Road to Reconciliation

[Nappyloxs]

Here is why I come to the conclusion:

 

She seems very interested in recon. Since her roommate gave her basically kicked her out, she has been staying with me. Literally, her roommate kicked her out on a Thursday morning, on Friday she put an offer in for the house. No real thinking or logic behind it. Sorry, but before making a commitment that big, you should really think things through. (aka have money for down payment, savings, shopping for best interest rate, etc....).

 

So she made this decision and knows exactly how I feel about. Seriously, I have never pressured her or really told her to move back in. I told her she couldn't as long as she had desire to "have her own." because I know then she would never be really happy.

 

One thing I learned over the past for months is that you must give and sacrifice. She actually use to do that, but hasn't for so long. During recon, we talked about possible relocation, she said would move if I got another job, but not if I just wanted to move back home (totally hypothetically scenario to see what she would say). Honestly, if she wanted to relocate home, I would seriously think about it, job or not.

 

I understand that she may not be feeling the same way I do, but to not give time by renting, just shows me she really isn't interested in making this work. To me, it is as if she has one foot in the door and one out.

 

Like I told her, in three years, I plan on likely being married and planning child. I mean we have already been together for almost 3 years now. What date for another 3 years just to see where we are again????? That is not what I want.

 

This is the problem with buying the house, I know that in a year or so, we will be living together, shoot after two weeks of recon we are!!! (although for other reasons). Then what, she will have a house? Rent; sell????? Easier said than done.

 

Bishop2004, I don't think I am thinking emotionally I just know what I want out of the recon and she is more just "testing the water." She is the one thinking emotionally, but the emotions aren't about us or the relationship; its about her and what she wants. She is buying a house on an impulse!!!

 

I am not saying I am thinking with the most logic, I actually like thinking with emotions sometimes, shows that I care.

 

Even now, I think I am logical for asking is it really worth it. Another 3 years of dating??? That not what I want, but if I have to do that, why not see if something better is out there?

 

I don't know. This house thing has really thrown a kink in the recon, it really hurt that she could not just rent an apt. for 6 months to a year, so we can figure stuff out in the relationship.

 

Not one person I have talked to understands why, (everyone is glad though, they don't want her moving back in I actually understand her view, but still its just a "want" not a "need" and a very costly "want"

[Ms Darcy]

I think the bold is the most important part. She clearly doesn't feel the same way you do.

 

If the recon is supposed to be a new relationship, it's like her buying a house at the beginning of your relationship.

[jbrooklyn]

I think you are making too big of a deal about this house she wants to buy. Im a realtor and this is a good decision on her part to get a house. The worst thing that can happen is that she will turn the property into a investment property and bring more money into the household if you guys make it that far. You need to let that go and quit looking at is as a selfish move. She is taking care of herself right now. You are not back together and she has to prepare for the future.

 

Anyway,

I agree with the recon process. IT IS A PROCESS!!! Relationships are a process and sometimes we just dont realize that. I know I didnt whatsoever.

 

My ex and I have been going up and down for years now. I finally realize that I was so caught up in what I wanted that I didnt realize what he was saying to me alot of times. It caused alot of problems for us. We just started barely talking. He is talking to someones right now and I feel like some of the reason is my fault. time apart alot of times bring clarity and understanding. When you do get back to speaking to each other you have to understand you are on level 1 ...not level 10 like you use to be. It is a process and you have to remember that. I apologize to my ex and explained to him what i was I wasnt understanding. I asked him not to walk away. He told me....SORRY, I REALLY DONT HAVE A ANSWER FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. I understand why so I just said ok. he could have said.. sorry, i cant do this anymore. So i feel hopeful that we will see

 

If your ex meant anything to you and vice versa, it is worth a try. The funny thing was I was TRULY about to completely give up and he just happen to return my call. WOW!

