Climbing back up.

[Firiel]

Every day I just feel so lucky to be engaged to B. There was a guy here at college I had a crush on my freshman year... it never went anywhere, I got over it, and we've continued to be casual friends for my time at college. Anyway, he started dating a friend of mine and then was just a real jerk to her... he broke up with her after just a few weeks in a really mean way. I don't think he's a bad guy or anything, but the way he handled everything showed a real lack of maturity. It just made me feel so glad that I'm with B. He has all of his crap together. He treats me so well, but he doesn't ever "spoil" me or let me make excuses for poor behavior. He was here yesterday evening and part of today... and even though we didn't have much time, we just had so much fun. I always have fun with him doing simple things, like going to the store or watching really bad movies. I know some people search their whole lives for what we have. I don't know how I got lucky enough to find it so young.

 

Six weeks. Six weeks and all this ridiculousness with the distance will be done. It takes so much to be in a long distance relationship. People underestimate the effort it takes, I think. When something minor is bothering one of us, we can't cuddle up on the couch till it goes away. We can't solve silly little tiffs with a good episode of Seinfeld. He can't hug me when I'm stressed, and I can't rub his back when he's too exhausted to move. It's really hard. But it's so worth it too.

[Sanesoul]

I just have to say that I've been following your story and it is amazing. Don't fret. I found my true love at 20 and we are still together 10 years later, happier than ever.

[Firiel]

I just have to say that I've been following your story and it is amazing. Don't fret. I found my true love at 20 and we are still together 10 years later, happier than ever.

 

Thanks. Sometimes stories of failed love get me down, and it's always nice to hear that it actually does work out!

 

 

B and I have been tossing around the idea of teaching English overseas for a year or two once he graduates. We'd have to find the right program. It'd probably be pretty easy for me (an English major) to get a job with most programs, but because he is a pastoral ministries major, many organizations would make the (reasonable) assumption that he was in the program to be a missionary rather than a teacher, so they'd shy away from hiring him. His landlord's son is involved in an organization that sends US teachers overseas to a Christian school, though, which would remove that problem. We've talked about going to South Korea... and we are both really excited about the prospect. From what we've heard, the pay is pretty good, and they would pay for our housing.

 

I've always wanted to do something. I've "done the right thing" for my whole life... going to school, getting good grades, etc. But it's boring. I gave up an opportunity to study abroad in college because I was scared. I've decided I'll never give up an adventure due to fear again, and that's one reason I'm so excited about this. I know B being there would really help with my fear, too. It's easier to be stuck in a foreign place if you're stuck there with someone else!

 

Honestly, though, the best thing about this job would be the money we'd save. Neither of us looks to have a high income (I'm an English major, and he's going to be a pastor, after all!), so money will always be tight... and this will hopefully give us a big jumpstart in buying a house and getting established enough to have kids. We've talked about it, and if money wasn't an issue, we'd probably start having kids pretty soon after he graduated from college. It'll probably be longer than that, and I know I'm worried about getting stuck in low-paying jobs that will never allow us to have kids. The money we'd be able to save up in a couple of years of teaching overseas would be so helpful to getting a family started earlier rather than later.

[Firiel]

B got permission to try out for his band again next year (it's a small group of people who go around and lead worship, and they usually don't let married people try out). Mentally, I'm very happy. It helps financially because he gets a scholarship from it, and it's been such a great experience for him. He's loved it this year, and I can tell how happy it makes him. Emotionally, I really want to be glad, but I can't help feeling a little apprehensive. As much as I want to be selfless and say, "Go out and have fun and do what makes the most economical sense," a part of me can't help but think, "Stay home with your new wife! You'll only be a newlywed once!"

 

Part of it is that I don't trust myself to be able to occupy my time, and I know that is my issue and not his which is why I am still encouraging him to join the band even though I'll miss him. I'll be moving back to (near) my hometown, and I don't have many friends from high school left there. My family is there, but the last thing I want to do is make them think my new husband has no time for me, mostly because of their ardent dislike of him. I don't make friends easily... and I'm used to living with roommates and doing homework almost all the time. I see my weekends being filled with lonely internet days because I've forgotten how to occupy myself or actually leave the house to be social.

 

Only a portion of my fear revolves around actually being neglected by B. I don't think it will happen, but I know how busy he's been this year, and I'm worried we won't have time to do anything... and that when we do, he'll be too tired. Having a long-distance relationship has made it easy to spend the time we have with each other taking naps together, making out, and occasionally going out to dinner. And that's great when we barely see each other. But I'm worried that background will make it easy for us to not do anything when we are living with each other, and that his being tired all the time will contribute to that and we'll become a stay-at-home-and-do-nothing couple. I'm not talking about expensive dates or anything, just things like going for walks, going camping, playing sports together... cheap, fun activities. His current fall-back when he has free-time is video games and sports, which is great. He needs the video games to relax and I love that he plays sports. But I can't do those with him, really. I'm not good enough at either that it would be a peer thing and not a teaching thing. Though I do think he'll be attentive to me, a past relationship has embedded the fear of being abandoned for video games and the like inside of me, and I can't help but be a little scared.

