Bumped into ex with new girlfriend today

[rapunzel]

It was bound to happen, she lives in my city, about a mile away. I went for a walk with, strangely enough, my ex-ex, who I am on friendly terms with. We were walking around a pond with walking trails (that are well populated with people and dogs) when lo and behold, there is ex walking towards us with his new gal, and they have their arms wrapped around each other.

 

He did not look at me and I do think he may have spotted me but he did not acknowledge us. He seemed as if he was in love, as I suspected he was. I just kept walking.

 

So it was difficult to see them but maybe it's good to see it. Getting bashed over the head again with reality can't hurt.

 

On top of this, our bandmate is throwing a party in a couple of weeks, a small party, and the ex responded "yes + 1" so of course, he is bringing his girlfriend. Who by the way is 15 years younger than he...did I mention. I still have no man in my life and most of the people invited to the party are couples. I think I will have to skip it. And yes, he is well within his rights to live his life, be whoever he wants to be with, he clearly did not want to be with me and I hope he found someone good for him. Still it hurts. I hope it happens for me as well....but to see him with his arms wrapped around this woman, it still smarts.

 

I still think I want to quit the group but it just seems so freakin' lame at this point. I don't know how I can possibly do it without shooting myself in the foot. What the hell is wrong with me?

[renaissancewoman101]

Can your bring your ex-ex with you to the party?

 

I would hate to see you miss out on all these social events. BTW, I still think you should stick with the band. You do get a lot out of it too (connections and being able to shine yourself as a singer/band member)

[rapunzel]

No, Ren I can't bring my ex-ex. One of the reasons I left him is that he can be just awful socially...one on one he's fine but in a group, he can be really..well, I can't go into all the details. Suffice it to say, it's a bad idea.

 

I don't think I can handle going to the party with no date or somewhat serious love interest when they are mostly all going to be couples, especially since ex is obviously quite cuddly with his new gal.

 

I guess if I stay in the group, I'll just get used to the fact that he has a (apparently serious) girlfriend. it's my ego and pride at this point that is the problem, not to mention my low self-esteem that has been exacerbated by this whole situation.

[jettison]

Anyone can go through this. I have gone through this. When we're dealing with stuck energy, and find it hard to move forward, this stuff is bound to happen. I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. I am going to see my ex-ex and her boyfriend together for the foreseeable future so I may as well start getting used to it. She is more then just cool to me, and the bloke is a nice chap as well. I even sent her a Christmas card to just try to throw myself into the idea of being cool with this.

 

I have to say though, I have been in the other shoes. I rejected a woman, and then fell in love with someone new, and she was devastated. Couldn't look at me, walked away in disgust, worried about running into us. I stayed friends with her. It's more then come full circle though. There I was, with my new love, feeling on top of the world and not all that worried about anyone else's feelings... And now I'm that other person.

 

Life goes in circles like that though.

[browneyedgirl36]

Yikes! R, I am sorry this happened.

 

On the one hand, it's probably good, in that stuff like this tends to give us that much-needed kick in the butt, but on the other hand...gahhhhh....very painful. I remember looking up at the sky and saying "God, I really want to get over this, but PLEASE let me do it without having to find out that he's back with his ex!" Sure enough, he got back with his ex. I've caught myself doing the same thing recently, because I suspect he's going to take her back AGAIN. If he does, though, it will probably be for the best, as it will push me forward, despite my resistance. I think the same holds true for you. Seeing them together, while very painful, is a blessing, in a sense, because it makes it more REAL, makes you have to face it head-on.

 

I know you will be OK. My suggestion about the party: Don't go. I know a lot of people would disagree, saying that you should get all dolled up and go alone and act all happy, or that you should find a date -- even just a male friend -- and go with him, but....eh. I think there comes a time when we have to say we're not putting ourselves in situations that will make us feel even worse. Part of moving forward is putting the past behind us, and I think skipping the party will help you to start doing that.

 

Hang in there...

[DN]

This has been a long road for you - I believe you have been broken up for some considerable time. I hope this is the event that finally allows you to move on.

[rapunzel]

Thanks jettison...I know, it does go in circles. A lot of people do go through it if they are in the same social groups or in a work setting, or hey, even a band. I hate feeling like he might know that I'm still stuck, I want to be past it but I'm not completely there yet. I'm a good actress. But as you said, it doesn't matter. He's in love with someone else and I'm barely a blip on his radar at this point. This is what I need to internalize.