 

Im just going to keep living my life. I am going to date, get out, and find ways to enjoy life. Im not going to sit around and wait for him. I am happy that at least he is considering it. It is better than nothing

[Nappyloxs]

I think you are making too big of a deal about this house she wants to buy. Im a realtor and this is a good decision on her part to get a house. The worst thing that can happen is that she will turn the property into a investment property and bring more money into the household if you guys make it that far. You need to let that go and quit looking at is as a selfish move. She is taking care of herself right now. You are not back together and she has to prepare for the future.

 

 

As a realtor, would you recommend someone buy a house with no down payment, no savings, and a mortgage after taxes and insurance that will account for around 40% of her net income per month? (FYI, 25% of net income already tied up in student loans and a new car note).

 

Investment property? $8,000 tax credit that the government is given means you have to stay there for 3 years. If it is not your main residence for 3 years, you will have to pay the $8,000 back. Uncle Sam will probably like it in cash.

 

Renters: I don't know many people who actually like to rent out homes. The few that do are actually handymen who do the repairs themselves. The others own duplexes and small apartment buildings. The people I know who rent their old homes, because they bought new ones and could not sell their older homes; hate renting and dealing with renters. Its a business and you must enjoy it and want to do it.

 

Sell it: Easier said then done in this or any market. Where I live many companies are doing "fix and flips." Her house and mine are "fix and flips" When it comes time to sell, basically, either or both of us, would have to "fix and flip" to sell it as that is what the market is demanding in this area to sell a home. Homes not remodeled are not the ones getting sold. (Not to mention capital gain taxes).

 

Investment, NO. Not in the foreseeable future. Like I told her, she could bank money, throw it in stock, bonds, commodities. That is where the real money is and always has been. Having a visible asset, yes it is nice, but the market historical returns 10% yearly, it is still low, and you cannot borrow buy it (you could but you have to be damn good). She could easily save the money from mortgage (taxes and insurance) and throw it in the market and be a lot wealthier.

 

Sorry, I just vent about it sometimes. I have had to hear it for years about people thinking it is so easy to buy homes and rent them, flip them, etc.... It just is not as easy as people think. My best friend said the same things years ago, I warned him then and now he hates being a landlord.

[jbrooklyn]

Sorry I KNOW real estate..been doing it for 12 years now. Seen up and down.

 

Alll I am saying is her buying a house should not be hurting your recon. She is her own woman doing her own thing right now. You seem a little controlling...just a little. I know you are trying to look out for her but your not her man. If her finances are not in order, it wont happen anyway.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry I KNOW real estate..been doing it for 12 years now. Seen up and down.

 

Alll I am saying is her buying a house should not be hurting your recon. She is her own woman doing her own thing right now. You seem a little controlling...just a little. I know you are trying to look out for her but your not her man. If her finances are not in order, it wont happen anyway.

 

I think the word controlling came to mind for me here too. Sorry.

[Nappyloxs]

Sorry I KNOW real estate..been doing it for 12 years now. Seen up and down.

 

Alll I am saying is her buying a house should not be hurting your recon. She is her own woman doing her own thing right now. You seem a little controlling...just a little. I know you are trying to look out for her but your not her man. If her finances are not in order, it wont happen anyway.

 

Not controlling, it really is that she has no money down and very little money saved.

 

I admit I don't know real estate like you, but what I do know is bankruptcy, and people buying things they cannot afford even if they have money, good credit, etc.... Things happen in life. People live beyond their means, people get health problems, People think they can afford everything. I don't think she would be doing bankruptcy, but I do think she would be house poor and complaining. You just have to know my ex. and you would understand.

 

If she had money down and money saved up, I would be totally supportive. But she doesn't. One thing to buy a car, another to buy a house with out any money down. She is going through a bank program, no money down a little higher interest rate and points. I don't know sounds like 2004-2007.

 

Market does go up and down cannot disagree. I just don't see the real estate market really turning around for the next 5 years, improvement yes. But it is still straighten itself out. I live in Colorado. Her house is not one of those really expensive homes. Its a nice small "cottage" type.

