Stunned!

[HeartBrokn]

I recently found out my wife is having a thing for a guy at work. I confronted her the other day and asked her about him. This guy is new at her work and has been there for a few months. She also has him on Facebook account. Mind you this is happening at the time in our relationship where she told me she doesn't have intimate feelings for me and she is not sure what to do.

 

Anyways, she is training him at work and even though she works part time and allowed to work from home, she chooses to go to work 4 times a week. I asked her directly if she is cheating on me, and although she was nervous initially after I asked her, she started to blow it off as the conversation progressed. I also asked her if she had feeling for him, and said "yes but it's only because they are very similar and have a same sense of humor." I have caught her in a few lies concerning her interest for him and the fact that she chats with him on Facebook brings me much concern. She claims that lying is immoral and it's against her character but my trust with her gets broken when I experience something different. I feel she is trying to seduce him and play innocent to get him to make the first move. I also, noticed that she says inappropriate things that should not be discussed between two people that are married. I told her that it opens doors and people are more likely to act.

 

This guy is also married and has a few kids of his own. She claims because he is mormon he would not do anything with her. I don't know what to do. I am so sick of being in this relationship, this is driving me insane and all I can think of is my kids getting in the middle of this mess.

[tictactoe2006]

You need to lay down the law. The connection that's been built is severed right now, or you notify hr.

[cantexplain]

(1) Begin accumulating documentation of this behavior that can be used in court. Do not let your wife know you are up to this.

 

(2) Ask your wife what you can do to re-stimulate your connection and intimacy. Seek advice as you are here of ways you may be able to change that might help the marriage. You can't change her. You may be doing absolutely nothing wrong. She's just got the itch for greener grass which, by the way, probably does not exist with some married guy. Good grief. Sorry this is happening to you and his family.

 

Protect yourself while also doing what you can to better yourself to save your marriage. Hope and work for the best outcome. Get prepared for the worst.

[FreedomRing]

Completely inappropriate. In actuality, FOR the kids, you need to give her an ultimatum point blank. She stops the inappropriate contact with this man once and for all or you're outta there.

 

Women do not like doormats. Get your dignity and respect and put your foot down.

[yonkeehoi]

HB, I empathize. I really do. Perhaps your best path is to figure out what is right for you and your kiddies and move in that direction, even if it means separation/divorce. If you are not whole you must heal yourself. To me, if you suspect it then it's probably real. These situations tend to put off their own vibe that tells all. To confront it will only create a monster. Focus on yourself and becomming well again. Tell your spouse she is free to love whomever she chooses and if that's not you then she is free to go (and you are free to move on). Be well. You will get through this. Believe that you will!

[lostandhurt]

I know you are stunned that the woman you love is acting like this. I was also.

I don't think laying down the law is a long term solution. There are deep rooted problems (real or imagined) that she is using to justify her actions. This is a fantasy for her to make herself feel better/happy. Basically she isn't happy and you are the cause, so replace you with someone else and poof! she is happy. It never works out that way for long because she is still unhappy and the shine wears off the new guy or car or shoes or dress...... get my point.

 

What can you do? She has basically admitted there are serious problems with your relationship even though she is justifying this "thing" with the guy at work. BTW Mormons can and do cheat so that is a bunch of bull. It is time to consider counseling to figure out what is going on with your marriage and what if anything can be done to repair the damage. Bringing someone from the outside will give you both some needed perspective.

Your wife is having an emotional affair. There is no debating that.

I wish you both the very best and I hope you and your wife can find the happiness and love you once felt each other once again.

 

Lost

[cantexplain]

Women do not like doormats. Get your dignity and respect and put your foot down.

This also sounds like good advice.

[preciousgirl82]

I am not married but last year my boyfriend of 8 yrs and I went through a very similar situation. Him and i had been having trouble for a while and it left the perfect window of opportunity for me to become wowed by someone at work. The guy wasnt even someone id get serious with but it felt so nice to have the "butterflies in the stomach" feeling again. I was like a teen all over again. Long story short, i denied my feelings for him to my boyfriend but he wasnt stupid. Eventually i was honest about everything and let him know that i had feelings for him and i also slept with him several times. I let it get way out of hand.

