Stunned!

[HeartBrokn]

Lost,

 

 

I did exactly as you said that night. I emailed the guy and told him he is a piece of **** and told him since I give a crap about his family and his 5 kids and he obviously doesn't care about mine and the fact I am trying to repair this relationship I am telling him directly to stop emailing my wife and take her of FB. He sent me a message back, apologized and said he told his wife and they are going to work on it. He also told me that he is no longer going to talk to her. I didn't threaten him because that would have done nothing besides got me in trouble.

 

 

On the other note the other day I was talking to my wife more about what happened and the feelings got the better of me and I said both of them are pieces of ****, she got really defensive over him, so tonight she came up to me that she is basically calling it quits and that she wants to stay here and not move with me in two months. She said “it sounds bad, but I have lost respect for you, when you were saying bad things about the guy I was protective over him, and if someone would have called you that I probably would have agreed with them” Deep words by my wife. I know most people are asking me are you out of your mind? Who would want that type of abuse? I am just so committed after 10 years in this relationship. It feels like a huge chunk of me is getting ripped out.

 

I’ll be honest my heart is shattered right now. I came down stairs to tell my kids and we just cried there for an hour I just could not help myself. I felt so weak in front of them wanting to show them how deeply I cared for them and at the same time I did not want to upset them so bad. After all the things she has done to me I would have no issue closing her out but having my beautiful babies out of my life really keeps my mind all jacked up.

 

I mean I am trying to save this marriage for the sake of the kids and also because I know we can fix this in the long run, but her lack of emotion is killing me inside. I wish there was an emotion kill switch, so I can start using my brain instead of my heart so much.

[Sanesoul]

She was protective over the guy? That's pretty low. She hurt you, she was emotionally cheating at the least, and now she blames you? I'm sorry, but this is a good sign that she wanted out of the relationship before all this and is using any chance she can to make herself feel better about ditching you and uprooting your kid's lives. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you are going through all this, and I hope you have people close to you that you can go to for support.

[mrmaximum]

I have to say that this news is very saddening, I am so sorry for what you are your kids are going through right now. At this point your wife doesn't really understand what she is throwing away, and if gone to far, will most likely live to regret these actions. However, do yourself a favour and stop beating yourself up, this wasn’t your fault, you did not cause this. I bet money you are thinking to yourself about the past, second guessing anything and everything which may have avoided this moment.

 

“If only I had done more of…”

 

“If only I had done less of…”

 

This is self defeating and will only wind you up worse than you already are HeartBrokn No marriage is perfect, they will all suffer some ups and downs as the years progress, you weren’t the one to step out, okay? Let me repeat that so you can understand this concept

 

YOU WHERE NOT THE ONE WHO STEPPED OUT AND COMPRIMISED THIS MARRIAGE

 

When people in successful LTR’s suffer setbacks, they regroup and redouble their efforts as a team, not go out and try to solve the issue of termites in the kitchen by blowing up the whole house. Stop blaming yourself for someone else’s choice, what could you have done? Retrospect is 20/20, it’s always easier to fix the past AFTER it’s already happened. From the sounds of it, she is still deep in the fog, and at this time is unwilling to let it go. The sad thing is that the Fog not only skews reality, it also serves as a defense mechanism, shielding the WS from the destruction they have caused.

 

So long as you are the bad guy, she doesn’t have to look at what she has done.

 

Some people de-fog quite quickly, others take much longer, and others still never come out of it. I sorry to drop these bombs on you, but you are the one who is here seeking help and still has their head on straight. You are the one who is thinking about the future of your and your kids. Someone has to be the hero for those kids; someone has to be the rock in this tumultuous time. Lost offered you a website, (as wells as some very good advice, affairs thrive in secrecy) go there and get some assistance in this area, they are more specific than we are here. There is a dude there named SerJr, read EVERYTHING he has to say, the man is brilliant.

 

Remember, you are human; the emotional roller coaster you are on would weaken even the heartiest of people. You don’t just throw away 10 years and blink as if you have turned off a movie. If anyone ever has the right to cry, or get emotional, is a person who has experienced what you have. Don’t get down on yourself for being human, we all are on this spaceship we call earth.

 

So you got a little upset and called your wife and her boy toy a name as you where talking. PUH-LEASE…. While it may not be the best idea to engage in such behavior, well….read the paragraph above. Sometimes it’s very hard to control oneself when those emotions start raging inside. I have to wonder what she expected. Well, no matter, go the site suggested; read up on something called the 180, this will assist you in your healing process.

