Climbing back up.

[Firiel]

I ate really badly today. I don't even want to talk about it. I did have a really hard workout today. I think it just felt more difficult because I did some sprint work while swimming yesterday. Regardless, it felt really good to work hard.

 

My homework went pretty well. I put together my presentation for Eastern European Literature... I'm going to talk about the mating rituals of fish. It's the most tangentially connected topic ever, but it should be somewhat education for most of the people in my class. I also edited my Russian Lit paper. I got it to the point where I can send it off to a classmate to edit it for me as well.

 

Papers:

Russian Lit second draft: 7.5/7 pages

Chaucer draft: 15/15 pages (second draft: 0/15 pages)

Eastern European paper: 0/4 pages

 

Presentations:

All prepared!

 

Tests:

Core

Structure and Development

 

I'm almost done.

[Firiel]

I am graduating from college summa cum laude. I have a double focus in addition to a minor. Many of my professors have told me how gifted I am. I've always worked hard. I ran track for four years in high school, placing individually in State all four years. I ran two years in college, and though I did fail there, I swear I really tried. I've worked hard this year, and I'm graduating with enough of a head-start in funds that I will be more than able to pay you back at the end of summer. I always listened to you and never got into trouble in high school. I've kept my scholarship to make helping me out with college easier for you. I've never been in trouble at my school. I've made good friends who are a good influence on me. I've never tasted alcohol or smoked a cigarette. Doing drugs has never even crossed my mind. I'm getting married to a pastor, the same job your dad had. Why am I not good enough for you? What do I have to do to be good enough for you? What if I had had a more successful college track experience? What if I had gone to school closer to home? What if I still listened to everything you told me to do? Or would I still just not be good enough?

 

 

 

I have worked through a lot of my issues. When my family abandoned me, I stayed with you, even though it meant losing them. I am much more confident and happy than I was. I have become more able to control my anxiety, even when it means getting up at 6:00 and working out every day. I don't try to control you. I am helpful and supportive of you and your endeavors. I don't pressure you to spend more time with me than you can. I stay thin for you. I love you and always tell you how much I appreciate you. I look up to you. I take what you say to heart. I have never and would never cheat on you. I treat you respectfully. I tell you if I'm going to be hanging out with a guy alone because I know it makes you more comfortable. I never lie to you. I am honest and good. Why am I not good enough for you? What do you need me to be? I can't be someone I'm not, but I'd probably be willing to try for you.

 

 

 

What is so wrong with me that I'm never good enough for anyone? How can I try so hard and be so successful and still not measure up? What makes me so much worse than my two sisters? Why don't my parents love me like they love them? Why are all of his no-good, cheating ex-girlfriends adequate, but I am "too overwhelmed with worry"? I'm trying as hard as I can. I've been trying as hard as I can for 22 years, and I still have not managed to figure out how to get people to accept me.

[Firiel]

I heard my college's president speak the other day. He talking to a bunch of us seniors about the myths that the world seems to propagate. One of them is that rules equals discipline. He said that companies/schools/whatever that use rules instead of encouraging good decisions teach you to be a rule-following person, not a value-based decision maker. The same thing applies in my personal life, I think. I don't want to count calories or have a rule that I exercise every day or *insert consequence here*. I want to be able to live a healthy life because of the habits I've formed through good decision making. And that means I'm healthy even when it's not easy.

 

So I'm going to be healthy this summer. My goals are as follows: keep eating fairly well most of the time (what I am currently achieving seems to be working), find a way to work out that allows me to enjoy it, find a way to incorporate strength training into my workouts, read books (both fun and easy and intellectual), and have an active lifestyle apart from just working out. I just want to have a happy and relaxed healthy life.

 

Today I am going to the library when it opens at nine. I will be working on my Chaucer paper and starting my Eastern European paper. I will hopefully finish a second draft of Chaucer and finish my Eastern European paper this weekend. Gosh, I'm so almost done I can't even believe it.

 

Papers:

Russian Lit: 7.5/7

Chaucer first draft: 15/15 (second draft 0/15)

Eastern European: 0/4

 

Projects:

NONE

 

Tests:

Structure and Development (easy!)

Core (don't even care anymore!)

 

I'm so close! And a week from today, B will be here and I'll never have to live apart from him again!

