I'm back again and could do with some more advice/encouragement

[Ocean123]

Hi all, I posted this back in July.

 

A long read

I have had a rocky relationship with my ex girlfriend for around 5 years now.

I am extremely angry at the moment because once again i have been used as a backup plan / safety net.

I am very good friends with her all her family. I didn't really know her 5 years ago, but I knew she'd been through 2 engagements.

She was due to get married, but her fiance called things off with 1 month to go. She was lonely and out on her own, and we became friends. We were both single, then one thing led to another and she asked me if we could date.

I was surprised, I cared for her and she is extremely attractive, but it would have been awkward due to me being very close fiends with her brothers.

We started dating, and she began to change, became very hostile towards me, didn't want to try anything new, had no interest in my work, family or friends, would never smile when i showed up etc.

My friends and family questioned what I was doing, but I could only see her good side.

Eventually after 2 years we split up, but remained friends. She met someone else, and I realised I was going to lose her. I made the biggest mistake of chasing, pleading and begging for another chance.

She wouldn't give me another chance, but continued to keep seeing me, nothing intimate but as a friend. I continued asking and trying to persuade her to come back to me, but all to no avail.

I gave up, then out of the blue, this guy dumps her, tells her she's disrespectful, and walks out on her. She comes crying to me.

I don't read into it, but then she starts calling me and popping round after work. We enjoy each others company, and she has me well and truly reeled me in. She told me she loved me, and asked for another chance. I'd got what i wished for.

We started again, it was great at first, then she started to change again. She would never say hello when meeting up with me or any of my friends. She would make situations awkward.

She would belittle and demean me in public.

She wouldn't try anything new.

I started to have my doubts, but i stuck with it.

We enjoyed a great holiday together that year, and we decided to live together. She moved in, Or should I say, I moved all her stuff in, 2 whole days of manually lifting furniture with her father. I gave away most of my furniture as "my furniture wasn't good enough"

She didn't unpack a single box, never cooked once, never rang me once to see what time i'd be home from work, never washed any clothes. Never wanted to go out for drinks with me, but was happy to see her friends.

2 months later, she decided she wanted to move out!!. No discussion with me, she went cold on me and i confronted her. She had discussed it with her mum, but not me.

Off she went, and ignored me. At this time a member of my family died, she came to the funeral and acted as my girlfriend, but went around telling people at the wake, she loved me but wasn't in love with me.

I kept trying to persuade her to come home, to try and sort this out, but she could not be persuaded.

 

Then i find out she'd been in contact with her other ex boyfriend. All of a sudden things started to make sense. I questioned her on this and she said it had nothing to do with me.

Apparently she'd seen him a few times, but just as friends, she told me she wasn't interested in him.

I decided to go no contact, then on valentines weekend i had a weak moment. I phone her and asked her to dinner. she said she couldn't as her ex had a surprise for her. I had bought her flowers and was hoping for some sort of reconciliation.

I was so angry, she kept giving this guy chance after chance, but wouldn't give me the time of day.

I hung up, and deleted her number. I wanted nothing to do with her. I knew she was off somewhere with him.

The day after valentines day, i got a teary phone call, she had just walked out on him, and left him.

She came to see me and said that she didnt want to lose me, i was her soul mate and my words had an affect on her. Her other words include he was a loser, a b*****d and so on. She also mentioned she was sitting on the train on her way home and could picture herself walking up the aisle to me.

For someone who was supposed to be just friends, I was amazed how cut up she was, and the crap she was giving me. But being the sucker I bought it. She invited me out to dinner, she was being very sweet and kind, then to her parents. She invited me in as her mum wanted to have a chat, and we had a long discussion about what i and she wanted.

When I left she put her arms round me and we kissed. She wouldn't leave me alone after that, she called me every night, we went out very weekend. Up until 4 weeks ago, when all of a sudden she stopped. I questioned what was up and she said nothing. She was acting all distant and cold.

It transpired that this ex of hers sent her a text message and a bunch of flowers at around the same time.

I have met other girls when we have split up, but I have not continued seeing them with this hanging over me, as my heart is always wanting my ex.

I honestly thought I'd be with her forever.

With all the begging and pleading I've come accross as desperate and needy.

Maybe i feel like I want to be her saviour, her knight in shining armour.