 

He promised we'd talk about it, but I know he thinks it's a little silly to come up with a full plan of action before he's even tried out for the group. But I need to work through things in my mind for awhile before I feel comfortable with them, and I want to feel comfortable with this before I'm slammed in the face with the news. So that's what I'm doing here.

[Firiel]

I decided it will be spring today, whether the weather likes it or not. So I'm wearing a tank top, put make-up on and fixed my hair. I'm sick of the clouds and the gray... and I think the sun will actually show its face today.

 

There are some small things I need to fix about the way I live my life:

 

I need to drink more water. I have no idea why I don't. I don't dislike water, and I don't really like drinking juice/soda/tea. Of course, that means I get hardly any liquids throughout the day, which isn't good. So today, I will start drinking more water.

 

I need to focus more. I am really responsible when it comes to getting homework done. However, I am not a focused person. I'm always getting distracted and that means it takes me far more time to get things done. No good. I could actually have some real free time if I could focus.

 

Just got a call from a friend saying I should come join her in the campus coffee shop, so I'm off. Must remember to fill up my water bottle before I go!

[Firiel]

Five more weeks left of school.

 

It's surreal, really. I've been here for four years, building friendships, a reputation, a life... and it's almost over. I'm ready to be done with school, and that's a good thing because if I wasn't, I'd be so sad to be leaving. I complain about my school sometimes, as does everyone, but in the end, I have nothing against it. I've learned so much here. I've grown so much. I understand so much about literature and life that I would never have been able to grasp anywhere else. And now I'm leaving. I've got to build a new life for myself elsewhere. It's exciting... but scary. I haven't really allowed myself to worry about it yet, which is really a shocker to me. I think I know if I start to worry about it, I might be consumed by it.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do for a living yet. I'm an English major, for goodness sake! One of my friends today said, "We have so many unique, valuable skills! It's just too bad that no one really wants to hire us!" I know how to do a lot. I feel completely competent in writing, research, critical thinking, etc. It's just hard to be able to find the right job to apply that to. But I know I would be able to do it with just a little bit of training. I've got the important stuff down pat. Despite my uncertainty, I am confident. And that is a nice feeling to have.

 

B just found out that his internship, which he thought was going to be unpaid, is going to pay him a good sum of money per month. With that income and the scholarship I got from my school, we should be able to pay my parents the money we owe them by the end of the summer like we need to. I was getting worried about money this summer, but sure enough-- God provided. I was very blessed growing up because my family never needed to worry about money. We always had everything we needed. However, despite being thankful for that fact, I fell like I missed out on something. I've never had to depend on God to provide for my physical needs. I never faced the thought, "How are we going to financially handle this?" And I never learned the concept that God will provide. Don't get me wrong-- I don't believe that with a little faith, God will provide me with a million dollar house and a Lamborghini. But being with B has given me the chance to see God provide in ways we could never expect. His loan for school went through right in time. I got this retroactive scholarship from my college. This internship is paying him. I got a job last minute at the only place I applied last summer after my plans fell through. It's nice to have this growing, practical faith that I was never given the need to cultivate before.

 

Five more weeks, and my new life begins!

[Firiel]

Crap. I've finished all my reading for Eastern European Literature. Now when I don't want to do homework but don't want to feel guilty, I won't have that to turn to. I'll have to work on my Chaucer research paper.

 

I think I need to go shopping. I really should buy some nice clothes-- the kind that could be worn at, you know, a job or something. My housemate even said she'd go with me. She's fashionable and claims to be good at finding deals, so since I'm really bad at fashion, it's a good opportunity. I just hate shopping. I hate it. In plenty of ways, I'm the typical girl, but not in this. When I went wedding dress shopping, the lady helping us said I was in and out of those gowns faster than anyone she'd ever seen. To me, it was easier. Look at myself in the mirror, pick out the things I liked and didn't like, take a mental photograph, and try on the next one. Even when B and I registered for gifts, I was pooped out before we hit the two hour mark. And these examples are times when I'm picking out things that won't cost me any money.

 

I'm even worse when it comes to buying things for myself, especially clothes. I hate spending money on them. I will wear them until they are old and crappy... then they just sit in my drawer, and I refuse to buy new clothes until I'm basically out. I know I will need work clothes, but the thought of spending even $100 dollars on clothes just makes me want to curl up and die. I hate hate hate spending money. I love the concept of fashion... but when it comes down to actually doing something about it, I'm way too lazy and I'm way too bad at knowing what looks good to actually be fashionable. So I have to spend money on uncomfortable clothes that I like in theory but will probably avoid wearing (in favor of sweats and a t-shirt) as often as possible.

