Bumped into ex with new girlfriend today

[rapunzel]

Lost sleep again last night...although in the afternoon my mom did make me a cup of 1/2 caf/1/2 decaf coffee and I tend to be sensitive to caffeine...but it's the worrying. I was up from about 3AM - 5AM.

 

I know I'm in the same place I was at this time last year, and I did *not* quit the group. I survived this year although I cried and worried a lot. Last year, he sent me the "I hope we can be friends" letter at the end of the year and then In January brought a woman to our show and snuggled with her. That made me want to quit but I did not. That relationship did not last past 4 months.

 

I am well aware that I am way too focused on HIM and HIS relationships, rather than trying to work on finding one for myself. I know for a fact, deep in my heart, that he never felt much for me - I was a rebound - and he never got over his ex when he was with me. He was able to have full No Contact with her for over a year as she lives 45 minutes away and there is little chance that he'll bump into her. So he was able to grieve the end of that relationship, with my help, and now it appears he is happily ensconced in a new relationship with a woman that may be everything he wished for. And he's gaily accepting party invitations, knowing full well I may be there, and he couldn't care in the least.

 

And here I am, losing sleep, planning to not accept the party invite as I still can't handle hanging with him and his new girlfriend, worrying that I won't be handle seeing her at our show in January, etc. I wonder how much of this is that I have become so attached to this mental illness of sorts, it has become so familiar, that I just don't want to give it up...it's easy to keep going back to it, rather than adopting new, healthy behaviors and changing my life for the better.

 

Does that mean leaving a group that brings me a lot of fun, socially and musically? Why am I still so stuck and why did I not leave the group earlier? As my bandmate has pointed out, we were just not a good match and why can't I just look at it as a blessing, that we never would have worked ANYWAY. Even if I did do everything "right".

 

I think I do have a fear that he was my last chance, and I don't think I have felt that level of passion for someone in 10-15 years. He seemed perfect for me, we had so much in common and the attraction seemed mutual - for a short while. But the relationship was imbalanced and he lost interest quickly due to my level of interest being more than his. Lesson learned, once again.

 

I was up at 3:00AM, revising my quit letter to the group. But I still did not send it. I feel it is so, so, so very lame to do at this point in time. And it would be unprofessional for me to do with the January 15th show coming up. My ex-ex said I should just tell them at our next rehearsal that Jan 15th will be my last show with them and leave it at that. I feel that will be too hard and I'll be bombarded with questions, it will be awkward, etc.

 

Today, I am going to let it go, let him go and put a smile on my face and think positive thoughts about my future, whether I leave the group or not. I have given this man WAY too much power over me and my emotions and it is stopping - today.

 

Ok, I have to go to work. This thing is just freakin' ridiculous at this point and I'm embarrassed that I am still posting this stuff. Apologies to all you patient ENA'ers, I do appreciate the support!

[SparklyBoots]

It is a very tough situation to be in - quit something you love or keep having your face rubbed in it by this guy....understandable that it has prolonged your healing. I am lucky in that my ex lives 40 miles away and I am inlikely to see him at all - but we have a mutual friend that runs a pub and sometimes I go up to see other friends who live there and I dread him being there at the same time as I fear he will either have a gf in tow or be on the pull...my heart goes out to you in your situation.

 

It seems such a shame for him to be the reason you may quit the group though - you are getting better though hun, I know it has been a slow process but if you look back over your early posts I am sure you can see how far you have come. Yes it hurts, but you do have an inner strength that is admirable.

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your vote of confidence, SparklyBoots. I tend to put myself down mercilessly and I need to be a lot kinder to myself and give myself credit for the way I've handled myself this past year. I have to say I've been quite the trooper. I wonder how HE would have handled all this if he were in my shoes. Judging from the way he reacted when he learned his ex was dating someone else, methinks he would not handle it well either. But would he ever try to put himself in my shoes and consider how I might feel?

[rapunzel]

Still feeling unsure of what to do about my band situation. I can't quit before January 15th, that would be unprofessional.

 

I was at a party last night, at my ex-ex's house, for a mutual friend who was in town. There was a guy there that I'm attracted to and he definitely made a move on me...but I'm not sure if it was the wine talking. We were sitting next to each other at the table and talking about the music that was being played and I mentioned that I'd like to hear more of this particular group and he said "we could go listen to Weather Report at my place". I was somewhat stunned and didn't say anything, I thought he was dating this other woman. She was not there, he told my ex-ex she declined the invite. I am attracted to him...but it could be a sticky situation.

 

I just wonder if I'm going to be able to develop a relationship with someone else while staying in the group and witnessing dude (ex) with his new girlfriend at our shows, etc. Is it possible?

[renaissancewoman101]

Rapunzel, yes it is possible to develop a relationship. You can and you will now or sooner or later. Let it happen if it is meant to be. It will help you move on. It did with my last ex (even though the relationship did not last long).Good luck!

[rapunzel]

Thanks Ren - I am just going to keep being hopeful, staying positive and smiling as much as possible, even if I don't feel like it.

 

I've given my ex way, way, way too much power over me for way, way, way too long and I cannot, will not, do this any more. I am better than that, and have a lot of offer the *right* person. He clearly is, was and never will be the *right* person.