 

I can't tell her what to do, I can just give her all the information. Probably could give her a lot more if I really wanted to look into real estate industry again.

 

My whole thing besides the financial aspect of the house is that we have done this before. Broke up, got back together, and moved back in. Last time it took 6 months before she moved back in. This time we are in month 4. Why buy a home? She started staying in my house again after 2 weeks of talking? She is there right now while I am out-of-town!!! I just think it best to give us a few months, move into an apartment, save her money, and if we don't work out, she has a some money for a down payment.

 

I don't care if its my ex, brother, best friend. If they told me the same things she did, I would say the same thing. Shoot, she says the same thing when I ask her about purchasing a new car that I want or the 50" lcd tv for the living. And I don't have either of those. yet

 

Thanks jbrooklyn, I don't mind others insight. The thing that just really bothers me is the time aspect and financial aspect of it. (No money down loans is partially what got us into this real estate mess!)

 

Its funny, I get paid to give advice, and when I give free advice, I am controlling, when I am asked for advice, I am right. All depends on what she really want to hear. (Not talking about ENA, talking about advice with Ex.).

 

I hope your right about the lenders. She has excellent credit.

 

I see one of two things happening within a year:

 

1) we break up

2) she will be living back at my place,she will be mad at me for having a house to upkeep, and I will be the one who has to do the maintenance and repairs, and trust me I am not a handyman.

[waveseer]

I think you need to have a "future for us" talk with her. If you are both truly in it for the long haul then her decision to buy a house will likely affect you for many years to come. If she isn't willing to take your opinion into strong consideration then it makes me wonder if she really sees a future with you or not. Sometimes people do independent things to try and make themselves feel better (self included), but they aren't always the best choices in the long run.

[jbrooklyn]

I just think you need to see her as her own woman now cause that what she is. There is no US right now. Whatever decision she is making..good or bad....it is her choice. You have no control and your input is probably not welcomed either. You see it as a hit to the relationship and I dont. She is her own woman now

[Nappyloxs]

I think you need to have a "future for us" talk with her. If you are both truly in it for the long haul then her decision to buy a house will likely affect you for many years to come. If she isn't willing to take your opinion into strong consideration then it makes me wonder if she really sees a future with you or not. Sometimes people do independent things to try and make themselves feel better (self included), but they aren't always the best choices in the long run.

 

Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

This is what I am saying. I did have the future talk with her. I have told her many times, even during the breakup. We have been together for 2.5 years. I am not in this to just see what happens again. I am for marriage in the next 3 years and possible children. We were talking about marriage before the breakup.

 

It makes me wonder too!!!

 

I do understand where she is coming from. She says I took away her security and safety when we broke up. Funny how the dumper blames you for their decisions sometimes (FYI, She said she was leaving, I said for her to go, she left while I went was in complete different room, and I "kicked her out"). But I still understand her point, but that is why I think it is best for her to rent for awhile. It allows us to figure out what is going on with us and if we don't work out she has money saved up to buy a house. She is just so dead set against renting as if it some mortal sin.

 

This so exactly what I am saying. In the long run this is not the best decision for us as a couple. She can switch jobs, buy expensive cars, jewelry, etc... certain things don't have as much as an effect as buying a home.

[jimmajam]

I'm thinking along the lines of waveseer. If you have talk and you both commit to this and look long term it doesn't make sense to buy a house right now. If this is for real, you should wait and get one together when that time comes along.

 

On the other hand though, I see what jbrooklynn is saying too. I have followed your story and you do seem a little controlling. Maybe it's more being very critical of her or being a know it all than being controlling. Either way it's something you might want to keep in mind and look at yourself. It's hard to notice things about us even if it's obvious to outsiders. Not trying to offend you and as I don't even know you in person, it's just something I've picked up through your posts.

[Nappyloxs]

I just think you need to see her as her own woman now cause that what she is. There is no US right now. Whatever decision she is making..good or bad....it is her choice. You have no control and your input is probably not welcomed either. You see it as a hit to the relationship and I dont. She is her own woman now

 

 

She has been staying at my house for the last 2 weeks; we had the "what are we now talk." Basically, we decided that we are a couple again. So there is an us.

