The Break

[greywolf]

The problem with talking to him though is that you're spending time on him, that you could be spending on trying to find someone else. You get what I mean? As long as you can go through with it and not later on regret it and feel like you've wasted your time, then I think it's ok.

[CAgirl]

The problem with talking to him though is that you're spending time on him, that you could be spending on trying to find someone else. You get what I mean? As long as you can go through with it and not later on regret it and feel like you've wasted your time, then I think it's ok.

 

Yeah, I agree. I am losing a bit of time, but I also am not really looking for a relationship. I just kinda hoping it will come to me. I'm mostly focusing on not having flings with people and if that means being alone then I'm okay with that.

[CAgirl]

Well last night I was drinking with my roomies. It was fun but then I hung out with my friend, S. He lives in the room directly above me. I was so drunk when we hung out that we ended up making out. I know he made the first move. It kinda makes me upset because I was looking forward to having a guy who was my friend and not wanting to hook up with me. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself. And he left a hickey on my neck which makes me feel like I am in high school. Ugh. I shouldn't drink around boys anymore. -__-

[CAgirl]

My Dad said something to me once after I was broken up with for the first time and completely devastated. He said, "J is not any different than any other [guy] that will leave you at the drop of a hat." He didn't say "guy" but you get the idea. At first I didn't understand it but then I've been thinking it applies to so many people that I know or guys that I've been with. They are no different. They don't stand out. They are not special. They will leave me at the drop of a hat.

[CAgirl]

I am very tired. We stayed up too late last night watching True Blood and just talking. I am so behind in my 19th century American Lit class. I am so angry that I didn't get the book on time. I am so dumb. It's annoying really. I will just have to go to class on Monday and face the music. I have to go to the library today and pick up some books. I am nervous about the research portion of the whole thing. I will have to text someone to figure out what is going on. I guess I should look up some articles. Boo I don't really know what to do. My mind is spinning. I wish I could drop the class. I can't. I just checked. I am watching a movie and just chilling out. It's nice. I don't really have any homework I don't think. -_-

 

I wish I had more time to hang out with my friends. I need to build better relationships with the people who are the most important to me. My Dad's birthday is next weekend. I don't think that I can go. I don't have enough money. I gotta pay my bills and that will take up all of my paycheck. Ugh. Maybe I can just pay half of my phone bill. I am thinking of buying a plane ticket to Seattle...Carpe Diem right?

[CAgirl]

Dates make me nervous. I don't like to feel indebted. I don't know him very well. I shouldn't go.

[CAgirl]

Well there have been a lot of things going on. First of all, I went to my coworker's bday party and there was this guy E I also work with there. I am attracted to E and I got wayy too drunk and hit on him and even tried to kiss him. -_- He backed off and didn't kiss me because he said he only kisses girls that he goes all the way with but that he was attracted to me. Needless to say, it was really embarrassing when he shut me down. I acted normal at work. That was last weekend. On Thursday, he invited me to a party. Last night, he picked me up and it was really fun even though I don't know anybody there. I met quite a few people. He didn't go out of his way to touch me but he kept trying to sling his arm around my shoulder which is a little difficult since I am so tall. He grabbed my arm fat which is awkward. He said he liked my dress. On the way back, he was too drunk to drive so his roommate drove us. He dropped a cigarette in my coat pocket. I was sitting on his lap and he touched my legs...We weren't really holding hands. It was basically his arms around me like a seat belt. I requested he walk me back but he told me I could make it back myself. I pleaded a little for him to come back with me to my room and he said "Not tonight" So yet again I've been shut down. I don't really understand it. It confuses me. His phone got stolen so I haven't been able to talk to him. I sent him a facebook message thanking him for inviting me. No response. I assume he went home. I guess I'll be seeing him next week during work. Oh goodness. I am so tired. I drank a little too much as usual. At least I didn't try to kiss him again.

 

I am going to see N is less than two weeks. It's very nerve-wracking. He has been distant as well. All of this just makes me think that I'm the girl that guys just want to have sex with and not a relationship.

 

I had to borrow money from my parents to pay for my phone bill. It makes me feel really bad. I feel guilty. I am not ready to leave my college. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I need help. More than anything I need help. I am scared. I need to get my life in order. I need to find direction. I want to like someone.

[thejigsup]

Don't look for sex and then the guys will see you in a different light. Now, I've never been one to play games, if I want to sleep with a man, I do. If they never call again, I don't really care If they do, good. But, you are giving that same aura off when what you really want is a relationship and IT DOES matter to you what these guys think. If you want a relationship more than sex, don't give the guys ideas that you are all about sex. That doesn't work until guys grow up and quit seperating sex from love. It takes them some time, believe me. Most don't get to that point until their thirties or thereabouts. Until then, cool it on the making out with a guy right away if what you really want is a relationship.

[CAgirl]

GUESS WHO'S BACK?

