Road to Reconciliation

[Nappyloxs]

Okay, I haven't posted for a while as I am working on reconciling with the ex.

 

I want to let people know that there is hope. I thought for sure my ex and I were not getting back together. She did not speak to me for 3 months.

 

Well we are working on it and its going pretty well for the most part. But here are some things I want to share from this experience.

 

1) Things do not go back to normal. Alot of it feels familiar, but there is also differences. I cannot suggest enough that even if you are in NC, LC, healing process, etc... You have to move forward for you.

 

See I haven't done that. Even still, but once I come back, I must. In my particular situation, ex. and I use to live together. She made a decision that we won't be living together again for a long time. We will spend time together of course, but not living together. (FYI, she chose to buy a house).

So I must still have a life "without" her; so to speak. Having lived with her so long, I just envisioned living with her again. But the reality is that is not going to happen. So I still have to go out, meet new friends, workout, pick up new hobbies, because she won't always be there.

 

2) Reconciliation is tough. One party will be curious, the other fully in it. I am the one fully in it. I rush and everything else. But I also hold my ground on somethings. She was more curious at first and now she is kind of learning from the experience. I tell her the things I did not like that she did in the past and what I kind of expect from a woman. She still has her moments when she reverts to her past behavior of putting me down, or getting jealous, and some other things, but she is starting to kind of see were I am coming from and that she also needs to change if this is to work.

 

3) Open communication. Be open and honest. We talk about the past, but don't do it right away. It is too hard. Do it a few weeks into the reconciliation process. Doing it right away will lead to fighting. Instead, tell them what you learned about you, the experience, about relationship, tell them the new things you have tried since the breakup. Be honest of how you feel. You are starting fresh to a degree, so let them know what you like and dislike.

 

4) There will be periods when you may question if its what you really want.

 

5) Have fun as if it was someone new!! They really are someone new when they come back around.

 

6) Remind yourself of the things you posted here and wrote. I have said a lot of stuff about me changing. It was easy to think and write about it, but now the time has come to put those words into action.

 

7) Remember the first few months are just a honeymoon period again and that work will need to be done forever.

 

Hope this helps those in the process. I can't tell you how to get them back. I did everything opposite from most of the advice on NC and each of our situations are particular.

 

I don't know if it was the emails, the constant/steady message, she did not find a rebound, or if she simply say that I was actually slowly moving forward. You know your ex.; you know yourself, and you know what is best for you and how your ex. will react.

 

Good luck.

[bish0p2004]

What's up, Nappylox. Was following your threads and I wondered what happened to you. I kind of figured that you may be in the process of reconciliation which is why you haven't posted in a while.

 

Anyways, glad to see things are moving forward for you (albeit slowly) and I wish you the best.

[Psych]

Thank you for posting this.

[jimmajam]

What kind of emails did you send? Just keeping in contact, apologizing or what?

[Nappyloxs]

What's up, Nappylox. Was following your threads and I wondered what happened to you. I kind of figured that you may be in the process of reconciliation which is why you haven't posted in a while.

 

Anyways, glad to see things are moving forward for you (albeit slowly) and I wish you the best.

 

Thanks Bishop

 

I will still be on here. Life has just been a little hectic. Work, Holidays, Ex, etc... I just really couldn't get on. But I will be on for two weeks at least as I am on vacation starting today!!!!!! and ex. won't be around (is that good or bad????).

 

TO be honest, most of the time is good, but there are times when I do wonder if I am crazy. Seriously, some of her old habits are still there and they still drive me crazy!!!

[shamone]

nappyloxs,

 

did the 2 of you decide to try it slow? does she know? or is she just being friendly??

 

basically im asking before you start the reconciling process should you bring back the friendship first??

 

like my ex has started emailing me every 2 weeks to see how i am and im meeting her for a drink after xmas, first time we will see eachother in 3 months (since the breakup)

 

should you bring back the friendship first?? go on a few dates and have fun? is that what you did??

[matador1972]

Genuinly delighted for you mate, keep us posted, seems theres a good bit of festive getting back together at the moment.

 

Christmas is a good time

[OptomisticGirl]

Awwww congrats Napp! I'm glad you guys are working it out.

 

Someone posted above and I was wondering the same thing... what kind of emails did you send her?

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

You were in NC for 3 months?

[Nappyloxs]

nappyloxs,

 

did the 2 of you decide to try it slow? does she know? or is she just being friendly??

