Road to Reconciliation

[coolchick64]

Wow, Nappy! I'm tuning in late here, but I'm so thrilled for you! Reconciling is no joke tough, but it does seem to get better and better. Patience is key. Very best of luck to you---keep giving us updates!

[jbrooklyn]

Nappy i think you have the problem. I say that in love btw

[Nappyloxs]

I don't know...you're now making her sound childish, incapable, and irresponsible. Could it be you're not supportive of her decisions, and weighing all options till death cuz you, yourself don't wanna get married to her?

 

Contrary to what it sounds like I am supportive of her decision, I have always told her to be independent. And yes, sometimes I do believe she makes poor decisions based on impulse, emotions, and reaction. She definitely is not irresponsible. She listens to others too much (except me, and I am not even talking about this issue). I would be fully supportive if she did it even remotely the correct way.

When you say, marriage doesn't change the dynamics of the relationship...um, okay. Granted, I don't have one single friend, good acquaintance or family or extended family member that has gotten a divorce, so I don't get jaded by that thought...

 

Don't know what you exactly mean by this. Divorce sucks. I never been married, hence never divorce. But being a divorce attorney, I see recurring wishes that make relationships fail. Control, (trust me I am not controlling), independence over the relationship, communication, cheating, etc...

 

But um yeah...marriage does make a gigantic difference. You seem to be putting too much emphasis on this one thing...take a step back. Be supportive, not so grudgy...you could honestly be looking for that one straw to break the camel's back (your back). You're resisting so badly...really screams...If it isn't this, it will be something else.

 

Actually, no other issues have really been coming up. We have been getting along great, except for this issue. There are still some minor things, but we are working through them great. You say I am resisting so badly, but she is also resisting badly, and since we are in a relationship again, I see that as a major issue. And its one of my primary problems, its not the buying of the house, its the talking about it as a couple. (Tattoobunnie, remember she has been living with me for 2.5 years and has been living with me again for the past 2 weeks. So she has already regained some of the safety/security in me again.)

 

Yes, property is a big deal to someone who's inexperienced. But it's also a risk that can reap rewards. But I think the main issue here isn't the house...it's you trying to seeing it as who's the bigger priority in her life, you or her choices.

 

I am not disagreeing with you on a house being a great reward, I am a homeowner. My thing is doing it the correct way. And yes, I agree and that is one of the issues I have is what is the bigger priority, the commitment to the house or the commitment to the relationship. The reason why she is buying the house is not for investing, it is for safety and security that I took away from her. I am asking for the time to gain that safety and security back. She doesn't need to try and "buy it."

 

Also, please remember I am also a bankruptcy attorney, so I solve the problems of people who thought they made enough money to buy a house and then for various reasons, they are filing bankruptcy, whether its lose of jobs, being house poor, living of credit since most income goes to the house, medical reasons, etc.... I look at people's income and expenses every day. I see first hand why they get themselves into a financial mess. Sometimes, it is because they buy a house that they cannot afford, but primary with every single one, it is because they do not save or know how to save for rainy days. I see her income, expenses, and savings, and I can see that it is not financially the right time. (Do you see another problem I have, she expects me to do any legal part of renting the property, an area of law I do not practice, but in the area I practice, she chooses to ignore the advice).

 

And you know what...it's gonna be her that's her big priority. And by the judge of it, since you so clearly entered how she doesn't appreciate all you do with your previous post...dude...why are you with her. You make her sound like some idiot who can't take responsibility. And if I'm wrong here with the impression that you're trying to make of her...talk to her...tell her, it's a great idea...make sure she researches things on her own. Work with a Buyer's Broker instead. And let the BANK make suggestions on downpayment options, quanlifiable loans, and go with her to properties, to see perhaps you may want to invest together.

 

And if you can't jump on board, and support her in any aspect with something she really wants to do...that's you dude.