 

Gosh, give me a bookstore over a clothes store any day.

[Firiel]

It was a gorgeous day out today. Unfortunately, I had to spend almost the entire day in class and working. Such a bummer!

 

I'm in the middle of re-chartering the English major club that I am president of this year. It's more stressful than I thought it would be. I'm wondering if we have enough money for the end of the year BBQ... if I will be able to get the paperwork in on time tomorrow... if next year's president will be able to come in front of the budgeting committee with me on Monday... I can't wait to be done with this. I guess I'm glad I decided to be a part of the leadership of this club, but it sure was a pain in the butt. I can't wait to get this responsibility passed on to the next sucker. That makes me sound awful, but it's entirely true.

 

I need to make a list of major things I will need to do before graduation. The main one will be my Chaucer paper. I'm going to look at the impact of Lollardy on women, and I'm going to argue that even though the movement appeared to help empower women, it still didn't undermine the misogynist view of women as simply carnal, physical beings. I'm going to argue that the rest of society noticed the way that Lollard women were literal and carnal, and that the Catholic church specifically responded to that idea through their depictions of Mary in the N-Town plays. If anyone knows what I'm even talking about... yay, we should be friends. I always pick the weirdest topics for research papers. For my British Romanticism paper, I wrote about Freud's concept of the unheimlich in relation to the women in Frankenstein and "Rime of the Ancient Mariner." For my Anglo-Saxon class, I wrote about cannibalism as portrayed in Anglo-Saxon literature. That's what's so great about English... if you can imagine it, it's worth writing about (for the most part).

 

I need to go to bed. I'm tired, and I have a heck of a lot to do tomorrow. If I can actually do a lot of homework tomorrow, maybe my weekend will be a little easier... I'll try to do some research for Chaucer tomorrow.

 

Less than a month until I'm done.

[Firiel]

Today...

 

6:20- Woke up

6:40- Went for a run

7:15- shower and breakfast

7:45- reading/laundry/relax

9:15- headed to the library where I...

> wrote three pages of my Chaucer paper

> read for and wrote my one pager for a class

> did my Chaucer reading

> printed off a document

> sent various important e-mails

> finished my Brothers Karamazov reading for the day

4:00- came home

4:15- cleaned up the house

5:15- wasted time (ah, the glorious luxury that is slothfulness!)

7:00- friend came over to watch the Princes and the Frog

9:00- hung out and talked a bit

10:20- writing in my journal before going to sleep.

 

All in all, it was a fairly productive day. I wish I had gotten more done, of course, but that's always the case. I'm just glad I have a real start on my Chaucer paper now. Before I go to bed, I will make a list of the things that I have to do tomorrow... tomorrow has to be a homework day the whole day. It's just getting harder and harder to pull full homework days... must be the senioritis.

 

Tomorrow my main focus will be on...

> Researching for Chaucer

> Russian Lit (reading and research)

> Preliminary research for my Core scenario

 

I will also try to...

> Read the N-Town Plays

> Do my project for Structure and Development

 

I will make it through the next month, and then I will be graduated. It's so close, I could taste it if I wanted to... but I can't let myself, or I'll lose focus right here at the end!

[Firiel]

I was reasonably productive today. Time is ticking, though. I will have to be on my top game for the rest of the semester. Almost done. I went to KFC with my friends today... I got the Double Down, which is two chicken patties surrounding cheese and bacon. That's right... the chicken takes the place of bread. Utterly ridiculous. It was really only okay. I was hoping it would be a brilliant masterpiece of greasy, fatty food, but it was actually quite the let down. Ah well. I'll never be tempted to have one again, that's for sure.

 

It was a weird day today. I started to get really worried about getting married. It's been building up for awhile now, I think, and it just kind of hit me today. I have a huge fear of not being good enough in my life. In most things, I know that if I suck at something, I can quit. But I know I can't quit at marriage... and I'm worried about being good enough. I'm worried about not loving him enough. I'm worried about messing up. I know I over-think everything. It's a weakness of mine, and it so often keeps me from making decisions.

 

I told myself I wouldn't let fear hold me back anymore, but you hear so often that doubts mean things aren't right. I don't necessarily believe that, especially for someone like me. I know I've not done things before because of doubts and then looked back and realized that I missed out on a great opportunity. I know in my mind that what I'm doing is right... I know in my heart that what I'm doing is right... I just get this fear from somewhere else that sits in my stomach and festers...

