Climbing back up.

[Firiel]

Life-1 Me-0

 

B has decided to do this thing where he buys cars off of craigslist and then sells them for a profit. Well, I gave him the go-ahead to give it a try, and it seems that it's come back and bitten us in the butt. He bought one car and traded his car for another. One is going to be more costly than expected to fix and the one he was using as his commuter car broke down yesterday. So we have two broken cars, one working one (mine), and a very limited amount of money because we spent money to buy the cars. I'm very worried, but I know that there is nothing I can do about it right now. Complaining about it and expressing my worries will only make B feel inadequate and stressed. I can tell he's worried about it too. In a couple of days we'll have to talk about how we're going to make it through with our current funds, but things need to settle down. So I've just been stressing in silence. I'm scared about not having enough money. I'm scared about going further and further into debt.

 

Mostly, I'm frustrated and angry at myself. None of this would even be an issue if I was actually able to get a legitimate job. Four years studying and learning and working my butt off, and I'm working as a janitor. I know that times are tough for everyone, and I am thankful that I have a job at all, but... it's still frustrating. I'm lucky I loved what I studied or I'd be certain that I wasted my life. I just wish professors had been a little more honest with me and told me I'd be a janitor after graduation because I'd be completely unemployable instead of feeding me the BS about "learning how to learn" and "being versatile."

[LivingToday]

Sorry to be posting so much on your journal as of late, it just hit home. I have a student (in our church youth group) who is a senior and wants to become a music major. I was talking to her and not trying to discourage her but was hinting what she was going to do with that degree and she wasn't sure. It's tough, I had a friend years back that graduated with a music degree and never had a chance to use it. Same with another friend who received an art degree and never used it. Seems like the only option is to become a teacher. Anyways, in regards to the student I do think she wants to 'learn how to learn' because she'll probably become a housewife.

 

Not sure where you could use your degree, have you considered teaching btw?

 

(Oh, and hope it all works out with the car buying stuff)

[Firiel]

Luckily the car that broke down just needed a battery. So that's not a worry anymore, thank goodness!

 

I'm torn on the issue of why people should to college. On the one hand, I get sick and tired of people like my family throwing their educational experience under the bus and "getting a grade" instead of learning. And that's the risk of going to college for a job rather than to do what you love. But I also can't deny that it seems like a waste to pay the exceptional costs of college for something you can never use. I really think college students need a little foresight, but it's hard for people between the ages of 18 and 22 to know what they want to do. We're still scared, uncertain pseudo-adults at that point.

 

I could never in good conscience advise a music major to study business "just to make money." But there are certainly ways to make degrees more valuable. My friend is doing music education. I've got an art major friend focusing on graphic design. I considered switching to English education during my sophomore or junior year, but it would have been very hard to get all the classes in. What made my decision, though, was a conscious choice not to limit my study of literature (which I love) with a study of teaching (which I wasn't sure I wanted to do). I don't regret it, per se, but I do wish I could have had both.

 

During my last year of college, I did come up with some sort of desirable career path. I'd like to either teach (community college level, or go back and get my teaching certificate) or get involved in the editing/publishing business. What's truly limiting me right now is geography. The place where I'm currently living is not a good economy for humanities-type stuff. I'm hoping once B and I move in a couple of years (he's still finishing up school) that the broadened job-search area will open up some more options.

 

But, yeah, it doesn't really make it any less frustrating now.

[Firiel]

I had a wonderful birthday today. I played an intramural basketball game around noon, and I have a bruised elbow and purple lip to show for it... it was fun to play tough and aggressive. Most of the girls don't have much experience playing basketball, so I was kind of glad the girl I was guarding was fouling me all the time-- it made me feel okay about playing super tough on her. Before dinner, B and I watched Rocky IV. We've been going through the whole Rocky series, so that was fun. Then we went out to dinner together. I got all dressed up fancy which I don't do often. It was just low-key and fun.

 

I finished The Three Musketeers at work on Friday... and I must say that it's got one of the best villains ever in it. She's so stinking awesome! She's one of those villains you're actually a little sad to see fail just because she is so BA. Can't wait to start my next book-- I think I'm going to tackle The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde next. I'm not entirely sticking to my rule of listening to books by authors I should have read but somehow haven't because I've read The Importance of Being Earnest. But I want to listen to it, so I will! I'm also going to download the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. There's a lot of stand-alone short stories, so I can listen to them in between books or if I finish a book partway through the night and don't want to start a new one yet.