 

I don't have control and don't want control. She is her own woman. But don't tell me you love me, want to be with me, want the same thing as I do, basically stay with me again for the past two weeks, that you want things to work, and then go make the largest financial commitment.

 

Her choices, as many choices, affect others. It is exactly waveseer said, it shows me something when she is not willing to take my opinion into strong consideration. I don't get how it is controlling to have an opinion, state it, and feel that it affects the relationship.

[Nappyloxs]

I'm thinking along the lines of waveseer. If you have talk and you both commit to this and look long term it doesn't make sense to buy a house right now. If this is for real, you should wait and get one together when that time comes along.

 

On the other hand though, I see what jbrooklynn is saying too. I have followed your story and you do seem a little controlling. Maybe it's more being very critical of her or being a know it all than being controlling. Either way it's something you might want to keep in mind and look at yourself. It's hard to notice things about us even if it's obvious to outsiders. Not trying to offend you and as I don't even know you in person, it's just something I've picked up through your posts.

 

No offense taken, I admit I come accross as a know-it-all. Its why I am posting here, I am looking at myself.

 

I talked to my grandmother about it, she basically said it best. I am acting like a parent that wants to protect their children.

 

If there is a relationship, her decisions affect the relationship; same as mine. If we are just "seeing what happens." Then it is no big deal, we'll breakup over decisions and go our separate ways.

 

But if we are serious and making a commitment to each other that we want to be together and are willing to do the work that is required to make a relationship last forever, then decisions do affect the relationship.

 

Yes, she is her own woman and can make decision, but

1) she should know that they affect the relationship

2) as her "man", she should value, respect, and consider my opinion; just as I would hers.

3) relationship is a team, both people sacrifice, give, receive, work hard, etc... You maintain your individuality, but you also are now a team so you also do what is best for the team, even if it may not be what you want.

[tattoobunnie]

She has been staying at my house for the last 2 weeks; we had the "what are we now talk." Basically, we decided that we are a couple again. So there is an us.

 

I don't have control and don't want control. She is her own woman. But don't tell me you love me, want to be with me, want the same thing as I do, basically stay with me again for the past two weeks, that you want things to work, and then go make the largest financial commitment.

 

Her choices, as many choices, affect others. It is exactly waveseer said, it shows me something when she is not willing to take my opinion into strong consideration. I don't get how it is controlling to have an opinion, state it, and feel that it affects the relationship.

 

Property is an investment...until you actually walk down the aisle together and exchange vows, her financial decisions do not have to revolve around your relationship. She could also establish it as a rental is so be.

 

Controlling...no worries dude...I kinda am too. Don't think of it as a horrible thing. It really is a situation, mentality, that people use in order to give yourself a sense of security. You see her house purchase as a move that it's not towards your future, and you're super nervous, cuz then she won't need to rely on you for housing, then you bring up how horrible it would be, all the upkeep, blah, blah...really isn't the case. She wants to make an investment into something tangible. And of course...there is tons of upkeep...but it's her money.

[tattoobunnie]

So if you want your money to be joint, and your financial decisions to be joint...go get married first.

 

Until then...in the grand scheme of things...her money, her business.

 

And yes, you sound controlling...but it's cuz you're wigging out.

[Nappyloxs]

Property is an investment...until you actually walk down the aisle together and exchange vows, her financial decisions do not have to revolve around your relationship. She could also establish it as a rental is so be.

 

Agreed, but the thing is marriage is what I am about with this girl. We have been together for what will be 3 years in March. Rental property of course, but the thing is she will not be putting a lot of money down, so therefore there will be little profit. My best friend's bought his first house, lived in it for a few years, tried to sell it, couldn't, ended up renting it out, made at most $150 per month profit, tenant was a woman and her kid, 2 years later the house was destroyed and he had to spend $5,000 to fix everything, just to rent it again for $150 profit. He wants to get rid of that house so bad, he hates being a landlord, and use to want to do that 10 years ago. Another quick example, my old landlord lost $100 per month renting to me, because she did not put a lot of money down. Renting is a business, not quick easy money.