 

I wrote an essay for one of my creative writing classes... it was about vampires and fear and my life. I took my childhood fear and obsession with vampires and basically connected them to fear, painted fear itself as a vampire preying on me. I think I will always struggle with it. I've accepted that. I've almost given up, in a way. I try to keep it at bay, but I've given up that I will ever truly escape it. I just don't know when fear is a warning and when fear is a vampire trying to bleed my life dry.

[Firiel]

I got up at 6:00 this morning and went for a 20 minute run. I ended my run at the soccer field, took off my shoes and socks and did some sprints in the dewy grass. It was amazing. I haven't run fast in a long time. And I haven't run fast just for the sake of running fast for even longer. When I was doing track, I was always trying to compete and trying to push myself. When I was running today... I could just be. It was so amazing to just feel my legs spring off the ground again and to pump my arms and feel the wind and be tense and loose at the same time. I missed it. One of these mornings, I should go to the track and bust out the hurdles. I've never hurdled barefoot before, and if I put them on the grass, I can.

 

And even more glorious... it was sunny today. It was hot today. It was summer today. I sat outside and read... we had class outside... I got some sun... it was great. I'm a little pink, but the kind of pink that will turn into a slight tan and make me look like a person instead of a ghost. We're supposed to get a thunderstorm later this week, which is great because I love thunderstorms. Drizzling rain gets old after awhile, but a thunderstorm is just beautiful to me, especially when it clears up and the sun is shining on the wet grass and trees. I hope that happens tomorrow and maybe the next day and then clears up for the weekend.

 

But... how am I doing in school? Well, I've got three and a half more weeks left. Right now, I am five pages into my first draft for my 15 page Chaucer paper. I have an idea for my Russian Lit paper, and I'm planning on reading Brothers Karamazov for awhile before going to sleep. I am done with everything for my Eastern European class. I'm ahead in my grammar class and just have a few more assignments left. Core is... well, dumb as usual but my new small group seems competent which makes me feel very blessed. I had the wish today that I could go back and do college again without caring about my GPA... I'm graduating with a 3.9+ which is a great accomplishment... but if I could go back and change anything, I'd hang out with friends more. I'd get involved in things that I wanted to do. I'd focus less on English and take classes outside the department. I'd do intermurals. I'd spend Friday nights with friends and not doing homework. I'd make an effort to have a more diverse circle of friends. I'd care more about life and less about school. It seems like awful advice because many college students need the opposite advice... I just sometimes feel like I was so scared of failing that I failed in the areas that were most important. It was such a warm, beautiful evening tonight. I just wished that I was out lying on a blanket near the powerlines behind the school with B, watching the starts come out and not having a care in the world.

 

Speaking of B, three and a half more weeks, and we're done with goodbyes. It's surreal that it's so close, but it still feels so far away. I miss him.

[Firiel]

I am helping to put on an epic larping battle at my college. So far, 121 people ahve RSVP'd on Facebook. Yesterday my housemate and I went to a dorm to make our PVC pipe weapon. We now have a scythe. It's so sick. I'm so excited for Saturday. There's going to be food, a DJ, everything. I'm doing the 1-on-1 battle, but not the epic battle of the nations that will follow. I get to be a ref to make sure people don't go too crazy. Speaking of going too crazy, at weapon making in the dorms last night, I noticed one of the guys had about 8 feet of pipe for his weapon. So I pointed it out to my buddy (who is in leadership and was helping out), and he asked the guy what it was for. The guy says, "It's a lance! Like in jousting! I'm going to ride my bike!" He was very disappointed when we told him that was not going to be allowed.

 

When I was at the gym yesterday, I got my body fat tested. The thing said I had 13.3%... I think it was a little low because it was morning and I had just worked out so I probably wasn't that hydrated. But still... it worries me that I can have such a low body fat and still see so many places with more fat than I'd like. I honestly think that right now, I'm still healthy. I feel good, and I haven't received any "you look too thin!" comments (except from my mother, and she doesn't count). If I don't get much thinner, then I should be just fine. The sad thing is, the reason I don't want to get thinner is not because I really care about being unhealthy. It's because I don't want my parents to think, "Boy, we knew she was messed up. What a loser. She really is the worst of our three kids." I just don't want to prove them right.

[Firiel]

The last few weeks, I have been getting better in several areas of my life only to get worse in others. So first of all, the things I have done well:

 

1. I've started drinking water again. I've been carrying my water bottle to class and drinking throughout the day. Instead of maybe drinking one glass, I'm probably pretty close to the eight glasses a day goal.

 

2. I've been doing more than just long, slow cardio. On Tuesday, I did some sprints in the grass. Today I did ten hills. Both of those were after I had already done my typical long, slow cardio. It's nice to get moving quickly again. And it's really good for me. I haven't done sprint work since I quit track. I would like to continue doing this, aiming for twice a week. When I am swimming, I can just add three to five quick-paced 50s onto the end of my long swim.

