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  • Birthday 06/09/1964

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  1. Stick to what you want! The quickest way to gain someone's attention is to remove yours. If a person wants time to think.... give them all the time with they want!! Let them know that. But also let them know that you might not be available when they come back. Because the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. Walking away and never looking back means exactly that....walking away and never looking back. People never know what they have until it's gone. Fact.
  2. Great posts from everyone. In my life, I was the dumpee almost everytime for whatever reason. Yup...I read all the books...trying to figure out why...what to do...but in the end....I had to always do something to heal ME. But at the core of every good relationship is mature communication. You must be able to communicate your feelings, thoughts, dreams, fantasies, goals and things that bother you. Sometimes we do find that person that seems to fit us in many ways....and then....things happen. The wheels fall off...and whether we like it or not, they dump us...or we leave them. Either way it hurts. But the sooner you figure out that you are still the great person that GOD made you and that you control how long to endure the pain the better and faster you will heal. For me, time and staying very busy helped. Sure we can all change to suit that other person and their needs. But do you have to? It's not being selfish....it's about knowing yourself. Sit down, and write it all out. Give the correct weight to everything....and every issue. EVEN THE SMALL STUFF. You may find that you were unhappy with living with the way THEY were and what THEY did and that unknowing made YOU unhappy...which then made them unhappy with you. Seriously. I go back to the same thing over and over...you must stay busy...It's good for the body and the mind. "Idle hands are the devil's workshop"... Ever hear that? My grandfather gave me some great advise about life without trying to do so. He said: "Once you stop moving, you're done!"
  3. Scoe141 You really should think about NOT contacting your ex. At least for a little while. Again, it is better for you. Look....At first, it is going to be very very hard. I am not going to lie. And one or two days seems like forever. But if you set a goal and STAY busy, soon you will be too busy to worry about them and what THEY are doing. I started to do things that "I" liked to do. Things that made ME happy. Thus, my mind was busy doing them and not focused on my ex. When I was happy people liked being around me more...Get the picture? I suggest to every one to find a hobby...read books...play an instrument or perhaps learn to play one...walk...ride a bike...swim...lift weights...anything but listen music that makes us sad or watch TV. And set a time limit to mope!!! But get off your bums and move. For me I learned that I am still the same person. I still make people laugh and most popel would like to be with a person that makes them laugh....much more than beauty....and money! You control your own future happiness. You wait and grieve....or start now and set a goal to be happy. "I may not be as good as I once was.....but I am better once then I ever was!!" Live....and laugh....ha ha ha ha. Life gets better! If you stay busy...you'll see that a year from now life IS better and you'll laugh at where you are now. Trust me. I welcome your comments.
  4. Many of you are hurting. But take it from a person that has been on here twice because of breakups over the past many years, I can tell you that it does help at first to read and hear feedback from people on here....for a little while at least. But then at some point YOU like me have to make a decision. Both times I think I did the right thing by moving on. Which at first feels like amputating a leg. What I did learn is that NO CONTACT is the key no matter what!!! I waited. It gave me time to heal and think...and my ex time to think about life without me. Five months later, when I had already decided to move on, meet new woman ...sure enough...the ex wanted back in to my life. (Yes. It takes that long. Not two weeks. not 30 days. it takes months!) Too Late? Ask yourself....Why go back to what once was and what did not work when there is potential for a better new relationship...with all the firsts, hopes and romance that you once had at the beginning of the last one. Should you go back? That will be different for each person. (Because it can never be waht it was because what was did not work) How long was the relationship? Were you together long enough to share that many experiences? How old were you? What were your goals together and apart? What were your own expectations of the relationship? What caused the break up? Are they with someone else? Has enough time gone by for both parties to think about what it would take to make things work? (MONTHS!!) Can meaningful change ever occur? What could you or them live with or without? The possibilities are endless...But the time comes when you have to make a plan and DO something for yourself....and not just pine away...mope, cry and feel sorry for yourself. There are too many lonely people out there. AND If they broke up with you, then they did you a big favor anyway! Find someone that likes you just the way you are. Each time, I found someone better than the last. And I learned to respect myself that much more. Overall, stay busy...don't contact them...make a plan.....and live the plan. Better days are ahead. Time does heal all wounds. I hope this helps.