[Firiel]

Ugh... I need to start eating better. I weighed myself today, and I'm up to 140 pounds. That's about eight pounds heavier than I want to be. I think some of the weight is muscle (as my husband and I have been lifting pretty intensely 2-4 times a week), but I'm pretty sure not all of it is. It's Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, and New Year all in a row which is super tough to handle. We're going to have to be super careful when we visit his parents for a week. We were just there for a weekend and had almost nothing healthy the entire time. We're planning on going shopping for fruits/veggies at the beginning of the week and at least working out somewhat while we're there. Being healthy is frustrating.

[Firiel]

I really want to cut right now. It's not something I've ever actually done, but I've been tempted periodically over the past few years.

 

I'm posting about it instead of doing it. I just hate myself so much right now that I feel like I deserve to be physically punished... that maybe if I physically punish myself, I won't feel the need to beat myself up emotionally and psychologically like I'm doing right now. I feel like it'd just hurt less.

 

I won't do it, though. I won't.

[Firiel]

I haven't updated in awhile.

 

First, some of my friends at my alma mater are doing their own novel writing month based on NaNoWriMo. I'm thinking of participating. I've been having some ideas for a fantasy novel whirling around in my head for awhile now. Something I thought of probably three years ago is kind of coming into fruition in my mind. I've got pretty decent character sketches in my head, but I've got one character that NEEDS to exist, and I just can't get anything on her. I've always kind of stunk at writing female characters.

 

I'm starting to feel like it's possible to finish my grad school application which is nice. I've got three more things to do. One I will finish today (as it's pretty easy, I just haven't done it yet), one is half done already, and one is my writing sample which I am not looking forward to. But it's not due for three weeks yet, so I think I'm golden.

 

I'm going to listen to the Red Badge of Courage tonight at work. I focused much more on British lit than on American during college, so it will be good to get some classic American writing listened to.

[Firiel]

I was randomly looking at job openings at publishing houses, and I saw one that I actually qualify for. I feel like I would have a chance to get this job if I applied for it. And it looks like a lot of fun. It's in the academic sector of publishing.

 

I don't care that it's accross the country.

I don't care that I can't take it without leaving my husband going to school alone.

I don't care that I probably wouldn't get an interview if I applied.

 

There are jobs for which I am reasonably qualified in a field in which I'd like to work. They exist. Maybe I can't get involved right now, but the jobs exist. That's enough to give me enough hope to keep doing what I'm doing for a little bit longer.

[Firiel]

I was feeling down about my job situation yesterday. It's because I can't find a decent, full-time job that my poor student husband has to work two jobs, one of which he hates... since he got his new boss 90% of the people hired or working there quit within a couple of weeks. And it's my inability to succeed that's keeping him there. So anyway, I was feeling very bad about when I went to my janitor job in the evening. I was listening to Jude the Obscure. I didn't know anything about it except that I liked the author and that it was considered super risque for the 1800s. Well, turns out it's about an intelligent kid who wants nothing more than to be a scholar. He self-teaches himself Greek and Latin and reads all the classics... but it's not enough and he has, thus far, been relegated to a manual labor job for the entirety of the book.

 

Sigh... maybe it's a sign. I applied for a job that I'd love to have a few days ago, but I seriously doubt I'll hear back. I have a sneaking suspicion (for no real reason other than just a feeling) that there was something a little fishy about the job posting. It's now been removed off craigslist, so I can only imagine they found someone and removed the posting themselves or it was a scam and it was removed for them. Either way, I'm out of luck again.

 

...

[Firiel]

I'm trying to decide when I should start looking for another job. I want to start now. My husband hates one of his jobs, and in order for him to be able to quit, I need to make almost 50% more than what I make now. But I told my boss that I'd stay at one of my current jobs for six months, and it's been four and a half, though it will likely take me AT LEAST a month to find a job... so I'm just not sure when I should start really looking again.

 

Before, I was looking for anything that made any money. Now I'm looking for a good job. It's frustrating because I know I can do well at a professional job, and I know I'm qualified. It's just a matter of proving to someone else that I'm qualified. My plan is to go to different buisinesses where I think I could work, tell them I want a job, and hand them my resume. This will, of course, be paired with looking at craigslist (which is almost worthless, it seems) and Monster (which has proved even more worthless).