 

3. I've been keeping my room (mostly) clean. Okay, so for me, "keeping my room clean" means cleaning it every weekend. And I've been doing this. Once I was able to keep it clean for three or four days! It's messy right now, but cleaning it is on my list of things to do today.

 

Now for the flip-side... things I have been slacking on:

 

1. I've been really unmotivated. I have only three weeks left, and since last weekend, I've found myself not wanting to do anything at all. I really need to get my butt back in gear, especially in regards to the big assignments. The last thing I want is to have one weekend to do my whole Chaucer paper and my whole Russian Lit paper. It's hard because my schedule is very spread out, and I like to write papers in long chunks. I'm done with most of the little things for school that I can fit into the small chunks of my time, so they end up being wasted. I need to start utilizing my time efficiently. And I need to get people to do homework with me so we can motivate each other.

 

2. I haven't been eating well. We haven't had a lot of fruit or vegetables in our house lately, and that's caused me to slack on my eating habits. But no more! We went shopping and got some good food. This morning, I had Cheerios and and banana. I'm getting hungry again, so I'll probably have some apples with a bit of peanut butter. I've been feeling greasier and nastier since I haven't been eating as clean, and I want to feel good again.

 

Those are my goals for the rest of the school year, to continue with my newly formed good habits and to discontinue the bad. That and finding a job. I need to find a job. It's just so hard to job-hunt when you're eight hours away from the place you will be spending the summer.

[Firiel]

So... I didn't end up eating healthy yesterday. But I did work on my Chaucer paper. And considered what an exhausting day I had, I did quite a bit of homework. Yesterday was the larping tournament put on by me and several other folks at school. It was great. I go to a small college... maybe 2,400 undergrads altogether. And there were at least 150 people participating in or watching the tournament. The best thing is that it was all sorts of different people. There were the guys that play D&D, the sports guys that just wanted to hit something, girls that wanted to beat people up... it wasn't a nerdy thing and it wasn't a jock thing. It was just a huge collaboration of epic-ness. My friend J and I had gone shopping to pick up some last minute supplies, and by the time we made it to the field, people were already there... we were walking the cooler to the check-in tables, and we were shocked to see hordes of shirtless men chanting and getting pumped up. It was so crazy. Gosh, it was just epic. I was the only girl to take part in the one-on-one battle... and I made it past the first round, which was pretty cool. I had people telling me how awesome I was all day long. I had my scythe, and my friend gave me a black cloak, so I was Death... I kept watch over the "graveyard" during the big battle. I think there were more students watching the larping than watching the conference track meet down by the track... oops.

 

But yeah, today will hopefully shape up to be a productive day. I'm busy doing a lot of things that I have to do which will cut into my homework time, but I should be free by five or six, at which point I can start working on my Chaucer paper and hopefully my Russian Lit paper. Gosh, I wish I could ever journal about anything besides school... but I feel like it's just consuming my life right now. I feel like if I don't let it consume my life, I'll lose all motivation completely. That's always been a weakness of mine... I don't have a "middle ground." Aristotle's Golden Mean is just entirely beyond my reach. I am either very motivated and obsessively do work or I put it off till the last minute and spend most of my time trying to find clever ways to procrastinate. So far this semester, I have been the former. And I've needed it with the workload I've had. It just keeps getting harder and harder to be motivated, especially when I know how little work it would take for me to pass my classes. I just need to keep summa cum laude in mind. I don't need to have stellar grades to keep it... I just need to get a 3.6 this semester. That should make me less stressed but also keep me motivated.

[Firiel]

I was able to talk to B for a long time last night. It was really nice. Somehow, though, I feel like I can't talk to him as easily as I used to be able to, and that worries me a bit. I feel like we've actually grown apart during this semester some. I can't say I didn't expect it, what with our mutual busyness and dissimilar schedules, but it's still scary. I told myself that things would be different this semester but that it was only for a relatively short period of time... and that things would go back to being the same over summer. I just really hope they do. It's nothing he's done. What really got to me was that yesterday, after not talking to him him on Sunday and not talking much on Saturday, we had all the time in the world, and I felt like we ran out of things to say at the 30min mark. The conversation picked back up after that, but... I guess it's hard to explain. I feel like my desire to spend time with him or talk to him is slaking. I think this summer we really need to work on growing as friends again.

 

We still are best friends, but when you can't spend time with a person, the relationship changes. I really hope we can spend some time doing friend things together-- going to the park with a picnic dinner, going on walks, playing sports, just that kind of thing. That's what I think we need right now. We don't need a flash visit of a day or less, filled with making out, cuddling and/or talking. Those days are fun, of course, but that's the only type of visit we've had for two months now. We need time to go out and socialize and run errands and do the everyday fun things again. We need to have a normal life together. We need to have jobs and be excited to see each other in the evenings so we can go out with friends or have a date night. He needs to seem like a real person to me again and not like a voice on the phone.