Getting feelings for someone else is possible, but its how you handle it that determines how messy things turn out. If she's having a little crush it can be harmful if she has certain lines drawn but if shes bringing this into your home (e.g. sneaky calls, emails etc) she is totally disrespecting you and it needs to be stopped before it escalates. An emotional affair can be even more hurtful than a physical one (which I HOPE for your sake isnt happening). Just keep gathering your evidence and do what you have to do. If you are unhappy and u think you're being played dont stand for it. Always trust your gut!!! And as far as your kids go, as Dr. Phil would say, "Its better for them to be FROM a broken home, than IN one".

[preciousgirl82]

This also sounds like good advice.

Thats so true. My boyfriend didnt put his foot down so i continued to have my cake and eat it too. He placed no ultimatums on me and i took advantage of that. Nothing im proud of but it goes to show that being assertive is so necessary.

[abouttime]

Definitely call HR is she won't break it off.

[arcadefire]

I wouldn't tolerate this behavior. She admits to having feelings with him, and she chooses to chat with him instead of building a more meaningful relationship with you, her husband.

 

Him not being capable of cheating is bull. ANYONE is capable. She is already lying to you, and if you keep up this tolerance, it will become a pattern that will get away with, again and again.

 

You got to choose how you deal with a relationship like this. Tell her you cannot stay with her if she continues to flirt and be disrespectful to you and her vows.

[cantexplain]

Thats so true. My boyfriend didnt put his foot down so i continued to have my cake and eat it too. He placed no ultimatums on me and i took advantage of that. Nothing im proud of but it goes to show that being assertive is so necessary.

Uhhhh. Hmmmmmm. Yes we all need partners who will be assertive when we get distracted by passing fancies.

 

This is the key to relationship success, indeed!

[Theblueman123]

Uhhhh. Hmmmmmm. Yes we all need partners who will be assertive when we get distracted by passing fancies.

 

This is the key to relationship success, indeed!

 

It's not even that hard to stay faithful, I turned down countless prospects whenever I was in a relationship. It all boils down to a matter of maturity and self-control, some people never develop it and most do later on in life. Woe to us who have to deal with a GIG-stricken generation that prides itself on instant gratification.

[cantexplain]

This guy is also married and has a few kids of his own. She claims because he is Mormon he would not do anything with her.

That this fellow is a married Mormon and is conducting himself (as described by you) with your wife (also married) would worry me more, not less. My first reaction was that Mormons are polygamous, and therefore take multiple wives. So on its face, your wife's contentions sounded even more worrisome. So I googled "Mormons and infidelity" and found this for you:

 

by Veon G. Smith, “Warning Signs of Infidelity” Ensign, Jan 1975, 58 (Veon G. Smith was a professor of social work and director of the Marriage and Family Counseling Bureau, University of Utah. He served as high councilor in Salt Lake Parleys Stake and as a writer for the Adult Correlation Committee of the Church of Latter Day Saints.)

 

"What happens to people who have a temple marriage, but who break the sealing covenants by adultery, with its heart-wrenching agony and divorce?

 

The problem doesn’t occur in a simple process of leaping from the marriage altar to the divorce court. Instead, infidelity is a subtle process. It does not begin with adultery; it begins with thoughts and attitudes. Each step to adultery is short, and each is easily taken; but once the process starts, it is difficult to stop. Professional counselors have learned to recognize many of the “warning signs” of infidelity, signs that every husband and wife should be aware of and should avoid.

 

If you answer “yes” to any question, explore the subject with your partner, and see the bishop or a professional counselor if you feel it necessary.

 

1. Are you getting bored in your marriage? Do you sometimes dislike the company of your spouse?

 

2. Do you frequently disagree about many important aspects of your marriage, your family, or each other? Do you complain to others about your spouse or criticize him or her in the company of others?