 

Thanks for taking time to read this

 

An Update

 

Well, I'm back again, after failing to listen to all the excellent advice given on this forum

 

She ended things with this other guy, she found out he was a jerk and walked out on him.

 

All of a sudden I started getting phone calls, asking me if I would like to go out, meet for coffee etc.

 

I brushed it all off at first, then couldn't resist and fell into the same trap, I started seeing her again.

 

It was great and my hopes were beginning to be raised again, she leaned on me yet again.

 

Her birthday was approaching and like a sucker i bought her some nice gifts, and then bang out of the blue, she told me she had joined a dating site.

 

4 weeks later, after not much contact, she tells me she's in love with this new man she has met.

I tell her not to contact me again unless it's to try and work things out, otherwise have a nice life.

 

Didn't hear from her for another 2 weeks, then she rings me, and tells me I might hear things around christmas time (same group of friends), as this guy is serious about her and is talking about marriage, after that she becomes very flirtatious on the phone, and we start talking about old times. The next day she texts me all day long and it's like the old days.

 

So I ring her that evening, she replies via text saying she couldn't talk

 

I ring her the following night and again she says she can't talk but will ring me tomorrow lunchtime.

 

She rings me and says that I shouldn't have called her as it upset her new man!!! Her words. He thinks she'll leave him for me, and doesn't like the idea that i'm still in love with her.

 

Needless to say, I asked her not to contact me again, all she has done is hurt me over and over again.

 

Why, Oh Why! am I having sleepless nights over this girl? I dream about her all the time, I go to bed in tears hoping for another chance.

 

Has she used me, to make this new guy jealous and commit himself to her?

Do I ring her and vent my anger?

 

She told me she loved me, so why join a dating site, and find someone else?

All that goes through my head is anyone but me will do.

 

The question that puzzles me the most is,

 

Why do I still love her?

and want her back more than anything in the world? knowing full well it would cause massive problems between my family & friends and myself.

 

She still has a spare key to my house, some of her clothes and item are still here. I will have to contact her to come and move them and get my key back.

 

Please any advice is still appreciated, I know I have only myself to blame, I can't believe i'm back here reliving past nightmares.

 

Christmas is fast approaching, I am on my own once again.

 

This time i feel i have lost her forever, especially as she is at an age where she wants babies and wants to get married, (things we talked about, and I was keen on doing)

 

She continues to cement her relationship with this new guy, and i'm worried the next thing i hear about her will be that she is pregnant or is getting married.

The thought of this sends me to bed in tears and I have no idea how I would react if I hear this news.

[catfeeder]

Given that you're just riding the same merry-go-round, why not read and consider the advice that was given to you earlier?

 

"Insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results."

 

Change your course. It's a decision.

[ReturnToSender]

You really need to step away from this I know its hard but its not doing you any good. Your her backup plan if her other relationships don’t work out she comes running to you. That way she doesn’t have to deal with the pain and heartache of losing someone. You are the only one getting hurt in this situation while she's out and about doing her own thing, knowing you will always be there to catch her when she falls. The next time this happens if it does happen you need to let her go let her fall show her that she cant use to pick herself back up. As of right now it only looks like she's using you. All I can say is that if she truly did love you she would never have done this to you. You need to stop allowing her to treat you this way stand up for yourself. Walk away and show her that your not going to be her doormat, and once she falls and your not there she will realize what she's put you through. However until you walk away and show her that she cant do this to you she will continue to use you as her backup plan.

[stickman]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Please know that this is a difficult time of year for many and that you are not alone.

 

My past experience has taught me that it is best to tie all the lose ends as quickly as possible AND with as little contact as possible...if any! As was suggested, you should try to back away from her. The longer you have contact the longer it will delay your healing.

 

I always suggest that people write down and focus on the bad stuff that bothered you. Why? I think it then helps you to justify sooner just what things you should not have had to deal with. In the end, it may help you to understand that a break up may be the best thing to happen for YOU in the long run. (Sometimes, God does us a big favor and we dont even know it till a few months....years down the road!)

 

My best advice...again from experience...is that it is best to try to STAY BUSY with other things to distract your mind. SURE, many things will remind you of your ex. It is natural. However, try to do something physical and focus on a small goal of some sort. When you are tired physically, you may sleep better. Right now, you need to take care of yourself. You are the most important person in your own life.

