Climbing back up.

[Firiel]

*sigh* I'm frustrated again. I always assumed that when guys I dated or almost dated stopped caring about me and just gradually lost interest in spending time with me that it was their problem. Now I'm starting to think that it might be mine. Even B seems to be doing this now, and it's killing me. I feel like I'm last on his list of priorities... there's his internship, his job, hanging out with his family, hanging out with his friends, playing video games, watching TV, and then finally me. I miss him, and I don't think he misses me. He knows that something is bothering me, but I haven't really felt like talking to him about it. It seems like anything I think, feel, or say is nothing but crazy emotions to him. I know if I talk to him, I'll end up feeling guilty and silly and crazy but we still won't ever do anything together.

 

It sounds awful, but I'm just starting to prepare myself for a very, very lonely life...

[Firiel]

I haven't been writing here, but I feel like it's time to start again. I'm going through a pretty rough patch, and I feel like I'm back to square one when it comes to emotional health. I love being married, and I am totally happy in my marriage right now which is good because that's about all that I have right now... we moved back to where he's going to school, and I am just struggling a lot right now-- mostly due to the move. Even though I grew up in the area, I have almost no friends left here. I have one good friend here (and I am so thankful for her!), but even she lives about half an hour away, and we are both quite busy. It was tough finding a job here, and I ended up with a couple that not only don't utilize my degree at all but that I don't really like that much. One is fine. The other is janitoring, and I just really don't enjoy it. I'm thankful for my jobs, but I'm... unfulfilled, I guess.

 

The issue I'm dealing with now is anxiety/depression. They are one because, for me, they've always been intertwined and inseparable. School was always the biggest cause of my anxiety, and I spent most of college reminding myself that school was almost over... the cause of my anxiety and depression was almost finished. Even though I knew deep down that the problem wasn't external, I kept hoping it was. Hope is a powerful thing, and the hope that I could finally be completely happy after college kind of kept me going. Of course, now that I'm finished with college, it's kind of screwed me over because now I know for sure that it's me, not any circumstances, that is the problem. I am a broken, faulty human being. These issues will follow me for life. I'm kind of in the process of applying for grad school, but I just can't seem to get it going. I'm scared I won't be able to get in and I'm scared that I will get in. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing will ever get any better for me. I graduated from college summa cum laude, and there are probably four people that are proud of me. I'm not one of them. My diploma fell behind the dresser months ago, and I haven't even felt inclined to find it. All of my professors are just disappointed that I didn't go to grad school. Now they are disappointed that I'm not applying to a prestigious program. My family doesn't care that I graduated top of my class because that's par for the course in my family. They too are disappointed that I'm not going to bring prestige to the family by being a professor. My husband and his family have been a godsend for me because they are the ones that are proud of me and my accomplishments. I'd be lost without them. I wish I could see the world the way everyone else does. I have always been this way. Even in the stories my mom tells me of times before I can remember, I behave in a way that is easily connected to the way I feel now. It's a part of me. It always has been, and it always will be.

 

When people ask me what I want to do with my life, I never have the answer. I think I finally figured out why. I don't want to be doing anything. What I really want is to not have to wake up tomorrow. What I really want isn't to be a professor or to be a writer or to work in publishing. What I really want is to be finished. To be done. To just lie down and never get back up. What I really want is to give up. It's funny that of all the things that I could do with my skill set, the one simple thing that I want is completely out of the question.

[lostnscared]

I'm in the same boat as you, and have been for a while. After graduating from college two years ago(with honors as well), still no grad school(was going to apply but was so unmotivated and overwhelmed that it fell to the side). When people ask me what I want to do, I can't think of one thing. It's really sad actually, I'm ready to done as well. I don't have goals at this point. I wish you luck. It sounds like your depressed. I'm thinking I am as well.

[penelope13]

Actually there are possibilities to learn how to live happily with anxiety. Often the anxiety causes the depression, thus by learning strategies how to cope with the anxiety you can minimize your depression.

