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Marriage even if you don't "believe in it"


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Say you and your SO are completely in loe with each other. You are a perfect match. Say your SO wants to get married but you were never particularly fond of the idea. Would you do it anyway? Would you get married because your SO wants to and you love him/her and want to spend the rest of your life with them? Or would you end it?

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what aspect of marriage do you not agree with?

 

marriage does give some legal protection and there are pros to that. if you live together for the rest of your lives but do not get married, you would not have the right to make medical decisions for each other in the event that you were hurt and unconscious. unless you give each other power of attorney.

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it's not me who doesn't agree with marriage, its my SO. He says he doesn't know if he wants to get marriage and i do. It is making me questions whether we are as perfect as i thought we were for each other if he doesnt want the same important life decision as me. Other than the marriage idea, i really feel like he's my better half...but if he's not willing to get married, i think i'm gonna have to end it...

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Sure, you could end it. But you might risk losing the love of your life over it. What exactly do you think you will be able to gain from being married over not being married? I'm not saying you should necessarily settle. You should have serious discussions with your boyfriend to express how important it is to you. But at the same time I would also try to have a serious internal conversation to understand your desire. Only then will you be able to make a good decision about it.

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Honestly, it would bug me for the rest of my life if we were together but not married. Like he doesn't believe in 'us' or he's keeping his options only.

 

If you don't think marriage is important, what keeps you from getting married? I'd probably break up with him too if he didn't feel the same way I do.

 

Also, I want kids and I'm not going to have kids outside of marriage if I can help it.

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If one person wants marriage and the other person doesn't then that is as fundamental an issue as one person wanting children and the other not. If the one who doesn't want marriage gets married just to satisfy the partner, that person will end up very unhappy and resentful. However, I have seen over and over on this forum and in real life, that the person who wants to get married but ends up settling for living together with the guy, eventually grows resentful and unhappy. It is all fine and dandy to say "if you love the person why would you leave them just because they don't want to marry you"..but the reality of it is that the relationship values and goals are completely and totally different....the person who wants to get married does indeed end up feeling resentful. Also what often happens is that the relationship eventually splits up, maybe 5, 10 years down the road...and guess what...the person who was so against getting married often ends up finding someone else and marries that new person. Very often what is deemed as "I don't ever want to get married" is really "i don't ever want to get married to YOU...but I will live with you until the relationship naturally fizzles.

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If one person wants marriage and the other person doesn't then that is as fundamental an issue as one person wanting children and the other not.

 

In my opinion I don't see those two scenarios as being similar. One scenario results in a very different future--ie, kids running around. What does the other bring? A piece of paper locked away in your vault?

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Marriages can, and do, come to an end too. And spouses separate and re-,arry. In a civil partnership (don't know if you have those in the U.S. and Canada) the couple living together (and a large number of people do so, and also have children) have rights.

And many people live together and then get married. Right this minute I can't think of anyone I know who has not done so.

Again, it is a very personal matter.

 

All the best

Hermes

 

 

It is entirely up to you, of course.

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I want to get married because for different reasons. First off it is a religious part of me. I want to have a special union with someone that is blessed under God. I also want to stand in front of my family and friends and God and say that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to honor and cherish this person for the rest of my life. Its about the sacredness of the union, maybe i'm old fashion..i dunno.

 

And my SO was engaged before us. He was going to marry her because they had a son together and he ended up breaking it off. He says that he's not completely against marriage, but it's not one of his main goals in life. Like he'd be perfectly content never getting married, i guess.

 

So basically, people just say they dont want to get married because they dont want to marry the person they are with????

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A couple questions:

 

How long ago did he break it off? This might make a difference. A few years ago, I wouldn't worry. Many years ago that's another story.

 

How old are both of you? Age makes a difference.

 

I ask both of these because I've seen people so insistant about marriage, even telling the person they are with they never want to marry. Next thing you know they are married. I'm not saying wait around forever, but sometimes people change. If you've only been with him a few months I wouldn't worry. If it's been years, that's another story. Also, I've known people (mostly guys) who said they never wanted to marry, but in reality they did but were afraid. One other thing: I've known guys who said they would never marry but they did because they felt they found the "one". Sounds cliche, but I've heard that most guys don't start dating to get married, but many women do.

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he broke off the engagement 2 years ago and its been a year and some months for us. We met about a year after they ended their relationship of 5 years. And we've taken things pretty slow because of that. I know he loves me, but he's also very skeptical about love and relationships in general. I'm 23 and he's 28. It's not like i'm trying to get married tomorrow or next year or whatever. I'm not trying to rush him into marriage or anything. I just want to know that its a possibility in the future. But i feel like if he's never gonna want to get married or atleast make me his wife, then that's something that i should know now. i dont want to be the girl that is with a man for 5 years only to find out then that we dont have the same future plans

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In my opinion I don't see those two scenarios as being similar. One scenario results in a very different future--ie, kids running around. What does the other bring? A piece of paper locked away in your vault?

 

Lots of people these days who live together end up buying houses and having multiple children...without the "piece of paper locked away in a vault". Since it is "only a piece of paper" why make out a will....may as well just leave things to chance. The "piece of paper" makes it legally binding. Also, it is "only a piece of paper" then what is the big deal about actually getting married...why not get married if the person feels it is "only a piece of paper". Of course they won't get married because they KNOW deep down that the "only a piece of paper" legally binds them in the eyes of the law and therefore it is indeed very official according to the law. THAT is the real hangup..they don't want to sign on the dotted line and have their union legally binding with all the legal ramifications. They want the easy out.

