Beyond frustrated...

[Ammy]

I don't get it... I got myself back into the dating game again online - I know people say try something different, but men in real life don't ask me out either.

 

So I started replying to more guys, spreading my interest around so as not to get too invested in any one.

 

Anyway I have guys initiate on a daily basis... but now it never gets beyond a couple of emails. I know my replies are always answering their questions politely, with some humour, and then asking some more questions. I don't feel my emails are in any way a turn off and these guys start off saying "Wow, they're so excited to email me" and yet within 1 or 2 emails they either don't reply at all, or take days....

 

I'm so over it... It's so hard to even get a date these days. Even in the online world which is supposed to be superficial, where I am supposedly a "hot" girl... It makes nooooo difference whether people tell me I'm pretty... I get NOWHERE.

 

Ammy

[whattodo87]

I think some guys (me included) are worried about coming off as a creeper or whatever. So it may take a lot longer to ask you out knowing that you are pretty and thus have many guys chasing after you.

 

Also, as my friend (who is a girl) was telling me that I should reply a little more aggresively, otherwise I am just staying in the friend category.*

 

*By the way, that wasn't a subtle hint from my friend as she's gay.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It always seemed to me that the women who get asked out online are the ones who write the cheesey clichéd romance words which everyone knows is the leadup to sex. In other words, it is the CV (or resumé) of the dating world where you have to use certain key buzzwords. So, in a CV the buzzwords may be "self-motivated", "works well in a team" etc etc...the online dating world successful "CV" has words like "cuddling on the sofa", "long walks on the beach", "love roses and wine", "I am a very passionate person" etc. Then of course there needs to be the cheesey glamour shot...preferably with the cleavage showing. In the old days when you used to go to singles dances, women used to dress and act the part with the short short skirts, low cut tops and the giggling and simpering around the men, along with sidelong glances and twirling of the hair. Now all of this sexuality needs to be put on a computer screen so this is what many women do. Of course, all of this will get you the kind of man who wants sex first and then decide whether or not he actually wants to date you! Dating is tough if you are more on the conservative side.

[thebluest]

Online dating is a fickle thing.

 

Men, in particular, have trouble paying attention. They may go 'ooooh pretty thing' and email you once or twice, and then their attention shifts no matter how beautiful, engaging or promising you are.

 

Then there are the extreme, overly-eager and attentive ones who come accross too needy and embarrassingly forward and desperate.

 

It's hard to find the rare ones who can pay attention, show their personality, be patient and put their best foot forward online. It's near impossible. NEAR impossible.

[Speranza]

I SO agree with Crazy! I know exactly how to get loads of dates online, but it would mean not being ME. The men I have met up with have all remarked (as though it were unusual) that I am 'just the same in real life' - which personally I take as a compliment, but I have to accept that being me IN real life doesn't result in a lot of approaches - so in the end I've cut out the online dating.

 

However I know people who've met and married online, so never say never!

 

You may just be very like me and simply need patience... but it doesn't harm to throw out the online net. Just don't worry about it - it truly is a numbers game, you are a very beautiful young woman and men will approach you... trouble is, a high proportion of online daters ARE in it mainly for hook-ups so if you make it clear you're not wanting that, they will disappear overnight.

 

Don't lose heart!!

[quirky]

Aww Ammy, Ammy..

You kinda remind me of one of my best friends..although she doesn't even try to date lol

 

I don't know if you get this but I've had it a couple of times. I'm quite expressive and genuine in my approach and I think a lot of guys forget that I also need to be pursued. I think they relax too much because I have no "attitute". I haven't tried online dating but I'm pretty sure I'd suck at it. Why don't you try as an experiment to not be very "excitable" when you reply? Not many exclamation marks, or smileys, or too many questions..to see the response you get.

[Batya33]

I used to write, in response to the first email "thanks for writing - I also find your profile interesting [one sentence about why]. However, I much prefer talking to typing to see if it makes sense to meet in person - do you have a phone number where I can reach you? I prefer if possible to give out my number after we speak - hope you understand"

 

Something like that. E-mails are so anonymous that if the guy is emailing 10 women your reply no matter how appropriate likely will get lost in the shuffle. And of course many of these men are in relationships and just testing the waters, or the day after they email you, they have a great first meet with someone.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with concern over asking you out too soon - because a first meet isn't a date, just a way to see if there should be a first date. I would never suggest meeting without having a phone convo first.

 

Good luck and I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated.

[MD Geist]

Ammy you have to look at from a mans perspective, you are very VERY very VERY beautiful! and thats all great and everything but most men will find you intimadating to come up and talk to you.

 

It just happens like that.

 

Just try not to look at as a bad thing. Try to remain confident and positive. Otherwise you will scare off the men you are trying to date they will see as aggressive and angry. Just be positive and confident and I can almost promise it will happen, you are a sexy woman so someone will eventiually grow a pair and want to ask you out.