 

And if you think about it: you don't want to lie down and not do anything. You just got married. Isn't that reason enough to want to get out of bed every day?

 

So don't allow your anxiety to overcome all aspects of your life. There are very good classes/ courses/ CBT that you can take to lesson anxiety

[Firiel]

I'm in the same boat as you, and have been for a while. After graduating from college two years ago(with honors as well), still no grad school(was going to apply but was so unmotivated and overwhelmed that it fell to the side). When people ask me what I want to do, I can't think of one thing. It's really sad actually, I'm ready to done as well. I don't have goals at this point. I wish you luck. It sounds like your depressed. I'm thinking I am as well.

 

I've been reading some of your posts, and I do feel like we are in similar situations... this economy has made it hard. I want to find a job I can be passionate about, but there just isn't anything right now. All through school, people told me how smart/motivated/whatever I was. They always told me what a bright future I had. But now that I'm graduated, I'm just not finding it. And it's frustrating (though I am thrilled for them!) that it seems most of my friends are finding their places in the real world while I am still kind of lost...

 

Actually there are possibilities to learn how to live happily with anxiety. Often the anxiety causes the depression, thus by learning strategies how to cope with the anxiety you can minimize your depression.

 

And if you think about it: you don't want to lie down and not do anything. You just got married. Isn't that reason enough to want to get out of bed every day?

 

That's really what is getting me out of bed every day. I actually LOVE being a wife. I like cooking for him, keeping the house clean, doing wife-y things. But I also know that I can't let my role in his life define me. I can continue to enjoy being a wife, but I can't just give up on everything else, as much as I'd like to sometimes. I'd be lost without my husband right now, but relying on the wife role is a temporary fix. I just can't seem to find anything else right now.

 

In the past, I've dealt with my anxiety well. I'm going through a really tough spot, though. I'm scared to live without it because of what it might do to me. When my mom got on anxiety medication after I was born, she basically stopped working hard or watching what she ate or anything. They kind of just turned her lazy, and I really don't want that to happen. My anxiety is something that has motivated me to work harder than others and has therefore played a huge factor in the success I have found... I'm worried about what I could become without it...

[lostnscared]

Believe me I understand what your going through. Oddly enough I love cooking for my bf, cleaning for him, doing sweet things for him, and even talking about babies with him. I love that role--and right now that role seems to be the only thing giving me a sense of happiness or something to look forward to. And that scares me very much(just like it scares you). I'm at a dead end at my career and I get jealous of friends and family members who know what they want, go after it, and are generally happy with their lives and careers. It makes me feel like a failure.

 

I was on anti-depressants, 3 or 4 years ago, and I gained a ton of weight, became numb, and just wasn't myself. I haven't been on them since, and like you I was able to cope and work through it all. I kept blaming it on various things: school, homework, work, etc. When I was done with school I blamed it on the career I had last year, when I was done with that career and started this one, I realized that it wasn't the external that was causing my issues, it was me. And that scared me, like you I don't want to take medication. Most of the time I go through bouts and get through it all. Lately it just is not really happening.

Let me know when you come up with a solution lol.

[Firiel]

I've decided for now I need to be defiant. I need to be assertive, and I need to be right. What has been causing me to procrastinate is worry-- worry about whether I will succeed or fail, worry about whether I really know what I want, and worry about what others think of me. I need to trick myself into believing that I believe in myself. I need to tell myself I am confident, tell myself I am capable, and tell myself that even if I don't succeed, I will go down trying. Anyone who looks down on me for getting married, for not going to grad school, or for applying to a "sub-standard" program is wrong. They don't know me. They don't understand my goals in life. And that's okay, but I need to prove them wrong by being able to live a happy and wonderful life despite not doing what THEY thought was best for me.

 

For now, I am right. I am sick of lying down letting others' opinions of me slowly suffocate me. It doesn't matter if I believe it or not right now. I need the motivation to do what I need to do, and that motivation is coming through this newly fabricated (or perhaps newly found) defiance.