 

She already made an offer and accept an offer on the house. If it was just searching, planning, researching interest rates, etc.... Yes, I would help her, but please understand the facts of what happened. We broke up for 3 months, she started looking at homes, getting good faith estimates. We start talking about 3 weeks ago. She comes over one day, so we can actually go through interest rates. That is why she came over because I was going to help her go through the loans!!!! (Magic came back that day). Next day, her Roommate kicked her out for talking to me again!!!! Ex. is crying all day, moody, just irrational. She realizes she still loves me, then gets kicked out by her roommate for talking to me. That is a lot of emotions and stress. So the following day, she makes an offer on a house. Do you see why I have a problem with the way she made the decision? It was at a time when she was really emotional, stressed, and upset. Those are not good times to make major decisions.

 

So...as an outsider, I can see this in your situation, and you don't need to answer me or this post, but ask yourself these questions about her...Do you respect her? Do you believe in her? Do you trust her?

 

Yes, Yes, Yes. I fully respect her, believe in her, and trust her. If you read just above, my problem is the timing of her decision; while in an emotional state. (some other ones too). I really do support her buying a house if that is what she really wants, but not her decision. Does that make sense?

 

 

I think your both while wanting to give it your all, are beaten down, running out of fuel on this relationship.

True, its strange, because we actually still getting along great despite my nagging.

 

As an exercise...take a step back...if you do respect, believe, and trust her...treat her as such. And if not...is this the type of partner you want for your life?

 

That is what I am trying to refigure out, when we apart it was "yes,yes,yes." Before I did not like the way she made some decisions, how she listens to others, and other things. Being apart, I thought, "well , she change some things and others I can deal with." Now that we are reconciling, I am seeing them again first hand, and with this major financial decision, I see so many ways that she is doing it wrong, it does make me question. She decided to make an offer on a day when she was in an emotional state, barely did any research on rates, no savings, and another thing that irked me, was when she was making the counter-offer, I suggested to her to get a home warranty, her realtor said "they won't go for it" without even asking the seller. Ex. said okay. B.S. Its a negotiation, you can ask for anything. I asked for so much crap on my house that I did not think I would get and I got it all. Plus, being a women and a newly remodeled house, I think its a good idea. But she listened to him, instead of even asking. Sorry that irks me that she is listening to someone. (again, she did not even know what a home warranty is).

 

I guess I hope for those who read this thread, see how during the healing process, we make are exes. into princes/princess and think everything is fixable, but if you get back together, they aren't princes/princess after some time, reality sets back in, they have changed, you have changed, some problems can be fixed, others maybe, and others just can't.

[Nappyloxs]

Wow, Nappy! I'm tuning in late here, but I'm so thrilled for you! Reconciling is no joke tough, but it does seem to get better and better. Patience is key. Very best of luck to you---keep giving us updates!

 

So yesterday, kind of relaxed a little. This is why I love ENA, getting different opinions and just writing things out.

 

It really is strange to me. We have this issue that we, honestly, cannot even really discuss anymore. But we still talk all the time (I'm out of town). We still get along great if we avoid this issue. We can't wait to see each other this weekend. We still discuss this issue, but it gets us both upset, so we stop. I probably could drop it and just keep it inside of me, but I don't. Not because I want to change her mind, not because I want to control her. I still talk about it, because the thing we did not do before was talk to each other about how we feel whether good or bad. We have talked about how we feel on this issue and as bad as it may appear here in the thread, I think it is strangely good for our relationship. We are learning to talk about issues that disturb us. This was something we never use to do before, we both use to keep things in and kept them just bottled up.

[tattoobunnie]

Why would talking be bad for the relationship...it's about the good, the bad, and the ugly.

 

Though...think about the reasons why you both broke up over the course of time. It sounds like there are fundamental reasons...people can improve, learn to communicate better, learn new things...but ultimately, who you fundamental are, you are.

 

The length of the relationship does not create compatibility.

 

I'm starting to see what you're saying about the house...(granted, telling someone to be independent does not make them independent) you both are not creating common life goals together. But since you've only recently gotten back together, not much you can do at this point, but change your perspective. Just because a person is willing and ready doesn't forego all the hardship and heartache you both gave each other during the course of the relationship. This is the ownership of the prior break-ups you have to accept. She already knows there are no guarantees with you.

