Climbing back up.

[Firiel]

The nice thing about being a senior is knowing the people in my department well enough to commiserate with them. I was freaking out about my paper, so I texted a friend of mine from that class. And we're meeting tomorrow to work on stuff together. I'm feeling more in control of things than I was yesterday for sure.

 

Still, I can't help but think I'm missing out on something. In my class on contemporary Eastern European literature, the prof told us at the beginning of the semester that the question he wanted us to keep in mind is "What are you doing with your freedom?" We are reading all these books about communist Europe, or recently freed countries in Europe... and they are all raising the problem of freedom and what you should do with whatever amount of freedom you have. And I'm not really doing anything with mine. I'm allowing myself to be imprisoned by anxiety and academics and weight and worry and life. When I am not imprisoned, I'm watching TV online or just hanging out with my friends, neither of which is inherently bad, but I feel like I should be doing more. I should be living out convictions and making a difference or at least seeking new experiences and new journeys.

 

I have always had this longing for something different, this longing for adventure, and I don't think it will ever be fulfilled. I used to dream about running away... about packing up my car, emptying out my bank account and running away to Alabama or Illinois and working at a tiny diner. I get this need to escape, but I always feel so trapped.

[Firiel]

I started birth control this morning. I'm already starting to notice (imagine?) increased appetite. And I'm scared to eat because I'm scared I'll gain weight... I'm not even scared I'll get "fat." I know with my build and with my metabolism, it would take a fairly intentional decision in order to get "fat." *sigh* I know I have psychological food and weight issues, but I've never really talked to anyone about it because... I don't know... I guess because I don't want to be "that girl." People don't mention my weight often, mostly because I am still healthy... just on the very skinny side of healthy...

 

But I know my attitude isn't healthy. I mean, here I am, worrying about gaining a few pounds when tall and in the very low range of weight for my height. People don't notice when I lose or gain ten pounds. Five pounds would look like almost nothing on me. The kind of scary thing is that it's always stress that does this to me. When I am busy and stressed out, I start working out and watching what I eat. It helps me keep my schedule under control... it gives me a way I can feel accomplished even if everything else is going badly.

 

I have no idea why I'm like this. I always felt like the ugly, fat sister growing up despite the fact that I wasn't fat, even compared to my sisters. And I know now I'm the thinnest of my sisters. I think part of it is that my fiance has always dated slim girls... he told me once (just as a "this was odd" story) that all of the girls he dated (besides me) were 5'8" and 125 pounds. At the time I weighed about 15 pounds more than I do now, so I felt like the giant fatty... and that's stuck with me, even though I know he thinks I'm the hottest girl ever.

 

I really think all of my weight issues and most of my self-esteem issues go back to anxiety, though. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. I remember being terrified of getting in trouble and panicking about it as far back as kindergarten. I've been doing pretty well lately... as long as I keep exercising and don't get behind in my schoolwork. But sometimes I win... sometimes it does.

[Firiel]

I'm flying home to see B today. I can't wait. It's annoying, though, because due to my huge amounts of school anxiety, I am always just a little reluctant to go home and spend a weekend doing something other than homework. I always feel like I'll get behind (because, realistically, with all of the crap I have to do this semester, I will) and won't be able to catch up. I need to keep a 3.5 this semester if I don't want to drop below summa cum laude for graduation. It seems easy, but I have a very difficult class schedule. I don't know why I did this to myself my final semester.

 

I was debating not running this morning. I'm glad I decided to. I just went for a short run. It was enough to get my blood pumping and to wake me up. It's hard surviving on 5-7 hours of sleep a night for extended periods of time. I keep telling myself that it's less than three months till I'm graduated. And then I don't have to worry about school anymore. Then I'll just have to worry that I don't know what I'm doing with my life... hmmm...

[Firiel]

Update:

 

School is hectic as all get-out. I've been so busy. In fact, I should be preparing a presentation on propaganda and Chaucer instead of being online. And studying for my Russian Lit test. I am so over school at this point... I still love going to classes and reading the material; I am just completely over papers and tests and being evaluated.

 

B and I have been doing really well. I feel for the first time that the whole "parents" incident is really and truly winding down. I really feel like it will only get better from here. Not worrying about them every few days has really helped me de-stress emotionally.