 

That’s right I said YOUR healing process, not the one between you and your wife. Get out and enjoy life (as much as it seems like an oxymoron right now, it will be more beneficial for you than staying at home and stewing in frustration.) Spend time with your kids, your friends and family. Take up new hobbies; join a martial arts class, go to therapy to better yourself, anything you can to get your mind of what’s going on. At the very least, you may have to forge a new relationship with your wife; if the day comes when you are no longer married, you will then simply be the mother and father of your kids. That can be hard, but is essential for your kids to see that no matter where you go, their mom and dad are there for them.

 

This may be the end of your marriage (and you really never know, she may come back, but do not wait for her) but this isn’t the end of you.

 

Good Luck.

[ohemgee]

Thats so true. My boyfriend didnt put his foot down so i continued to have my cake and eat it too. He placed no ultimatums on me and i took advantage of that. Nothing im proud of but it goes to show that being assertive is so necessary.

 

I think you had your cake and ate it too because you're selfish, not because your boyfriend didn't put his foot down...

 

Since when does a partner need to "put their foot down" in order for their partner to not cheat?

[lostandhurt]

Well once again MrMax beat me to the punch and put it way better than I ever could. Wise words friend.

 

Okay this is how I see it.

You like me didn't want to get a divorce but basically have no choice now as she has made hers.

What to do now?

1. If you leave will you take the children with you?

2. Can you accept the person she is now? It isn't easy.

3. Will you consider getting into therapy just for yourself? Please!

4. Do you have a very close friend to bounce everything off of BEFORE you do or say anything to her?

5. Are you willing to accept the fact that at the very worst you are no more than 50% at fault for the death of your marriage. (I see it at maybe 20% tops)

 

Finally I would like you to google "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" It may help you understand that this is not unique in any way and you are but one of many.

 

You can PM me anytime you wish. I will help all I can.

 

Lost

[HeartBrokn]

Insane Heart thanks for the kind words,

 

MrMax and Lost God bless you, you guys through so many great words have become my good friends. I sincerely really appreciate all you guys have done to help me out. I went to a marriage counselor with my wife, I felt in some ways that although it didn't really snap her out of the fog, it sort of sent a signal that she might have to get some issues worked out before she can begin to work at our marriage. I ll keep you guys updated with any changes. Again I am so thankfull to have good friends on here to give me a helping hand. God Bless

[mrmaximum]

Insane Heart thanks for the kind words,

 

MrMax and Lost God bless you, you guys through so many great words have become my good friends. I sincerely really appreciate all you guys have done to help me out. I went to a marriage counselor with my wife, I felt in some ways that although it didn't really snap her out of the fog, it sort of sent a signal that she might have to get some issues worked out before she can begin to work at our marriage. I ll keep you guys updated with any changes. Again I am so thankfull to have good friends on here to give me a helping hand. God Bless

 

We are here when you need us, to rant, for help of whatever. That is what we are here for, yeah? Please remember one thing;

 

Not all superheroes have capes, get it? some of the strongest look like everyday men and women, yeah? Stay strong, think about you and your kids, that is all you need to do at the moment. My mother and my sister are one of my heroes to this day for what they did when I was only 8 years old. Do not discount what you do, even at this time, okay?

 

God Bless

[Metallica Lightning]

I really cannot believe what I have just read.

 

Heart,

You need to end this marriage. Your wife doesn't respect you, and you are digging yourself and your family into a deep, ugly hole by staying in this marriage. I would send all of the evidence to an attorney asap, and then file for divorce as soon as you can. You need to be quick about this. It's always better to come from a broken home than to live in one. I'm divorced myself, and although infidelity played no part in our divorce, it was a strain on our children to keep them in an enviornment where my ex wife and I didn't have a relationship at all.

My daughter recently cheated her fiance, her reasons in justifying it were "I'm not going to be like Mom and not do anything about it."

 

I don't think you want this to happen to any of your children.

 

Cheers,

Kane

[HeartBrokn]

We actually talked today and she is basically asking for a legal separation. We were both civil talking about how we are going to split everything up. It's difficult to hide my feelings, and every once in a while I would do a ... man what if moment, about how this one day can work out with her... It's tough to be on this end of the brake up. It seemed like it happened so quick for me, and really unexpected. What bugs me is after all the stuff that happened I still have feelings for her, and she doesn't seem to have any for me.

 

I think deep down inside that she is just in a fog as some guys posted and she is not able to really see "us" I sometimes think I am delusional and trying to hold on to something that is not there, but I know what she is going through because I went through a similar situation in my life few years ago. Still this split, then move by me is going to be really the end of the road I think. Since distance is going to split us apart, we will most likely move apart and go separate ways for good. Life can be a * * * * * .