 

3. Do you often have negative feelings about your spouse, or feelings of being misunderstood, neglected, or not appreciated?

 

4. Are you frequently alone with a man or woman that is not your spouse?

 

5. Have you developed strong affectionate feelings for someone outside your marriage? ...

 

Children, especially, suffer from parental infidelity. All children are sensitive to the kind of relationship their parents have and attempts to conceal true feelings hardly ever work. If the child is over the age of ten, he likely senses something is wrong and either panics, feels responsible, or develops emotional problems because of the lack of positive feelings in the home. Even preschool children sense a lack of love between parents and become uncertain about themselves and their place in the home. Any degree of infidelity, then, ricochets to the child and affects his feelings about himself, his parents, and the general subjects of love and marriage. Infidelity on the parents’ part can actually affect a child’s performance as a marriage partner many years later."

[cantexplain]

I don't know what to do. I am so sick of being in this relationship, this is driving me insane and all I can think of is my kids getting in the middle of this mess.

I can't get your situation out of my mind. What has been bothering me is any idea of keeping a marriage (with this kind of history) together for the kids. Their mom has been quite overt & flippant about her feelings for this other man. From the way you portray her, she does not seem like she is even cognizant of the harmful affects on her own family. This tells me she might bring more of this or other kind of danger into your lives.

 

As a husband I would be ripped apart inside wanting the love of my wife back. I would also be rather moved in the opposite direction ... fearful of continuing with her even after she lost interest in this particular guy. My fear is her current behavior could be like a parasite going dormant only for a season. My fear would be that her current feelings are indicative of more of the same at some later date.

 

As a father I would be torn by the desire to keep my family together against the horror of what kind of emotional and spiritual danger their mother seems willing to bring into my kids' lives.

 

If I were you: My love for her and my own typical "its not over until its over" attitude would keep me trying. I would listen to the advice on this site and continue to be assertive. I'd wonder what I was doing wrong and what I could do better. I'd try to take responsibility and somehow control the outcome of this chaos.

 

As a distant observer (and hoping others here will disagree and give you alternative views for balance ... because yours is a very serious situation) I think that you already have been assertive enough with your wife. She has been overtly flippant about this situation ... and lying about it. I would take this chaos as signs that your children are vulnerable. I would say nothing to your wife. I would hire private investigator(s) and attorney(s), waiting this process out until you have the documentation necessary to secure your children in a home which does not include your current wife. In your state the other man (or men) may also be civilly liable for the break-up of your home. She may not stray with this guy. But my guess is she will with someone. She may already have. I don't buy her line: "lying is immoral and it's against her character". Anyone who feels the need to say this, in my view, is probably lying already.

 

Infidelity and cheating are merely symptoms of deeper character defects of extreme selfishness, betrayal, and deception. Again, we don't know that physical infidelity has occurred yet with this guy or ever will. But emotional betrayal has. According to you, lying has. And definitely the kids are being put at risk. It is time to carefully prepare the best possible new home for you and your kids without your current wife. The time is now.

[gsxr104]

I agree with preciousgirl82. You need to be acertive and take control of your situation. If she's not willing to respond then gather as much evidence as you can, pay your retainer and have her served with divorce papaers.

[lostandhurt]

Your bf didn't tell you not to sleep with the guy at work so you went ahead and did it? It wasn't your bf job to tell you not to betray him. It was yours not to give in to your selfishness. Your bf trusted you and now you talk as if it was partailly his fault for your cheating on him. This is classic and not uncommon from people that betray the ones they supposedly love.

Lost

Thats so true. My boyfriend didnt put his foot down so i continued to have my cake and eat it too. He placed no ultimatums on me and i took advantage of that. Nothing im proud of but it goes to show that being assertive is so necessary.

[HeartBrokn]

I am so extremely thankful to all of you for your great support. I feel all alone and you guys have been a great sounding board for me. I will throw in another piece that just recently happened to us and what effects it had with our current situation.