[Firiel]

Papers:

Russian Lit: 7.5/7 (getting ready to start final draft)

Chaucer first draft: 15/15 (second draft 5/15)

Eastern European: 1/4

 

Projects:

NONE

 

Tests:

Structure and Development

Core

 

I made some progress today. Not too much, but whatever. I know that I am fully capable of getting finished with everything by the time it's due. I will finish up my Russian Lit paper tomorrow, as well as hopefully finish up a second draft of my Chaucer paper and get it out to people to edit. And by the time I go to bed on Tuesday, I will have my Eastern European paper done. That's my goal. I won't work on it tonight. I'll work in it tomorrow if I have time. And if I'm not too busy studying for Core, I'll do it Monday night. But after Tuesday, I have no more tests and no more excuses not to get things done. In less than five days, I will be finished with school forever!!!

 

And I've been responsible enough that my stress level shouldn't be too high in the meantime. Now I'm reaping the benefits of my hard work!

[Firiel]

I'm tired... had a big night last night. My housemates and I went to the senior boat cruise and then to a ritzy place for dessert with our non-senior friends. I didn't get to bed till almost one o'clock. I slept in, though, which was really nice. And I'm probably going to be in bed very soon here. The last couple of weeks of little sleep is catching up to me. I just can't go go go like I did as a freshman. I feel like an old lady because I can no longer make it on just six hours of sleep every night like I did back in the day. It's not even 9:30 right now and I'm falling asleep. On the plus side, I got a lot done today in addition to going to my department's end of the year BBQ. Good friends, good times. I tried to teach a professor's toddler son how to blow bubbles... he kept trying to eat them instead. The cutest ever! It made me want kids.

 

Papers:

Russian Lit: 8/7... DONE!

Chaucer: 17/15 (second draft)

Eastern European: 1/4

 

Projects:

NONE!

 

Tests:

Structure and Development

Core

[Firiel]

I am forever done taking college tests, and I am forever done with that hell-hole of a class that is Core. I pumped out the essay test in one hour of the allotted two. And I don't really care how I do. I'm done! Today I will be buckling down and finishing my Eastern European paper. It shouldn't take me more than a couple of hours if I actually work on it. I feel like I can really relax now, though that is not quite true as I still am waiting on my classmates' edits on my Chaucer paper. I guess I just really feel like I'm on the downhill slope. I did my Structure and Development final last night when I had some extra time that I wasn't using for anything else.

 

Papers:

Russian Lit- DONE

Chaucer- 17/15 (second draft)

Eastern European- 1/4

 

Tests:

NONE

 

Projects:

NONE

[Firiel]

Frustrations:

 

I've never heard of anyone but B and me having issues with Skype. When we try to video chat, we lose our connection all the time. Sometimes it's only once or twice and sometimes it's every couple of minutes. Also, our phones hate each other. Last night we couldn't even talk to each other on the phone because of the horrible connection. I couldn't send texts to him or receive texts from him. Gosh, I'm so glad this long distance crap is almost over.

 

Positives:

 

I am feeling so much better. I've been thinking about how I felt six months ago, and the difference is indescribable. Usually, even when I feel fine and happy, I wouldn't care if I died. And maybe that will be the case again tomorrow. But while I was running today, I thought about dying and I wasn't indifferent. I didn't want to. I actively wanted to stay alive so I could see B again and get married to him and start a life together. The funny thing is, I think a lot of this is due to my thyroid medication. That's when things really and honestly started getting better. That's when I really started to move forward again. No one would have ever thought I had hypothyroidism because I was thin. Plus, I was less depressed and more anxious. I think, though, that my natural anxious tendencies were exacerbated by this underlying depression that was caused by my parents and by my thyroid. I have felt so much better these months than I have in a really long time. It's good to be me again. I've still got my weaknesses, but they aren't running my life anymore.

 

I got a swimsuit yesterday! I got home from the store and promptly spent the rest of the day walking around my house in my new swimsuit. It's a nice tankini with cute little board shorts. It's modest while still being cute... and it shows my legs while de-emphasizing my hips. So that was cool. I'm excited now that I have a cute swimsuit to wear on my honeymoon.

 

So... back to school... I'm so almost done! I basically just have to edit up one or two papers, give a presentation, and I'm done rocking the whole college student thing!

 

Papers:

Chaucer: 17/15

Eastern European: 4.5/4

Russian Lit: 8/7 (DONE!)

 

Projects:

NONE

 

Tests:

NONE

 

So cool!