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he broke off the engagement 2 years ago and its been a year and some months for us. We met about a year after they ended their relationship of 5 years. And we've taken things pretty slow because of that. I know he loves me, but he's also very skeptical about love and relationships in general. I'm 23 and he's 28. It's not like i'm trying to get married tomorrow or next year or whatever. I'm not trying to rush him into marriage or anything. I just want to know that its a possibility in the future. But i feel like if he's never gonna want to get married or atleast make me his wife, then that's something that i should know now. i dont want to be the girl that is with a man for 5 years only to find out then that we dont have the same future plans

 

Or in a similar position as his ex...make babies together and never ever get married. I find that troubling that he was with someone for a long time, made a baby with her, only decided to get married because of the baby, and then bailed. Now he is telling you he never wants to get married. This guy doesn't want the responsibility of marriage..he wants to have his freedom, he doesn't want to be tied down..even if he has children.

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he broke off the engagement 2 years ago and its been a year and some months for us. We met about a year after they ended their relationship of 5 years. And we've taken things pretty slow because of that. I know he loves me, but he's also very skeptical about love and relationships in general. I'm 23 and he's 28. It's not like i'm trying to get married tomorrow or next year or whatever. I'm not trying to rush him into marriage or anything. I just want to know that its a possibility in the future. But i feel like if he's never gonna want to get married or atleast make me his wife, then that's something that i should know now. i dont want to be the girl that is with a man for 5 years only to find out then that we dont have the same future plans

 

You are very young, so I wouldn't worry about it now. I am in a similar position where the guy I like wants us to take it slow. I don't know your situation but the guy I like got stung badly by the woman he was seeing. He's still recovering, as I'm sure your boyfriend is. I bet your boyfriend changes once he learns to trust. In hindsight 2 years isn't that long ago and some people take longer to recover.

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Tiff:

 

You are very young (23) so I think you are right to take it slow. You are entitled also to have a say in the matter, and you have your views of the type of wedding you would like. I expect you have discussed this with him. So, slowly slowly is the best course of action now. Maybe in a year you will feel entirely differently anyhow, perhaps you will not feel the same about it all. And perhaps he will see things differently then.

 

Hermes

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Or in a similar position as his ex...make babies together and never ever get married. I find that troubling that he was with someone for a long time, made a baby with her, only decided to get married because of the baby, and then bailed. Now he is telling you he never wants to get married. This guy doesn't want the responsibility of marriage..he wants to have his freedom, he doesn't want to be tied down..even if he has children.

 

 

 

I asked him once why he even bothered getting engaged if he knew she wasn't the one. He said that he was trying to make right by his son. He grew up without his father in his life because his parents separated and he said he didnt want the same thing for his son. He said that he finally realized that being in a relationship with someone just so that his son would have both his parents there 24/7 wasn't right. He said that he wouldve been miserable, making her miserable, and eventually making their son miserable. He said that having both your parents there doesnt mean anything if the house isnt happy.

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I asked him once why he even bothered getting engaged if he knew she wasn't the one. He said that he was trying to make right by his son. He grew up without his father in his life because his parents separated and he said he didnt want the same thing for his son. He said that he finally realized that being in a relationship with someone just so that his son would have both his parents there 24/7 wasn't right. He said that he wouldve been miserable, making her miserable, and eventually making their son miserable. He said that having both your parents there doesnt mean anything if the house isnt happy.

 

That's a good reason to get married. I wanted to mention something else. When I was 23 or 28 if you had asked me, I would have told you I never plan to marry. In fact I met the guy I like when I was 23 (he was 27) and at the time I told him I never plan to marry (he wanted marriage). I told this to every guy I dated because AT THE TIME I didn't want to marry. I am open to it now. This is why I never worry when someone says they don't want something because in many cases they do and don't want to admit it, or don't want it NOW.

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Also, it is "only a piece of paper" then what is the big deal about actually getting married...why not get married if the person feels it is "only a piece of paper". Of course they won't get married because they KNOW deep down that the "only a piece of paper" legally binds them in the eyes of the law and therefore it is indeed very official according to the law. THAT is the real hangup..they don't want to sign on the dotted line and have their union legally binding with all the legal ramifications. They want the easy out.

 

I don't think it's particularly healthy to value marriage because it's more difficult to get out of. Ideally you want your partner to stay with you because the relationship works and generally brings a level of happiness. Not because there would be legal red tape for dissolving the relationship.

 

For me, I don't support the institution of marriage because I think it has an extremely troubled history, especially when it comes to the subjugation of women. And then there's the fact it is only available to opposite-sex couples in most countries and usually mixes the boundaries of church/state. When I consider all of that and the fact that people can and do have healthy relationships without involving the law, I don't see any need for it.

 

But again, people are more than welcome to value it for their own religious reasons. I'd just advise to closely evaluate those feelings before ending a relationship over it, as you could potentially lose out on the love of your life.

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I think you misunderstand my point...my point was that many people DON"T want to get married because THEY want an EASY out...they don't want it legal because they want to be able to get out of it easily if they want to break up. As for subjugation of women..that has to do with a person's character, not whether or not they choose marriage. Lots of living together but not married couples have a patriarchal relationship where the man is the boss and the woman better tow the line. As for mixing church and state...well, plenty of people choose to get married via a civil ceremony rather than religious.

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Say you and your SO are completely in loe with each other. You are a perfect match. Say your SO wants to get married but you were never particularly fond of the idea. Would you do it anyway? Would you get married because your SO wants to and you love him/her and want to spend the rest of your life with them?

 

That pretty much describes my fiancee and myself. Marriage for her is something special that she would definitely like. Marriage for me is totally irrelevant. As far as I'm concerned, it's the relationship two (or more) people have that matter - not the label or the ceremony. With that said, given that it's neither here nor there for me, why deny her something she would like? I'm happy enough to get married - I just don't see it as some vital thing. Love, respect, passion, care - those are the vital things for me. The two are not mutually exclusive, and so there's no issue (for us).

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