[HeartBrokn]

Kane, did you guys have a bad divorce? I am also affraid of the impact our relationship has had for the kids. I am going to be the loving supportive dad as long as it takes for my daughters to be good people. It's just so hard being that I am going to be states away.

[Metallica Lightning]

Kane, did you guys have a bad divorce? I am also affraid of the impact our relationship has had for the kids. I am going to be the loving supportive dad as long as it takes for my daughters to be good people. It's just so hard being that I am going to be states away.

 

The divorce itself was actually pretty painless outside of what it did to our kids. My ex wife and I still communicate today on good terms, and did a good job of collaborating on raising our kids during their High School years. But, the divorce needed to happen. We only really got married because...Well, I'll be honest, because of a one night stand disaster at a party. We had absolutely nothing in common. Not only were there religious differences, (She thought she was God, and I didn't No, kidding. She is LDS, I am a nonpracticing Christian.) but we couldn't enjoy anything at all together. I love motorcycles, and guitars, and she hates both of those things. I liked Clinton, she liked Dole...You get the idea. Something had to be done. We didn't have an intimate moment but only a few times during our marriage.

 

Trust me, you may be bringing your kids into a broken home, but it doesn't make you any less of a father, or a man. Infact, you're showing the kind of man you are by standing your ground.

 

Kane

[HeartBrokn]

Thanks Metal, I guess with us it's a lot of not having things in common to also at the same time having a lot of things in common. It's kind of a weird way of saying it. I guess the things we share we are very compatible on and then there are other things like religion, traveling etc that we are not. My whole beef with this whole mess is that she waited until 10 years into our marriage to check out.

[lostandhurt]

Well friend,

She has made her choice and now it is time for you to accept what will be. There is no snapping her out of anything! It does not happen very often or at all. Did you look up what I asked you to? It will help you understand.

 

Legal separation: Be careful what you agree to. These things often turn into the final agreement real easy. If the judge sees you gave up this or that right off the bat and things are running smoothly then they just might tend to leave them that way. This mean any custody arrangements as well. Do what is best for you and your children. This separation will keep you from removing your children to another area or state. You will have to stay put to be with your children. Next, make her move out. There is no reason for you to leave. She chose this and she can start her new life from scratch.

 

Run everything you do by someone. You are not thinking clearly right now and are bound to give more than you should.

 

Be careful

Lost

[HeartBrokn]

Thanks as always lost, I agree with you. I approached her tonight and told her I want to make it official and not drag this think longer then it needs to go. It is her intentions of not wanting to give this thing a second chance so I am not going to hold on to false hope. My dad is giving me a lot of advice, and I am thankful for him.

[cantexplain]

It is her intentions of not wanting to give this thing a second chance so I am not going to hold on to false hope.

In your state are you required to legally separate prior to divorce? Has she submitted any papers to sign? Have you spoken first to an attorney about your best strategy going forward to seek your and your children's best interests?

 

I'd rather my attorney prepare papers than hers.

 

I would feel uncomfortable about exposing my children any more than necessary to a household potentially rife with adulterous fantasy. Your wife should be through her current phase of courting married men if she is to be an appropriate parental example, in my view.

[cantexplain]

P.S. Whatever you don't give her you can always later give back. Put your oxygen mask on first, I say.

[Metallica Lightning]

I will be sure to say this:

 

PLEASE show your wife's chat log to an attorney. Something about this situation makes me think that this b-tch will try and get undeserved alimony, or some kind of of thing in which she will be ripping you off. You must be vigilant in this. Your only obligation now is to your children, not to that slag of a woman.

[HeartBrokn]

Metal,

 

Our divorce is unfortunate but it needs to happen. Since we are civil so far and she is not taking me to the bank, I am not going to do anything to provoke her. It's really best for the kids if we don't go at each other’s necks. I have to swallow my pride a lot on this but hey what can I do? I sound like I am throwing in a towel, but bottom line I want to move on with my life without having major financial effects on my kids. Thanks for advice though.

[Metallica Lightning]

Metal,

 

Our divorce is unfortunate but it needs to happen. Since we are civil so far and she is not taking me to the bank, I am not going to do anything to provoke her. It's really best for the kids if we don't go at each other’s necks. I have to swallow my pride a lot on this but hey what can I do? I sound like I am throwing in a towel, but bottom line I want to move on with my life without having major financial effects on my kids. Thanks for advice though.

 

No problem. You are a brave man, divorce is a nasty thing, and even though mine was easy, it was still hard. I just feel so agitated because your wife seems to be so selfish in her reasonings to not even consider her own children. Sorry for the aggrivating post.