 

Places I'm planning on going:

 

A few local newspapers

A local publishing company

Some local libraries (as I'm not sure if ALL library jobs require a masters degree)

 

Those are about the only ideas I have. I could also apply at some local bookstores, but that would simply be doing something I don't want to do (sales and such) at a place that would make me okay with the job. It's so frustrating. I want to go into the publishing industry, but I feel like the door is just plain shut on me. I keep running into dead-ends. I hate it.

[Firiel]

B and I are doing a weight-loss challenge at our gym... the prize is a five day vacation to somewhere-or-other. I forget where, but it was cool. Hopefully this will motivate us to workout and be more healthy. We've both been slipping. He's still got about 40 lbs. to lose, so this challenge will be good for him (and me too, as I have crept back up about five pounds).

 

Depression is a nasty pit. I pin my current episode of depression (although it's hard to pinpoint definite "episodes" as it's been more or less constant for nearly two and a half years now) on the lack of a good job and the lack of a real social circle in my current city. But I just feel so lifeless that it takes all the energy I have to go to work. I get done with that, and all I want to do is just curl up and stop existing for a few hours which makes it very hard to motivate myself to do other things that would improve my life circumstances. I always feel more depressed when I am tired, but depression is really messing up my sleep cycle. And it's not just staying up late or something like that which is somewhat controllable. I toss and turn all night and spend most of the early mornings awake and just lying in bed because I can't fall asleep again.

 

I just wonder when all of this is going to end. I did so well my first two years of college. I guess I thought I had finally conquered the beast. And then, in a single instant, all of my hard work was gone and I haven't been the same since.

 

The most frustrating thing is that the incorrect (at the time) assumption that brought all this on (by my family that I was an immature, overly-emotional, insane, sinful, terrible person) is now coming true. I'm becoming that. Mature people can escape what their families think of them. People who can control their emotions don't get depressed. I don't treat my husband the way I should because I let my emotions rule over me. I wonder if they'd be happy if they knew they were right all along... that all I needed was for someone to point it out, and I'd start to fulfill what I really am.

[Firiel]

B and I don't get to see each other much during the week. We are both quite busy, and our schedules don't work that well with each other. So a week or two ago, I was at work and thinking about how much I missed him because I hadn't seen much of him the past couple of days. I kind of chided myself for being a needy because, really, it had only been a couple of days. When I got home that night, he said to me, "Have you been missing me as much as I've been missing you lately?" It made my day. I love, love, LOVE being best friends with him.

 

 

On another note completely, I've noticed something odd about my dreams. In a lot of my dreams, I have the feeling, both while in the dream and upon waking, that I've been there before. In my dream, it manifests itself as memories about the place where I am or the people with whom I'm interacting. When I wake up, I feel like I've just had a recurring dream... but the thing is, I can't specifically place a time when I've had the dream before, and I don't recall many times I've re-dreamed the dream after remembering it upon waking up. It's weird. I don't know if this sense of repetition is imagined or not. It definitely gives my dreams a lot of depth and reality that they wouldn't otherwise have, though, so I'm not complaining about it.

[Firiel]

I ate too much yesterday. I was really good the whole day until I got home from work at night. Then I ate banana sushi (banana rolled up in a small tortilla spread lightly with peanut butter), a bowl of cereal, and popcorn. It was probably about 500 calories all together... and when you're aiming at 1200 calories a day, that's a pretty big fail. I was just so hungry all day, and it got to me at the end of the day when I wasn't even all that hungry anymore.

 

I woke up this morning and almost started crying-- not for any particular reason... just because it meant I had to go through another day. I kind of panicked upon waking up to my alarm. I groaned pretty loudly and said, "No! No..." I woke my poor husband up, and he asked what was wrong. All I could say was, "Just life..." Gosh, I had been doing a little bit better, but I just can't get back into the swing of things after vacation. I started crying in the car the other day because I realized it was never going to get better. Things are never going to get any better.

 

I want to read Brandon Sanderson's new book... the first book in his first real epic fantasy series. The last time I read a book by him, I was SO much better for the three days I read the book and for a couple of weeks after. But I don't want to read it because it's the last epic fantasy book of his that's out right now... and if I read it, I'll have absolutely nothing to use as a fail-safe.

 

*sigh* Am I 80 and dying yet?

[sherryberrypie]

Hun! Things ARE going to get better. Do you take anything for your depression? What did you take in school? Have you taken publishing courses? If not, is there any way you can take a course or two even now? You seem to thrive on learning, and I think that being out of school and working a mundane job is doing a double-whammy on you. Does your husband have friends from his jobs? Anyone you can meet? I know it's hard to make friends as an adult especially when you're not in school, but for your sanity, you need to get out and have some fun. It doesn't matter how crappy your job is, if you're doing hobbies and spending time with friends, life is fun. Work is about making money, that's it. No career or job is going to mean instant happiness, just remember that. I think you're starting to create a self-fulfilling prophecy and I know you're stronger than that.