 

Controlling...no worries dude...I kinda am too. Don't think of it as a horrible thing. It really is a situation, mentality, that people use in order to give yourself a sense of security. You see her house purchase as a move that it's not towards your future, and you're super nervous, cuz then she won't need to rely on you for housing, then you bring up how horrible it would be, all the upkeep, blah, blah...really isn't the case. She wants to make an investment into something tangible. And of course...there is tons of upkeep...but it's her money.

 

Not disagreeing with you about controlling. I make very informed decisions, I research things find good and bad, also I play devil's advocate sometimes.

 

1. I don't want to have her rely on me for housing. I want us to be a family like we were; Her and I and two dogs. I have a house, it is just a material, when she was there it was a home. I want the house to feel like a home again.

 

2. She is not doing it for investment purposes. She is doing it for safety security purposes. She feels like I kicked her out, she lost safety and security in me, totally understand her view.

 

We will be coming up on 3 years together. Living together basically all of it. We did split up for the last 3 months. 3 months is nothing if we are going to spend our life together. But what she is doing is making a commitment for the next three years be on her own (financially speaking; yes she could rent, but when she takes the $8,000 tax credit, you must live in it for 3 years or else have to pay it back; not just own it. Any rental income would be towards paying that $8,000 back along with other costs. Barely any money down, means barely any profit on rent.)

 

Sorry I am a business and philosophy major, a business owner, an attorney, and "know it all". My thought process is corrupted. I think in terms of numbers, laws, and theories.

 

Taking money side out of it, if two people lived together for 2.5 years; one person already owned a home, and broke up. Started fixing their relationship 3 months later. And then, other person, (overnight) decided to buy a home. I would question that couple's relationship. I am just questioning my own.

[Nappyloxs]

Hypothetical:

 

What if I decide to move out of state for 3 years. She gave her input and I chose not to listen. And moved. Would she not have a right to question my commitment to the relationship or recon?

 

I am not trying to be controlling. I am thinking in terms of the relationship and what relationship take to work. I don't want her to move back in. This is were people are misinterpreting it. I am simple questioning her commitment to the relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

This is her lesson...let her learn it. I know plenty about real estate, residential and commercial. This is actually a terrific time to buy. It's a buyer's market within the next 4 years. Let her get the tax benefit.

 

Again, if you want JOINT decisions..."if you like it put a ring on it..."

 

And the way you fish-tail the situation with your relationship...wow...you sound like a bad investment. Shape-up...Poop or get off the pot.

 

So until then...it's all moot. Her life until you make each other LEGALLY a life together.

[jbrooklyn]

Hypothetical:

 

What if I decide to move out of state for 3 years. She gave her input and I chose not to listen. And moved. Would she not have a right to question my commitment to the relationship or recon?

 

I am not trying to be controlling. I am thinking in terms of the relationship and what relationship take to work. I don't want her to move back in. This is were people are misinterpreting it. I am simple questioning her commitment to the relationship.

 

Nappy,

I didnt know you guys are suppose to be a US. Even still, you guys have been having problems and I think she is trying to take control of her own life. If you dont like or you think that this is a bad choice for the future then you are going to have to decide what you want to do. Finances are important in a relationship too. You do sound a little controlling to me. She is a full woman. She is not your child. You need to check that out homey.

[verylonely]

wow..thats harsh. how long had you been broken up?

 

couple of months - no three ........it was in sept. but he had someone new and I didnt know initially...I have just read this thread again and I have gone from this.....no way, no more anything and today I am missing him, want to find a way back to him again arggggh driving myself crazy!!

[Nappyloxs]

This is her lesson...let her learn it. I know plenty about real estate, residential and commercial. This is actually a terrific time to buy. It's a buyer's market within the next 4 years. Let her get the tax benefit.