 

And your perspective is so focused on "what if" (divorce, the end). Change it. You might actually see a person who's taking a risk, having courage, and can hold her own.

 

But if this keeps bothering you...this might just be the veil covering up all the fundamental things you could never grow to appreciate about a person. This does not make either of you bad or not good enough...it just means you're not compatible.

[Nappyloxs]

Update:

 

Things are turning bad again. Nothing to deal with the house, we haven't even talked about it for a while, until kind of today, but that was actually about something legal.

 

Anyway, she is so negative with me lately. She says she "loves me." But I don't believe it anymore. I think that she still loves me, because she always will. But she isn't in love with me or even trying to make this work.

 

Before she was negative, but this is a little more deeper. I am always some "bad guy." Doesn't matter what the topic we are talking about is.

 

Basically the way I see it is that she use to be a sweet ripe fruit and now she is withered and shriveled. I understand that this is a phase, because of what happened with us. But I really don't like it.

 

She says that she doesn't believe I have changed, yet she says she has. She doesn't believe the things I am doing are just "natural." Seriously, all I have really done is take her to dinner a few times and for a few drinks with friends. She thinks I am basically playing a game or as she says "putting in effort." (Don't you kind of have to put in effort in recon and in relationships?????)

 

To be honest, since I have been back in my old town, I have been hang out with a girl I use to talk to for a year or so. Nothing intimate at all. Just friends now. It actually feels nice, to have a woman actually want to hang out with you; actually compliment you, and actually just have a good time with. (FYI, we have only gone to bars/clubs, and there is nothing I want from this old woman anymore, but friendship). It is funny, because the reason why I don't want anything with this old girl is because she never "gave" anything (not talking materials things). She kind of always expected things. Its why we did not work in the past and will never work. But seeing her again and remembering this has kind of helped me apply it to my current situation. My ex. isn't really giving anything, especially lately. She is just being so negative. She use to be the sweetest woman. Now it is just really ugly.

 

To be completely honest, its like how my mom talks about my dad. She can't say anything nice about him and refuses to believe that he has changed at all. She still has this image of him. They have been separated for 29 years. I kind of understand it because I know a little about their history. (I was only 1 when they separated). My ex. and I history is no where near similar. (aka no physical abuse). I hate my mom still judges my dad from 30 years ago. He is a totally different person from even 5 years ago. He's actually a very nice and gentle person now. (That is really another thread).

 

My ex. kind of reminds of my mom though right now. Everything is negative. She cannot say anything nice anymore. She has a moment every few days now, but they are few and far between. I think part of it is that we haven't seen each other for over a week now. We are in the same town right now, but still we don't talk and haven't seen each other, because she doesn't want her family to know we are talking (another thing that I have an issue with, but letting it go, hoping it is only temporary).

[tattoobunnie]

Ah...I can see where you get your issues with women from. Relax...everyone has some form of good or bad parent issues.

 

So...your ex may just be sick of you. Some people bring out the best, while others bring out the worse.

 

So wait...let me get this straight...how long has you guys been back together this time around? If it's under a month, plus all the house drama...it's a lot to expect for her to bounce right back full blown, gung-ho relationship style.

 

I think this has more to do with your commitment to her as well. People can sense these things.

 

And your mom...she gave your dad a chance...it didn't work out. Your dad may have taken 25 years to change...but are you blaming your mom for your dad abusing your mom? And granted...do you not have people in your past where this applies, "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me..." While I don't really know your relationship between your mom & dad...respect her decision, and in the same token let it be known to her that your relationship with your father is equally important, and she should respect it as well.

 

If your girl was nice before...she just needs time. Take responsibility for your own end of the break-up.

[tattoobunnie]

PS...Your mom can think whatever she wants about your dad. She can forgive in her own time. But she should be made known...that all her negativity towards your dad should be saved for herself, and not interfere with your relationship with your father.

[Hobbes]

My parents hate each other's guts but they've been together for 40 years I think. Don't worry about it too much lol. Thanks for the updates Nappy, takes balls to share I know.