 

Haha me. Sorry, it's late and I am a little loopy. I have class in the morning and I've been really dealing with the struggle of being a "graduating senior" that will return in the fall who is juggling four classes, a softball team, a tutoring job, and drama with friends and family hardships. It hasn't been easy. I cried today and really felt sorry for myself. I don't really know what has come over me. I'm so busy but I have a hard time making myself happy. I look in the mirror and there are so many things about myself that I want to change. I don't know. I really want to get my Master's degree and to be successful and to make my parents proud but I really don't earn enough money tutoring. I don't know what I am going to do over the summer. Life is so very confusing for me right now. All I know is I have to keep going and roll with the punches. Speaking of punches, I am taking a kickboxing aerobic type class that is so amazing. I am so sore! I need to work out more. Anyway, I am here. I am okay.

[CAgirl]

Here I am alone on Good Friday. The sad thing is that I may spend Easter weekend alone in my suite. I know one of my roommates is here but I don't want to talk to her. I want to sit in isolation. I am alone. I've been alone for a while. Even in my previous relationship he went to a college that was two hours away. I haven't had a relationship where I saw them everyday for four years. Time really flies. I feel that I am not improving myself. I'm bed hopping but not looking for quality men but rather quality sex. Is there something wrong with that? I don't really think so. I'm only 21 although I will be 22 in three weeks. I just feel that I need to be really independent and happy with myself before I even try to date anyone. I get really nervous and full of angst at the thought of a one on one situation with a guy. I prefer hooking up. It's less effort and nobody's feelings get hurt. Well, nobody but mine. However, I am strong and I always pick up and move on. Here I am. I have a family who loves me. I have amazing friends. I have a job I love. I am going to be graduating with a degree in English Education. I have future plans to get my Masters degree. I want to be there for my parents and my siblings. I want to build a family foundation with my sisters and brother so that we'll be one of those families with the huge extended family. The only thing that is missing from this picture is having a family of my own someday. I want to have the love that my parents have. I want to be able to put my children first and raise them in a world that will make them happy and make them strong. The very thought of losing anyone close to me shakes me to the core. I want my parents to help me raise my children and offer advice and wisdom. But I'm still a baby at 21 years old. They take care of me and I am not standing on my own two feet. I want to be independent but I don't like being alone. This has turned into a mindless rant and musing. I miss myself sometimes. I never sing or laugh and get butterflies anymore. I am scared that I will never feel passionate, psychotic love again. I am dull, stale, used up, and all I have to offer is shame and secrets. I am not sure anyone can really love me for who I am. Can they love the girl who screamed at the top of her lungs for thirty minutes at a time when things didn't go her way? I'm not sure I have any pride left. I try so hard to be strong but I really think that deep down I'm so weak. I just can't face it. I don't try. I could do better. I could be better. I could be more smart but I not. I am content to be average to obtain the minimum. Do I need help? Maybe, but who could help me? Who could understand? I don't even understand. How is somebody else supposed to? I have to do it alone. I have to walk alone. I used to visit my best friend at night. Sometimes I'd have a flashlight but most of the time it was just me and the darkness. Alone. I'd be so scared. This is how I feel right now. I'm walking down a dark hill at night and I don't know what is out there or if I'll ever get a flashlight to guide my way. Forgive my cliche analogy but there is real emotion behind this. I'm sad and scared most of the time. I've been beaten down by life and I'm losing confidence. I am ashamed of myself. I have made the wrong choices and I am operating on Plan B. Why couldn't it have been me that cut my hand? I don't need it. I'm so sorry brother. I am so sorry Dad. I am sorry sister. I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I am sorry sister. I never meant to say those things. I'm so sorry Mom for al those times and all those things. Suffering is good for me. I just wish that you could have the things you want. I never wanted you to go without but I'm so selfish and I make you go without all the time. I just want to make you proud of me. But look at me. I'm crying in my college suite alone at 11pm on a Friday. I feel like I'm a sophomore in college all over again those nights that I would cry after my roommate went to sleep. I had no way to get to anywhere. I am alone.

[CAgirl]

WARNING: Roommate rant

My roommate has a crush on a guy from our intramural softball team. He is a twin but she seems to be taking her chances and "talking" to both of them. By talking, I mean that she is texting them. (We have everyone's numbers on the team) It's just so frustrating to me because she is so shallow. The only reason she is talking to J more (one of the twins) is because he is taller. We've only known them for a couple of weeks. She doesn't even really know him that well. All we know is that he is more shy than his brother. They are both in her Psychology class. They had to watch a movie in place of going to class on Thursday. She asked both of them to watch it with her but they both politely refused. Now she has been texting J almost everyday. He responds but I don't really understand. The reason why this bothers me is because this cycle has been happening all school year. She likes a guy. She overwhelms him with text messages, invitations, ect. The guy stops talking to her or says they just want to be friends. She gets angry and bitter and makes it seem like they are the worst people in the world. Every single guy that she has liked this past year she now calls "a-hole" or some sort of insult. I just don't understand why she gets mad at a guy who doesn't like her.

 

Now, here is the bad part. It's that I kind of have a crush on J too. It feels wrong to talk to him but I've been chatting with him on facebook too. I don't really know what to do. I want to keep talking to him but I know that there is no chance that my roommate would understand.

[CAgirl]

I don't feel pretty most of the time. I feel like I am too fat. I have no prospects. No one to talk to.