 

Again, if you want JOINT decisions..."if you like it put a ring on it..."

 

And the way you fish-tail the situation with your relationship...wow...you sound like a bad investment. Shape-up...Poop or get off the pot.

 

So until then...it's all moot. Her life until you make each other LEGALLY a life together.

 

Agree, it is a terrific time to buy a house. I am not disagreeing with that. But one should have money down; more than the 3.5%. and its a bad idea to tie up 75% of your take home pay into a mortgage, car, and student loans. As you know something about real estate, I know something about bankruptcy and foreclosures, there is a reason why its a terrific time to buy and bankruptcies and foreclosures are being filed everyday. Also, I know about divorce law and divorce (although I never been in one as a party, I have to represent them and can see why marriage work and don't work).

 

You only put a ring on it as a symbol; that is what I believe. Putting a ring on it does not suddenly transform the relationship into something it wasn't before. It is a symbol of your commitment to each other and the relationship.

Also, if I put a ring on it guess what; legally speaking, the house becomes mine just as mine becomes hers (at least any appreciation after marriage). Also, she does have a ring on it. I gave her a promise ring (I know its not an engagement ring) during recon. I promised to certain things to her, she wears it today. She can't make similar promises.

 

Nappy,

I didnt know you guys are suppose to be a US. Even still, you guys have been having problems and I think she is trying to take control of her own life. If you dont like or you think that this is a bad choice for the future then you are going to have to decide what you want to do. Finances are important in a relationship too. You do sound a little controlling to me. She is a full woman. She is not your child. You need to check that out homey.

 

Agreed, I am trying to decide. Its not really the buying of the house that bothers me. Its the discussion of a major decision that does affect the relationship. Its the impulsive behavior that she has. As some people will argue, "you're not married." As I said before, marriage to me is just a symbol of a couple's commitment, things don't change because you are all of a sudden walked down and aisle and put a ring on it. It is her money, she can do what she wants, I don't want her money, never have, never will.

 

Controlling? Why because I actually think of the positive and negatives of things? Because I discuss the positive and negative of things? Because I can stick to my position? Because I think long term and short term?

 

Positively speaking, she gets her security and safety that she wants, she has an investment, she made her own choice, if we do get married it would bring in extra income and its appreciation become marital property (something my buddy just told me that I forgot about; but its not something I care about and it doesn't change my position), I know she can make it work, $8,000 tax credit, interest is deductible, its closer to her job.

 

Negatives: read all prior posts. But the one that is most important to me is that it just shows me once again, she is more concerned about her than the relationship. I am sorry, but that is not how I feel relationships should be when it comes to major decisions that affect the relationship. It also just bothers me how she makes decision, impulsively. We have broken up twice, why because she basically just ran out after arguments. She's mad, so the first time, she leaves and signs a lease the next day, no discussion of the argument. Second time, she leaves no discussion of the argument. She makes an offer on the house the same day her roommate kicked her out for us talking again. Sorry, if it makes me questions things about the relationship.

 

She says she planned to buy house, but did not really research things, looking at houses and getting a few good faith estimates is not research to me; nor did she save any money for a down payment. She borrowed it from her unemployed father. Sorry if that to me just sounds like the wrong way to go about buying a house. And yes, its her decision, and yes, I believe that she will make it work, but for someone that cares about her, I want her to see her do things a little better. Be more informed and stop listening to other people, including me. But just make sure you are informed.

 

She constantly makes decisions based on reactions, impulses, emotions, and sometimes what others tell her. Seeing it all over again, it just irks me. I don't know if I want keep dealing with it. I am someone who tries to research, think about both sides, long term and short term. I am not saying the way she makes decision is wrong; but I don't know if its really compatible with me.

 

Some people say I am throwing up a big red flag to me; fine. But to me, it also is a big red flag on her. Its kind of never ending, she has valid arguments for buying it, and I have valid arguments for not too. In the end, it is her decision, but it also affects the relationship in either a good or bad way.