 

Thursday night I came home and spent another night downstairs by myself with the little French bulldog keeping me company. She again was upstairs by herself. We have been sort of extra distant in the last few days and I just didn't even bother to go up there, I just could not hear any more excuses why she had other more important things to do. So at bed time I went up stairs said good night and went to bed.

 

Next day I had a chat with a marriage counselor by myself and it felt really good to get that stuff of my chest. I came home and I was very positive because I wanted to suggest we see this counselor together. She wasn't home so I checked the log to see if she was chatting with him again. I started to read and I could not believe what my eyes were seeing. This conversation was beyond inappropriate. Not only did she say he was cute, he looked sexy in his pictures she even went as far to talk about sexual situations and asked him if she should not wear underwear under her skirt to work.

 

She also took many hits at me saying all I cared about was myself; she obviously had some serious underlying issues and anger towards me. She told him, “He thinks we are in love ha ha ha” “I know you want me to take advantage of you” and other heart piercing stuff. So I highlighted all the inappropriate things she told him and after the kids went to bed I sat down with her and started to read the log to her. She was none the less shocked by the event and probably felt the size of an ant. Even after I read that she tried to downplay the conversation and try to make it less serious. And everything she tried to say to dispute the conversation I had something from her conversation that discounted what she was saying.

 

After I sat there finished reading the things to her, I faced her and asked her how she could do this to me after I all the love I showed her in the last year, ever since I came back from my deployment. She had nothing to say so I said a few things and since I couldn’t be around her I grabbed my laptop and my car keys and started to drive so I am nowhere near her.

 

I chatted with a friend for a few hours after that and felt a little better. It was still tough because I really didn’t want to come back home. I also got a couple of calls from her while I was away which I didn’t bother answering. I finally came home after what seemed like 5-6 hours and she was still in the same spot. She asked me if she can talk to me. I told her I was going to be in the garage and she followed and basically apologized for doing that to me and for the first time actually acknowledged that she was doing something wrong. I have not seen her cry about us for probably two years. I really did not want to listen to her but she opened up completely to me saying she did not realize how much she felt about him and had a hunch that what she was doing was inappropriate. I finally broke down and told her how much I loved her even after she did that to me. I told her that feelings sometimes make people do things they would not normally do and we hugged kissed and went to sleep.

 

As of now I really don’t know what is going to happen. I m emotionally drained, I feel very betrayed and my trust is no longer there. I love her so much and I love my family but she doesn’t know what she wants. This morning she told me that it makes her sad (I am assuming because of how she feels for him) and at least this time she was honest. I am sort of in a limbo right now. I know this is something that can probably be resolved with some serious counseling but I am still skeptical and I am moving in two months. I told her I won’t be telling her or a asking her to do anything from now on. She needs to decide if she want to be in this marriage and with that is the assumption that she is going to do everything in her power to try to fix things.

 

Again I sincerely appreciate your guy’s feedback, I feel that I confronted her at the right time and did not let her continue doing that to me. This has got to be one of the worst spots to be in especially because kid’s lives are involved. She said she has broken off contact with him as of last night. Thanks guys

[arcadefire]

HeartBrokn after reading your painful chat log revelation, it brought up the bad memories of how I discovered my last ex's infidelity. Long story short, I too found hundreds upon hundreds of chat logs with the other woman, all about sex, and about timing, and whether I was there that night at his place (some examples include, "[my name] is here" one liners), what they wanted to do with each other, links to porn, etc. It was mindblowing and numbing.

 

When I confronted him, he pleaded and begged, said he would do anything to keep me, said he will stop, etc. But I couldn't believe him. The lies and the betrayal, every single day, was too much for me to take, and to continue seeing him for. Frankly, the trust was broken and I didn't care to fix it with him at all. He shouldn't have broken it in the first place.