 

He rsvp'ed to the party with a happy "thanks, looking forward to it!" No skin on his nose. And yes, I know how that feels as well, when you're in love and don't care so much about your dumpee's (for lack of a better term) feelings but if I was in his shoes and I knew my ex-ex was going to be at that party, I would have a feeling of trepidation.

 

Probably just better for me to skip it. What do you think? Or face my fears head on?

[rapunzel]

This has been a long road for you - I believe you have been broken up for some considerable time. I hope this is the event that finally allows you to move on.

 

Yeah, we have but never had a long enough period of NC due to the band thing. Thanks DN, what choice do I have? I haved moved on - in that I realized he is never coming back - but I still feel pain so I guess I really haven't?

[rapunzel]

Thanks BEG, I am trying to think of it as a blessing seeing them together. I don't blame him for just keeping walking, it would have been too awkward to stop and do introductions. I am really glad we didn't have to do that.

 

No, I'm not going to the party. I will feel worse I think. I have such a freakin' fragile ego, it's kind of pathetic at this point.

[browneyedgirl36]

Yeah, we have but never had a long enough period of NC due to the band thing. Thanks DN, what choice do I have? I haved moved on - in that I realized he is never coming back - but I still feel pain so I guess I really haven't?

 

No, you haven't, but you're on the road to doing so, as you are not in denial about the situation anymore -- you are prepared for him never coming back, which I think is a step in the right direction.

 

The pain, well...it would definitely have faded more by now if you weren't seeing him regularly. I know the same is true for me also. Seeing them together may give you that push -- one way or the other -- either to stay with the band and tough it out and decide you CAN be OK without him, OR to leave the band and cut him out of your life for good and move forward in that way.

[jettison]

I can deal with bumping into them even though I don't care for it much. Sitting down with that at dinner or hanging with them at a party? I really just don't know. Part of me thinks I'd rather get all my wisdom teeth pulled without any sedation, but who knows. I've been in situations like that a long, long time ago, and it didn't end up near as bad as I imagined.

 

It's funny, but when I'm single I'm jealous of every ex I've ever had on some surreal, silly level. And when I'm in love again I could care less. I still say that your focus should be on removing the barriers that won't let you allow new love in. That's where you solve this little puzzle once and for all.

[SnowFox]

I find myself wondering if some of the sadness you are feeling is not as much about your ex as it is about feeling like you don't have a lot of avenues to meet a new partner. So you feel trapped in the state of being alone without anyone.

 

I posted on another thread somewhere that I have a female friend who is 68 years old. I have known her for about 5 years now. She has dated almost constantly during that time and has been in several relationships. She is currently very happy with a 55 year old man. What I've noticed about her is that she never gives up when it comes to men. She doesn't let her bad dates or bad short-term relationships weigh her down mentally. She just keeps going and believes deep down that she is worthy of a relationship.

 

She has had to weed out a lot of guys over the past few years to find the ones she is happy to be involved with. I can honestly say that if this woman just went about her daily business, gardening, volunteering, etc., she probably would be single. The reason she isn't is that she just has never given up trying to meet new guys. I think its an inspiration to all of us. If a woman who is close to 70 can do this, certainly the rest of us can too.

[rapunzel]

Thanks jettison, I agree...if I was in love with someone else, none of this would matter! I actually did have prior plans for the night of the party but they are later on...I think I will rsvp with a "maybe" that I will try to make it....not sure....or maybe I should just do a straight "no" with a "thanks, but I already have plans for that night.

 

TG, I believe that yes, you are partially correct. The ex and I were just not compatible when it comes right down to it. He was never connected to me, and did not want to be with me, so uh, clearly it would never work. I hate the online thing but I may have to try it again, and I am going to have to break out my shyness/depression and try things that are out of my comfort zone. Thanks for the story about your friend, that is inspiring.

[curious11]

you said you were with you ex-ex... im sure he is just as hurt as you are by seeing you two together. Im sure he has the itty bitty shltty committee goin on in his head and questioning why your with your ex-ex

[rapunzel]

Actually curious11, I don't know think he knows my ex-ex or could pick him out in a crowd....he saw him once briefly over two years ago.

 

Nope, he appeared to be quite smitten with this new woman and why not? To be honest, I am not even 100% sure he saw me/us. They appeared deep in conversation.

[rapunzel]

My ex-ex was really patient and helpful. We actually spent the day and evening together watching "The Sound Of Music" (that movie just kills me, so many memories of childhood). He listened to me, even stuff about the ex, and the other stuff that I feel so stuck about. It felt pretty comfortable and nice to be with him.