[Firiel]

I'm feeling overwhelmed with grad school stuff. I feel like I haven't done anything. So I'll make a list of things that I have done.

 

Made a list of what I need to do- It's a very vital step, and it's done.

 

GRE vocab- I've mastered over 300 words so far... that's going to help on the verbal section.

 

Took a practice GRE- And I did okay. Not bad enough that I'd feel it was necessary to take it again if I score at least my practice score on the real exam.

 

Wrote my resume and personal statements- First drafts, anyway.

 

Requested letters of recommendation- Most of them, anyway. And I think I've decided who I'm going to ask for the last one.

 

 

Aaaaand... that's about all I've done. But it's a start, at least. I still have tomorrow and Monday to do things before the week starts for me again. I never really understood what "living for the weekend" meant until these last few months...

[Firiel]

I walked into our apartment today at 12:30am after a long and tiring day at a job I hate. I saw the bedroom light was on, so I walked in. B had fallen asleep with the lamp on and with his CPAP machine off (as tends to happen when he goes to bed before I get home ). I woke him up gently and reminded him to wear his mask. He put it on while I ran my fingers through his hair. After I made sure he was all set, I started to leave the room to wind down for a bit before bed. I heard him say "I love you, wife."

 

Little moments like this can turn a whole day around.

[Firiel]

My little niece was born this morning around 1:30am. I'm going to go see her today during my break between jobs. My sister went to the hospital around 11:00pm, and just two and a half hours later... her baby was born!

[sherryberrypie]

Congratulations, Auntie!

 

Wondering, what is a CPAP machine? Something involved with the cardiovascular system?

[Firiel]

Congratulations, Auntie!

 

Wondering, what is a CPAP machine? Something involved with the cardiovascular system?

 

Oh, it's his machine for sleep apnea. It blows air through his nose so his airway doesn't close up while he's sleeping. He can't get a decent night's sleep without it, but when he's super tired, he'll sometimes fall asleep before he puts it on.

[Firiel]

Nervous nervous nervous nervous...!

 

I'm taking the GRE tomorrow at 8:30. Luckily, I've been getting up early for months now so that shouldn't be an issue. I've prepared all I can... I've gotten scores I'm happy with on practice tests... but it's a $160 test, and if I screw up and have to take it again, it'll cost me a lot.

 

I don't even have to do my best, though. I could score 100 less than my practice test score and still be all right. And even if I flub it, it's not a big deal. My husband will still love me, and I'll find something different (and better!) to do with my life. I'm still nervous, though. Here's the plan: the essay writing will be easy. Do my best, but don't dwell on it. It's important, but they'll care more about my writing sample. On the math section, I just need to have fun. No one cares about it, so while I should still try, I shouldn't sweat it. Not even a big deal. The verbal section is where I should put my emotional energy. I don't really need to worry about time as I'm a naturally quick tester. In fact, I need to consciously slooooow dooooown. Read all the passages. Make educated instead of panicked guesses if I don't know the answer. Pretend that I'm sitting at home taking another practice test. They were actually kind of fun without pressure. So try to maintain that attitude.

 

Plan set. I'm going to be early tonight. I'm looking forward to the things I'm doing tomorrow after the GRE. Cooking food for my husband, maybe making granola. Working out at the gym. Maybe making it accross the valley to see my niece. Relaxing. Watching movies I've been putting off. Less than 18 hours from now and it will all be over.

[Firiel]

I had a rough morning today. My alarm went off, and the prospect of facing the day just made me want to cry. This is the beginning of my week, and it's hard because I have an eleven hour work day. I wake up at 6:30am to work out and make my husband breakfast and then work random hours throughout the day until 12:30am. No fun. I need to think about the positives.

 

1. I got an iPod. That means I can listen to free audiobooks while I janitor. I will feel less like I'm wasting my life.

 

2. Tuesday is my worst day. Wednesday is also bad. But Thursday I have a three hour break in the middle of the day that I can use for cleaning/whatever I want.

