Climbing back up.

[rocio]

I caught my foot on a rise in the sidewalk and completely biffed it. It was ridiculous.

 

Oh, that sucks!

 

10k isn't a short distance to run. I'm sure he could do it with some training though.

[Firiel]

10k isn't a short distance to run. I'm sure he could do it with some training though.

 

It's funny because even though I know it's not a short distance when I think about it, my brain automatically registers it as a fairly short distance just because of my background. My dad and brother-in-law run marathons, so they're always talking about the 5-15 mile runs they go on regularly, and I ran track in college, so I'm used to teammates talking about ten mile runs and the like. I've never run as much as the rest of my family, but it's always come easily to me. I just forget that some people don't run regularly. I know he's in shape, so my automatic assumption is that it'll be easy for him to train.

 

I'm sure he could do it cardiovascularly and muscularly, but he does have back issues and knee problems from an old football injury, so I would worry about doing so much high impact work.

[Firiel]

Seriously considering doing roller derby. When we got Whip It to watch, B said the only thing he was worried about was that I'd want to do roller derby after watching it. He knows me too well. It turns out that my city actually has a roller derby league... first practice is free!

[sherryberrypie]

My city has two leagues now. It's getting to be fairly big. Did you like Whip It? I found I really enjoyed it.

[Firiel]

Yeah, I really enjoyed it! I figured I'd like it, but I was pleasant surprised by how good it was.

[Firiel]

I've burned 1,000 calories today working out!

 

This morning, I woke up and burned around 250 calories going for my run (probably a little more, honestly). Then on a work break, I went to the gym and did just 20 hard minutes on the elliptical and burned 260 calories. Then B asked if I wanted to play basketball, so I played half-court ball with him and his friends for an hour, which I just found out burned 500 calories. Wow... looks like I need to eat something, but surprisingly, I don't have much of an appetite right now. We played out in the sun, and I'm not used to it. All I want to do is siiiiiiiiit and never move again.

 

B is doing HCG again, so I've got to cut up and weigh his meat today. Ugh, I'm glad he's doing this because it's good for him, but I am NOT looking forward to weighing and measuring and cooking to precise qualifications again.

[petite]

Firiel, have you tried doing a week or two in advance say weigh/measure it all so you don't have to do it every day. Perhaps you're doing this already, thought I'd just mention it.

[Firiel]

Firiel, have you tried doing a week or two in advance say weigh/measure it all so you don't have to do it every day. Perhaps you're doing this already, thought I'd just mention it.

 

Yeah, that's what I typically do. It wasn't as bad as I remember it being, really. It only took me 30-45 minutes to cut up meat for almost a week, so it wasn't even a big deal. I asked him if he cared about having creative meals or if he'd rather just have his meat and vegetables. He chose the latter, so that will make it a lot easier to cook. I guess that will just make it easier to plan ahead because the meals will be a little simpler.

[Firiel]

I just want to do something that isn't for "our future." When we were dating long distance, it was for "our future." When we worked a ton last summer it was for "our future." His being busy almost every day AND evening and my stint of working evenings? For "our future." Grad school? You guessed it... for "our future." Moving immediately after I graduate for school for both of us? "Our future." And what is "our future"? Committing 10-20 years solely to helping others overseas... and spending any time off back here with family.

 

I feel selfish today. I just want to spend a weekend with B in a hotel... getting room service, going to dollar movies, eating ice cream, whatever. I have loads of free time now, but I feel guilty for it, and it sucks because B's not around so I just read, watch TV or surf the web.

 

I just want time to be young and irresponsible. Is that too much to ask? I'm probably the only person in the world who, if given the chance to do her undergrad again, would focus MORE on being social and LESS on learning.

[sherryberrypie]

Not the only person. My sister did the same thing.

 

what is this "future" that is so important? What are the elements of it, additional goals, etc...?

[Firiel]

what is this "future" that is so important? What are the elements of it, additional goals, etc...?

 

It's a vague concept. Of course, it eventually included having kids and raising a family, but what I was really looking forward to were those years between "end of sacrifices" and "beginning of family." So, after B graduated and we spent a few years comfortably saving up money and getting prepared (emotionally, financially, spiritually, mentally) to settle down and start a family. I guess I was expecting those years to be "our years" where we could enjoy being with each other, treat ourselves a little, maybe even have a weekend or two away once in awhile.

 

It was supposed to sort of start this year. I was supposed to get a real job so he didn't have to work so we could have most of our evenings free to do what we wanted/needed to do. Of course, that didn't work out because I am unemployable. And for the next two years now, I'll be making diddly-squat as a TA (not that it's not a great deal still...) and B will have to work two or three jobs to help make ends meet. Then it's moving accross the country for more school, fund-raising, etc. to prepare for being missionaries. Then it's overseas for 10-20 years, and eventually back to the States where we'll both work and have a house full of teenagers.

 

I guess I'm just realizing that "time for us" is never going to happen. My parents have all the time in the world for each other, but they really don't like each other so they spend all of their free time apart. Life's a joker sometimes.

