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Losing attraction to girlfriend, because she doesn't take care of herself.


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I've been in a relationship with this girl for over a year and half now and things have been good. I get along with her and care about her very much. In the beginning I was also strongly attracted to her, but especially after moving in with her my attraction towards her has been decreasing.

 

The thing is she has all things needed to look good, but she just doesn't want to put any effort to her clothing, hair or makeup and doesn't want to work out. I have tried to give her hints and ask her if she could do some things for me, but it seems the topic is very sensitive for her and this leads to her getting very defensive and hurt very quickly.

 

Part of the reason our relationship has been so comfortable is that we both care about each other and can be ourselves without the fear of other one leaving for someone a bit more attractive. When a girl is not crazy about fashion, opinions of other people and traditional gender roles, living with her can be so much easier than with some teenage "princess" diva, but the downside is that she is not as attractive as she could be. However I don't think that putting some effort to appearance means "selling out" and "not being myself" - I'm ready to do all kinds of stuff that she would stay attracted to me! I love her, and want to be attracted to her and know that with right clothing and little effort she can look really stunning, but attraction is not a choice. I want to feel attracted to her, but because she doesn't even try, I can't feel but be attracted to other women who do take care of themselves.

 

Am I wrong to ask these things of her? Do I have a right to ask them or am I forcing her to be something she feels is not a part of her? I certainly don't want to leave her, but then again I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone that I am losing attraction for.

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There is a world of difference between being a laid-back, hair-down, natural-freshness type of person, and being a slob who is letting herself go.

 

There is also a world of difference between expecting your partner to stay fit, neat and attractive along the course of your relationship (and yes, this very much applies to marriages as well), and demanding that they doll-up for you as if they are getting ready for the Golden Globes every day.

 

So where in this spectrum does your situation fit? Your post is not very clear in that regard. The title of your thread ("she doesn't take care of herself") made me think of a wire-haired bag-lady in training who doesn't bathe. But then on your post you go on to compare her unfavourably to a "teenage princess diva"...

 

So from your post it is hard to determine wither the problem is hers for possibly being unkempt, or yours for possibly being attractive to Barbie Dolls instead of women.

 

Tell us more about her, and about what you would like her to be, and you will get great insights from contributors here.

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Why not buy her a spa day as a gift for a birthday/anniversary, or even just because. You can get her a package where she could go get her hair done, massage, facial, pedicure, manicure. It would be a nice treat for her and would make her look good for you.

 

Have you suggested maybe getting a joint gym membership, where you two could go to the gym together? She might see that a little differently than you saying "you should really go to the gym and work out". Or, do what my brother did for his girlfriend and buy a Wii Fit. lol.

 

I think there is nothing wrong with expecting your partner to keep herself looking good, as in not being a slob. For me, it all depends. If I'm at home in the evening and don't need to go anywhere else, I'm in my pajamas 99% of the time, starting the minute I get home from work. And my partner just has to accept that. If I'm going out, I'll dress appropriately for the occasion, be it work, a date, or casual.

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put any effort to her clothing, hair or makeup and doesn't want to work out.

 

Has she ever done any of these things? Because there is a difference between someone not being into any of these things and "letting yourself go."

 

Sometimes, attraction just goes and then things that we used to love or just accept about someone become things that are problems for us.

 

I'm with ersatz - we need to know more detail.

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Thank you for your replies and heres some details concerning the situation. She showers and take care of hygiene atleast after I gently hinted on the importance of regularly washing her teeth. She wears makeup if she goes to school or work, but not while shes with me. She likes to use old, worn out and loosely fitting clothes that hide her nice body and she never changes her haircut. In short, it's not like she has a bird's nest in her head or anything, but more like theres a lot of small things that add up.

 

If I were to name single biggest thing, it would be that she likes to wear these quite strange, several years old worn out shoes that aren't the slightest bit feminine. She's recently got extremely nice looking thigh high boots and one pair of other nice shoes, but says they just aren't as comfortable and she'll hardly ever wear them. I subsidized the purchase of these shoes, which weren't cheap. I'm frustrated, because I know she has the potential look very good, but doesn't want to step away from her comfort zone.

 

One thing to clear up: it's a good thing that she's not crazy about latest fashion as some other girls. I would just like to see her in more typical female clothing. I'd describe her clothing tomboyish and I can't help myself being attracted to women who look and dress like women.

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From reading your post, I get the feeling that she isn't so much letting herself go, as she is just not interested in getting dolled up everyday. I'll ask what the others did... has she always been this way? Has she ever been into makeup, styling her hair & dressing up? Has she gained a significant amount of weight since you started dating? It sounds more like the thing that changed is not her, but your attraction to her. However, maybe I'm just getting the wrong idea here. It wouldn't really be fair for you to expect her to do a complete 180 because you want her to. I know if my bf came up to me one day & wanted me to cut my hair, dye it short, & direct me how to dress & apply my makeup, that would not fly!