 

3. Once today is over, it's all downhill.

 

4. I like my first class today.

 

5. I've made it through before... I can do it again.

 

It's going to be a rough day, though... when I wake up wanting to cry, I usually end up breaking down at some point during the day. *sigh*

[penelope13]

Sure this is going to be a long and tiresome workday. However, you are working yourself up with the anticipating of it going to be a hard day and the feelings of anxiety just get amplified by thinking about how long this day is going to be.

 

Instead of getting up and thinking "oh, I have to work soo long, it's going to be soo hard, how am I going to deal with it", try to focus ONLY on the next hour. Don't worry about the rest. Make sure you know what you are doing the next hour. Realize that you will get through that hour, you can handle it. Once the hour (or task) is over, think about the next hour. Before you know it the day is going to be over

[Firiel]

That's usually how I deal with things, and that's how I dealt with yesterday once it got going. I'm often quite good about dealing with anxiety. I've lived with it my whole life, and I've definitely developed some coping mechanisms. One of these coping mechanisms is ending the weekend feeling like I'm ahead of the game, and I didn't do that this past weekend. But now that the week has started all of that is officially behind me.

 

***

 

I don't agree with banned books, but after listening to 17 chapters of Huckleberry Finn, I can totally understand why it is. Practically every other word is the n-word. And, of course, every character is racist. Huck's dad is hilariously, ridiculously, and disturbingly over-the-top when it comes to his racism. It's a great book, though. I'm so glad that I finally got an iPod. I'm kind of excited to find out what happens and therefore to go to work tonight. I'm already thinking about what book I want to listen to next... I bet there is some poetry I can listen to. But I'm really trying to focus on novels I should have read but somehow missed during my education. Les Miserables is a front-runner right now. I'm open to suggestions, but they must be in the public domain.

[Firiel]

I'll probably finish Huckleberry Finn on Tuesday at work, assuming that I am able to listen to it that night. It's been so much easier facing work knowing that I have something to look forward to! And this is such a wonderful way to finally "read" all of those novels I've been meaning to read (and feeling like a lazy slouch for not reading). Huckleberry Finn is just over 100,000 words... not that long for a novel. I'm thinking of tackling The Three Musketeers by Alexander Dumas next which weighs in at 225,000 words. It'll likely take me a month to listen to it. Still, one month for a book that's probably over 600 pages isn't bad, especially considering I will be reading other books during that time as well. I'm so glad I thought of this. Suddenly, I don't feel like I'm wasting my life when I go to work every day.

 

On another note, I'm making granola. I love granola, but it's so darn expensive that I can never let myself buy it. So I looked up a recipe and decided to make it for myself. I have about eight cups cooking in the oven right now that I probably made for maybe $5. Yay for me!

[sherryberrypie]

Could you share the recipe? I love granola!

[Firiel]

link removed

 

I got it here. Mine seemed a little overcooked, so I'd maybe cut the cooking time down a little. I also put raisins in which I think cooked faster than the granola which might explain the difference. If I did it again, I'd just add the dried fruit in afterward. A few reviews said it was too sweet, but I did not think that at all. I actually cut down the brown sugar just a bit because of the reviews and wished I'd left it in. But I love the peanuts in it! Yum!

[Firiel]

B and I had a good Thanksgiving. It was at my parents' house, but things went well. We got to hang out with my younger sister's new love interest... he seems like a really nice guy. B and I both feel kind of sorry for him because he's gotten himself all involved with my family. He seemed to like B, though, so I guess my family hasn't corrupted him yet!

 

I am so thankful for link removed. Free public-domain audio books... they've saved my life. I feel like the hours I spend at work have meaning now. The only one I've finished so far is The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I'm currently listening to The Three Musketeers (and can't believe no one forced me to read this earlier! It's great!), and I'm going to listen to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde next. Then Tale of Two Cities, Les Miserables, The Picture of Dorian Grey, and Pride and Prejudice. It gets a little foggy after that. I'm considering Jane Eyre, but I'm not so sure I care about reading it that much. It is a classic, though, and a classic topic for feminist criticism so I may read it just for that.