 

Hang in there my friend and others going through this same plight. You are NOT alone. It will get better. Believe me!

[browneyedgirl36]

Wow...this is a really hard situation to be in -- I have been in a similar one for the past few years, but on a much smaller scale than yours -- I feel for you; I've felt badly enough in my situation, and it hasn't been nearly as drawn out as yours.

 

You've hit the nail on the head in saying that you can't blame anyone but yourself. I don't say this to be harsh, but it's good that you recognize that she can't keep sucking you in unless you let her. It is excrutiating to ignore the contact of someone we love, particualrly with someone with whom we have had an up-and-down, tumultuous relationship, but every time she contacts you again after leaving you, it gets worse and worse for you, doesn't it? Doesn't it hurt more every time?

 

The bottom line: This woman is toxic to you. She has repeatedly used you as a fall-back position when things didn't work out with other people, including her ex on more than a few occasions. You deserve better than that. All that energy you are focusing on her should be focused on YOU and making yourself happy and enjoying your life. You can't do that, and can't be open to any possiblity of new love with someone else, until you let her go.

 

The BEST thing you can do is to completely erase her from your life. Box up her stuff and either send it back or throw it away. Block all of her contact information. Changing your number would probably be a GREAT idea. Change your e-mail, etc. other ways she can contact you.

 

I don't think it's enough to just tell her that she should only contact you if she wants to reconcile -- she's done that, several times -- and you have reconciled, only to have her burn you again.

 

A suggestion: There's a book called Getting Past Your Break-up (can't remember the author's name, but if you go on link removed and search for it, you'll find it) that might help you ; there are excercises in that book that will help you to see your relationship more for what it was -- something very unhealthy for you.

 

I also suggest taking time, with NO contact from this woman, to focus on you. Find things you enjoy doing and do them. Reach out to other people and enjoy their company. Read. Exercise. Eat healthy. Get enough sleep. You will think of her, of course, but when you do, try to shift your thoughts to yourself. Turn thoughts about her into thoughts about YOU, what you want, what you think, what is important to you.

 

In your case, I believe that NC -- totally, completely -- is the only way you will start to feel better. It will hurt like HELL at first, knowing you can't talk to her, but the pain of NC is nothing compared to the pain of keeping yourself in this unhealthy situation.

 

I wish I could be of more help to you. I know it's hard.

[ghostdog]

Honestly I do not believe you truly love this woman.

 

I mean how can one seriously love someone that treats them like sh!t...

 

Mostly likely you love the "IDEA" of her...

 

The deal is- the only people that treat you like crap are people that you allow to treat you like that...

 

 

Even still you've told her "don't contact me unless you want to work things out"....

 

You are still putting yourself in a position to use and abuse you....

 

Do not take her back- because trust me- she does NOT want to work things out...

[orthanc]

I feel you and I'm in a sort of that situation where I felt, I continue to give but she keeps on using me like a safety net, if her new relationship will break up.

She even hide it from me at first, and gave me false hope that we will be together again eventually. Sort of be patient and I'll come back soon after screwing this guy.

I was a total sucker and up to this point, I feel she will still try to find a way to contact me again to see if she still has power over my feelings. In the meantime, I'm trying to build my self-esteem by doing NC. Slowly, I'm getting better, but the nights are still cold and the thoughts sometimes just keeps on shoving inside your head...but we must endure this to get better.

[Ms Darcy]

Honestly I do not believe you truly love this woman.

 

I mean how can one seriously love someone that treats them like sh!t...

 

Mostly likely you love the "IDEA" of her...

 

The deal is- the only people that treat you like crap are people that you allow to treat you like that...

 

 

Even still you've told her "don't contact me unless you want to work things out"....

 

You are still putting yourself in a position to use and abuse you....

 

Do not take her back- because trust me- she does NOT want to work things out...

 

Agree here.

[Ocean123]

She contacted me, said she needed to talk to me.

 

I said for her to call me.

 

My worst fears came true, she told me it was best to hear it from her, and not a 3rd party.

She is getting married!!!

They got engaged, after 3 months of dating.

 

I fell into the usual trap of asking her to explain why she has used me for the last 5 years, and she says she did love me, but has never felt like this before about anyone (Same thing I heard when she left me for her previous ex)

 

She said she misses me, misses our conversations and going out but she is over the moon, and totally in love with this new man.