  5. Take it from a guy that has been there.....until you have lived through having your heart ripped from your chest...made the mistake of contacting them....NO CONTACT is what finally worked for me. I got back to my hobbies, passions, interests, met new people and got on with a better life than I had before. I have plenty of friends and a new girl is my life. I was just sitting here thinking where I was last year at this time and laughed. I remember all the help I got on this place last year and thought I would check in. I lost the love of my life after 4 years, lost my job of almost 10 years and lost my dad all in the same 9 months. If I can do it, you can all do it! I learned to pray more, find friends, and I got busy LIVING. "Move on, meet new people" my little newphew said.... And from a 5 year old! If you are a person of good character and a good lover as you said, then there is another person out there for you. They will be diffferent. But, there are great new people, just like great new songs. Like driving a car, look at the road ahead of you. Open up your mind and your heart.....and a new woman will be there when you least expect it.
  6. "I've done that. I've tried that. Worked really hard started small changed so much about me. I feel happier with me then I ever was with him but thing is I haven't found anyone to love, even if I did date for a while. It's still hard and sometimes I just feel so lonely what did you do?" That's great! Feels good doesnt it. The truth is....again...I had to love ME first. Sure, I have times that I am lonley. So, I reach out to new friends. Family, mom, sister.....and for me my little girls (9 and 11). They love me unconditionally for who I am. I am lucky, what a gift! I thought about it. It took years to find the few I did love. So, maybe it will take a little time till the next love comes along. Someone smarter than me said that it takes 4 seasons to get over someone. In March, I will have completed my 4 seasons. Maybe then? I have fun. I am honest with those I date. Why not. I am not a pig about it. Others are out there JUST LIKE US. They have had their hearts ripped out...divorced, lonely, looking for a friend...maybe a lover. I just take the chance and believe in me. What is the worst thing a person can say to me? No, your ugly? No, I dont want to be with you? I just move on. NO's bring me that much closer to a yes. Again, for now, it's about me. I am not out to hurt anyone. I communicate what I feel. Are you really alone? Get on a dating sight maybe? Put your picture out there and watch how many people email you. Feels good. You dont HAVE TO date till your ready. Maybe just chat...kinda like we are doing. I have a place in the mountians. (Again, I am lucky) I go up there, go hunting, hang out totally by myself for the weekend sometimes. Really gives me time to freflect or focus on me. When I get back, I call some friends, play my music, run, bike , work, play drums, garden, read, clean up my place, STAY BUSY. Maybe I am not ready to love...yet. Things happen when you least expect it! It seems like when we try TOO hard, it's obvious. When you are happy with you, it shows. You may have bumped in to that special someone already and dont even know it! You might even think you cant stand that one person...and in three months, your in love!!!! Love IS a strange thing. (jump in with both feet. Prepare to fail. dust yourself off and jump in again. You are smarter and wiser than you were before. I guess we all learn by doing!!) But again, blahh blaahbaddy DAAhhhhhh!!!! What do I know.