 

On a not-so-great note, I'm worried about my eating habits. Lately, I've been eating very little during the day and doing small (semi)binges at night. That's not the way to eat. Today, I tried to eat a bit more throughout the day to see if it will help me not eat so much at night. I guess we'll see how that goes. I'm making dinner right now... I'm going to cook a chicken breast and have that. I would make it breaded, but I think we're out of eggs, and that's what I use to make the bread crumbs stick. Dang.

[Firiel]

I'm exhausted. If I can make it through the next week and a half, I'll be golden. Spring break will come and I'll be able to get ahead in my schoolwork and maybe not be so stressed. It'll be nice that I won't get to see B over break, actually, because that means I actually will get schoolwork done.

 

Things I have to do before break (rated 1-10 on difficulty scale):

 

Chaucer paper- 8

Russian Lit midterm- 6

Grammar midterm- 3

Core scenario- 5

Russian lit paper?- 5

Wedding invitations- 4

Revise paper for conference- 4

Put on English major social event- 3

Put on a theme house event- 3

Chaucer article review- 7

 

So yeah. That and keeping up with all the reading for my classes will be pretty intense. But I've just got to hold on till graduation.

 

I'm also feeling really torn about my future right now... and unprepared for my midterm tomorrow.

[Firiel]

I've been reading a thread about girls and wedding proposals... the topic was turned to the "dream wedding" concept that girls dream about. And I find it odd that I never had that. I was babysitting some kids as a teenager and the older girl was about ten and said, "When I get married, I'm going to Hawaii on my honeymoon." I was floored simply because I never thought this way. I've never assumed I would get married, even though I come from a culture where it's really pretty weird if you aren't married by the time you're 24 or so. Marriage is hugely important in my family and in the area where I grew up, yet I never assumed I'd get married.

 

Of course, I am getting married and I'm thrilled I'm getting married because B is the perfect match for me. But I never felt like it was something I was entitled to, like people claim that girls are taught. It's just odd. I didn't have my wedding planned as a 16 year old. I didn't have a list of things I needed in a mate that was any longer than a list of five personality traits that I, through experience, realized that I was compatible with. It's never been a big deal to me.

 

B decided he wanted to get married to me months before I made the same decision about him. One time, a jeweler asked if we were getting married, and he said, "It's a coin toss" because I hadn't decided yet. And the jeweler looked at him like he was the biggest tool ever. The assumption was that he was the one who wouldn't commit. That's always the assumption.

 

It's interesting how I was raised with as much "wedding crap" as any typical American girl, but how it didn't really affect me. I'm just me. And I'm different. Sometimes I hate it, but sometimes it's a great thing.

[Firiel]

I'm frustrated. I know this girl at school... I'll call her J. She is very thin, but she is a runner, and a good runner at that, so because I don't know her well and only see her every once in a while, I never thought anything of it. We work together, and I noticed some weird eating habits which made me wonder a bit about anorexia, but I barely know her and I realized I shouldn't jump to conclusions.

 

Fast-forward a bit. I mentioned "this ridiculously thin girl" to my fiance and told him I'd scrounge up a picture of her on facebook and send it to him. So I facebook stalked her, and was flipping through her pictures to find a good one, but I noticed that in earlier pictures, she was not nearly so thin. She looked normal. I kind of felt like I was in a tough position because I don't know J that well. I don't know her well enough to be approaching her about an eating disorder for sure. So I assumed that the cross country/track coach would be taking care of it if there was something to take care of, but I was still worried about the poor girl.

 

I know the captain of the girls' track team fairly well, and one day I was talking to her and thought of J... I mentioned it to her, showed her the facebook pictures... and basically left it in her hands. We were talking just yesterday, and apparently J is very anorexic. She was only 87 pounds, but has now gained some weight. The frustrating thing is that the track coach isn't doing anything. He's having J write down what she eats in order to makes sure she's eating enough. Counter-productive at the least. The poor girl is still working out for hours a day... he hasn't even cut out her morning workouts. She is still running very well, so I guess the coach assumes she "okay."