 

I think more importantly, I need to be less stressed. That's affecting me for sure. I'm pretty much always at least a little on edge which can't be good, especially when B is so laid back. I wonder if I should bring this whole problem up when we get a chance to have a real talk again... honestly, I think not feeling free to talk to him about anything is contributing to this as well. But you've got to do what you've got to do.

[Firiel]

I'm about to listen to a voicemail from an unknown number... a job calling me back?

 

I hope so!

 

Edit: Heck yeah! A call from the aquatic center! *squee*

[Firiel]

I can't go to sleep. I'm not tired. I don't want to do homework. Every minute I'm up I know will make it more difficult to wake up in the morning. I think it's the frozen yogurt I had... but then, I've never noticed sugar keeping me awake before. Oh well. I think I just need to calm my brain down. I've had a bit of an exciting day.

 

First, I got a job! At the aquatic center, no less. It's certainly an answer to prayer. I needed a job, and that was my first choice. I thought it had fallen through, but I got a call today... did a quick phone interview... and bam! I had the job. It's close to where I'll be living, it's decent pay, I already know someone working there, and I get to swim for free. It's perfect.

 

Also, I think I figured out the angle I want to take in my Chaucer paper. I've been missing an argumentative clause in my thesis, really. My paper was more of a descriptive paper-- "Hey, look at all of these carnal women trying to be Lollard preachers!" Now, I think I'm going to argue that the authors of the time were deconstructing Lollardy by revealing the paradoxical way in which they viewed women. They are showing that such women cannot really exist. I've got this wonderful word study planned out. It's a double pun that combined gender, intellectuality, and religion. It's a little sad how gleeful I am about it. I'm such a nerd. I just love medieval stuff... they are way smarter than we typically give them credit for. It's so easy to see ourselves as so much more "advanced" and "intellectual" than those crazy medievalists, but my professor has given us good reason to believe that they were just as postmodern as we are. It's fascinating.

 

That's what's keeping me up. All of it. The thinking, the gears turning, everything. My Russian Lit paper has been coming together in my mind too, which doesn't help with the sleep thing. I'm going to argue that the narrator in Brothers Karamazov is the devil that comes and visits Ivan. I think I'm going to turn it into a bit of a reader response analysis. I'm going to connect the idea of the devil/the demonic with the hypothesis throughout the book that people love evil. The narrator is the force behind the story, and it is this demonic force that drives the story through us, the readers. We love parricide and prostitutes and spite and hate... that's why we read a book that is full of it. I've never really dabbled in reader response criticism before, so it should be interesting. Especially since I don't really remember anything about it. It's weird that I feel competent writing a research paper on it when I can't even think of any important terms associated with it. I feel like that's the way it is with most literary theory. You are introduced to it, you read articles focused on it, and then you can write about it without really remembering the specifics.

 

Crap, maybe I should go to grad school. I don't think I know anyone else who has felt compelled to get out of bed to jot down ideas for a Chaucer paper...

[Firiel]

I broke down today. A few fairly minor things went wrong, and I just started to think of my parents and that whole situation. I started to think about how people would have told me to react if it had been a romantic partner treating me the way they did. I'd thought of this before, but never quite to this extent. If it had been a man that had treated me well while I did whatever he wanted, but who checked up on me all the time by sneaking into my computer and checking my bank account online, people would have told me to get out of the relationship. If it had been a man that had started treating me poorly the second I didn't make a decision he liked and had made me feel guilty for being my own person, people would have told me he was being cruel. If it had been a guy that had emotionally manipulated me for months, said terrible, awful things to me, tried to make me feel like I was more painful than his mother's death, people would have told me I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. And I would have been. I would have listened to them and left him. I considered dropping everything with my parents. But they are my family, and so I felt like I couldn't. I don't know what to do with that analysis. I don't know if I was in an emotionally abusive situation. If I am an abuse victim, what do I do? How do I deal with that? Is it abuse if I chose to stay in the situation and if I could have and should have just stopped caring what they think? I still feel like it's my fault... like it was my reactions and not their actions that caused my pain. I'm an adult. I was an adult when it happened. Doesn't that mean it's just two adults disagreeing? If I was arguing with a co-worker, I wouldn't think to call that abuse. I think I'm making too big a deal about this. I don't want to be the girl that can't drop things and that blows everything out of proportion. But still, the fact remains that if they had been a significant other, I would have felt pretty emotionally abused. They swung me around like a rat on the end of a string... I felt like I was just uncontrollably hitting wall after wall after wall. I don't know how to make sense of this. I feel like if I said "Yeah, my parents were emotionally abusive last year," no one would understand, and they would all think I was crazy. I don't know. I don't know what to make of all this...