 

basically im asking before you start the reconciling process should you bring back the friendship first??

 

like my ex has started emailing me every 2 weeks to see how i am and im meeting her for a drink after xmas, first time we will see eachother in 3 months (since the breakup)

 

should you bring back the friendship first?? go on a few dates and have fun? is that what you did??

 

 

We talked on the phone for a week. She was kind of resisting. I could tell she still cared, but she was scared. So a week went bye and then we met up. Not for coffee, she wanted my advice on something, so I asked her to come over so I can look at what she had. So she came over, and then from there the rest is kind of history.

 

Friends did not work for us. I told her I was not interested in a friendship. I rushed things!! But hey, honesty and following my heart is what brought her back.

 

Also, there was too much attraction at our first meeting that friendship was thrown out the window. She tried to say it during the week of just phone conversation, but then she saw me and she felt everything all over again.

 

You were in NC for 3 months?

 

No, she did not talk to me for three months. She was on NC. The longest I went was 12 days.

 

Awwww congrats Napp! I'm glad you guys are working it out.

 

Someone posted above and I was wondering the same thing... what kind of emails did you send her?

 

Emails, sorry I wrote a reply, but forgot to submit it.

 

I begged, pleaded, apologized, you name it.

 

My situation and ex. is unique (as is everyones'). We broke up suddenly. It was kind of mutual. My ex. also suffers from princess syndrome aka she craves attention from me. Also, no rebound guy.

 

So although my emails were all over the place, they were basically consistent and steady. I changed, I learned from my mistakes, I love her, etc... She actually said that she looked forward to my emails, that she read everyone, and that she would actually respond in Red to motivate herself to avoid contact.

 

I don't know, the email she actually called about was really going to try and be my final one, so I think she may have seen that from the tone and message.

 

We still have some issues to work out. She is afraid to tell her family we are speaking again. And honestly, my family isn't too thrilled either. And with the holidays and us being back in our hometown at the same time, it may get difficult.

 

We both decided no x-mas gifts. And I even said no birthday gift (my birthday is this week!!)

 

I will keep everyone updated. Thanks. I just want to give others some hope and advice.

[EQIQ]

Mind me asking. What was the reason behind your break up? I feel like if the reason behind a break up is because a guy got clingy/insecure, keeping e-mailing the girl is not gonna do any good lol...

[Hopeless1234]

maybe this is a sign for everyone on here for one last "hail mary" throw in terms of a reconciliation with their ex?

[taintedlove]

This is a very helpful post! Thanks for posting and putting some of exact thoughts in text form. I'm in the same process, but on the other side ... but I do feel kind of in the same boat, which I guess is strange....

[OptomisticGirl]

Yea I agree with Hopeless... it make me want to throw one last hail mary in there before I officially declare it the end.

 

Pretty sure I did that the other night, but.... hope is hope.

[ncncnc]

Mind me asking. What was the reason behind your break up? I feel like if the reason behind a break up is because a guy got clingy/insecure' date=' keeping e-mailing the girl is not gonna do any good lol...[/quote']

 

Hey nappyloxs, if you also don't mind me asking, I would be interested in your answer to this question too..

[shamone]

napp, your a star!

 

i know exactly what to do now, im in a similar situation, friendship is definatly not what im looking for, havent seen my ex in 3 months, im going to look as attrative as possible when i see her! i am meant to meet up with her after xmas, am going to cancel and say im not into friendship! this has to work, thanks mate!

[verylonely]

I did the last ditched effort - told him i still loved him, could we meet up, that I had waited a lifetime to meet him and didnt want to let go of what we had. I got a "IT IS OVER - WE SHOULD HAVE BROKEN UP SOONER - NOW LEAVE ME ALONE"

 

 

 

So I wont be doing anything more ever again - have not contacted him since

[hopelessincan]

I did the last ditched effort - told him i still loved him, could we meet up, that I had waited a lifetime to meet him and didnt want to let go of what we had. I got a "IT IS OVER - WE SHOULD HAVE BROKEN UP SOONER - NOW LEAVE ME ALONE"

 

 

 

So I wont be doing anything more ever again - have not contacted him since

 

wow..thats harsh. how long had you been broken up?

[Nappyloxs]

Mind me asking. What was the reason behind your break up? I feel like if the reason behind a break up is because a guy got clingy/insecure' date=' keeping e-mailing the girl is not gonna do any good lol...[/quote']

 

Hey nappyloxs, if you also don't mind me asking, I would be interested in your answer to this question too..

