The Break

[thejigsup]

Real, adult, life takes money. It's not romantic, but it is the truth. You haven't had to support yourself yet, so I know you don't understand. The most important things you will discuss in marriage or live-in relationship are #1. Money, and #2. The Kids. Not much romance in real life, sad to say. That is why I like being single. Still, money is soooo important. Listen to him when he talks about it. It has to be discussed.

[CAgirl]

Real, adult, life takes money. It's not romantic, but it is the truth. You haven't had to support yourself yet, so I know you don't understand. The most important things you will discuss in marriage or live-in relationship are #1. Money, and #2. The Kids. Not much romance in real life, sad to say. That is why I like being single. Still, money is soooo important. Listen to him when he talks about it. It has to be discussed.

 

I do listen. In fact we discussed it last night. I really just hate money and that he is so stressed out over it. I wish it didn't exsist. Ahh well. I am making the best of the situation and I feel slightly better about it.

[thejigsup]

Yeah, I wish it wasn't such a big deal, too. I know what you mean there. But it is. And we have to deal with it. He sounds like a nice guy, though. I wish you both the best of luck!

[Jd1983]

He offered to pay for my train tickets to come and see him since it was "cheaper". I said No. I may be poor but I have my pride. I don't let him pay for everything for me in fact we take turns and sometimes I will treat him or let him treat me or we will have separate bills.

 

Sweetheart, sometimes it's not about pride. It's about making things work for each other. I'm sure he didn't mean any harm by offering to pay for your train ticket, he is just be logical that's all. It's actually a win win situation if you think about it. 1) He gets to see you 2) It is helping his financial situation.

 

Am I just an investment now?

Trust me, money is very important whether it be in life or in a relationship. It's actually a means for survival.

 

I know exactly how you feel because my bf and I are in a long distance relationship. We only get to see each other on the weekends and even then it's affecting his wallet. He has to pay for gas and tolls to and fro each time he comes to see me. Along with having all the other bills that he has to pay for. I would go and visit him if I wasn't so scared on driving, but every so often I would offer to pay for his gas and when he is short on money, I never hesitate to spot him. I know this hurts his pride, but sometimes we have to do what we have to do. Don't get me wrong, when he has money he would pay for me.

 

I know he is an economics major but this is taking it a little too far? I don't want him to be stressed out because of money and because of me. I don't want to be a financial burden.

Honestly, if you don't want him to be so stressed out, you should take up on his offer to take the train to visit him. It'll be helpful for you and him.

[CAgirl]

Thanks Jd. Yeah I understand what you are going to say. He has even offered to take the train up here but I think we can trade off and make it work. The quarter is almost over for me and I will have winter break to see him which will be nice. I am very tired from this week.

 

I guess I am feeling a little lonely since my R isn't here. One of my roommates is but I like the solitude of my room for now. This weekend should be very relaxing. I really need to get a head start on my final projects. I think I am going to have to study really hard for my Language class because it is killing me. I refuse to just get a passing grade. Argh!

[CAgirl]

It was a very long weekend. I realized that I really don't like being away from R. Whenever I am with him he makes me feel like I am so beautiful and smart and funny. We gave each other our facebook passwords just as a trust thing. Haha, things actually got pretty silly when we started a war of changing each other's status and profile pictures one night.

 

I was able to talk to him over skype this weekend. It was nice but it really isn't the same as being able to reach out and touch each other or even just knowing that they are in the next room. It was like a comforting presence without the comfort. I am so happy that I am with him. I know things have been rocky in the past with us but I can't help but believe that things will just be getting better. Life is more bright because I know that he cares. I am so lucky to have a family, friends, and a loving boyfriend who all support me. I can't ever thank them enough.

 

Finished a 1,000 word poem explication in about 3 hours. Thank God I remembered it was due tomorrow.

 

Also tomorrow audition for the Vagina Monologues at 5pm. Lunch with Lisa at 1pm. Class from 8am to 10:30am. And finally study, study, study for my language midterm on Tuesday.

 

Good night and good luck.

[CAgirl]

R sent me a letter about me! It was so sweet! I must share it with you all:

 

It was entitled, All About [CAgirl]

 

[CAgirl] is my amazing girlfriend who I feel so blessed to have in my life. She makes me smile every time I think about her and gives me warm fuzzies in my heart! If it weren't for her, I'd be in a bad place right now rather than enjoying life and trying out new things I've always been interested in. She encourages me to do things I want and to not let any boundaries stop me. I'm so thankful for her and her advice. When I'm heated or frustrated at things, she cools me down. She's also not afraid to tell it how it is which is what I have needed at points. Her goofiness always makes me feel so comfortable and ecstatic. Our relationship is long distance and though this is difficult at times I know I can trust her and I have faith that we can make it through anything, seeing as how we have made it through so much already. Everything we have been through has only made us stronger, intensifying our relationship....