 

You can, however, make suggestions to her. "Wow, that dress would look amazing on you" "I bet that eyeliner would really make the color of your eyes pop". And when she does dress up & style her hair, compliment her & let her know you think she looks gorgeous. Of course, don't overdo it.

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Ok, so it sounds like she isn't completely fashion-ignorant. But I'm sure she can find clothes that are both comfortable & look good, she just needs to get some. Honestly, I wouldn't wear thigh-high boots on a daily basis, either.

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She's never been very much into looking after her appearance, but in the dating stage she wore makeup while with and put more energy in to being attractive. The problem is that once we started living together and seeing each other every day, I now hope that both of us could do our best to offset the loss of attraction caused by this desensitation. If there are periods of time when we don't see each other, the attraction gets stronger what ever she wears so I don't think this relationship is dying just yet. If we didn't live together this would be a smaller issue.

 

If it sounds like I expect her to be dolled up every day, it would perhaps put the matter in to better perspective that people (including her friends) often say it's a pity she doesn't like to wear clothes that would look good on her.

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She's never been very much into looking after her appearance, but in the dating stage she wore makeup while with and put more energy in to being attractive. The problem is that once we started living together and seeing each other every day, I now hope that both of us could do our best to offset the loss of attraction caused by this desensitation. If there are periods of time when we don't see each other, the attraction gets stronger what ever she wears so I don't think this relationship is dying just yet. If we didn't live together this would be a smaller issue.

 

If it sounds like I expect her to be dolled up every day, it would perhaps put the matter in to better perspective that people (including her friends) often say it's a pity she doesn't like to wear clothes that would look good on her.

 

If you are really losing your attraction because your girlfriend wants to be comfortable sometimes, then she might not be the right girl for you.

 

I know it's not the same for everyone, but my husband can't keep his paws off me, even if I've just woken up, I'm in my jammies and have bedhead.

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I remember an episode of Knots Landing where the character of Abby got married to Greg. Abby was always dressed in the height of fashion with full makeup. There was a scene where Greg gets up in the morning and there is Abby, in her full fashion gear and makeup. She had to make sure he always saw her dolled up and perfect even getting up in the morning!

 

My point being that when you are lounging with your partner, you should not have to be all dolled up, you should feel comfortable and natural. I don't know what kind of shoes you are talking about, if they are old lady shoes or just shoes that are comfortable for walking and a little worn in. I am not sure if your implication was that she never brushed her teeth until you asked her to do so. Is she really wearing completely ratty clothing or is it that you really would prefer someone who always looks like a fashion model?

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If I were you, OP, i would not approach this situation as "you're not looking good for me" but rather "I want you to feel good for yourself.". And, I have to ask, do you dress up in fresh crisp slacks and shirts every day for her? Shave every day? Keep your hair in check? That's a two way street.

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I don't think most women dress like fashion models each day, but I like clothing 99% women seem to wear. Maybe numbers would explain this better. If a score of 0 means total neglience of appearance and a score of 250 means a dolled up super model. I'd say most women I see every day are in the 100 range. She on the other hand is mostly 40. On her graduation day, with an effort of 150 she was extremely beautiful and would hope to see that again some day.

 

It seems I failed in describing the situation, because I would just like her to dress like most women, not like super models.

 

She's been gaining weight, but that doesn't bother me as long as it doesn't go to the point where it's a health hazard. I am not into fitness women so I don't expect her to be in top physical condition, but I think that not being able to do one sit up is a sign that light exercise could be healthy.

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I think a lot of you are making this more complicated then it is. I think what Generalist is trying to say is that he wants his girls to look more feminine. I have had the same problem in my marraige for year. For example there is a big difference when a women is lounginf around in Victoria secret sweats and XXL sweats from Walmart or something. I felt the same way as the poster when i found my wife, her not being into fashion and makeup and diva like was a breath of fresh air; But then as the relationship went on it really started to bother me cause you end up with a beautiful wome who look like crap most of the time while most women you see in public don't. I haven't figured it out either man so this thread may help both of us.

 

Good luck. maybe its just a phase, but my experiance tells me you either need to accept it as it is or find a more feminine women. we all change as we get older and I found as I got older that i prefer girly girls to women jocks who can't find time to even show a little femininity. However it would be really nice to fine that perfect inbetween.

 

Goodluck man if you really love her and she you I'm sure it will work out for you.

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Thank you Kash27, you understood my situation perfectly (except, I can't say "she looks like crap most of the time". Women who aren't into this Sex & the city, cosmopolitan, fashion obsessed culture are very nice and relaxing to be with. I guess I would want her to be an inbetween - a girl who would dress nice, but casual like most.

 

Even if I have criticised her choice of clothing, I love her as a whole and won't consider leaving her over anything as trivial as clothing. I just hope that in the long term she can feel better about herself and realize how pretty she is. I think she feels a bit intimidated by the subject and it would help if I could come up with positive, non-threatening ways to talk about this.