[Firiel]

I'm packing up to leave my college for the last time. Wow. You know, I honestly got so lucky in choosing my school. There could not have been a school that would have been a better fit for me. The other evening, I went out to a bar with some classmates and one of our professors. How cool is that? We all just chatted about memories and school and whatever friends would talk about. It's just really cool to know that as a graduating senior, my professors actually respect me as a scholar. I know I'm not just another student to them because none of their students are "just another student." It's a wonderful school. I feel like I got a great education while still being a part of a small, close-knit department. In high school, I didn't really fit in. While I liked my friends, there have been only a few that I actually miss. I actually fit in here. Not with everyone, of course, but in the English department, I found a bunch of people that were really good for me. I was able to be myself and still feel like I wasn't too "weird" or "different" for them. I'll miss finding phallic symbols and making references that only people who have taken a particular class will understand. I'll miss having literary discussions with classmates. I'll miss all of it.

 

I'm glad to be moving on, but I'll miss it here.

[Firiel]

It's been a big week. I graduated from college, said goodbye to all my friends (who have basically become my family), moved eight hours away into B's parents' house, and had my car break down. But it's great so far. I've been really busy being lazy the last couple of days. It's awesome.

[Firiel]

Blah. The internet has been awful here the past week or so. Hopefully it'll be fixed soon. I still need to finish Jerry Macguire on Hulu after being interrupted a thousand times due to the failing of the internet.

 

I'm frustrated with B right now. When we first started dating, he had just lost quite a bit of weight. He had cut out certain foods from his diet that he didn't digest well, and he was working out every day. He was making his health a priority, and that was something that I really respected about him. But especially this year, he's totally given that up. He's gained all the weight back. In fact, after we got engaged, he said he wanted to lose some weight before the wedding. Instead, he gained about thirty pounds. It's so frustrating to see him talk about losing weight but then sit in front of the TV eating all day long. I don't want my husband to die when we're fifty or even sixty. He sometimes will tell me he worries about my health because I am a fairly high stress person. It's really hard for me to take his worries seriously when he's being so unhealthy.

 

I know it can't be my job to regulate his health. I'm not his mother. But I don't know quite how to deal with it. He hates all forms of working out that I do. And since it's been rainy here and he hates going out in the rain, he hasn't even been playing sports or going for walks. I know he'd feel better if he was healthy and lost weight. A lot of his numerous health issues would disappear or get better, at least. I'm afraid I'm going to go off on him one of these days and then just make him feel awful about himself. I don't want that to happen.

[Firiel]

I started my job yesterday. It was good to be working again. I forgot how much I don't like lifeguarding, though. I'll probably keep lifeguarding on the side when I have a real job just to get a free gym membership, but I can't wait to work full-time at something else. Here's a frustrating story-- one of the lead guards specifically asked me to take a shift next week. The same lead guard then stopped me from taking a shift because I hadn't finished my shadowing yet. Oh sure, when it fits you the rules can be bent, but not when it fits me. But I can't get frustrated. I want to keep a good attitude about this job, especially since today is only going to be my second day.

 

Poor B had an eight hour day on Thursday, a fifteen hour day yesterday, and has a fifteen hour day today... all at the job that he only wanted to work for about ten hours a week. And I feel bad because I don't know how many hours a week I'll be getting at my job. I was under the impression that it would be forty, but that isn't looking like it'll be the case.

[Firiel]

I wonder if my thyroid medication is off. I've been dying of exhaustion lately. I very nearly passed out the other day (with my four year old cousin on my back... I dropped him... it was terrifying because I was aware but couldn't do anything to stop it). And I really kind of lost it today. It was a hard day, and I don't know if it was all my fault or not. I went shopping with B and his parents. They kept pressuring me to buy things/let them buy things for me which is hard on me. I know they mean it in the best possible way and just want the best for me, but I hate people spending money on me and I hate spending money. But I dealt with it. Gosh, the whole story is too ridiculous to even write out. I just hate getting money spent on me. And I hate that the whole trip turned into an attempt to get me to spend money that I didn't want to spend. The one dress that I wanted I ended up not getting because it wasn't forced on me or bought for me against my will. I'm so frustrated and tired and I have to work at 5:15am tomorrow. B got called into work, so I haven't even been able to talk all this out with him. Now I have dresses I have no shoes for and therefore can't wear anyway, that even if I did get shoes for I would only wear once or twice. I don't dress up so I don't get dress up clothes. It's simple. It just seems like a waste of money. If there's one thing I hate more than wasting my money, it's wasting other people's money.

