SAMRA2 Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Hello ! So I am in a big dilemma. I am a 25 yr old female. my story is this. I was dating a guy (X) for 1 1/2 months, everything was good. however, I had told him we were non exclusive, and I thought he understood that. I went out once with another guy (Y) 1 month into being with the first one. However, i decided to tell X that I had been on a date with Y , thinking I was doing the right thing and being honest. His reaction though was bad. He was shocked and then he said its better if we stop seeing each other, because to him things were black or white. either with him only, or nothing. I was surprised and also upset because I thought he would be glad i was honest, but it didnt turn out that way. Now I dont know what to do. I like him but am still not sure I am willing to give up other options. On the other hand, am afraid I might be letting go a very good guy. My question is: 1- was it wrong of me to tell him? do guys just prefer not to know? 2- are his conditions acceptable/justified? or should i consider them 'unacceptable pressure'? I would love answers from guys on a situation like this. What would you do if you were him? Link to comment
DN Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 It wasn't wrong of you to tell him but he has the right to not want to date you if you are dating other guys as well. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Are you SURE he understood it was not exclusive. And yes honesty IS the best policy. Link to comment
alli Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 It seems like most people agree that there's nothing wrong with casually dating a few different people at once, as long as everyone understands that nothing is exclusive & everyone can date everyone else. That said, I'm personally not really into dating more than one person at once. For one thing, the dates could be spaced out so if seeing the first person doesn't work out, then the next one might still want to go on a date. I think dating more than one person at once can make things complicated. What if you really like both? How do you choose? Also, what if you get carried away with one or the other, giving the idea that things are more exclusive than they are? Not a good idea to sleep with either one until they are the only one you are dating. Then, what do you say if they both want a date on the same night? Of course, they both know about each other, but that would still be awkward to tell them you are seeing the other one that night. I know a guy that causally dated several girls at once, but he kept mixing up their names, forgetting which one had the 7 year old son & what his name was, etc. Of course, they knew about each other but it would still feel bad if they guy you've already been on several dates with can't even remember your name!! He decided to stop dating all of them as a result. Those are just the reasons I personally wouldn't do it, not to say it can't be done. If he knew from the start that you both were free to date others, he shouldn't have gotten so upset & ended things when you told him. If he didn't like it from the start, he should've ended it then. He probably heard you say it, didn't speak up about feeling uncomfortable with it (some people just don't like dating more than one person at once, and doesn't want that person to date others, either) and was just hoping it wouldn't become an issue. And once it was, he got upset. Either that, or since the time that you told him you wanted to date others at the same time, things progressed that gave him the idea that you two were in a spot that you wouldn't date others. And when you told him went on a date with someone else, he may have felt a bit like he was cheated on. Link to comment
d24 Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 i dont think he understood what you meant when you said you were not exclusive.... sorry ... but I think there's no right and wrong here - you're both justified to feel hard done by here! (imagine the havoc it would have caused if he FOUND OUT as opposed to you being truthful and telling him ----- though I really have to be honest ----- I would NEVER EVER talk about dates or other dates in an open relationship - that is just asking for trouble) Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 It may not have been clear to him that you were not exclusive, particularly if you were indeed having sex with him. Many people make an assumption that if sex is in the picture there is exclusivity. It is better that you were honest with him so that he could make the choice of what he wanted to do. Casual dating is not for everyone. If you lose the opportunity with him that has more to do with your choice to be non-exclusive which is incompatible with what he wants. There is no pressure for you...you can date as you wish..but he has chosen to bow out because he is looking for someone who only wants to date him. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 It may not have been clear to him that you were not exclusive, particularly if you were indeed having sex with him. Many people make an assumption that if sex is in the picture there is exclusivity. It is better that you were honest with him so that he could make the choice of what he wanted to do. Casual dating is not for everyone. If you lose the opportunity with him that has more to do with your choice to be non-exclusive which is incompatible with what he wants. There is no pressure for you...you can date as you wish..but he has chosen to bow out because he is looking for someone who only wants to date him. I agree with this. Link to comment
SAMRA2 Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 It may not have been clear to him that you were not exclusive, particularly if you were indeed having sex with him. Many people make an assumption that if sex is in the picture there is exclusivity. It is better that you were honest with him so that he could make the choice of what he wanted to do. Casual dating is not for everyone. If you lose the opportunity with him that has more to do with your choice to be non-exclusive which is incompatible with what he wants. There is no pressure for you...you can date as you wish..but he has chosen to bow out because he is looking for someone who only wants to date him. Yes we did indeed have sex, but I didnt think that changed the exclusivity issue. I didnt have sex with the other guy of course. I told him that. Anyway, I agree that I have to make a choice. But my main question now is: SHOULD I HAVE TOLD HIM OR WOULD IT HAVE BEEN BETTER JUST NOT TELLING HIM? how are things supposed to go in an open relationship? this is the first time i do this! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I think he is telling you there is not going to be an open relationship. Obviously after having sex he no felt like being in an open relationship. If you still want that then he might not be in the running of options. Link to comment
DN Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Yes, I think you should tell someone you are going out with other people so they get to make their choice based on reality. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Many people are not honest about casual dating and the other person gets extremely hurt when they find out through some other means that the person they have been sleeping with has been seeing others and quite possibly sleeping with others. I think it is good that you were honest with him because the fallout would have been much worse had you not been honest and he would have discovered the truth a couple of months from now when he has more emotions invested. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I'm all for casually dating more than one guy, but not sexually. Once I'm invested enough in someone for sex, I'm done with all others. The whole point of setting your own clear dating rules isn't about catering to anyone else's standards, it's about giving yourself clarity and avoiding the kind of confusion you're suffering now. Link to comment
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