 

I have a feeling she won't stop. It has to take a very strong character to overlook her weaknesses. Once she got used to lying to you and talking to him behind your back (and getting away with it with no repercussions), she's a lost cause. Saying she has stopped contact versus actually stopping contact are two completely different things. My ex said the same exact words to me and as a matter of fact continued sleeping with her, after I confronted him with my gut feelings (prior to discovering the chat log evidence).

 

In the end, it's your call. Can you work on trusting her again? What if she breaks your heart again? What do YOU want from a wife? Can she give that to you?

[HeartBrokn]

Arcade,

 

It is indeed very painful, but as cantexplain said it is so hard to make the decision of leaving your kids. That’s the part that is really tearing me apart. He called her this morning to basically end what they were having and she told me she cried while talking to him on the phone. That was probably the most painful revelation. I mean she has know this guy for two months and me for 11 years but she is balling to this guy because she sad they won’t have a chance to talk again. Life is so strange sometimes. I am very sorry that you also had to deal with that type of stuff. I couldn't imagine what you had to deal with, at least my case only was just recently happening and I stopped it before it got really bad.

[mrmaximum]

Take it for what it’s worth;

 

Sounds to me like your wife is caught up in what some refer to as ‘the fog’. Where the passion of her relationships have been intensified to powerful levels. The good that this guy did was heavenly, and the bad, which you have done to her, is positively brutal. When someone is in the fog, reality seems to take a backseat, almost as if this is only a game, not real life at all. Only when you confronted her did this shake her back into reality and show her what she could lose. The issue with the fog is that it could happen to anyone whose relationship has been weakened, and some whose aren’t. Lost had said it well, she perceived that there is something missing in her life and figured that this new guy was the answer.

 

See, quite possibly, she has placed this guy on a huge pedestal; he can do no wrong and is the most romantic person this side of a harlequin romance story. This is where things sort of get sketchy with the fog. He seems this good only because you are around to do the ‘dirty work’. You work and assist with paying the bills, rearing the children and the like. This guy is like “Disney Man”, where you only see him at his best. Chris Rock had once said that when you are seeing or dating someone initially, you aren’t really seeing ‘them’ you are seeing the ambassadors of them. You are seeing a cleaned up version that is conscious of their appearance and behavior to maximize their impact. Yet another reason why it is difficult for ‘old trusty spouse’ to compete with ‘brand new kid on the block', be they man or woman.

 

However, and this should come up in counseling, this is simply a fairytale, a myth which exists only in the minds of her and her former paramour. The ambassador does give way to the ‘real deal’ and usually, that reality is a far cry from the fantasy that preceded it. She may be crying about what this dude represented, she hadn’t seen him ‘fall from grace’ so to speak, the reality behind the facade. She has no idea what this guy would or wouldn’t do if put to the test, how this guy would act in pressure situations. You have been there through thick and through thin with your wife, she has no idea what this guy is truly like, no matter what he may have said to her in the past. Look at some of the other threads on the infidelity forum, TONS of married spouses will tell their affair partners they will leave their marriages, only to leave them hanging when push comes to shove. That is but one of the many ugly realities of infidelity.

 

Just stating my opinion on how some may find themselves in this position. It’s hard to compete with ‘the perfect’ such and such, and the one of the most important aspects in your reconciliation is for her to realize this. I like to call this ‘the highschool scenario’ where one spouse is dating someone who is always fun. Back in those days we never cared about bills, mortgages or kids, our parents took care of that stuff and a relationship was simply FUN!! In this case, YOU are like the parent and this guy is simply fun for her. Yet another reason why it is hard to compete in a situation like this.

 

Am I saying that she was justified in her prior choice? Not at all, and it may help if she realizes that her perception of this man and any possibly relationship she may have had with him has been heavily skewed. I don’t know what your chances are, but there are kids to consider and you are the one who knows more about your sitch than anyone here. Only you know what is best for you and your family and any possible ramifications therein. I can’t imagine what it must be like to ask someone to stop inappropriate behavior only for them to blow you off and continue, what a horrible slap to the face that must be. Can you come back from this? Can you and your wife reconcile? Well I have heard of relationships reconciling after repeated infidelity so maybe there is a chance, only you can decide if it’s worth it. If you think there is something which you can save, then by all means. You won’t know unless you try, yeah?