[Firiel]

My fiance's aunt came over yesterday and helped me get all my thoughts together. She asked me a ton of questions and then put together a to-do list for me. This is also the aunt that doing our photography for super cheap. What a lifesaver! We also came up with an idea for favors for the guests. We got a bunch of tiny metal buckets at the dollar store. We're going to fill them with salt water taffy (beach wedding!), then tie them up with ribbon and tulle (using the wedding colors), stick a cool label on them (again, designed by the miracle aunt), and call it good. It's cheap, cute, and makes sense for our wedding.

[Firiel]

Here's a good question. Why do B's creepy acquaintances/ex-girlfriends keep trying to add me on facebook? First it was this girl he dated for two weeks over a year before we met. She requested my "friendship" three times before I finally gave in. I'm glad I did, though. Her life is like one giant soap opera and she plasters it all over facebook. Then the chick that he dated for a month who stalked him for at least three times that long after they broke up. But... I didn't accept her. And now it's some girl who dated one of his friends. This girl is also a friend of one of his exes, though, so I wonder if that's part of the reason. I find it funny more than anything else. Funny and sad, I guess.

[Firiel]

I need to write here more often. I'm going through a funk. I just graduated from college, left all my friends that I've grown close to over four years, and moved to a tiny city into my future in-laws house with my fiance. It doesn't matter how well it's going (and it is, in fact, going well)... a situation like this is bound to be stressful. I have one friend here, and I'm limited in activities due to my lack of a car. I just feel myself slipping into indifference, and I don't like it. I never want to do anything. I work and come home. And I work out and then ruin all my hard work by stuffing my face.

 

On top of that, I'm really not seeing B very much, considering that we're living together. We have very different sleep schedules because I work very early and he tends to stay up late either working or playing video games. This morning, I woke up just as he was going to bed. We had the chance to spend the evening together tonight. We did watch a movie with his parents, but then his brother came home and they're spending the evening playing video games. I understand that. He's missed his brother. But his brother doesn't really like me so I'm stuck in my room venting to a bunch of people I've never met who probably think I'm a needy psycho because that's kind of what I sound like right now.

 

I want to talk to B about this. Well, that's not quite true. I want to talk to someone about this. I want to just say that I feel crappy for no reason and that I am entirely out of sorts and that I don't know what to do with myself. I want to tell someone that the wedding is stressing me out and that I miss my friends, professors, and classes. But for the past year or so, 99% of my attempts to talk to B about my emotions have turned into arguments about how crazy I am. He loses respect for me when I mention emotions. He hates to talk about them. But then he tells me he wants to be the person I turn to. That seems like a contradiction to me. I miss having someone to talk to about the things that are bothering me. I know it doesn't make logical sense to be in a funk right now. After all, I have my whole life ahead of me blah blah blah. But I am. I want to talk to him about it. I want him to understand for once just how crappy I feel when he calls me crazy. I want him to understand enough to stop. As it is, I've started just getting angry and not saying anything when he pulls a "you're crazy" card on me.

 

I'm on edge. I've been getting frustrated at him which I hate. I'm breaking out again with some nasty zits that last for weeks and never come to a head. I suck at wedding planning. I miss my friends. I miss talking about literature with people. I'm tired, and I'm sick of getting up before 5 o'clock.

[Firiel]

So, I set up a mini-triathlon for me to do as a workout today. I had planned a .5mi swim, a 4mi bike ride, and a 2mi run. On my bike ride, I missed my turn, got all confused as to where I was going, and ended up in the next town. My 4mi bike ride was tripled into a 12mi one. It was actually a nice ride, though. I have "hated" biking for a long time, but I really actually enjoyed it. And it turns out I was doing 5min miles the whole time, which isn't good by any means, but it's fast enough to burn a fairly hefty amount of calories. So it was good to get over the mental block that I can't bike anything more than a mile or two.

 

I've been doing so well when it comes to exercising. But I've been failing so hard at keeping a healthy diet. I think part of it is that there isn't much healthy food left in the house. I've got plans to bike to the store at some point today and buy some good, healthy food. Yay... more biking...

[Firiel]

...I think I'm self-destructing. I don't even know where to start. I think I just need someone to listen to me without calling me crazy. I think I just need someone to at least try to understand me...