 

Your post was really helpful Kash27 and I hope the best of luck to you too.

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It sounds like from what your describing is that she is around you everyday with no makeup, shoes that should be thrown out and baggy clothes. And you understand that there is nothing wrong with her wearing that in itself, but that besides all her other positive aspects you are (or... were) physically attracted to her and would just like her to wear more 'shapely' clothing to show it off, not necessarily putting on a dress and pumps everyday.

 

That is actually a tougher situation. So it would be better for you if she were wearing lower cut or form-fitting t-shirts and nice jeans and newer shoes? The best thing I can suggest is find a store selling the kind of clothing you would like her to wear and get her a gift card, though you may want to save giving it to her for some sort of occasion. Then when she buys and wears the kinds of clothes that are more attractive to the eye, compliment the crap out of her and I think she'll realize on her own.

 

Otherwise, you will just have to talk to her, and even though you are not criticizing her actual looks be prepared for some hurt feelings.

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Well it sounds to me like she just wants to be comfortable when lounging around the house. OP mentioned that she had gained a little bit of weight -- perhaps she is a little self-conscious about this weight gain?

 

You just need to compliment her when she does dress a little more feminine and be more accepting of when she doesn't.

 

The spa gift is a great idea.

 

I think Kash it it really spot on. There is a difference between relaxing in comfortable but still nice clothes and huge sweatpants and a t-shirt two sizes too big. Would she be offended if you bought her a pair of sweatpants that were still feminine and hip-hugging but still way comfortable? Would she be offended if you bought her a sweatshirt that was a little more fitting?

 

Whatever you do, I would got the more subtle route of complimenting her when she dresses nicer. If she puts her hair up (NOT in a ponytail) kiss her neck and say how much you love when she does different things with her hair. If she's cooking in a sweatshirt come up behind her and hug her and tell her how much you miss seeing hints of her wonderful body underneath her clothes. Not in an "expecting sex" sort of way but in a wonderful, spur of the moment compliment sort of way.

 

I think if you actually sat down and talked to her about it she would be much more offended, and it sounds like it's not affecting your relationship to that point yet.

 

And give it time. She's not going to change overnight. And perhaps she's just in a rut and maybe she'll change her hair or whatever all on her own. Not sure where you live, but if it's anything like where I live when it starts to get warmer out she'll want to look nice in clothing that is a little more revealing and will dress up all on her own when the weather makes her feel good.

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do you ever take her out on nice date nights anymore? maybe you could tell her you want to take her on a real 'date' again, like you did in the beginning, when you guys got dressed up and went somewhere nice. compliment her on how good she looks in her heels or whatever.

 

i know, this is a hard situation. i'm making a mental note to myself that when i get into a long-term, serious relationship living with a man, to make sure to buy the cute Victoria's secret sweats if i am lounging around the house. actually, i do that already. i don't like being unkempt. even if i am wearing jeans and a t-shirt, i still like to wear makeup and earrings and all that.

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Why don't you say to her how beautiful she looks when you think so and how much you would like her to like that every day, because that way your attraction and feelings for her increase....

Why don't you invite her for a diner to a beautiful restaurant or to the theatre, so that way she will have to dress up for the occasion... and she will be happy with the invitation and you will be happy with her looks....

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Annie what a great idea! Yes, take her out on a "real" date.

 

Also, OP, how often do YOU dress up? Do you ever put on some khakis or slacks instead of jeans and wear a nice, button-down shirt or tie? How often do you show off the masculine form? How often do you put on cologne? Do you shave every single day?

 

Just something to think about. Appearance is a two-way street.

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I think that you can want whatever you want out of a girlfriend but a valid justification for wanting her to do something isnt that you would do it for her. That is because she is not you.

 

If you find yourself losing attraction for her then you have to realize the kind of girl that you want and make sure the next girl is what you want.

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I think that you can want whatever you want out of a girlfriend but a valid justification for wanting her to do something isnt that you would do it for her. That is because she is not you.

 

If you find yourself losing attraction for her then you have to realize the kind of girl that you want and make sure the next girl is what you want.

 

I agree with this too. If she doesn't agree, ultimately, she may not be the right one for you.

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Guys, I agree with some of the posters that this is becoming more complicated. It's not an accept her or leave her situation. The OP is asking for some advice on how to help his gf dress more feminine.

 

Dressing feminine doesn't mean super model or a complete Barbie. Like some posters said, you can be comfortable AND wear cute clothes (girly, fleecy lounge clothes for example). Actually, I would recommend the OP to buy his girl some stay home cute lounge clothes. Those are super comfy and cute.

 

I made that mistake before. I used to wear those one-size-fits-all HUGE free t-shirts and baggy sweats when I was living with my then-bf and couldn't figure out why we weren't getting on as often. He was sweet in that he didn't say anything. I found out cuz my girl friend gave me a cute lounge top for a present and I wore it one day and my bf was all over me. So a little heads up would have been nice instead of feeling all insecure for a period.

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