[Firiel]

I don't take anything for my depression... I'm scared of ending up like my mom who kind of ended up medicating herself away... I've thought about it at times, but I always end up deciding I'm okay without it.

 

I was an English major in college (sadly, no publishing courses... there were a few opportunities, but I didn't know that's what I wanted to do yet), so it's a good degree for me because I want to be an editor eventually. And yeah, I loved it... learning and thinking and hypothesizing about cause and effect or cultural theory or whatever are pretty much my favorite things to do. I can't take any courses now, but I applied for a teaching assistantship/masters program at the state college nearby for next year... but that seems so far away, and there's no way of knowing if I'll even be accepted. And if that doesn't turn out, B and I can move away as soon as May next year when he finishes school, but again... it feels like forever away.

 

He's got friends, and I really like his friends so that does help. And I have a really good friend in the area (lives about 30 minutes away) so we see each other fairly often.

 

Plus, I get to listen to audiobooks while I work... can't be all that bad, right?

 

Thanks for helping me think about my life and realize that's it's pretty okay.

[sherryberrypie]

Yay! I'm happy to see that I got you out of the puddle a little bit It sounds like you would LOVE the global studies course I'm taking. It's a real mix of philosophy, ethics, economics (lil bit) and geography.

[Firiel]

That sounds like a fascinating course! I totally would have considered being a philosophy/English double major if I had taken my first philosophy class before my junior year... what I love about philosophy is that it touches every discipline. I mean, you read Kant (ethics), Marx (economics), Plato (politics), Derrida (language)... everything is covered.

 

Anyway, it's time for me to eat my own words a little... I just got an facebook message from my uncle who is finishing up a non-fiction self-help-ish book about crisis. He asked me to look it over and give him some editor-type advice for organization/chapter headings/stuff like that. I told him I'm super interested in doing that. Of course, I'm not planning on getting paid for this at all, but it's something that will look great on a resume, and hopefully give me a one-up on some of the people who will be applying for the same jobs I am applying for...

[sherryberrypie]

I always love how you go from class to class, and something always overlaps from the previous class. It's so fascinating.

 

That's great news!

[Firiel]

B and I have been working out pretty hard-core three times a week doing interval training. I also run 25 minutes in the morning six days a week, and this Saturday, the intramural basketball season begins, so we'll be playing ball every Saturday for awhile. I love that we're working out together. He looks great right now, but I'm really hoping (for the sake of his health and self-image) that he is able to lose at least another 20 pounds or so. Last time he lost weight, he plateaued near his current weight and then slowly gained it all back. I don't want that to happen. He's so happy and healthy now... he's in less pain, he has more energy, his stomach problems don't bother him as much... I really think that together we can build a healthy lifestyle and eventually pass it on to our kids. I get frustrated, though, because I can't make him dinner every night... because my cooking is currently limited to a very few number of dishes... because I feel like I'm not doing my job of helping him stay healthy well enough.

 

Ah well.

[Firiel]

I'm down four pounds in a week and a half! Woo! Of course, the time I weighed myself kind of inflated that number, but whatever. It still counts for the contest. The last day is going to be February 14th. B and I are going to go in and get weighed in the morning and then probably go out to a super fatty, unhealthy restaurant for Valentine's Day.

 

Speaking of Valentine's Day, this will be the first one that B and I actually get to celebrate with each other. Because we were long distance and going to school, our visits were more convenience based than special occasion oriented. By a stroke of luck he was in my city with his band (school-sponsered group) over Valentine's Day last year, but we didn't get to celebrate it as he didn't have much freedom that weekend. I'm really excited, actually. I know Valentine's Day is commercialized and silly, but I'm going to enjoy it anyway. I've spent enough years saying (and meaning), "Meh, it's only Valentine's Day." Now I'm going to actually go with it.

 

I'm eating air-popped popcorn right now because it has almost no calories. A whole bowl is less than 100 calories. And I like it, even if it is a little tasteless without butter and salt.

[Firiel]

Well, eff. I didn't get the job I wanted. I feel like it's just impossible for me to get a job that pays enough. I'm going to be working as a janitor forever. Screw college. It was a waste of time. At least if I'd become a janitor or lifeguard or something right out of high school, I'd be in a low-level management position by now.