 

People on the track team only care about you as an athlete. It can be hard to find friendships where you are actually cared for as a person (not speculation... I was on the team for a few years). I feel bad for putting the captain in the difficult position of trying to befriend her in order to help her, but mostly I'm just glad that someone who can actually do something is now knowledgeable about the situation.

 

This poor girl should be getting counseling and working out her problems, not running miles a day. Gosh.

[Firiel]

This weekend I busted out a draft of my Chaucer paper. It's total crap. Completely and utterly worthless. And while it's nice to know that at least my first draft is done, it's stressful to know how much work I have left to do on it before Friday. I've been avoiding thinking about it all day today and once I finished yesterday. I hate how much of my life revolves around school. All I ever do is homework. When I'm not reading, I'm writing papers, and when I'm not reading or writing papers, I'm stressing about reading and writing papers. I had to go on a run after I got done at the library at 9:30 last night... just to clear my mind so I could have a good sleep. I'm just getting really frustrated with my class load. I don't know what possessed me to take all the classes I'm currently taking.

 

I hate my lower body. My upper body is thin, but still slightly defined. But once my waist ends and my hips begin... ugh. I don't know how to get rid of the nasty fat pockets right at the top of the insides of my legs. I know you can't spot reduce, and that I just have to "lose more fat overall," but I can't really afford to lose much more fat. I'm beginning to feel like I'd have to be anorexic to actually have decent looking legs. They're just big, too. I mean, not really big... but because I ran track so long, I've got quite a bit of muscle built up. So they're thick. I'm just frustrated. Regardless of how thin I am, I still have fatty hips and upper legs. And my quads have this disgusting little lump that juts out over my knee that just gives what would be nice lower quads a kind of gross look.

 

I don't always hate my body, but today I do. I hate hating my body. The fact that my university is full of a disproportionate number of thin, blond, beautiful girls doesn't help.

[Firiel]

Sometimes I like being different. Not today. Just for once, I wish there was someone that understood me. I wish I could have normal reactions to events. I wish I didn't feel trapped inside my own mind and body. I wish I could actually connect with the world around me.

 

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. But I think it's just who I am.

[Firiel]

I'm coming up on the two year anniversary of the day I met B. It's weird thinking back... it feels like it's been forever, but it feels like it's been no time at all. I know when we first met, he had a romanticized view of who I was. I know that view has now been shattered... in a harsher way than either of us would have liked. But most of all, I know he still truly loves me for me. He gets so confused by me sometimes and so frustrated at me sometimes, but he has never been harsh or cruel to me. He's been insensitive with me at times, as can be expected, but what I love about him is that he always tries to do what is best for our relationship. In just over two months, B will come up here for my graduation, and then we'll never have to be long distance again. That is a comforting thought. I wouldn't have made it through the last couple of years without him. He's been the only person I can talk to for awhile now (though, technically speaking, if he hadn't been around that whole fiasco with my parents wouldn't have happened... he was worth every second, though).

 

I'm tired. I managed to produce a second draft of my Chaucer paper today. Women and Lollardy and gendering and sexuality... yay for literary theory. The other day, one of my professors complimented me on a presentation I gave in class and told me I'd do well in grad school and that he'd be sad if I didn't end up going. It's hard, I think, to be a woman who wants a big family and to pursue the type of rigorous career implied in going to grad school. I do feel like I have to choose between the two, because I don't think that I can be a full-time mother and a full-time professor at the same time. And honestly, I don't think I have to be to "prove my worth" as a woman or anything. If I could do both, and do both well then maybe I would, but I don't see myself reaching my potential as a mother or as a professor if I try to do both. I know I'd regret missing out on a family if I didn't have one, so that is the obvious choice.

 

I feel like I can't talk to anyone at school about that kind of thing because it's not very "feminist" to choose between a career and a family. But I am an independent woman and I am a strong woman, and I feel that is a decision I kind of have to make. I'd like to talk it out with someone in academia, but I'd feel judged. And I can't really talk about it with B because I know it makes him feel like he's some sort of "sloppy seconds" to my career, even though that's the last thing I think. I want to be married to him and start a family with him more than anything, which is why I decided to do that instead of going to grad school.

 

I feel silly rambling on and on about my life. I feel very anti-woman actually confessing that I feel I have to choose between a family and a career. I feel like not knowing undermines my status as a human being somehow. I am confused about my future because I don't know what I want, and that makes me feel like a lousy fiance, a lousy woman, and a lousy student.