 

Things are getting better than they have been. I'm still suffering from ennui (one of my GRE vocab words!) because other than being with my husband, I'm not doing much that I want to be doing with my life. But I'm getting there. I'm 22. I've got plenty of time.

[Firiel]

I am very frustrated with my younger sister right now. I was talking to her about her classes, and she said, "Ugh. I have to write a paper about illegal immigration, but after I chose my topic I realized *older sister* has a whole paper written about the death penalty!" I told her it wasn't a big deal because she wouldn't be able to use it anyway, and she said, "Well, I wouldn't turn it in as is. I'd dumb it down a bit." I informed her that that would be cheating and she looked at me all confused and said, "It's not like I would get caught."

 

Seriously? You are seriously the one who believes I have no morals? You've lectured me on all the awful things I do (which I don't!), and then I find out you're nothing but an academic liar and thief? The hypocrisy of my whole family is just encapsulated in my younger sister. She thinks the reason we are not that close anymore is because B "stole me away" or something, but really it's just because I don't agree with who she has become as a person. She is so quick to point fingers at anyone who does something "wrong," but she justifies herself in all of her deception. She isn't honest with anyone about who she is or what she feels. She's a butt-kisser. She's a fake. She talks about people behind their backs. She passes judgment on everyone but herself. It's hard to be close to someone when you never have any idea what they really believe about you because they have become so good at presenting a false image to the people that surround them.

 

I have my own faults, I know. I'm not perfect. I let my imperfections hurt those around me. But at least I recognize that I am fallen. At least I admit that I make mistakes. At least I attempt to be honest with myself and others.

[Firiel]

I need to start keeping track of food again. I haven't been on my thyroid medication in awhile, so I think my metabolism is slowing down. Here's today so far:

 

Breakfast:

Oatmeal

Banana

 

Lunch:

Bowl of cold cereal

Pear

 

We're planning on having hamburgers for dinner. It's not that much food, to be sure, but I am small and don't need a lot. I'm also hoping to really cut down for a few days to a week just to give myself a good head start. I haven't been very hungry today, so that's good. I've just been snacking way to much lately. That with the amount of time I've spent eating with my family (where there is always TONS of food) hasn't been good for my stomach. I can definitely see that it's getting fatter and fatter.

[LivingToday]

Popping in to see how you are doing Firiel...

 

1) Glad you had a good Thanksgiving and hope things works out with guy your sister is with. 2) Too bad your sister is the way she is (regarding the paper and the attitude). 3) Make sure to keep eating right, work on that metabolism and enjoy that granola! 4) And lastly, how awesome that you are enjoying those books. I love the classics. Good luck with Tale of Two Cities, I could not get into it at all. Haven't tried the audio route you are, hmm... If you haven't read Great Expectations, that's a classic but a book I recommend to most is War and Peace. Loved it!

[Firiel]

Popping in to see how you are doing Firiel...

 

1) Glad you had a good Thanksgiving and hope things works out with guy your sister is with. 2) Too bad your sister is the way she is (regarding the paper and the attitude). 3) Make sure to keep eating right, work on that metabolism and enjoy that granola! 4) And lastly, how awesome that you are enjoying those books. I love the classics. Good luck with Tale of Two Cities, I could not get into it at all. Haven't tried the audio route you are, hmm... If you haven't read Great Expectations, that's a classic but a book I recommend to most is War and Peace. Loved it!

 

War and Peace is definitely on my reading list! There are a couple reasons I'm not going to do the audio route with that one... 1) I'm looking forward to it too much to give up the "reading experience" and 2) I want to read the translation done by the same people who translated the version of Anna Karenina that I read this spring, and that version is not in the public domain yet. I love Russian literature. I've enjoyed everything Russian I've read as of yet, from stuff published in the 1800s to stuff published in 1990.

[LivingToday]

Glad to hear you plan to read it yourself, wise move. It is a great book, I'm still amazed how well Tolstoy was able to describe female royalty.