My BF's Ex Wife Was Just Diagnosed With Cancer And Wants To See His Son, How Should We Handle This?

[RougeKali823]

My Bf recently terminated his ex-wife's ability to see his young son due to his issues with her parenting skills. However, today she called my bf and stated that she has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and may not make it. Additionally she would like to establish his son as the sole beneficiary of her life insurance.

 

Facts:

 

My bf divorced her a year ago (and was legally married to her while dating me[i was unaware] so it was messy.

 

She is not his biological mother but had been in his life since he was an infant (he's 7 now).

 

She is unable to have children

 

I believe she really loves my bf's son

 

My Thoughts: Despite what she tried to do to me I feel badly for her and want her last days to be spent with the child that she loves.

 

However, I do wonder if she is being honest.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[sidehop]

If it's true it's definitely a tragic situation and I am very sure raising him with your bf she seems him like her own son.

 

I'm assuming you have this doubt about her knowing the messy break up they had? I'm just wondering how he would go about finding out if her cancer is real or not. It would be rude to ask "well show me the paperwork stating that you have cancer" or along that line.

 

But I do believe too that if she is terminally ill, his son has the right to see her.

[RougeKali823]

You're rt, there's no real way to know and I don't want anyone's last days to be made worse through anything I do.

[pumpkinmoon]

This is a tricky one I think.

 

What do you mean when she says what she did to you?

 

How long after all of this did she come out with her having cancer?

[RougeKali823]

This is a tricky one I think.

 

What do you mean when she says what she did to you?

 

How long after all of this did she come out with her having cancer?

 

 

She tried to call me into court for the divorce as a paramour (even though I didn't know they were still legally married). Fortunately, they married in a no-fault divorce state.

 

She called and stated that she has cancer three weeks after being told she couldn't see his son anymore. It's been almost a year since the divorce.

[DN]

Seems highly coincidental.

 

What does your boyfriend want to do?

[pumpkinmoon]

Right. I know this is going to sound rather harsh... and I am very sorry if she is actually ill but it seems very likely that she could be lying. As crazy as it sounds, a lot of people will lie about things like this. From what you know, is she the kind of person to lie?

[Speranza]

It all depends too on what you mean by 'terminated her ability to see her son'. Is this a legal thing? If so it would probably need to go back to court.

 

Personally I think it would be best if he (your b/f) visited her alone first to try to ascertain the facts. Is there any family he can talk to? And if - IF - she sees the child, of course it would be accompanied access and that's it.

 

It seems very odd that she has just found out and has such a short time - or is 'weeks' your term? Stranger things HAVE happened but I don't blame you for being suspicious.

[RougeKali823]

Right. I know this is going to sound rather harsh... and I am very sorry if she is actually ill but it seems very likely that she could be lying. As crazy as it sounds, a lot of people will lie about things like this. From what you know, is she the kind of person to lie?

 

I know shoefairy, I don't want to be rude but I just don't know if I believe her. Why now is what I would like to know.

[RougeKali823]

Seems highly coincidental.

 

What does your boyfriend want to do?

 

He says that he is not going to allow her to see his son and that his is sorry about the news.

[RougeKali823]

It all depends too on what you mean by 'terminated her ability to see her son'. Is this a legal thing? If so it would probably need to go back to court.

 

 

She's not his biological mother so my bf was just allowing her to continue to see his son.

 

Personally I think it would be best if he (your b/f) visited her alone first to try to ascertain the facts. Is there any family he can talk to? And if - IF - she sees the child, of course it would be accompanied access and that's it.

 

This makes sense

 

 

It seems very odd that she has just found out and has such a short time - or is 'weeks' your term? Stranger things HAVE happened but I don't blame you for being suspicious.

 

Yeah, I am sympathetic but it's just so sudden.

[DN]

He says that he is not going to allow her to see his son and that his is sorry about the news.

I guess that's that then.

[RougeKali823]

I guess that's that then.

 

No, DN, I don't think it is because my bf is a serious empath and I am seeing the early signs of this getting a little deeper.

[RougeKali823]

I guess that's that then.

 

He believes her and is saying that he doesn't think she'd lie about something like this. Knowing him, I believe that this could end with her regaining visits and throw he and I back into trouble. I had just decided to meet his family for the first time after some serious hesitation for years because our relationship had gotten better. Now, I am doubtful again.

[Seraphim]

Well, this is about a little boy and a woman he sees as his mother. I would try to verify the facts first if you and your bf feel it is not true because no child deserves to be caught up in that drama. If it is true, it would be devastating to the boy and to her not to see one another. This IS his mother to HIM, and if she dies, HIS mother DIED. That is a heavy cross to bear as a child. Once again I can not help but feel for this poor child.

[FarthestEdge]

Well, since it's his ex, and his child, you really can only suggest what you think would be best, and accept his decision.

 

I can understand your uncertainty. My friend's ex-wife had 'cervical cancer and was going to die', a few months before the divorce was finalized...that was 4 years ago. She morphed an irregular pap into terminal cancer looking for sympathy...some people do this...

 

OR- she could be genuinely ill....

 

My question is, what's best for the child? Did she add to his life, was he bonded to her? Does he MISS her? If she DOES die of cancer, is he going to be angry at his dad for not letting him see his 'mom'? It really doesn't matter if she's the bio-mom, if she is the woman who he perceives as his mom, then that's who she is.