 

The rest is silly inside jokes. But reading this made my cup of happiness overflow. I hope everyone is having a good day too!

[LivingToday]

Wow...that is a pretty awesome letter. Good idea to write something like this...

 

Be well!

[CAgirl]

My Structure of Language class is really kicking my butt. I just don't understand it at all. I should have waited to take it and now I am afraid that I am going to have to re-take it. I have a 64% in the class. I have never had such a low grade in an English class. You could hardly call it an English class though. It's all about Phonology, Morphology, and Syntax.

 

I study for hours and I barely pass the exams and quizzes. She assignes homework but she never gives us credit for it or for attendance either. I've only missed one class and when I did I came back and felt completely lost.

 

I am going to study really hard for the last exam but it kills me that my grade is this low. I just want to cry. I felt really good when I came out of my last test too. I know I am not the only one struggling. I feel really indimidated to ask my teacher for help though. My friend suggested that I get a tutor. I may look into that.

 

*sigh* What a miserable way to end a perfectly good day.

[CAgirl]

I am far too nosy for my own good.

[CAgirl]

Here I am staying longer than I should with R. I am missing classes for two days in a row. I have an essay to write. A quiz I am going to miss which may make me fail the class. What a world we live in. The things we do for affection. I must try and get to work.

[CAgirl]

I still have to write that paper but the good news is that I didn't miss that quiz. In fact, I may not have to take it this week. There is going to be a walk out tomorrow to speak out against all the budget cuts the University has been getting.

 

While I cynically think that walking out will accomplish nothing, the professor emailed us and was actually encouraging us to walk out but she is leaving it up to the majority of the class to email her and decide whether we want a reqular class session or a walk out. Honestly I voted for a walk out. I'd much rather have more time to study for that quiz.

 

It is getting closer to that time when all the papers and projects are going to be due and I will have to study, study, study for finals. In other words, now is when I take a deep breath before the plunge.

 

I really miss R. I left him yesterday. It hurts every time. I don't know if I am going to see him before or after Thanksgiving. It hurts to think that way but alas. I suppose that I will survive.

[CAgirl]

Why did I just request my ex to be my friend of facebook? I feel really stupid.

[CAgirl]

Let the little things slide. One of the many things that I learned from the movie Fight Club. I may have had a momentary good judgment lapse requesting J but it is all over now and I know that it is going to be fine. I am happy with R. I spent a really amazing weekend with him. I have school for a few more days and then Thanksgiving and you can bet that I will have a lot of things to be thankful for. Now link removed

[CAgirl]

Song of the Day:

 

I am going to watch UP tonight with some friends I haven't spent a lot of time with as of late. I also need to study for a Language Quiz. Tomorrow I am going home for the Thanksgiving holiday. I am so happy! I must pack tomorrow and clean my room. Thank goodness it is almost the end of the quarter although this means that on my lovely vacation I will have to be writing papers.

[CAgirl]

Tonight R and I had an argument over the phone. It started because I asked him what was bothering him. I guess he overdrew his bank account, and he was having trouble with making his class schedule for next semester.

 

Anyway, I could tell that he was in a bad mood still even after we talked about what was wrong so I decided that I would try to lighten the mood. We were joking about something silly (I can't even remember what) and I said "You stink". He suddenly got very serious and told me to stop saying that to him. I thought he was joking so I said it again. He got even more serious and said that his brother said that to him when he was a kid and that it hurt his feelings.

 

Well, I was astounded that he would take something like that so seriously. He then said he wanted go to bed and that we both just needed some sleep. I told him I didn't need sleep and that I was just trying to make a joke to help lift his spirits and that I didn't mean to hurt his feelings. To me, it seemed like he was trying to pick a fight and being overly sensitive on such an insignificant issue. I said that I didn't have time to argue because I had a paper to write.

 

It's been less than an hour since he called. Part of me wants to break down and call or text an apology but I don't feel that I am wrong. Why apologize for being honest? I think he is the one who owes me an apology for being so touchy. Also I could be just as upset as he is because I am also in the negative in my bank account and I have so much work to do for finals. He doesn't have finals right now and nowhere near the amount of papers I have to write and studying I have to do.

 

Now I can't concentrate. I'm going to shower and relax a little. Argh!

[CAgirl]

I'm really tired of these stupid, little fights. I know you're stressed, and I am stressed too. I wish that you wouldn't get so angry with me all the time. I hate it when you are upset, because it makes me upset. I am so tired. I have so much work to do. I am your girlfriend not your therapist. Can't you understand that I just want you to be happy? I'm trying to be postive for you but it's hard. Please understand that I care about you very much but you need to start making an effort to love yourself.

 

Expo 86' Death Cab for Cutie

[CAgirl]

My brain brain is in pain pain. When will it end? Finals are awful!