 

He made some moves on me but I resisted. I knew it was a bad idea. We did snuggle a bit. I really thought he was over me but after last night, I think he would consider taking me back after all this time. Still, it's not the right time and would not be fair to him while I still am not completely over this latest guy. Also, people don't change that much and he is no exception so the reasons I left him still exist. Sigh.

[curious11]

well thats another thing you should have in mind. Dont string this ex-ex along because he'll prolly get hurt. i still love my ex from 4 years ago

[rapunzel]

No, I'm not stringing him along. Will admit I have entertained thoughts of what reconciliation with him would be like. Then I remember why I left and then I stop. Then I remind myself that ANY relationship at this point is going to have problems and I wonder...AND I have not met really any other guys...

 

But wait a minute. There are a couple guys that seem to be somewhat interested in me, who I find somewhat interesting...so I need to just keep my mind open and not project, not worry, not obsess and just let things unfold.

 

Oh and jettison, I requested The Alchemist from the library so per your advice, I'll be reading that soon.

[rapunzel]

...of how they looked strolling together, his arm around her shoulders and hers around his back. He looked happy. New lovers. I'm just assuming that this is it for him, they are in love, she'll be the one to make him commit. I know I don't anything except what I saw, which appeared to me to be two pretty content lovers. I guess it's still pretty exciting at 3 months if you're going to make it past that hump.

 

Sigh. I hope I can get over this. I'm pretty definite I won't be going to the party.

[browneyedgirl36]

No, I'm not stringing him along. Will admit I have entertained thoughts of what reconciliation with him would be like. Then I remember why I left and then I stop. Then I remind myself that ANY relationship at this point is going to have problems and I wonder...AND I have not met really any other guys...

 

But wait a minute. There are a couple guys that seem to be somewhat interested in me, who I find somewhat interesting...so I need to just keep my mind open and not project, not worry, not obsess and just let things unfold.

 

Oh and jettison, I requested The Alchemist from the library so per your advice, I'll be reading that soon.

 

 

I'm going to read "The Alchemist" also; I have it, and have for a long time, but I just never read it. I'm looking forward to it.

 

I agree, keep your mind open. I don't think there's any danger of you stringing your ex-ex along. You seem to have a healthy perspective on that. And, knowing how it feels to be strung along -- as your most recent ex did to you -- is definitely going to keep you from doing it to someone else. I know that after what I have experienced the last couple of years, I would never let some poor guy think I was "into" him if I really wasn't or if I was just with him because I was really lonely and missing my ex.

[browneyedgirl36]

...of how they looked strolling together, his arm around her shoulders and hers around his back. He looked happy. New lovers. I'm just assuming that this is it for him, they are in love, she'll be the one to make him commit. I know I don't anything except what I saw, which appeared to me to be two pretty content lovers. I guess it's still pretty exciting at 3 months if you're going to make it past that hump.

 

Sigh. I hope I can get over this. I'm pretty definite I won't be going to the party.

 

Hey, R -- I know it's hard. Try to halt those flashbacks if you can. Interrupt them with pictures of something else -- your favorite childhood memory, a good friend, fluffy kittens -- whatever it takes.

 

I've never seen my ex with his previous ex, but I have seen pictures of her, and I did walk past her once when she was alone (don't know if she knew who I was as we've never formally met), and I have still caught myself imagining them together. I try to stop myself because it is just not productive at all, and it makes things worse for me.

 

About the party, I wouldn't go. Make other plans for that night --something fun. I know there will be people who will say "Don't let him scare you away" or "If you don't go you'll be proving to him that you're still hung up on him" but I really, really think that, especially since you just saw them together and you're not feeling great about it, it would be better for you to skip it and find something else fun to do that night -- something for YOU. And, if you don't show up, he won't necessarily think you're still hung up on him. People skip parties all the time -- they have other stuff to do. If anything, it might make you appear busy, like you're getting on with your life and don't need to go to the party. There will be other parties. I just think that you've never really had a chance to heal from all this, and seeing them draped all over each other at a party is not going to promote faster healing because it's not giving you the distance you need from him.

 

Just my two cents. Keep us posted.

[rapunzel]

I'm going to read "The Alchemist" also; I have it, and have for a long time, but I just never read it. I'm looking forward to it.

 

I agree, keep your mind open. I don't think there's any danger of you stringing your ex-ex along. You seem to have a healthy perspective on that. And, knowing how it feels to be strung along -- as your most recent ex did to you -- is definitely going to keep you from doing it to someone else. I know that after what I have experienced the last couple of years, I would never let some poor guy think I was "into" him if I really wasn't or if I was just with him because I was really lonely and missing my ex.