[sherryberrypie]

Okay i understand now. We too hope for that "alone married time" time to travel, be selfish, save up for kidlets

 

Are you having second thoughts about becoming a missionary?

[Firiel]

Not seriously. I know it's what we want to do. I know it's the right thing to do. Even if it weren't for B, I would have made the same decision. I mean, for the past couple of years, I've been seeking and praying for a way to use what I love to do (literature, reading, teaching, etc.) for a more ministry-driven purpose. So when the missionary we met mentioned the idea of a literacy worker, I knew that the position was what I had been looking for. But, of course, it'll have sacrifices, most of which I'm totally okay with. I've wanted to live outside the States. I've thought about going overseas to teach. I've always wanted an adventure. And all of that, plus the fact that I know I would be truly fulfilled doing this, makes up for the sacrifices we'd have to make.

 

But I really, REALLY just want some time with B to relax and enjoy life. That's the ONE thing that I don't want to give up. But who knows... we may find it within the next couple of years. Things could be easier than I expect when I'm in grad school or when we're in our training.

[sherryberrypie]

How does that quote go...life is what happens while you're busy making other plans?? Pretty sure that's true for both of us.

 

I keep waiting for the puzzle pieces to slip into place, however. If we were married, if we had x amount of money, if I could travel a bit, THEN I'd be content. I am generally content, but it's easy to wonder when you get to be carefree, and if it's worth it to be carefree before having babies.. meaning you'd have to revert back to responsibility mode

[Firiel]

My new favorite thing:

 

2/3 cup of milk (60 calories)

1/2 cup of flavored yogurt (100 calories)

3/4 cup of frozen cherries (80 calories)

3/4 cup of frozen peaches (50 calories)

 

Blend them together and it's the best smoothie EVER. Less than 300 calories and there's so much of it! I feel like I should feel guilty for eating that large of a smoothie. So good and so sweet, but almost all of the sugar is natural (the unnatural being the added sugar in the yogurt). Fiber and vitamins from the fruit, calcium and protein from the dairy... can it get any better? I remember a health food nut friend of mine let me try his breakfast shake (plain yogurt, milk, flax seed, spinach, and a handful of blueberries). It was nasty... just not good at all. I'll take my slightly-less-healthy-but-still-good-for-you version over his any day. Mine is to die for.

[Firiel]

I'm worried that I'm over obsessing about food. I'm still thinking about the two (small) pieces of cake I had at a graduation I went to yesterday even though by most calculations, I need to eat over 2,000 calories a day just to strike even with how many I burn. It's 1:30, and so far today I've had a banana, an apple, two string cheeses, and a rice cake with peanut butter and jelly. Oh, and a few pretzels. But honestly, nothing really sounds good. I want a smoothie, but I don't want to wash the blender... I could have cereal, but I'm sick of it... I should probably have some vegetables, but yuck... I could have a corn dog, but I'd have to brave the filled-to-the-brim freezer...

 

I need a personal chef who will make delicious, healthy meals for me and bring them to me on the couch. Maybe I'm not obsessing about food at all... maybe I'm just lazy.

[sherryberrypie]

I'm not even going to THINK about what I ate yesterday. Definitely an off day.

[Firiel]

I've been looking back and reading some of the poetry I've written over the past few years, for classes and otherwise. I'm not a great poet. I'm mediocre at best, really, but a lot of the poems I have written are highly emotional to me, so I really like them even if I know that (objectively) they aren't that great. Most (all?) of them are so depressing, because that's when my emotions become to much to handle and I have to get it out somehow. I suppose some day I'll show the stuff I've written to my kids, and they'll get to know me a little better through it.

 

I feel like one of my main problems with writing stuff that is actually good is (weirdly enough) that I tend to just be too personal in my writing. Yes, that does allow me to write what I care about/am connected to, but it also tends to make it a little hard to relate to for people who aren't familiar with the situation. It's an interesting balance, and I am unable to find it. Therefore, writing has become more like therapy to me than anything else. And it does a good job at that. I've made it through some tough times by writing.

 

And so, since I've just written a journal entry about my writing, here is a poem I wrote a couple of years ago. Not great, but it means a lot to me. It's kind of a "what if" poem... what if B and I had broken up after the incident with my parents...

 

 

 

 

 

The Lost Poem

 

I wrote a poem once

about the boy I loved.

I don’t think I knew what love was

exactly,

except that I felt it for him.

 

I wrote about sunflowers,

how they always came back in our garden

even when we tried to weed them away.

I wrote about the time he taught me

to crack sunflower seeds between my teeth.

It was metaphorical.

But I think my mom took the paper from my bag

(she never did like him much)

and she ripped it up and threw it to the wind

or held it over a candle until it burned to ashes

in her hand.

 

It was as if she believed

that she could break us apart by

ridding the world of what I had written.

 

Not till years later did I realize that she hadn’t,

and that the tearful “see you later”

that he insisted on,

which had turned into a “goodbye,”

 

was not inevitable.

It was created and written and planned

and handed to me on a crisp sheet of paper.