[Firiel]

I'm frustrated after a talk with my mom. Appparently, being "supportive of my engagement" includes being even more of a martyr than she always is. While I appreciate the cut-back on "You're ruining your life" speeches, the whole "I'm a sacrificial mother" deal is getting real old real fast.

 

My parents decided they wanted to pay for our wedding. Their budget is tight, and we both really appreciate their willingness to help. They said they can spare between $3,000 and $4,000. That was our budget anyway, so it works out well. However, I mentioned to them that if we do end up exceeding that, either B and I or B's parents would be willing to help cover the excess. My dad seemed cool with it, but my mom countered with, "I don't feel comfortable with that."

 

I just informed her of the amount of the down payment B's parents paid that she wanted to pay back. And then she asked how much the dress was. I explained to her (for the second or third time) that it was a gift from his grandparents and that I didn't feel comfortable with her paying that back because I thought it was offensive to try to pay for a gift. She said, "Well, you hadn't told me that. You should have mentioned it earlier." Seriously? It was not the first time we had had the exact same conversation. Geez, mom, maybe if you stopped huffing whipped cream cans and taking sleeping pills every night, you'd remember this type of conversation. Just because you don't remember it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

 

My dad has hurt me a lot the past couple of years, but I still respect him. He has been so good about admitting that he messed up. He has been so good about changing his actions to match his words. He is a great man, despite some pretty major flaws (which can be expected in anyone). My mom is petty. She is petty and thoughtless and selfish. I try not to think of her that way, but I do. I think she really only cares about feeling superior. As long as she was my mentor, she loved me. As long as I did what she wanted, she supported me. As long as I was not my own person, she trusted me. But as someone who thinks for herself, who makes decisions based upon her own happiness, and who lives independently, she views me as a failure. My sisters will always obey her wishes for their lives, and so she will continue to love them and respect them.

 

And I'm just the one that screwed everything up.

[Firiel]

Today I'm frustrated with sexism. But not men who are sexist against women, though I am frustrated with that at times as well. I get so frustrated when women are sexist, more so than when men are. I'm not sure why, but sexism towards men makes me more angry than when it is directed towards women. I think it's because when women are sexist, I see it as hypocritical. I've known plenty of women who champion equal rights and say that men shouldn't look down on women or say things that are even remotely sexist about women... and then they go and say a) things that devalue women or b) completely sexist comments directed towards men.

 

For example, a particular facebook status of a particular person was saying something about ignorant men who dare insult a woman's body. Well, regardless of the fact that I think the status is over the top, something else bothered me. A girl wrote in the comments something about likelihood that said man probably had a small man-part. And the status writer goes on to congratulate the girl for her comment.

 

One cannot complain about being made fun of for physical attributes and then go and do the exact same thing. That's more just being a hypocrite than being sexist, but I see women clamoring for equality on the one hand and then saying terrible things about "all men" on the other hand. Of course, many times men will make negative generalized comments about women which also annoys me...

 

...I almost feel like going on a tirade about feminism. I've said it all before, so it's kind of pointless, though. In short, I'm not a feminist. But that doesn't mean I am not pro-equality and very aware of my identity as a gendered being in the world... a lot of it is a matter of semantics. It'd take a long time to get into the whole deal, though.

[Firiel]

If B thinks I need to change so much, why is he with me? I'm needy because I like to talk on the phone most nights for a half an hour to an hour and a half... I'm suffocating because I don't have a "best friend" so I tell him about my problems... I know I'm not perfect... trust me, I know better than anyone else I'm not perfect, but when I do talk to other people, they make me feel normal... he makes me feels like a psychotic depressed psychopath. And I don't know who is right.

 

I feel like the only things he likes about me are my looks and my goofy sense of humor. That's not very substantive. He doesn't care about my intelligence... in fact, I'm pretty sure he discredits it because I'm nothing but an emotional woman. That bothers me. I know I'm emotional, and sometimes, like with every trait, it's too much. But I like having emotions. I like feeling. Just because it's not a characteristic of his doesn't mean it's a negative thing. I feel like he loves everybody else for who they are, accepting their flaws and seeing their strengths. But he just can't accept me, and he just can't love me for me. If there is so much wrong with me, then why did he propose to me?