 

No, my poor ex-ex got an earful about ex yesterday so I doubt he'd even consider a reconciliation anyway. I hope I wouldn't string him along....I hope I would be above that. i certainly don't plan on it.

 

Feeling like utter crap. And if I'm still feeling this after ALL this time, I need to remove myself from the situation to get over it. Or do I? God, I am such a pathetically broken record!](*,)

 

Next show is January 15th, then one on February 5th, then March 6th. Then we have a month off. So maybe I could do it then so I don't leave them high and dry. I dunno. Maybe I'll wake up one morning and like magic, I'll be over him.

[browneyedgirl36]

Well, don't count on magically being over him overnight. (I say this from experience, of course, as I've tried it).

 

It's so hard to say what to do. It's very hard in these situations to know what's right. If you're anything like me, you go back and forth with yourself -- sometimes hour by hour. One minute it's "Ok, I CAN live without him! I can handle it!" and the next minute it's "My God, how am I going to do this?!"

 

Thankfully, I'm getting some much-needed space from mine, come January, for several months. I'm crossing fingers and toes that it will give me a push in the right direction, particularly since I won't see him -- and most likely not talk to him at all -- during those months. A couple of people have asked, "Are you sure he won't contact you?" Well, he might e-mail me, but unless I give him my phone number, he can't call or text me. He might catch me online, or on Skype, if I don't block him. I'm hoping I'll be so occupied with everything else that I won't be focused on him. I know I will miss him at first, and that my thoughts will drift toward him and what he's doing -- and with whom -- but I have to keep reminding myself that it's ME time -- time to take care of me, do things for ME, etc.

 

I wish you could have a big chunk of time -- at least 3 or 4 months -- away from your ex. I really think it would give you a chance to heal somewhat, once the withdrawal feelings go away. I liken it to being addicted to something -- say, chocolate, in my case. If I have enough time away from chocolate, I'm good. If it's not in my house, I'm good. I generally won't go out and buy it. It may cross my mind from time to time, but I don't crave it. If it's in front of my face all the time, as it was at Christmas, all bets are off, and I go crazy and consume a bunch in only a few days, and I feel terrible. My point is that, while out of sight isn't necessarily 100% out of mind, it DOES help to ease that craving a bit.

 

One thing I'm doing: I'm not even thinking of trying to find anyone to date while I'm away, or even for a few months after I return. I'm really going to take this "me time" thing seriously so that I am sure that if I date someone he's not just *there* to ease the pain from my situation with my ex. And, I want to be sure that I don't get myself into a similar situation because I am lonely, wanting companionship, etc. However...if, while abroad, I meet a handsome, dashing guy who thinks I'm the best thing that ever happened to him -- well, then, the heck with the ex. Ex who??????

[rapunzel]

Thanks browneyedgirl. Last night I had to get up at 2:00AM and take an Advil PM just to get to sleep due to the images in my mind. Grrr. I do try to insert other images, usually of nature scenes or another guy I think is attractive. I like the idea of the fluffy kitten though.

 

Actually, I did already have plans for the night of the party, some totally unrelated musician friends are performing for their CD release party. So I did have plans, even if they don't start until 9:00Pm and the party is at 7:00PM. Technically I could make an appearance, but I think I will skip it completely. Skipping the party is not going to really help me heal or create much distance, I think I need a few to 6 months of full NC for that, but agree that I don't need to see them draped all over each other, kissing, caressing, and all the things that new lovers do. Nope, I really don't need to see that and I don't think he cares much about being discreet in my presence.

 

I'm a little worried about our Jan 15th show as it is a rather small club and if she sits in the front, oy, whatever....it's a few weeks away and I need to just let that go.

[rapunzel]

Yep, it's back and forth, pros and cons, should I stay or should I go. Exhausting.

 

Your trip away is the greatest thing ever! I wish I could do the same. I may be forced to leave and I am now wishing I had stuck with my original plan which was to send a group email the day after our 12/18 show and tell them it was my last. Now I feel it's too late for me to back out with the 1/15 show coming up, and then we have something 2/6....and if SHE's at the upcoming shows, and they are all cuddly, then it will look glaringly obvious that I couldn't handle it and quit. Whereas she was *not* at either our November OR December shows, and my departure could have been for a number of reasons...not because ex has a new girlfriend and I'm pathetic.

 

I know I can't worry about how it looks, I have to do what I have to do....if I have to do it.