 

But I held it over the flame

and watched it burn

burn

burn

and scattered the ashes into the wind.

[Firiel]

Randomly feel like crying today. I'm not sure what's bringing this on, but I think it's all my friends who are graduating from college this year... I just remember back to how I felt last year this time. I was nervous, but excited. I couldn't wait to get married, move, find a job, make a new set of friends, all that jazz.

 

And now I'm working four hours a week at the fourth job I've had since graduation. I spent literally all day yesterday just sitting around the apartment while B played video games just wishing I had some form of a life. I worry that now I'll become a self-fulfilling prophesy and be miserable just because I expect it. Ugh.

 

How did I get here?!

[rocio]

Randomly feel like crying today. I'm not sure what's bringing this on?

 

Maybe you're pregnant. Haha, just kidding. I almost started crying at least 5 times today, mostly over news I heard on the radio.

 

Cheer up. Tomorrow will be better. What can you do to brighten your day? I know when I feel down I like to create something. Do you have a camera? Maybe go on a walking tour of your city and take random photos of things that make you laugh, get them printed out, and make them into a little book. Or plant something. I visited a greenhouse yesterday and it lifted my broken spirits. Go to the dollar store and buy canvas and paint?

[Firiel]

Maybe you're pregnant. Haha, just kidding. I almost started crying at least 5 times today, mostly over news I heard on the radio.

 

Cheer up. Tomorrow will be better. What can you do to brighten your day? I know when I feel down I like to create something. Do you have a camera? Maybe go on a walking tour of your city and take random photos of things that make you laugh, get them printed out, and make them into a little book. Or plant something. I visited a greenhouse yesterday and it lifted my broken spirits. Go to the dollar store and buy canvas and paint?

 

Oh gosh. Don't even scare me like that. Now that I've been married for over nine months, I'm a little scared I'll just randomly go into labor without any warning, like in "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."

 

I'm planning on curling up with a book while B plays video games, so that should help. I should get some paints, though. Not being artistic certainly doesn't make trying any less fun!

[Firiel]

So proud of my husband! He weighed in at under 250 today for the first time since at least 19, and maybe even since high school. That means he really only has about 25 more pounds to lose before he's in the 15% body fat range, which is his goal.

 

He still thinks he is hideous and fat, which makes me so sad... yesterday, I ran through a bunch of people we know who could/should probably lose 20-25 pounds (because that's what he wants to lose) and reminded him that he doesn't they are gross and fat. I think it helped a little, but I hate to see him so down on his appearance. I struggle with self-image, but I know in my head that I look just fine, so even when I get grossed out by the mirror, I can just close my eyes, walk away, and remind myself I'm healthy. I don't think he has the head knowledge yet, so when he feels fat, he thinks he's fat, even though he's not anymore. I always tell him how skinny he looks and how great he looks, and I can tell he just doesn't believe it at all.

[Firiel]

Fume fume fume...

 

I hate it when people assume I'm a moron just because I don't agree with them. Actually, I know an awful lot about cultural movements and theories... and I have opinions about them because I'm informed, not because I just don't get the implications.

[Firiel]

*nerd alert*

 

I am reading the best book ever. It's called Virtually Anglo-Saxon: Old Media, New Media, and Early Medieval Studies in the Late Age of Print. It sounds like a total bore. Basically, though, it claims that scholarship of Anglo-Saxon documents/artifacts has been shaped by print media-- by the beginning, middle, end pattern to a book. It goes on to say that the onset post-print media (the internet, hypertexts, that kind of thing) gives us new (and more accurate) ways to interpret Anglo-Saxon works. It makes a fascinating comparison between Anselm's devotional works and immersive computer games such as Myst. Both have a very similar introduction commanding the reader/user to go into a dark room and rid oneself of outside influences and to just get lost in the work. And Anselm's devotional works are much more like web pages with links to other portions of interest because he actually tells the readers not to read his stuff through front to back but rather to read whatever paragraphs one chooses to read in whatever order he chooses to read them.

 

The current chapter is about the Bayeux Tapestry, and I'm excited to see where it's going. So far, it's been talking about the missing ending and has been making a pretty strong case for the expected ending of William the Conqueror being crowned being the original ending, but I know it's just going to take a crazy turn here and pull me into "What the crap?" land. I love it when papers/articles make me think, "What the crap? Are you serious?" in a good way. That's an impressive feat.

[Firiel]

Yesterday one of B's friends told me (not in a creepy way!) that my arms were nice and toned. Yay! It's good to know that working out is paying off. I don't work my arms out a ton (I'd say about 2.5 times a week, and once is swimming, so that will only tone and not build muscle), and I don't gain muscle easily. As a result, my arms are pretty skinny, so it's good to know that the muscle tone is noticeable and that they don't just look like strings hanging from my shirt.

 

Also yesterday, B and I both fell asleep around 7:00 and kept almost waking up until 9:30 when we both realized if we tried to wake up and go to sleep at 11 or so, we'd never be able to fall back asleep. So we both just called it a night. So that means I slept from 7:00 to 6:30. B is still in bed. Apparently we were both pretty exhausted.