[newwave]

The OP is a very pretty girl, and speaking as one myself, I think it's harder for women like us online. When I was doing online, I struggled to find anyone decent. The few I met I had no interest in at all. Many guys even though I was a plant put there. I had the same problem in real life finding guys, and many years later found out all these guys liked me but were afraid to tell me, thinking I'd reject them. The guy I like even told me he fell for me the minute he met me, but was convinced I'd never like him because he was "ugly". My advice is to join a singles group even if it's not for dating. Join an activity you enjoy and maybe you'll meet guys that way. I am going to do that myself if the guy I like doesn't come around.

[thathoopla]

 

So I started replying to more guys, spreading my interest around so as not to get too invested in any one.

 

Anyway I have guys initiate on a daily basis... but now it never gets beyond a couple of emails. I know my replies are always answering their questions politely, with some humour, and then asking some more questions. I don't feel my emails are in any way a turn off

 

Do you feel like you are being yourself when you do this? Do you feel like you're putting up an act or following the norm?

[sweetdslollipop]

Hmm, the too beautiful to get approached excuse again. So should she ugly herself up if she wants a love life?

[MD Geist]

Hmm, the too beautiful to get approached excuse again. So should she ugly herself up if she wants a love life?

 

Well no.

 

Some of you women are sometimes so hot you'll make even the most confident men shy.

[newwave]

Well no.

 

Some of you women are sometimes so hot you'll make even the most confident men shy.

 

I've heard that from guys. The guy I currently like was afraid to tell me he was interested many years ago because he thought I'd reject him. In reality I never would have and wonder if things would have been easier years ago because then neither one of us were as jaded as we are now. In high school I didn't get many dates and later found out because I scared the guys. I could never figure out why I never got many dates. Guys, not all beautiful women will reject.

[Gabo]

I've heard that from guys. The guy I currently like was afraid to tell me he was interested many years ago because he thought I'd reject him. In reality I never would have and wonder if things would have been easier years ago because then neither one of us were as jaded as we are now. In high school I didn't get many dates and later found out because I scared the guys. I could never figure out why I never got many dates. Guys, not all beautiful women will reject.

 

In my experience, girls who are "too attractive to get approached" are usually girls who are "pretty" but with little-to-zero sexuality and extremely snobbish. "Hot" girls get approached and asked out all the time. Don't kid yourself.

[cranberrymuffin]

Ammy- your other threads/messages all seem to talk about the identical thing. The fact that you can't get past a certain point with men. You say it happens to you over and over, always, and not to anyone else that you know. It has been suggested to you that you look within in that case, and I think that is really good advice.

 

From your other messages and mindsets, I could see where these things might be happening to you in your relationship attempts.

 

Maybe it might be a good idea to stop trying to date at the moment, take a breather and look within with kindness, but with brutal honesty at the same time.

[LAYAAN]

Oh dear Ammy.... I'm sorry to read this. I don't know what to say. I can understand (I know that doesn't bring any comfort), I feel sorry. Take a break, hang in there. Don't lose hope, don't lose faith. Do you think you are a good person, then a good man also exists. Just hasn't come your way yet.

If meeting these nonsensical men is taking a toll on your positivity, seriously take a break. Its not worth losing your sanity over some idiot dirtbags (sorry for my language).

[Ammy]

Oh dear Ammy.... I'm sorry to read this. I don't know what to say. I can understand (I know that doesn't bring any comfort), I feel sorry. Take a break, hang in there. Don't lose hope, don't lose faith. Do you think you are a good person, then a good man exists. Just hasn't come our way yet.

If meeting these nonsensical men taking a toll on your positivity, seriously take a break. Its not worth losing your sanity over some idiot dirtbags (sorry for my language).

 

Thanks Tinu, it's nice to have some empathy and understanding.

[Gilroy]

Ammy, is that you in your avatar?

 

This might be different from the other responses but I want to share a story with you. Just a while ago I was contacted by a very very beautiful woman in a Dating site. Needless to say I was thrilled but quickly started having my doubts. I was wondering why would such a beautiful woman be online looking for love. I did write to her and we started exchanging messages. Since I was VERY attracted to her I was falling for her quickly but I was also being doubtful. You know how if something is too good to be true then it probably is not? Well my doubts were confirmed - it was a fake profile! I was glad I found it early on before getting involved.

 

If I see your picture picture in a Dating site I would seriously doubt if it is a genuine person. Sorry, no offense to you. I am just saying that lot of men might not even initiate contact with you based on doubt. This is not to say that you have to make yourself less beautiful but only to say that you got to widen your horizons and also try to meet people in real life.