 

Having a passion screws you over. Believing in yourself screws you over. Wanting to be informed and intelligent screws you over. It's better to just live like everyone else than try to do something different that you care about. I give up. It's not worth fighting for something that doesn't even exist.

[Firiel]

I am getting so frustrated with all of the "every woman is shallow" posts that have been on this forum lately. I guess this is the logic:

 

I don't have a girlfriend.

I am flawless in every way except for looks and wealth.

 

Therefore, women must only care about looks and wealth.

 

 

No one seems to realize that for a lot of women (and men, probably!) attraction isn't a hit-or-miss thing. Personally, my level of attracted-ness changes as I get to know the person... and this is for non-sexual attraction as well as sexual. My reaction to meeting most guys for the first time is usually mild. I don't tend to find someone super hot right off the bat. But if that guy is funny and kind, I start to find them more attractive.

 

For instance, one of my good guy friends (we are completely incompatible romantically) kind of looked like a creepy garden gnome to me when we first met. Okay, part of that was his fault. He's learned to dress better over the years. But as I got to know him, he began to seem just as attractive as other guy friends that I had. Or I've had girl friends who I suddenly realize are absolutely gorgeous after knowing them for awhile because I've begun to see their inner beauty channeled through them. Even my husband... I didn't start to find him attractive until I saw his sense of humor, his passion for life, and his kindness to everyone.

 

On the other hand, I went to school with a guy who is just a total jerk. While I look at him and can tell that objectively, his facial features are attractive, I just can't see anything other than a disgusting, unattractive slimeball when I look at him.

 

 

These "shallow woman posts" are just so close-minded... for instance:

 

A: All women are shallow!

 

B: But what about *names contrary examples from personal experience*

 

A: Nope, I don't have a girlfriend, so ALL women are shallow.

 

I'm getting sick of people judging me based on a small group of men's reaction to the response of a small group of women. I've never really felt discriminated against because of my sex... I'm very lucky in that regard. It's funny that the place I've felt most judged for being a woman is on a forum that is supposed to be about inclusivity, non-judgement, and kind-hearted help. But then, it is just an online forum. Nothing worth getting my dander up about, but I did want to vent a little.

[Firiel]

B has been building a friendship with a girl from work. I've met her and everything, and she seems like a very nice girl. I'm not jealous in the typical sense. I am absolutely unafraid of him developing feelings for her, and I'm confident that if for some reason he does begin to crush on her, he would withdraw himself from the situation. No worries on that front.

 

He's basically just trying to be there for her. She's had a rough life and needs someone to talk to. He's really good with people, and people naturally open up to him. He was saying that she got a little mad at him because he pressed her too hard to talk about something. And it was just a little sad to me because here he is trying to get someone to open up to him about pain and emotions when I spend my life trying to keep myself from talking to him about the pain and emotion I struggle with. I know why it is. It's because her problems make sense. She's dealt with abandonment and the addictions of family members. My only problem is baseless anxiety. It's not real... it's just something that I should get over.

 

Blah. Life would be so much easier if I wasn't crazy.

[Firiel]

One of my biggest problems in life has been that "I have no one to talk to." In the strictest sense, however, this just isn't true. I know I have plenty of friends who would be willing to listen to me. The problem is that I am self-aware enough to know that it wouldn't help anything. I could vent about how lazy and fat I am because I didn't go to the gym last night... but I know that, objectively, I am NOT lazy and fat. At all. I could cry to friends about how I will never get a job... about how frustrated I am that I wasted four years of my life because I chose to believe that passion for a subject was a noble thing, but they won't be able to give me any advice that I don't already know. I could tell someone how I feel broken inside... defective, worthless, and dying. But they'll just tell me I'm amazing, that God doesn't make mistakes, all those lines I've heard thousands of times. I could ask someone why everything has fallen apart, and they'll just say they don't know... that this kind of thing happens... and they'll think to themselves how weak I am for buckling under as little pressure as I'm facing.

 

So it's not that I have no one to talk to. It's that I recognize the idiocy of my feelings. I realize they are pointless and circular. I realize they are foolish, so there is no point in bothering anyone about them. But for some reason, knowing they are silly or unsolvable doesn't make me feel any better when I'm trying to pull myself together before heading off to work every day.

[SWEET_J]

Just reading along Firiel...sometimes is just nice to know someone 'listens'..