 

Update on school projects:

Chaucer draft- 10/15 pages

Russian Lit draft- 1.5/7 pages

Eastern European paper- 0/4 pages

 

Projects left:

Core scenario #4

Grammar/punctuation project

Eastern European presentation

 

Tests left:

Structure and Development

Core

 

Time left: ~2 weeks

 

Wow. I need to get my butt in gear!

[Firiel]

School update:

 

I brought my unfinished Chaucer draft to a fellow classmate. She's very smart... a good writer, but mostly a good thinker. Anyway, she really liked my draft so far. I basically knew what was wrong with it, and she had some good suggestions on how to fix those problems. It was good to get some very positive feedback so early on.

 

Chaucer draft: 10.5/15 pages

Russian Lit paper: 3.5/7

Eastern European paper: 0/4

 

 

Life update:

 

I realized today I subconsciously connect love with money. I don't think that if someone loves me, they have to buy me things. Rather, I feel that if someone doesn't love me, they have no right helping me financially. I don't even feel comfortable with my parents getting me birthday or Christmas gifts because of everything that's happened between me and them. Weird.

 

I don't feel like I have a lot to say other than that. School is dominating my life. And spending time with friends I might never see again. I've got to make it a habit to come back to my college after I graduate. I'm going to miss all my friends here so much. I'm a very different person, and my school's English department really fits who I am. I not only feel like I fit in, but I feel like I thrive. I often feel very awkward in social situations. But someone I never had trouble fitting in here. I'm going to miss it. I don't know how I'll make friends again, especially not friends who actually think I'm funny, cool, and the life of the party. I'll make it, though. It'll be an adventure.

 

Also, our entire student body got an e-mail regarding a security alert. Apparently, there was a theft in a nearby church, and we were warned to watch out for the thief. The stolen items? A projector, a purse, and some hotdogs.

[Firiel]

I've been in the library all day so far, except for the break for lunch I just took. So far I have written my section of the Core scenario, re-read the chapter on Ivan's devil, and written close to two pages in my Russian Lit paper. I am a slow writer. Writing is like pulling teeth to me. I have great thoughts, but I tend to think in explosions with millions of connections to everything. When I start to write my thoughts out, I have to reign all of that in and make a coherent argument that is concise. That's tough for me. Being a slow writer is probably the bane of my existence as an English major. People tend to make fun of me (in a joking way) about always starting things ahead of time and getting them done before they're due. But I really need that extra time. Having time gives me the confidence that I can actually finish (and do well on) the assignments I need to complete.

 

Right now, I feel like I want to be done for the day. My brain is shot. It was rainy this morning, but the day is turning out to be gorgeous. But I know I'll be happier next week and next weekend if I really buckle down this weekend. I know next weekend I'll be swamped with social events that I have to/really want to take part in. I know that next weekend is my last weekend before graduation. I know I need to be in here today working hard and getting stuff done. But gosh, I just can't imagine anything better than saying, "Forget all of this... I'm going to live my life for me."

[Firiel]

Ugh. I have still been eating like a pig. I'm going to set a reasonable goal right now... I'm going to really watch my eating for two weeks... until graduation. I just need to get out of the habit of mindless snacking. So for the next two weeks, this journal will probably turn into a food/schoolwork journal.

 

I'm starting out my day healthy with one of my favorite breakfasts: oatmeal with banana and raisins put in before cooking it (that way the bananas get mushy and the raisins get plump) with a bit of milk, some cinnamon and some honey put in. We've got plenty of (somewhat) healthy food in the house, so I just need to eat with a purpose. That's always my big problem.

 

About homework... well, I didn't end up doing as much as I should have yesterday. I feel guilty about it today. I did finish my section of the Core scenario, and that was nice to get done with. Today my group members are coming over to my house, and we are finishing up our Structure and Development project. That will be one more easy (but time consuming) project out of the way.

 

Right now, here is where my projects sit:

 

Chaucer paper: ~11.5/15

Russian Lit paper: ~5.25/7

Eastern European paper: 0/4

 

Projects to finish:

Structure and Development

Eastern European presentation

 

Tests to take:

Core

Structure and Development

 

My goals today (in order of likelihood of completion):

Structure and Development project

Finish Russian Lit draft

Come up with my Eastern European argument

Finish Chaucer draft

 

I'd love to get all of that done, but I kind of doubt I will. So far, none of my papers are due for at least another week. I'm almost done. I just need to keep my motivation for another two weeks. I've totally got this!

[Firiel]

Eating well didn't go so hot yesterday. I had my oatmeal for dinner, an orange and a piece of toast with tuna for lunch, a bean and egg burrito for second lunch, carrots for a snack, and tortellini for dinner. That was okay. But then I made cookies and ate some of the dough... and I had some saltine crackers... just stupid snacking when I wasn't hungry anyway.