 

The only thing I really asked for in this situation is TIME. Let us figure out where we stand. She cannot even just give me that. Like you said Tattoobunnie, the market is not going to change for 4 years. Houses will still be there, still be cheap. She can still buy her own place, but just give us time to figure out what is happening with us. I am not saying she should not buy the house, because I want her to move back in. I really don't want her to move back in. I have repeatedly stated, I just want time and the best course is an apartment, right now. We have always lived together, sorry if the CHANGE affects me. Sorry if I want more out of the relationship, such as marriage and JOINT decisions, Sorry that everything was going smoothly and we were getting through our problems when she threw a new issue in there. And all I ask for is time. Why is that such a bad thing?

 

This is a forum of getting back together and relationships, and buying a house whether married or not; can affect the relationship and getting back together.

[Nappyloxs]

Just talked with her about it again. We talked about the investment property. Here is exactly one of my issues coming too light.

 

She talked about how she wants to invest it into rental property. She said "your an attorney, you'll handle on the legal part of it."

 

Man, already coming to light.

1) I don't do corporate/small business formation.real estate/Landlord tenant. I could but don't. And she would expect it free, not really a problem but still the expectations are coming too light without even discussing it with me.

2) Next will be "you're a man" aka handyman.

 

I knew this stuff was coming.

[tattoobunnie]

"If you like it, put a ring on it" is a line from a song...lighten up.

 

I don't know...you're now making her sound childish, incapable, and irresponsible. Could it be you're not supportive of her decisions, and weighing all options till death cuz you, yourself don't wanna get married to her?

 

When you say, marriage doesn't change the dynamics of the relationship...um, okay. Granted, I don't have one single friend, good acquaintance or family or extended family member that has gotten a divorce, so I don't get jaded by that thought...

 

But um yeah...marriage does make a gigantic difference. You seem to be putting too much emphasis on this one thing...take a step back. Be supportive, not so grudgy...you could honestly be looking for that one straw to break the camel's back (your back). You're resisting so badly...really screams...If it isn't this, it will be something else.

 

Yes, property is a big deal to someone who's inexperienced. But it's also a risk that can reap rewards. But I think the main issue here isn't the house...it's you trying to seeing it as who's the bigger priority in her life, you or her choices.

 

And you know what...it's gonna be her that's her big priority. And by the judge of it, since you so clearly entered how she doesn't appreciate all you do with your previous post...dude...why are you with her. You make her sound like some idiot who can't take responsibility. And if I'm wrong here with the impression that you're trying to make of her...talk to her...tell her, it's a great idea...make sure she researches things on her own. Work with a Buyer's Broker instead. And let the BANK make suggestions on downpayment options, quanlifiable loans, and go with her to properties, to see perhaps you may want to invest together.

 

And if you can't jump on board, and support her in any aspect with something she really wants to do...that's you dude.

[quirky]

I think something is really holding her back from relaxing and letting go into the relatinship, like being pushed and pulled at the same time. I can really understand how you feel. Remember she was away from you for 3 months and waveseer is right. In her own seemingly erratic way she's trying to be independent because she's afraid of things getting messed up again and her not having her own "shelter".

[tattoobunnie]

Yeah...I know everyone's like, "you're so controlling, and blah, blah..." but I'm the same way...I'd be flipping out with my pre-husband was buying a house in Guam in live in. Haaaa!

 

So...as an outsider, I can see this in your situation, and you don't need to answer me or this post, but ask yourself these questions about her...Do you respect her? Do you believe in her? Do you trust her?

 

Cuz while I'm not in your shoes...all I got is this board to go by...it sounds like to me, you don't. I can be completely wrong...but those are the messages you are also sending her.

 

I think your both while wanting to give it your all, are beaten down, running out of fuel on this relationship.

 

As an exercise...take a step back...if you do respect, believe, and trust her...treat her as such. And if not...is this the type of partner you want for your life?