Catdancer Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 You know that niggling little voice in the very back of your head that says to you "somehow I know we're destined to be together" or "somehow I know we're going to have a family and get married." Yes, that's the voice that I'm talking about. It's not hope. It doesnt mean that you're soul mates. It's your psyche's attempt to keep your ex alive in your mind when you know damn good and well that it's over. It's this little annoying voice that plagues me and keeps taunting me with "if he would just get sober, then we can have our family and house and live happily ever after". It's now my goal to stomp that little freakin voice into the ground. I think that so many of us keep that hope alive when we know in our head that it's over. There is no going back and even if we did go back, nothing would change and we'd end up right back here hurting even worse. I dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to miss him anymore. I dont want to think about the "what if's" anymore. So, this is my way of working him out of my heart. He's out of my head. I know that rationally we'll never be. It's my heart that wont follow suit and kick him out. So, I'm working everyday on telling myself over and over what he's done and what he keeps doing to make us NOT work. I am determined to get over him. Even though we share a son, I can do NC. I did talk to him about the baby this weekend and then I told him that I need to get over him. I need to move on. So, I dont want to talk about anything other than our son. that's it. Everyday, little by little, I will excise him from my heart. It will be a slow process, but everyday I will do it. And eventually, I wont even notice that I dont have to do it anymore. He'll be a memory. That's my goal and my plan. So, for those who have kids, yes you can be NC. Yes you can move on and yes you can heal. You just have to work at it little by little. Another poster told me that it's ok that I'm not over him. It's ok that I still hold out for the fantasy and the fairy tale ending. It just means that I'm not quite ready to let go and that's ok. But what's not ok is letting that hurt and want and false illusion fester and depress me. That is NOT ok. So, I purge a little out everyday. Hugs to everyone trying to heal. It's so hard to finally know with all of your being that it's not going to work. But it is also very freeing and very peaceful to just let it go. Link to comment
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