 

So I was traveling for the holidays and hang out all weekend with old friends.

 

The reason behind the breakup??? Good question. Basically, we got old and stall. We did not do much together, just hung around the house, sometimes in separate rooms, she basically said she felt alone. As for me it was her constant non-support and basically complaining about money all the time and also just putting me down a lot.

 

The actual breakup was sudden. We argued over something little and things were said and then it was like we both said screw it, its over. She said she was leaving, I said leave. (Funny thing it is still "I kicked her out." Although she left on her own free will)

 

Update.

 

Not sure what some people mean by the "last ditch effort?" Could someone explain. I did not go all out as I want to sometimes. I just have been doing somethings I have learned, communicating, going out, helping, etc... I did not go overboard per se, I did rush things.

 

So recently the thing that is driving me kind of crazy is she still has the "I want my own" philosophy.

 

For background, we always lived together, since she moved back in May, shortly after she started saying she wanted her own house. (FYI, she moved out in Oct. of last year, argument and the next day she just up and left).

 

So since we started talking again, her Roommate told her she had to leave in the beginning of January. Honestly, I offered for her to move in, but even told her I felt a little uncomfortable about it and thought that it was best if she rents a place while we figure out what is happening with us.

 

What does she do? She buys a house!!! (Mind you that financially she cannot afford it, no money down, no money for appliances, buying things needed for a new house).

 

Here is my problem with her buying her own house

 

1) Its shows that she is making a commitment to her and not "us." Not giving us time to work things out and get things somewhat back to where they were before when you use to talk about marriage etc...

 

2) I understand that it is "new relationship", but what I learned over the past 4 months is that I want a deeper and stronger relationship with her, not just to be friends or date. I understand we are early in the recon game, but still. It shows to me that she does not really want it to work and is just going along to see what happens. She doesn't understand that it takes sacrifices from both of us or she just doesn't want to sacrifice.

 

3) If we continue to keep talking, then she will have her cake and eat it too.

I mean she wants the house, wants us to talk and figure things out, but I want something complete different.

 

4) I total understand that it will take months for us to figure things out. But for her to buy a house now shows me she really isn't interested in making it work. Yes, she has her personal reasons for it, but still. A house is a total separate commitment. One that cannot just be given up down the road. Some people say she could rent it/sell it, both are easier said than done. Also, there are financial consequences if she chose to sell it within 3 years. This is why I wanted her to rent for a while, give us time to figure things out between us, lets her save up money in case things don't work out between us, so that she could actually better afford the house.

 

I just really don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if its really worth it. I mean I really feel like its going to be building over from scratch instead of building on what we had before and just making it better and stronger. Seriously, if I am going to be building over from scratch the next 3 years, why not see if there is something better out there?

[peanutbutterandjelly]

why not see if there is something better out there?

 

 

 

wow nappy, ive been following your story the whole time and I cannot believe what I just read.

[TomboyMS]

 

wow nappy, ive been following your story the whole time and I cannot believe what I just read.

 

That's what I was thinking.

[bish0p2004]

Seriously, if I am going to be building over from scratch the next 3 years, why not see if there is something better out there?

 

I really think you are doing yourself a great favor by asking this question. Your ex is now thinking rationally and not emotionally, which is a bad sign at this point, because you are more emotional than she is. In other words, she has a lot of power and I think she will use this and your guilt against you very soon.

 

I believe you should challenge yourself and walk away now or else you will come out worse for wear. You've done all you can and the balls in her court.

[jimmajam]

 

wow nappy, ive been following your story the whole time and I cannot believe what I just read.

 

I think a lot of people have or will come to that conclusion. I am 4 months out, my ex seems to have little interest in staying in contact or reconciliation. I'm starting to change my mind from I want her back to "she's missing out, lets focus on me and see what else is out there".

 

If she called me tomorrow interested, I'm not sure I would be very quick to entertain her offers.

[Hobbes]

It is getting that way jimm + nappy et al.. So much emotional hassle, so little reward .. and even if you ultimately get what you thought you wanted (and break the alleged 10% get back barrier, which I don't subscribe to, it's much higher than that), you might realise that it just wasn't worth it. Sometimes, despite all these breakups hurting like a mofo when you are blindsided, they have done you a massive favour, despite them not realising it in that way. But who cares what they think at this point.

 

This post is 1% waffle free.

[Psych]

 

This post is 1% waffle free.

Haha I love it.