 

For that matter, why can't anyone love me for who I am? Why are there always conditions? My family doesn't love me anymore... my fiance "loves" me, but probably would just like a different personality put inside of my body... what is so wrong with me that no one understands me and no one can accept me?

[Firiel]

I didn't talk to B today. I don't plan on talking to him today or tomorrow either... I'm really busy and I need time to think. I'm still trying to sort out all my emotions. I don't know what I'm allowed to talk to him about and what I'm not allowed to talk to him about.

 

I don't like to talk to other people about my problems in part because they don't make me feel like a psychopath. Other people think my reactions are, if a little over the top, mostly normal. They think I'm far too driven, but they don't think I'm incapable of living my life. He does. He thinks I'm unhappy all the time. I just wish he'd stop making things up about me. He thinks if I get frustrated once during the day, I'm full of angst and depression... my mood swings up and down some throughout the day. I think that is fairly normal. I can be frustrated and go off on a five minute discussion on how dumb a class is and then go right back to talking about other things. I don't hate my life. I'm sick of school, yes, and I'm ready to move on, but in general I like the things I do.

 

If we weren't engaged, there is a good chance I would have broken up with him yesterday. I felt really used... like he's with me only for superficial reasons and that he can't enjoy my personality the way he should. I annoy him a lot of the time. I am clingy. I am suffocating. But plenty of people don't find me to be annoying, suffocating, or insane. I have friends who really see me for me, and if I can find friends that think I'm good at being a person, why shouldn't I be able to find a SO that feels that way? I don't think he appreciates my being hard-working or being intelligent or being driven... and those are some of my best qualities. I never had a best friend before him, and he's kind of removing himself from that role in my life. He has a bad history of staying with women he doesn't really like because he's scared of being alone. I don't want to be the "I was scared of being alone" wife, because I know that life would be miserable.

 

I think I'm just getting sick of being with someone who thinks I'm insane. When the person you are closest to thinks you are completely off your rocker, it's really easy to start believing them. I told him that to get better I needed him to believe in me and stop making assumptions about what I'm feeling... it helped some, but it still hasn't stopped.

[Firiel]

B and I worked things out.

 

The whole issue came from a mix of things... he did not do a very good job of communicating what he meant to say, and I not only misunderstood what he said but exaggerated it in my mind. I needed the couple of days to sort out my emotions, but (unbeknownst to me) he was worried the whole time that I was going to break up with him. We've made it through so much and still love each other... there's no way something silly like this should break us up.

[Firiel]

Today... today was just amazing.

 

I heard we got our papers from Chaucer e-mailed back to us, with grades and comments. I was terrified to check mine, as this professor is considered to be the hardest grader in the English department by far. A group of us were checking our together, and they had done worse than they expected, so I didn't have high hopes. I checked my grade, and I got a 30/30! I've never gotten any higher than a B- on a first-go for a paper with this professor. He wrote that I really need to go to grad school at the bottom of my paper.

 

Even better (!), I got an e-mail from the English department saying they have decided to offer me a retroactive scholarship for the work I did at a local museum this January that amounts to almost $700! This will help B and me out so much. Because of a few irregular expenses, I was worried I wouldn't be able to make ends meet, but it looks like it will be easy now! That plus the $200 I'm getting to present my paper this weekend... gosh, things are looking really good.

 

And who knows? Maybe in a couple of years, I'll be ready to go to grad school.

[Firiel]

It's almost spring break. I've got classes today, then I fly to Chicago in the morning for a conference. I'm leaving Chicago on Sunday, then I'm done. It's a little bit sad that the thing I'm looking forward to most over break is the chance to do homework. I want to get a huge jump-start in my homework for the second half of the semester. I think either tonight or tomorrow on the plane, I'll make a master list of things I need to do.

 

Gosh, my life revolves around school. It's kind of sad. Someone mentioned to me that all I ever do is homework and talk to B. I had to inform said person that we really only talk on average 30-60 minutes a night which means that all I ever do is homework and more homework. I've been taking note of how long we talk lately, and if I was worried about being dependent, I'm not anymore. Last night, we talked about 15 minutes, and though I would obviously love to talk more, I was happy with that and was happy to see him go to sleep as opposed to talk to me all night long. I needed sleep too.