[LivingToday]

I'm here listening, if you need an open ear...or need someone to send a PM to.

[Firiel]

I don't even know what's wrong with me. I just really miss my fiance. I think it finally hit me just how uncomfortable I feel talking to him recently. I've been snapping at him for no reason. But I don't want to talk to him about what's bothering me because there is no reason for me to be struggling. He'll just give me that "you're crazy" look/talk that I hate so much. Talking about my emotions always ends up in an argument between us, and I'm just sick of going there. But all I've succeeded in doing is making myself feel alienated from him...

 

Also, thanks, LivingToday. Just someone prompting me to talk allowed me to at least be able to start sorting through what I'm feeling.

[Firiel]

*sigh* I'm visiting my family. About five minutes after entering the house, I felt myself fighting a panic attack. It's settled down a little now, but I've just got that terrible anxious gnawing in the pit of my stomach. Everything stresses me out here. I'm worried about everything I say. There are so many awful memories associated with this place and with these people, which is still so sad to me. I'm still trying not to be angry with my younger sister. I'm still trying to be good enough for my mom. It's funny-- I carry my phone around with me like a security blanket when I'm at home. I can go without seeing B for a whole weekend (or months, even!) when I'm not here and not have that aching need for him. This place just drains me. I guess I know that if my phone is with me, he's only a call or a text away.

 

I always think I'm farther along in getting over everything that happened with my parents than I am. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get over it. I feel like if a guy had treated me like they did, I'd be able to move on and forget about him because anyone who would treat me like that is not worth my time. I'd be able to move on and never look back. But it's my family, and I've only got one of them. I can't just leave. I feel trapped. If it was anyone else, they'd be kicked out of my life. I saw a postsecret the other day. It read, "I finally left a 32 year long abusive relationship. It needed to happen, but I'll miss my mother." It just really rang true with me. I miss the way things used to be. But I sometimes wonder if it's worth putting myself through hell to desperately try and get that back. I just really don't know anymore...

[Firiel]

I just want to cry. Apparently while I was hitting softballs today, one of the small inset diamonds in my ring popped out. I know it's silly, but I love that ring so much because of all that it symbolizes to me (and also, I'll admit, because of how beautiful it is). I had just gotten it cleaned... I had just bought the wedding band... and now I'll never be able to trust it not to break. I kind of just want to be held or talked to because I haven't seen B in three days, but he's busy watching TV...

[Firiel]

Shouldn't I be over this by now? Gosh, I was always such a strong-willed person. I was always the one who would reach a certain point of frustration/pain/whatever and grow stronger because of it. Over a year and a half after this all started, and I still feel broken by the way my parents treated me. I'm functioning now. And in general, I'm very happy. But I still feel crushed and emotionally disfigured. I still wonder why I wasn't good enough for them. I still wish things could be the way they were before. I even cry about it now and again.

 

I don't know if I will ever get over this. I don't know if I will ever be whole again. I made it 21 years without anyone breaking me. But in an instant, my parents destroyed me. I don't know how to move past it... it still hurts.

[Firiel]

I feel very alone right now. I am so sick of having no one to talk to. I am so sick of trying to suppress my emotions. No one cares.

[sophie274]

Hi Firiel,

 

I haven't read most of your journal - just the last two entries or so - but just wanted to say I can SO relate to how you feel (or felt when you wrote that): sick of being alone, or having no one to talk to or putting on a brave face for everyone to see, and if you ever want to talk or message or whatever, I'm here, and all of eNA is here.

 

Hope you're having a better day today!

[Firiel]

sophie, I'm feeling much better today... thanks!

 

 

 

It feels weird lying in bed at nine o'clock when everyone else (even the four year olds!) are still running around for the fourth of July party here. But they don't have to get up at 4:30 tomorrow. I'll be glad I did this tomorrow. Even if I can't fall asleep (as has happened often lately), I will at least have had this time to relax instead of being "on" socially. I got really tired out today. I feel like I might have to go to the doctor again before I get married. I've been so exhausted that I'm worried about my thyroid being out of sync again. But in a way, I don't want to go because... well, if my dose of medicine is working just right, then what the heck else could be wrong with me?

 

It's a long day tomorrow. It's almost nice to know I'll be at work all day so I don't have to worry about the wedding. When I start freaking out about stuff (like the wedding!), I procrastinate. On Tuesday I need to get stuff done. This thing is happening on July 31 whether it's planned or not!