[Batya33]

Ammy - this is exactly why you have to be stricter about meeting people in person ASAP - no difference between "real life" and "on line" if you approach it that way - the only technical difference is that the first contact was through a dating site. If it's true that men are intimidated by your beauty (no offense, but I don't think that has anything to do with it - if your photos were the airbrushed model photos it might look fake and put men off but it doesn't sound that way), then getting on the phone and making a plan to meet after one or two emails will avoid the issue of them thinking it's a fake profile or that you can't possibly be for real - or at least help the issue.

 

And you should initiate contact with men as well.

 

I also would be careful about people like the person who wrote above who start falling for you based on typing and a photo - those expectations often are unrealistic and would flag for me that the person likely was feeling a bit too needy/overeager to be able to take things at a reasonable pace in person, or be able to get to know a real person, flaws and all. No offense to that poster but I know that if I got the sense from just typing that the person was that attracted to just a photo and "falling" just based on typing on a screen, I might be concerned about feeling overwhelmed and clung to.

[Gabo]

Thanks Tinu, it's nice to have some empathy and understanding.

 

I would call it enablement.

 

Sorry, that is really harsh. But I don't know..... just reading the numerous threads that you start, I feel like you are your own worst enemy on this stuff. You overanalyze and get too emotionally involved at way too early of a stage in the relationship. One time you are mentioned that you are "too nice" because you are afraid that if you aren't, the guys will leave you. Its not a matter of waiting until some great guy comes along and sees that deep down you are a wonderful person - its a matter of you sabotaging what chance you have at a great guy because you are doing things that cause them to back away before they get a chance to know you.

[Gilroy]

Hi Batya,

 

Some more information - I did find "her" very attractive not just because of "her" photos alone but also due to some other reasons as well. And we both had exactly 3 to 4 email exchanges between us. My emails to her were normal but her messages were very clingy and forthcoming. I was already suspicious and this made me even more alarmed. Then I figured out that it was one of the Nigerian scams and was thankful that I did not fall for it. Apparently lot of people fall for such online dating scams. Here is a link:

 

link removed

 

We all need to be careful when it comes to online dating.

[Ammy]

I would call it enablement.

 

Sorry, that is really harsh. But I don't know..... just reading the numerous threads that you start, I feel like you are your own worst enemy on this stuff. You overanalyze and get too emotionally involved at way too early of a stage in the relationship. One time you are mentioned that you are "too nice" because you are afraid that if you aren't, the guys will leave you. Its not a matter of waiting until some great guy comes along and sees that deep down you are a wonderful person - its a matter of you sabotaging what chance you have at a great guy because you are doing things that cause them to back away before they get a chance to know you.

 

I beg to differ entirely. None of the men that I have dated have been good guys that I have scared away. I don't care if that's what you all think. People who KNOW ME as a person, and not just as someone who types on a website know that I am in no way a weirdo who sabotages things. I have dated inept men (online dating has a lot of these) who don't appreciate me. I have been over the top with geestures of kindness with them, but the RIGHT guy wouldn't mind this. I know my dad would never have been scared off by a girl he liked who happened to be generous and do things for him. I also know the good guys I know in real life (i.e. my sister's boyfriend, my friends) would not worry about it either. I don't whinge, have tantrums, act like a * * * * * / psycho and say I need to see them 24/7. I make myself too available perhaps with the acts of kindness - but I still maintain the right guy wouldn't be disrespectful of that. I know that because I have had guys behave similarly with me - just because they did some grand gesture, it didn't put me off - IF it was a guy I liked. If I didn't like the guy and he was texting all the time or doing something too "clingy", then I'd get sick of it, but if the guy had won me over then I was delighted to hear from him regularly. I know you'll all say I'm wrong and my worst enemy etc etc, but I don't care anymore. I know who I am, I know what I've been through and I whilst I know I am not perfect and have things to work on, I don't think I am the big MESS you guys make me out to be. My major issue with relationships is that I am a late bloomer. I spent a lot of my late adolescence and early adulthood suffering an extremely severe mental illness whilst still functioning in the every day world. An illness that made me fear intimacy and sex. When I started dating, I was shy and inexperienced and also have little access to suitable men in my world. These are the main factors where I have gone wrong - I date online men who are generally idiots.... I want to meet men in real life, but I don't have opportunities at the moment so I try online dating hoping that I meet the 1 in a million guys who are actually normal. Anyway I won't post on here again.

 

Ammy

[BriarRose]

Ammy don't stop posting

It's really hard out there! I don't pretend to know what these men are looking for. It seems so easy for some women.

[newwave]

Ammy, please keep posting. Ignore the guys who are nasty because it's not worth it. Read what I wrote and look for a guy offline. Online guys aren't worth it and most are jerks and you don't need that. Join a group that might have single guys. Stop looking online because all you are going to find are scum and you deserve better.

[JusticeLaw9]

You're taking it so personal and that's the quickest way to get down on yourself.