 

I also didn't do well with homework yesterday. It's so hard to motivate myself. I finished my Russian Lit draft, but not my Chaucer paper. I hate Chaucer. I'm getting really sick of it.

 

So... another school update:

 

Papers

Russian Lit draft: 7/7 pages

Chaucer draft: ~11.5/15

Easter European draft: 0/4

 

Projects

Eastern European presentation

 

Tests

Structure and Development

Core

 

I need to get my butt in gear today. Seriously. When I slack off like I did yesterday, I end up feeling worthless. It doesn't matter to me that I have done way more for the end of the year than most of my friends... I hold myself to a standard that I would never dream of holding anyone else to. It's the same with weight. I was talking to B last night, and I told him I felt lazy and that I felt fat. I went on to explain that even though I know I'm not fat... even though I know I'm thin, in shape, and actually have a really great body, sometimes I hate it. I get scared of being "fat" even though I don't think less of the heavier people in my life. It's weird. It's like there's the world I live in and the world everyone else lives in. In their world, healthy is when you feel good... a good GPA is anything above a 3.5... reading for class is not necessary... whatever. In my world, fat is when I hit 140 or don't spend the day a little hungry... a bad GPA is anything less than a 3.9... if I don't read for class, I am a failure... whatever.

 

Why am I so messed up?

[Firiel]

Good day yesterday. I ate the following:

 

Oatmeal with raisins, banana, cinnamon and honey

Six inch turkey sub on wheat bread with no cheese but with some veggies

Some tuna (made with Miracle Whip)

Hard-boiled egg

Piece of toast with peanut butter and raisins on it

Frozen waffle

Fairly small amount of sunflower seeds

 

I think that looks pretty good except for the lack of fruits and veggies. Ugh. I hate trying to eat enough fruits and veggies, especially when we don't really usually have that many in our house. Oh well. I've got to get on that. I did better yesterday than I have during plenty of non-healthy spells in my life.

 

I felt productive yesterday, too, even though I only got half a page written in my Chaucer paper. I read another article and now I feel ready to tackle my final argument, then on to my conclusion!

 

Papers:

Chaucer draft- 12/15

Russian Lit draft- 7/7 (hoping to start editing today or tomorrow)

Eastern European paper- 0/4 (this one needs to get written soon, but I don't want to write it until I'm done with my first draft of Chaucer)

 

Projects:

Eastern European presentation

 

Tests:

Structure and Development

Core

 

Today I will finish my Chaucer draft. That is most important to me. I got decent sleep last night, so no matter how late it is, I'll get Chaucer done. If I have time, I will start editing my Russian Lit paper. I printed out a copy while I was at school yesterday, so I will be able to edit it on hard copy which has always been easier to me. Right now, I will go ahead and start working on my "essay questions" for my S+D test. It's an open book, open note test online, so she gives us the essay prompts ahead of time so when we come to the essay questions in the test, we can just copy and paste our answers there. Nice.

[Firiel]

Midday update: I'm a bit frustrated, even though I have no reason to be. Today was going to be my paper writing day. But since I just have a measly four hour a week college job, I make it a habit to take whatever opportunity I can to earn money. So I got a call from a couple I've done yard work for in the past asking if I could come over and do some raking. I took that. I'm going over at three. Then a friend of mine asked if I could take part of her shift... from 7:30 till whenever she was able to get there (she had a conflict come up). I said okay, and I really am thankful for the extra hours... I just hate having my day chopped up into small, two hour segments. I already told myself I was finishing my Chaucer draft up today... no matter what. So I will. But I am really tired today already. And tomorrow is a "get up at six" day. Ugh. So are the trials and tribulations of finals week. Good thing I have plenty of tea.

 

By this time next week, I'll be on the downward slope...

[Firiel]

What an exhausting day! I was going to set aside the whole evening for homework and was going to be able to write my Chaucer paper at a leisurely pace. But, as I wrote above, I got busy with work. I worked till 10, though I was able to do some of my Chaucer paper while working in the writing center. I did make over $100 dollars today, though, which is cool. But I finished my draft. And I think it will come together really well in the editing process.

 

Papers:

Chaucer draft- 15/15

Russian Lit draft- 7/7

Eastern European paper- 0/4

 

Projects:

Eastern European presentation

 

Tests:

Core

Structure and Development

 

As for my food today...

 

My oatmeal concoction

Minestrone soup (with lots of veggies!)

Granny Smith apple

Egg on wheat bread

Bowl of cereal

Chili

Saltine crackers

Some milk

 

I still need more fruits and vegetables. Tomorrow I'll bust into the carrots. I'm going to sleep now. My fingers have stopped working.