online dating.

[BriarRose]

But for you it wasn't because you didn't meet the right person it was because you didn't make meeting the right person a priority, right?

 

I always felt about myself and others that if you're over 35 and single, and don't want to be ,it's most likely about "you" not "them". Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, just that the evaluation should begin from within not from "because all women are [fill in the blank]" Not saying you are doing that!

 

I have to disagree with the "you" not "them" theory. There are many things that go into how, who and when you meet someone, including demographics, timing, your social circle (or lack thereof), etc...so I don't think it's about "us" just because we are over 35 and single (although there certainly could be issues). It's too broad a generalization.

[Batya33]

I have to disagree with the "you" not "them" theory. There are many things that go into how, who and when you meet someone, including demographics, timing, your social circle (or lack thereof), etc...so I don't think it's about "us" just because we are over 35 and single (although there certainly could be issues). It's too broad a generalization.

 

I know it's a broad generalization - it's one I heard years ago right before I turned 35, lol. That is why I have the caveat that the person does not want to be single (and I mean by that has never wanted to be single). So, it doesn't include the many people who prioritize career, family responsibilities, outside interests, being able to date a lot of different people, etc.

 

As far as demographics and social circle very often there are ways to change that to make your chances of meeting someone increase -- and with the Internet, where you live and your social circle become less of an obstacle.

[bruinsy81]

It might sound pessimistic to suggest that the problem is ''you'' and not them,but it actually can be taken in a positive vien.It is much easier and possible to change yourself rather than to try and change other people.