 

Good Luck and God Bless.

[HeartBrokn]

Mr Maxim,

 

God Bless you, man you hit all the right points. I am a parent in this case and she is the teenager dealing with her emotional needs. The biggest problem in my case is that I am looking at our situation with my heart and little with my mind. My friend who just recently went through an ugly divorce told me flat out, stop using your emotions from now on. I have to pull myself together and do the right thing especially for the kids. Again very good reply I really appreciate the time, and good words you put into it.

[cantexplain]

she followed and basically apologized for doing that to me and for the first time actually acknowledged that she was doing something wrong. I have not seen her cry about us for probably two years. I really did not want to listen to her but she opened up completely to me saying she did not realize how much she felt about him and had a hunch that what she was doing was inappropriate. I finally broke down and told her how much I loved her even after she did that to me. I told her that feelings sometimes make people do things they would not normally do and we hugged kissed and went to sleep.

She got caught. She knows you can share her behavior with her family and friends, her grown children (someday), and legal professionals. She may be willing to break it off with this guy, and feeling pain and emotion toward you mostly for fear of the loss of her children, and revelation to the world of who she really is. Yes, she knows what she did to you was wrong. The poor dear.

 

at least my case only was just recently happening and I stopped it before it got really bad.

"Recently happening" ? ... or perhaps only of what you know. Eleven years? Deployed?

 

"Stopped" ? ... or perhaps only in remission. Or deeper into a closet.

 

Such is just one of the problems with any kind of betrayal, especially those in which one is caught rather than openly revealed. It opens the door to limitless possibilities. I am sure these possibilities will, if they haven't already, occur to OP. That chat sounds pretty bad to me. I mean goodness, that is awful. How bizarre. But it is better to know, I think. We need to know what we are really dealing with in our house.

[cantexplain]

Heartbroken has put his foot down. And he did a little investigating, too. What more can he do? There is plenty more I would have to do.

 

I agree it is better to be from broken home than in one. So Heartbroken can use this as one gauge going forward. Does home seem broken? Is home in process of repairing? (Right now it appears to be.) For me, this process would have to continue until I did these things:

 

 

• (1) Love Her. Communicate with her (listen to her).
   
  
• (2) Continue with wary and watchful eye.
   
  
• (3) Forgive.
   
  
• (4) Learn to trust again.
  

 

All of the above things I could not do overnight. (1), (2), and (3) may occur in any order for me. (4) would typically be the last thing I would be able to do.

 

 

If you think there is something which you can save, then by all means.

and/or would want to save.

 

 

You won’t know unless you try, yeah?

Definitely true. Heartbroken has been and continues to definitely be trying.

[lostandhurt]

Well your "talk" went as good as could be expected I guess.

You have a great many things to decide. Here is a link to how mine went down 222568[/url]

I didn't think I could have given her so many chances but I did. I have no regrets at all. I did all I could and in the end she chose the fantasy and the loser.

 

Go to survivinginfidelity.com and read and read some more. There are parts for the person that was cheated on and parts for the cheater. Perhaps it will help.

If your wife continues to only believe she "kind of" did something wrong it will be a long road to recovery for sure.

MrMax is very correct and knows of what he speaks. Listen to him.

You have been a bystander in all this. It is time to take some control back of your life. Free will is the only thing that will make any changes last. If you force your wife to do anything it will not be real. It needs to be because she wants to fix what is wrong and learn how she got to be where she is right now.

Personally I think you should call this pile of crap and let him know to never speak to your wife ever again. Tell him if he wants to destroy his own family he needs to find another woman to do it with, not yours. Do not threaten him though. In the end it is your choice.

 

Rebuilding the trust will be the hardest thing you have ever done.

 

Lost