It's not hope...it's illusion.

[Catdancer]

You know that niggling little voice in the very back of your head that says to you "somehow I know we're destined to be together" or "somehow I know we're going to have a family and get married." Yes, that's the voice that I'm talking about. It's not hope. It doesnt mean that you're soul mates. It's your psyche's attempt to keep your ex alive in your mind when you know damn good and well that it's over.

 

It's this little annoying voice that plagues me and keeps taunting me with "if he would just get sober, then we can have our family and house and live happily ever after". It's now my goal to stomp that little freakin voice into the ground.

 

I think that so many of us keep that hope alive when we know in our head that it's over. There is no going back and even if we did go back, nothing would change and we'd end up right back here hurting even worse.

 

I dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to miss him anymore. I dont want to think about the "what if's" anymore. So, this is my way of working him out of my heart. He's out of my head. I know that rationally we'll never be. It's my heart that wont follow suit and kick him out. So, I'm working everyday on telling myself over and over what he's done and what he keeps doing to make us NOT work.

 

I am determined to get over him. Even though we share a son, I can do NC. I did talk to him about the baby this weekend and then I told him that I need to get over him. I need to move on. So, I dont want to talk about anything other than our son. that's it.

 

Everyday, little by little, I will excise him from my heart. It will be a slow process, but everyday I will do it. And eventually, I wont even notice that I dont have to do it anymore. He'll be a memory. That's my goal and my plan.

 

So, for those who have kids, yes you can be NC. Yes you can move on and yes you can heal. You just have to work at it little by little. Another poster told me that it's ok that I'm not over him. It's ok that I still hold out for the fantasy and the fairy tale ending. It just means that I'm not quite ready to let go and that's ok. But what's not ok is letting that hurt and want and false illusion fester and depress me. That is NOT ok. So, I purge a little out everyday.

 

Hugs to everyone trying to heal. It's so hard to finally know with all of your being that it's not going to work. But it is also very freeing and very peaceful to just let it go.

[jenmar]

Thank you for this

yes I am guilty of having that voice still.. having that voice say, hes isn't a player, he does want a relationship and when he realizes this he will want to get back together.

 

HA

this is not hope you are so right! it is just an illusion.. somthing just making me hold on-

this guy isn't going to change, and so what if he does. he hurt me, broke my heart, there is no turning back now.

 

Thanks again, very inspirational.

[lavenderdove]

A lovely post, Catdancer, and so true.

 

There are so many old myths about the 'siren's song' and those little voices that sing to us and try to lure us to our doom in the name of love. The fact that those myths have survived for so long shows what a universal principle it is, those thoughts and feelings that seek love so strongly, that we'll go against everything we know and everything that is unhealthy or dangerous for us in the pursuit of a love that can never be right, no matter how much we want it or we hope.

 

It so hard sometimes to separate out the true voice of reason and truth and wellbeing, and ignore those siren songs... But most people eventually do, because time has a way of softening those sounds and destructive urges, if you recognize how dangerous they are, and are willing to try to save yourself from them.

[lostandhurt]

Acceptance can be hard to find sometimes. I have found that "Love Goggles" seem to keep us from seeing and accepting things as they really are. They blur the truth we don't want to see and accept.

 

It would seem that you have taken off the goggles and your vision is clearing. I hope he gets help for his alcoholism so he can be a good father to his son.

 

Lost

[Catdancer]

Thank you all. For me personally, I have let him go in my head, but not my heart. I find that this is hardest. Little by little...with every breath that I take, I picture myself breathing in healthy pink air and breathing out the black air of hurt and pain. It's a good mental exercise.

[alexandergre]

GREAT POST! and you are absolutely right!

[EQIQ]

That is pretty much one of the few things that still haunt me. Stupid little voice that says.

 

"You can get her back if you want to", "With time things will change, give it a year or so" ... etc etc... grrrr lol..

 

It sucks though because for a second or two it gives me a nice feeling, but I feel like it's not a good thing.