 

Oh! And invitations are done. I'll be sending them out today. It's surreal!

[Firiel]

What a weekend. I spent it running around Chicago, presenting my paper on cannibalism in Anglo-Saxon literature, and reading in my spare time. It was a lot of fun, but I'm glad to be back in the peace and quiet where I can work on my homework. I give myself a 7/10 on homework today. I did pretty well, but I'd like to do better tomorrow. It'll be easier because I'll be far less tired.

 

A boy my little sister graduated with killed himself last night... he had a really hard year-- surgery, developed an addiction to the pain pills, was unable to graduate... it's so sad. I've almost cried a couple times tonight just from hearing about it. I think it's because I've been there before... I've been engulfed in a darkness that I have convinced myself is my fault. I have fully believed that I have ruined my life, and that I will never be able to be happy again. And I'm here, and it's hard sometimes, but I am happy.

 

I didn't know him, but I'm still sad... just sad that anyone had to go through that. Virginia Woolf's suicide note has always been very powerful to me. It really seems to reflect the way I felt when I was doing so poorly. There wasn't really a reason... I was just so tired of dealing with it, and so tired of making others deal with it alongside me. No one should have to feel like this.

[Firiel]

I was able to see B last night. He didn't think his group was going to stop in our city, but they ended up stopping here for the night. He got home at midnight, I left his place at two, and then came back a little after six. It was so great just to be with him again. I finally was able to put into words how he make me feel... but it doesn't even close to do my feelings justice. I just feel like when he's around, life is real. When he's not around, I'm caught up in all the stupid little things of life. I place importance on all of these things that won't make any difference in the long run, but I get caught up in thinking that they will. But when he's around... I can just live and enjoy it. I laugh more freely, I'm able to be like a kid again, but not in an immature way... things just make more sense when I'm around him because everything is so much simpler.

 

He's gone again, but I get to see him next weekend, and then the weekend after that. And then five more weeks until we are together forever. I'll be graduated, we'll spend the summer with his parents, get married, and then move back here. I'll get a job, and then my grown-up life will finally have started!

[Firiel]

Gosh, I'm terrified. This is the kind of anxiety I still have that is not normal.

 

I'm taking my lifeguarding test today. My certification is coming to an end, and rather than retaking the course, I'm challenging it and just taking the tests. I've done all of the skills before. The tests are multiple choice, and the vast majority of the questions are common sense. I've never failed a Red Cross paper test in my life. One of my bosses from the summer is testing my skills... he always told me what a great lifeguard I was, so even if I screw up randomly on a skill, he's likely to give me a second chance or be lenient. By all means, I should feel like I have this in the bag. But I'm terrified. I feel like crying and throwing up. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything all day because of nerves.

 

I just feel like everything rides on this. The challenge test was $90. That's a lot of money. And if I don't pass it, I have to sign up for a class that is $220. Yikes. If I don't pass, I will spend over $300 recertifying. Not only that, but the class would be three full weekends-- Saturday 9:00 to 5:00 and Sunday 1:00 to 5:00. I can't afford to not do homework during that time.

 

In three years, it won't matter how I did on this stupid test, but I still can't stop worrying about it. It feels like such a BIG DEAL. It's times like this I wish B was here. He gets frustrated with my anxiety at times, and I know he doesn't understand it (how can I expect him to if I don't even understand?), but he's always willing to hug me and tell me it will be okay.

 

Gosh, I managed to get a job when I hadn't practiced these skills for probably three years. And I was able to go to the pool just a few days ago to run through them again. And I know the tests are easy... and I'll get a second chance if I fail the first one. And I read through the whole lifeguarding book.

 

But I can't shake the anxiety, and then I get scared that the anxiety will cause me to fail which just produces more anxiety, and then I worry because I haven't done as much homework this break as I wanted to, and I can't concentrate because of this stupid test... it'll be all over tonight. If I can't lifeguard this summer, though, I have no idea what I'll do for money...

 

...I just need to stop... relax... breathe... pray...

[Firiel]

I passed my test. I was worrying over nothing. Tomorrow, I'm going to call a couple of aquatic centers about summer jobs. Phew.