 

I went into desparation mode and I stupidly told her I love her, always have, always will, and I don't want her to do this, and said I can't believe she is doing this to me.

 

I ended the phone call, upset, trying to hold back tears, but she could hear it in my voice.

 

So long as she is happy, it won't matter if I'm not around. She can't have everything.

 

I told her that I never want to see or hear from her again, or be anywhere near her (which will make things awkward around family and friends)

 

Have I done the right thing??

 

Obviously this is hurting me so much, the thought of her marrying someone else, and the thought of her never loving me or trying to sort things out with me.

 

Most of all though, the thought of never hearing, seeing or holding her ever again, has set me back to Zero.

 

It's bringing back all the memories, my supposed best mate / soulmate / lover / girlfriend.

The girl who said she could see herself walking up the aisle to me. The girl who came back into my life and asked for another chance. The girl who talked about starting a family with me.

 

4 days before christmas, I was doing so well after over a month of no contact, now this!!!!

 

This site is amazing for advice, I'm trying my best to use it, but I tend to have relapses (I'm only human), any more words of encouragement would be fantastic. I am really hurting at the moment.

[ghostdog]

sorry man- it happens...

 

i've had to give that conversation with an ex of mine once...well not really.

 

i'd told her i was not going to be calling her anymore because i was seeing someone...then about 2-3 years later i emailed her and told her i was married...but that i was coming to her city and wondered if we could meet up...

 

she cussed me up one side and down the other.

 

but keep hope alive- after the divorce- i got back in contact with her and we rebuilt a LDR with each other and the door was still open for both of us to get back with each other, as she had never married (after about 9 years)

[stickman]

Trust me...In time you will learn that she did YOU a huge favor...only now...you just cant see it.

 

Look....She did have some history with you. Not much at all from a guy that she has only known for 3 months! Her real test is coming and she does not even know it yet. you and YOUR heart deserve better.

 

First you get sad...then MAD...then...in time...you get glad and laugh your butt off.

 

Like Mic said: "Time is on my side..."

"Yes it is...."

[Ocean123]

An update 1 month on

 

I'm still feeling down. I've been getting on with things, going out with friends, started a college course. But she still plays on mind.

 

I'm still hurting and keep getting involuntary snippets of information about her.

The wedding is fast approaching and before the end of the year she will be married.

 

I was doing ok up until last week, then she sent me a message, saying she would understand if i didn't want to talk to her now, but just wanted to know if i was ok.

 

I replied after much thought. I'm ok thanks.

I didn't want her to know anything about me, give her any satisfaction etc.

Now I'm hurting all over again because of 1 text message.

 

What I would like to say, I never want to hear or see her ever again. I didn't deserve to be treated this way.

 

I just spoke to a very good friend, and he tells me that another friend has arranged a quiz night, one that we all used to attend as a group. He has invited her and her new boyfriend.

I can't stomach the thought of her and some of my good friends sitting around having a good time, but I can't possibly go as the way I feel at the moment I would probably do something stupid.

 

Unfortunately this is going to happen a lot now, especially when it comes to her brothers, they feel awkward about the whole situation, in the pit of my stomach I feel sick about this situation.

When it comes to the wedding, they'll all be going away and be wanting to talk about it, but will have to avoid conversations around me.

 

I feel sick, angry.

Her own selfish needs have been taken care of, and she's left me feeling like crap.

 

I loved this girl more than i can explain to my friends and family. I have no idea why, i know i just did and wish I could have her back.

Why did she lie to me? How could she tell me she loves me, then rip me apart.

 

If I did something wrong or was abusive or cheated, I woul accept things and move on very easily.

But like I said, I didn't deserve this treatment, I did nothing but give her all my love and she used that against me.

 

Please any advice is greatly appreciated.

[No1]

A few things, I see, you are her net, her back up, she doesnt want you and ask yourself why do you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you?

Have you seen that movie "hes just not that into you" perfect movie for you. You will never be more than a back up. She is co-dependent, needy of attention, her esteem is probably in the toilet and needs the reassurance that she is pretty blah blah. She will always contact you when she needs you. Question is, what are you going to do?

You either accept it or you dont.