 

Something you may want to mention to your bf. I have a friend with an ex who is a complete nutter. Her child is little more to her than a pawn or a decoration to make her look good playing 'happy families' at family events. When her threats and erratic behavior escalated to the point that supervised visits became necessary, and the child lost the effect as a 'tool' to get back at her ex, and she couldn't parade the child in front of her family any more, she displayed less and less interest. She sees the child only periodically, as she is in the regular habit of cancelling scheduled visits, or not showing up for them at all. My friend contemplated asking to terminate her access, because the cancelled visits and no-shows upset the child. His lawyer advised against it. But not because of what you think. I was a little surprised at the reasoning, but once I had a chance to digest it, it actually made sense.

 

His lawyer said that he had seen many, many cases as a lawyer, where parents were unfit to the point of being dangerous to the child. Drug addicts, prostitutes, hardened criminals...and yet the courts continue to protect their rights to (at least supervised) access...

 

Because studies have shown, that children who are denied access to their messed-up parents have a tendency to idealize and romanticise them. They build up a fantasy of the parent they are denied as being near-perfect, merely victims of an unfair system keeping them apart. Children who are permitted regular access to their dysfunctional parents on the other hand, develop a realistic view of their parents,and they make their OWN judgements on the parents.

 

Something to talk about with you bf perhaps. Perhaps he would consider meeting her at a public park, or childrens museum, to allow her some time with his son to see how it goes...

 

Whatever his choices, he should keep his sons best interests in mind. Short and long term. What happens when his son is 15, his 'mother' is dead, and they aren't getting along and the son says "You wouldn't even let me see my dying mother...it's all about you!" He might want to be sure he has an answer for that....

 

I don't know. I see both sides. Regardless, I think all YOU can do is share your thoughts with him, remind him to put his son first, whatever that means, and support him in his choices. Don't let her become a point of contention in your relationship.

 

Good luck, it's a tough situation.

[pumpkinmoon]

Well this is going to sound harsh, but she is his ex wife and she is not the mother, therefore she has no right to see him. His son was part of the relationship but now that relationship has gone. I think she needs to accept that the son has gone as well as her husband.

[Doc Blaze]

Well this is going to sound harsh, but she is his ex wife and she is not the mother, therefore she has no right to see him. His son was part of the relationship but now that relationship has gone. I think she needs to accept that the son has gone as well as her husband.

so if she is really dying, and this mother is the only mother this kid knows and she ends up dying without seeing him..who explains to the kid why he didnt see her?

[FarthestEdge]

so if she is really dying, and this mother is the only mother this kid knows and she ends up dying without seeing him..who explains to the kid why he didnt see her?

 

I tend to agree with this.

 

IMO, it isn't about what SHE wants, or what the father wants. It should be about what's best for the child.

 

IF she is the only 'mother' he ever knew, then she is his mother. She may not be legally entitled to visitation, but that doesn't make it morally right to deny him her love. Especially if she really IS dying.

 

Blended families are tough. And kids all too often are the ones to pay the price. If he loves her as his mother, then she needs to be treated as such, as much as is reasonably possible. For his sake.

 

Focus on the child, people. No regrets to be had if that is done.

[RougeKali823]

Well, this is about a little boy and a woman he sees as his mother. I would try to verify the facts first if you and your bf feel it is not true because no child deserves to be caught up in that drama. If it is true, it would be devastating to the boy and to her not to see one another. This IS his mother to HIM, and if she dies, HIS mother DIED. That is a heavy cross to bear as a child. Once again I can not help but feel for this poor child.

 

I agree and I feel that if she is sick that he ought to be able to see her one last time. However, the timing is a little odd and I suspect she still has feelings for my bf since she called him immediately after hearing the results. Her rights to my bf's son were terminated a month ago now and she just so happens to have a terminal illness? If it's true I will be 100% supportive of them seeing each other but it just seems a bit odd for me. Also, the child has been handling the ending of visitation pretty well. He always knew she was not his biological mother and understood it would end one day. We have him seeing a child advocate just in case he has any issues with it later on though.

[RougeKali823]

Well this is going to sound harsh, but she is his ex wife and she is not the mother, therefore she has no right to see him. His son was part of the relationship but now that relationship has gone. I think she needs to accept that the son has gone as well as her husband.

 

That is my feeling as well but I'm conflicted. I mean we decided she wasn't fit when she was well so why now should she be the opposite?

[RougeKali823]

so if she is really dying, and this mother is the only mother this kid knows and she ends up dying without seeing him..who explains to the kid why he didnt see her?

 

We would explain it to him.

[RougeKali823]

To be honest, I am leaving it all up to him. I am tired, we have been doing so well lately and then out of nowhere this comes up. Dating a person with a child is so complicated. I had also just decided to meet his son and start working on building a relationship with him but now it'll just be even more messy. The inevitable addition of his biological mom to this mess is gong to make things even worse.

[pumpkinmoon]

Well we need to ask the question of why her visitation was terminated in the first place. If it was all amicable then fine, but I get the eeling this woman is pretty devious. There has to be reasons why visitation was taken away.

 

I don't see why her illness, if indeed there is one, should make any difference.

[Doc Blaze]

To be honest, I am leaving it all up to him. I am tired, we have been doing so well lately and then out of nowhere this comes up. Dating a person with a child is so complicated. I had also just decided to meet his son and start working on building a relationship with him but now it'll just be even more messy. The inevitable addition of his biological mom to this mess is gong to make things even worse.

 

 

what do you mean messy, you keep saying messy....oh its gonna mess things up ....whats the background on why she cant see the kid and what happened between you guys?