  7. Contact me??? Yes and no. At first, I think she valued my friendship. She really had NO friends and nobody she could trust. (and never will) and Because of her at the time, I had very few friends. She would NEVER ever call after the break up. Just quick stupid emails...like when we were together....sometimes a few days a week. I thought maybe if we stayed friends....well, that it would make it better....W R O N G!!!!! The more I emailed her, she was still in control of me. I used to sit and ponder on every word! Every phrase! What a fool I was. I finally had to stop. SHE Was like a drug....and I needed an intervention!! I had to stop cold turkey! And I did. At first it was very hard. But, each day it got easier and still gets easier. I think of her sometimes...want to call or emal her....wish in some small way we could share in THAT thought at the time, or share THAT special moment....and I guess I always will...But instead, I just smile...put down the phone and feel good about NOT calling her. It was always me that had to initiate. So, at this point, she would have to initiate the contact for me to ever speak to her...EVER. AND, she knows that she will not be in control. She feels that breaking up with me was for the best....in her own mind. There is nothing that I could ever say or do to change her mind. Her thoughts and feelings are based on her field of experience and what I feel, think and how I would react are different. She was NOT the right one for me...and I know it now. She was selfish, wanted to be totally independent, and feared commitment.....and lastly, knew that she would always come second fiddle after my kids! ANDDDDD....the exwife would always be there in some small way because of the kids. SO, she worked in all out in her head.....another guy (vine) came along....and she grabbed on to him and I was down the road. It was all so logical to her. It hurt her only becuase of the guilt she felt....nothing else...no regrets...for her. blaahhh blaahhh blahhhhh....sorry again. (A great book to read: "He's scared, SHe's scared")
  8. Heartbroken, Chaos, and ALL: Sorry to walk all over your post.....it's been a long time since I posted... because time really does heals wounds.....slowly....and soon YOU will be off of here perhaps and moving on...or just away in a NEW direction. Like many of you.....I was dumped in March...I did not eat solid food for 6 weeks. I cried like a little baby! I lost 20 pounds real quick.....lost my job in August and soon my dad of cancer. I was in sorry shape to say the least! So, what's good? Well.....ME! I had to get busy living....and work on ME. (This sounds harsh but...F-her!) I started to walk....every day rain or shine...then run....then I started to bike 12-14 miles at a time a few times a week. I started to play my drums again and focused on the good things "I" had going. I lost my job partly due to her because I could not focus on anything!!! So what. I have found another job this week. It will get better. It just takes time. I say all this in hopes of just helping ONE person. Just one would be fine. NO CONTACT is a must. Trust me. AND it is very hard. I failed and called her a few times. DONT DO IT! It made it that much harder to heal when I did contact her. She was with another guy in less then a week...and I hear...still with him. SO WHAT! She threw away 4 1/2 years and I did nothing except give her everything. Call a friend, write to someone on here......go for a walk...but dont call the EX! Dont sleep with the EX!!!! Instead....Find another. I have dated quite a few ladies...thanks to some on-line sites. Made me feel like a man to have a woman email me....want to be with me. I used to think of the EX girlfriend every waking moment. Now, days might go by without a thought of her. WHY? because I found out that I love ME more, God loves me more and I figured....if she loved me, then I am sure there are others out there that would love to be with me......Nobody is going to love you until you start to love what you see in the mirror again. Trust me! Do I still love the EX? Yes. I was with her a long time. Would I love to shag her?...Yes and no. But, do I want to be with her? NO! Because it could never be the same. Why should I suffer! My health, my job, my mind....Real love should never hurt that bad! (I wrote down all of her good traits and bad traits....and after 2 months..I had far more bad ones than good ones! lol) Try it. I just figure now, almost 8 months later, one more chapter is closed in my life of 41 years. (yes I might be older than 80% of you.) I shed my skin....and grew a new shinny one. It just takes a little time.... So what do you do???? Think BABY STEPS. Set goals for Y O U. Little ones at first....so that you can see improvement. I wrote a journal of all my feelings. (I have some good material for a few songs! ha ha ha) Take what you want from this crap I wrote....and toss out the rest....but get BUSY doing something. Because soon.....time has gone by....and your sexy smile is back...and you'll be laughing at where you are now. I love you all!