 

I'm exhausted. Just finished watching an episode of Castle online... now it's time for bed. I'm really going to buckle down on schoolwork tomorrow.

[Firiel]

It's hard when B is traveling. It's hard enough to be long-distance, especially now as that is coming to a close, but not being able to have good talks with him because of traveling (or work or school) makes it even harder. I am so impressed by all he does. He travels almost every weekend with his band which pays for his tuition, goes to school full time while maintaining a good GPA, and works 10-15 hours a week on top of all that. And he manages to do all of that while not making his SO feel neglected (because despite this post, I don't feel neglected... I miss him, but he does an amazing job at letting me know how important I am).

 

Next year, he will probably be in this band again. And in a way, I'm thrilled. He loves it. Music is his passion, and getting to minister through music gives him so much joy. He loves the guys in the band, too. They are great, supportive friends that add a lot to his life. It pays for his tuition, and that will be huge when we first get married and will undoubtedly be struggling with money. But I will miss having the weekends to relax with my new husband. I'll miss having him there when I come home on Friday evenings. I'm not very social, and though I will try to develop a social life, I know I will spend a lot of weekends feeling a bit lonely. We've talked about it. I've told him that if he gets the opportunity to do this again, he should (and I mean it), but that I did want to make sure we discussed expectations so as to avoid any potential loneliness and resentment on my part. We talked about work, and I said it would be nice if he could cut down on his hours a bit (though they are already much lower than they were last year when he worked full time). He didn't seem to keen on the idea, even when I pointed out that now he is only free maybe one night a week and for maybe an hour or two on the evenings he's busy...

 

I just want to make sure I'm able to enjoy my marriage. I want to have time to relax with him, and go for walks with him, and play sports with him. I'm a bit scared that our relationship will turn into a long-distance relationship where we both live in the same house. But despite all of my fears, I trust him to listen to me. I trust him to put me above everything else, if not at first, then when I bring it up as a concern. And it's nice to have that kind of trust.

[Firiel]

It is so easy to forgive people and move on when they apologize. It is so hard to forgive someone when they are still hurting you. That's what I'm facing right now. I've started to be able to give up some of the false guilt I have about my fallout with my family. I know it is not my fault. I know I did nothing wrong. My parents have apologized, and I have forgiven them and am in the process of patching things up with them. Progress is slow at times, but it is happening.

 

But my sister has not apologized. She still refuses to be in my wedding, still judges me for my decisions (which do not affect her), and still believes that I have somehow wronged her by being in a relationship with my fiance. And it's so hard to forgive her. She has a double-standard. She says that we should fix our relationship, or that I should fix our relationship anyway, but she won't even support her own sister by taking part in a wedding. I told my fiance that I was struggling with anger towards her, and he said, "Well, yeah, that's understandable. She's kind of been a jerk."

 

I know I shouldn't be angry with her. But I also know I can't shove my feelings aside and just pretend they don't exist. That's not dealing with anything at all. I feel better after this weekend. I prayed about it a lot, and I know that recognizing this problem is a really important step to fixing it. I'm on my way, but forgiveness is a hard path to walk, especially without help from the other person.

 

I will admit I felt a little smug when I saw she had put on the freshman 15.

[Firiel]

I hate myself. I hate how messed up I am. I hate what a bad person I am. I hate the way I react to things. I hate being impetuous. I hate being indecisive. I hate being controlled by my emotions. I hate everything about myself. I am f'ing worthless.

[Firiel]

^That's the kind of thing that annoys me about myself. That I can feel that way. Ugh.

 

I just put together my submissions for my school's literary journal. I made it in last year, and it'd be really cool to make it in again this year. Also, I'm exhausted. I did so much stuff today. I was on campus from 10AM to 10PM. But I got a lot done, so I feel very accomplished at the least. It's only been three days since spring break, and I'm already feeling massively overwhelmed. I'm taking the stupidest class ever this semester, and it's so hard to care about something so worthless. I only care about my grade. I'm basically aiming for an A-.

 

I wish I had something more to say today. I kind of feel like writing, but I'm so mentally trashed, I can pretty much tell it's not going to work out. No school on Friday, and B will be here that evening. That's what's keeping me going.