[coolchick64]

Sounds like she's blowing it, frankly. No one wants to be around someone who criticizes them constantly. You know her better than we do. If you think this is not her natural personality, I'd stick with it. Maybe it's a trust-building thing. Try to have fun together---don't let it get too heavy. If she doesn't lighten up, I guess you'll have to evaluate whether she's good for you in the long run.

[Lucy1982]

I wish I'd get a chance at reconciliation... 28 days and it seems endless and I'm rapidly losing hope.

[Nappyloxs]

PS...Your mom can think whatever she wants about your dad. She can forgive in her own time. But she should be made known...that all her negativity towards your dad should be saved for herself, and not interfere with your relationship with your father.

 

She does try to interfere, but that is not the point of the thread and I learned to live with it.

[Nappyloxs]

Sounds like she's blowing it, frankly. No one wants to be around someone who criticizes them constantly. You know her better than we do. If you think this is not her natural personality, I'd stick with it. Maybe it's a trust-building thing. Try to have fun together---don't let it get too heavy. If she doesn't lighten up, I guess you'll have to evaluate whether she's good for you in the long run.

 

 

I don't know if its her or not anymore. Here is one of my theories.

 

Its not her generally, but because of all the things that we have gone through it is her in terms of our relationship (whatever it maybe). She was negative before the break and it continues today. Even today, we were talking about the house and I mentioned how I know that she is going to expect me to mow the lawn and be the handiman. She said "of course." This strikes a nerve in me, because she always has all these expectations. Anyway, I told her that I don't like it. That I never expect her to cook or clean, never ask her too, and never get upset at her if she doesn't. Yet, she expects it, asks for it, and gets mad if I don't do something she wants. Her answer was "well, there are plenty of people who will." aka meaning she will find some other guy.

 

She purposes does that sh&t all the time. Basically tries and threatens me that she will find someone else.

 

So for the update, I am getting more and more tired by the day with her negativity towards me. Sometimes we have good conversations, but mostly its been a lot of negativity towards me.

 

Part of this is because we have not seen each other for weeks now. We did see each other for a few hours the other day and we were made at each other at first, but then everything was fine and great by the end.

 

This recon stuff is hard. At times, I feel like just moving on. Other times I feel like its just part of the recon. I don't know. I really believe she is just trying to have her cake and eat it too and give me nothing in return. I'm sorry I feel like I deserve more than that. I know I deserve more than that. She constantly tries to blame me for everything. She keeps bring up an email from 2 years ago, she just sounds so hateful about us, relationships in general, and love.

 

I don't know who she is anymore. Part of me believes she is still the woman I fell in love with, part of me believes she has changed for the worst and I need to let her go, so she can rediscover her beautiful self again even if its without me. Its not good for me or her.

 

She comes back on Sunday. So I think I will just avoid talking to her for the next few days. Give each other a break.

 

I am worried though, because when she comes back, she will be staying here and everything will feel great most of the time. Is it real or is it just comfort? When she moves; do I stay or do I go? Why should she get everything and I get nothing.

 

Do I really want to start the New Year with this?

 

So many questions and no answers. I'm just so confused now. Do I love this girl or do I love the girl she once was.

 

She says she still loves me, but is scared and feels empty when we are apart. But yet, she also treats me like crap still with the threats of finding someone else. She still has expectations of what I am "suppose" to do; pay for everything, repair everything, and just do everything she wants.

 

She wasn't like this before, I don't know if its a front she put on for the first year, if I hurt her so much, or if this is the true her??????

 

I just don't see a happy ending with us. Not the type I hoped for the past 4 months.

[coolchick64]

Here's a thought. To see someone at her best, she needs to feel calm and safe. Sometimes when a person's anxieties are provoked, they come out swinging and have a hard time calming down. To be honest, she's probably provoking you plenty, too. However, you can change the dynamic if you're strong enough to let her negativity go and focus on making her feel safe. This isn't a permanent solution. It's something I'd try for a few weeks---see if she doesn't get nicer. Then you have a more positive starting point for getting your own needs met.

 

There's a great Al Turtle article on this. Give it a read and see what you think. I tried it during the early stages of my reconciliation and found that it worked extremely well.

 

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