  9. That's a good question. But, timing is everything. I cant predict the future. I dont have crystal ball. That sounds cynical I know. But it really Depends....so much that I dont even think about it. I dont really care. (That's when you know you are "over" someone) But think about....... Look, we all know there are different levels, and layers to friendship and love. Like an onion (Stolen from Shrek) And it depends on how much you opened your heart, how old you are, your experiences.....there is a part of ME that could always talk to her.....but confide, share my deep thoughts.....no. Most likely not. Why bother? Hey, she might know a lot about me. But, I feel that I know her better then she thinks she knows herself. I no longer NEED her now, or her friendship. (it takes time to get to that point) In MY situation, she was the selfish one and needed the change to make her happy. She left me. So, she does not need my friendship. You have to think about YOUR needs and not thiers. (Just like I did!) Listen to some of these smart posters on this sight. They have a clue!!! When I started to figure out that I did not NEED her or anyone......(but the guy upstairs).....that's when I started to heal...and grow...and become a happier person. She told me long ago that nobody needs anyone. Maybe she was right. I had to grow up (at 40 years old!) and learn that I did not need anyone to make me happy. I could make myself happy. If you dont love yourself...nobody is ever going to love you. I like what I see in the mirror. That's easy. I had to learn to love who I am, what I stand for, my values, my desires, my goals....everything. That too takes time and I might truley ever get to the point where I totally love myself. I still want to change some things.....if I can that is. We learn by doing and failing. I failed at two major relationships. one of over 11 and one of over 4 years. The major one that I dont want to fail at is raising and teaching my kids to love, succeed and be all they can be. Tough love. God has a purpose for me. I have not figured it out yet. There is a long answer....You think I might have bored her to leaving me. ha ha ha.....anymore and you will fall asleep!!!! I am a simple fool.
  10. In time.......yes. BUT, that's ME. That's my nature. We are all different. When you share so many good memories, moments, your soul and life with someone for 4 1/2 years.....that is a lot of love and time. Moreoever, my nature is to forgive. I cant live with hate. It's a better feeling to let go....really want her to be happy....if she can ever be truly happy. Think. What good is it to hold anger inside. Healing comes from when you let go and stop resisting. My healing came from when I learned to let go. She left and was never coming back. We make choices, when come to cross roads and we go left or right. She made her choice. Plus, I still have so much love to give and share with some better woman.......she is out there and does not even know me yet. But she is there just the same. Look to the future. But, learn from the past. I am now stronger, older and wiser. True learning comes from failure....not so much on success. Friends? I am no longer anyone's doormat. Trust is earned by deeds done someone more smart than me once said. She would have to work at earning my trust once again. But, although I have moved on and so has she, with me again, I dont turn my back on people in need. Enough of my rambling. Others on here have much better advice.
  11. As always DN, you hit it right. My girlfriend dumped me in March after being together 4+ years. Soon she was with another guy and still with him now. (commitment phobia!) (She does not live with him and neither did I. SHE wants her men whenever SHE wants them around.) Better it ended when it did. These types of people you just cant change....EVER! The key to healing is NO CONTACT. Everytime I got in contact with my EX, afterwords I would sit and analyze every word she spoke. All it did was drive me insane and prolong the healing. 6 months later, I have moved on....dated a lot of woman. Put back on the 20 pounds I lost and built up my body and health and self esteem! (the first time I have been on here in months. I feel great even though I lost my job 3 weeks ago too!! What a year.) The best thing to do is stop talking to your EX and try to keep busy. Work out, read, learn to play an instrument, walk.....just keep busy and move on. If they dump you, they have to be the ones to change and want you. There is nothing you can do. AND why would you? If you ex loved you.....there must be something good about you. We all need to work on ourselves. We all have issues. But, someone else will see the good in you also.......in time....once you heal. You will be better off. TRUST ME! (sorry to walk all over you post about myself.)
  12. I was in the same place for so long till I started going out and meeting new people. Sure, I still think about her. 4 1/2 years of memories. But, she walked away not me. Now, I am looking forward to new memories and a new fresh woman complete with new challenges.
  13. Great posts! I can totally relate. After being dumped in March, I have met several women and have moved on to greener pastures. I dont obsess. Funny how times heals many wounds. I could have died 6 months ago. Still trying to figure stuff out about me. But like you, she'd have to BEG me.....ok well not beg....ok, maybe just ask......well......Oh heck, I'm better off just not seeing her I guess and the no contact thing works great. REALLY! Out of sight, out of mind. Why bother to wait or care about a woman that thought so little of me to just walk away when there are plenty of woman out there that want a great guy like ME! The websights I'm on are great. Trust me. Things are looking up.
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