[CAgirl]

One more paper and two more finals to go Hallelujah!

 

An interesting article on male college students watching porn in Montreal

 

R and I had yet another long and serious talk last night. We decided that we both need to stop taking everything so seriously and to stop worrying so much. I know that he is kind of depressed because he doesn't have a lot of friends or hobbies. We also came to the mature descion that if he wasn't feeling more postive about his life after Winter break then he will go and see a therapist. I feel better.

 

Hallelujah "It's a cold and broken hallelujah"

[CAgirl]

I am officially done with finals and it feels so good! Before I leave college for the holiday break I am going to host a Christmas party. Ahh if only it wasn't so cold and rainy. Brr.

[CAgirl]

Herro! I am back for Winter Quarter. 4 classes so far. 3 headaches. 2 breakdowns and 10 weeks to go.

 

Classes I am taking

 

French 101: Je m'appelle: (My name is) Comme tallez vous? (How are you?) Je vais tres bien, merci. (I am well, thank you) Et vous? (And you?)

 

20th Century British Literature: Conrad, Yeats, Woolf...etc

 

Children's Literature: We get to read the first Harry Potter! (Among other things)

 

World Literature: Beowulf for the 3rd time. I am beginning to sympathize with Grendel.

 

GOALS

 

Get a job

 

Stop asking parents for money

 

Run more

 

Join on campus clubs

 

Try not to squander my free time

 

Keep up with the reading in ALL my classes

 

 

 

I am very happy with my life and the people in it right now. I have caring friends, a loving boyfriend, and the best family that any one could ask for. The only problem in all of this is me. I need to start accomplishing my goals. I can't just sit around and be lazy waiting for the weekends to come. I need to be productive and to find purpose and ways to make not only myself proud but my family as well. I want to look into the mirror and see myself as the person that I want to be. I just hope that I can do it. God give me strength.

[CAgirl]

I just sent a facebook message to my Ex. I have no idea why. Maybe I am ready to be friends again. I don't know! It was a really silly impulse like adding him on facebook. R is not going to like this. Shoot.

 

The Message

 

I guess it is a little more than silly that I am sending you a facebook message but, alas, I don't remember your email address. Truthfully, I would just like to be friends and establish some sort of communication again. In retrospect, there are many things that I wish I would have done differently after we broke up. I know now that it was for the best though. Honestly, I am embarrassed of my past behavior. If you don't want to talk to me I understand. Just know that you are a truly talented and amazing person who I am very glad to have met.

[CAgirl]

^ The ex was smart enough not to reply. Thank goodness!

 

R and I have been fighting lately. Last night it was about me asking him to grow his hair out because I wanted to see him with curly hair since I have only seen it in pictures. I have also encouraged him to buy new shirt with color since 95% of his wardrobe is black shirts. He finally after the 5 months we have been dating told me it felt like I was trying to control him or change him. I told him that I liked him for who is and I was attracted to precisely that.

 

Another thing is that I have been getting jealous lately and he brought it up. I am a very insecure person and I think that is what triggers my jealousy. For an example if R were to say something like "That girl has huge boobs" I would react by getting jealous because I am insecure about my own breast size. The list goes on and on.

 

What really got me upset however was that he brought up his ex girlfriend (the one he slept with when we were on a break) and said "J never got upset about those things. She never got jealous with her I could say whatever I want" He then proceeded to deny the fact that he was comparing me to her. The night ended with crying and apologizing. It really hurt though.

 

This morning wasn't any better because I have been very worried that I might be pregnant because we had semi-unprotected sex. I say semi because I had been taking my pill but only for two days prior and I haven't been taking it right. I started bleeding heavily this morning and I kept thinking it may be implantation bleeding but I am thinking now it might just be breakthrough bleeding since I was forced not to get another refill on my birth control pill. I was forced because I usually get it from the school but I have no money to pay for it. Also I am very tired of my hormones being messed with so I may just use condoms for now until I find a better birth control method.

 

Whew, it feels good to get that all off my chest. I am also stressed about not having money and school. I just wish the world would stop for a little while and let me catch up and figure things out.

[CAgirl]

Why am I still up? I feel anxious. I hate it. I worry too much at least I will be able to see R this weekend. I miss him. What is wrong with my body? I don't want to go to the doctor. My friend's 21st birthday is tomorrow. I can't spend any money. I have no motivation. I am starting to feel depressed. I don't understand it. I am scared about my life. Sometimes I feel like I am going to die young and that is why I haven't done many things that people my age have already done like it won't matter because I am going to die soon anyway.

 

I know I shouldn't think that way but it is a weird feeling I get sometimes. Maybe I am just paranoid or scared or disappointed in myself. I hope I can figure it out.

[CAgirl]

I am happy. He makes me happy. Je t'amie mon petit ami.