The Break

[CAgirl]

I have been having horrible dreams. Curse this rain! I am worried about money. *sigh*

[CAgirl]

Things are going pretty well. I am very tired. I miss my R. He drove up here to visit me Saturday morning and then he had to leave this morning. I feel bad because he got sick. We went to a birthday party for my friend last night. I ended up having a therapy session with the birthday girl's "special friend". They have a complicated relationship. Instead of drinking and dancing with my boyfriend. I sat on the cold cement talking with him. He is a very confused individual. I listen to my friends so much and I always give them advice. They have started calling me a therapist. It is strange how much I enjoy listening. I like to know things. It sounds weird but the drama is exciting to me. I like to be involved. Maybe I should change my major to Psychology.

 

This is going to be a long week though. All I want to do is cuddle with R, fall asleep, and wake up with him here. I need to do my reading. I applied for a few on campus jobs. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

[LivingToday]

Glad all is going well. Hope R gets better. And maybe psychology is your calling...

 

Anyways, *crosses fingers* Good luck on the job!

[CAgirl]

Thank you LivingToday.

 

Anyway, I have been feeling a little nervous. Actually this is something I have been nervous about since I started having sex. The question Am I pregnant? This is the story. I have been on the same birth control pill off and on for almost three years now. In late December I started taking my pill irregularly (stupid I know) and then I stopped taking it for the month of January. I had irregular bleeding at the end of December because I wasn't taking the pill correctly. I believe my period started on the 6th of January. I know I haven't missed my period yet. What worries me is that my boyfriend and I have been having sex using the withdrawl method this whole month. I know. I know. I believe you have a 19% chance of getting pregnant like that.

 

Today I decided that I would rather have the worries behind me and take my pills again. I took the first one but I realized you are supposed to wait for your period. Mine should be coming this week. I know taking this pill might delay it and that if I stress about it my period will be delayed even more. I might also be irregular now since my body has been thrown off from the rhythm caused by the birth control. As far as I know I have no pregnancy symptoms. Deep breath. I am not pregnant. If my period does not come within the next two weeks, I will take a test. Everything will be fine. Anxiety is not fun.

 

Yes, I did write this mostly to make myself feel better.

[CAgirl]

Got a job interview Thursday! I really hope that it works out.

[CAgirl]

Ughhhh. I feel so sick. Runny nose, sneezing, headache, throat hurting. This is no bueno. I have a job interview tomorrow and I hope I am a little better by then. The Superbowl is this Sunday. I will probably not be spending it will my family unfortunately. I have to pick and choose my weekends. My period still hasn't started which just makes me more stressed out. It is going to rain. All of my pants are getting holes in them. I am scared. Please God take care of my family. Please take care of me. I am forlorn and looking for a way to better myself. Give me strength.

[CAgirl]

I have an interview soon! Oh my goodness I am nervous. I just hope I can answer the questions and come accross as an intelligent. Lord give me strength.

[CAgirl]

Whew, made it to next stage. Time to prove my writing ability. Hopefully going home for the weekend.

[CAgirl]

Highlights:

 

-Didn't get the job

-Got broken up yesterday, the day before our 5 month anniversary. Happy Anniversary!

-Laptop broke

-Got a MacBook!

-I am an emotional mess.

-Going back to counseling tomorrow

 

I think that is about it. I am feeling better but still very sad and confused. I hate these "breaks" that R seems to be so keen to take.

[annie24]

time to make the breakup for good. sorry about the job. hang in there.

[CAgirl]

Counseling was just a screening processes telling them why I am back. This is my free counseling at my school. I went there exactly a year ago. How interesting. It was pretty helpful. I learned a breathing technique and they should be getting in touch with me soon. I hope they do it sooner rather than later. I need advice. People have been giving me advice from all sides and I really just don't know what to do.

 

I haven't been eating very much. I forgot to eat dinner and breakfast yesterday. I know it is not healthy. I will try.

 

Okay, well R told me he wanted to take another "break". It feels like a breakup but I don't really know what it is.

 

Why it feels like a breakup

-He told me that we aren't "meant to be together"

-And that he has given me so many chances

-He didn't explain exactly why he wanted to break up except that we fight too much

-He said he didn't come to this decision lightly

-He doesn't want to talk on the phone

-He said to stop taking my birth control unless I want to have sex with someone else

 

Why it doesn't feel like a breakup

-He didn't change his facebook status (stupid I know)

-We both agreed not to see other people

-He said we need to put the relationship on "pause"

-He said he doesn't want to cut me out of his life

-He said that we shouldn't be together "right now" but there is a chance in the future

-He said we shouldn't talk for a while but still texts me

 

 

I have no idea what is going on. I think I should try going limited contact for a while and no more texts or phone calls. I have been getting advice to be more aggressive and confront him. I have been told to give him time and space. I have no idea what to do. I really care about him and I want to be happy but I just don't know how to show that. Ugh, there is so much more to tell but I don't want to go on and on.

[CAgirl]

^^ I made a thread about this in Breaking Up if you feel like giving advice there. Thanks!

[CAgirl]

It feels more permanent when your facebook status changes. It was a minor thing but I am very hurt right now. I will not talk to him. No contact time. My heart is breaking. When is it going to end?

[CAgirl]

*Laughs ironically* Back to

 

DAY 1

 

I called him last night. (Stupid idea) I haven't texted him at all today or messaged him on facebook or anything like that. I am proud of myself for that but unfortunately the day is still young. Hopefully I can resist and just do my homework. Please God give me strength.

 

I did, however, send him something in the mail that should be at his place in 3-4 days. No it wasn't a love letter. The contents were a postcard from my school and I wrote on the back "The mountains kinda look like this today" and two pamphlets he forgot in my purse and a CD with Demetri Martin comedy sketches on it. There is also a short letter explaining the contents of the package with my favorite inspirational quotes and a drawing of the stuffed animal he gave me. I simply signed it -[CAgirl] There is nothing really emotional or lovey-dovey in it. It really is something I would send a friend. I am not sure why I sent it. Desperate times call for Desperate measures.

 

I don't think anyone will understand but I really care about him. He is worth fighting for. I want to be with him. I really do. I am scared but I am willing to sacrifice. "The heart has reasons in which reason knows nothing."

 

Shoot I just IMed him on facebook. I have no self-control.

[CAgirl]

I don't know. I don't know.

[CAgirl]

I talked to my therapist today. I realized so many things. I am thinking too much about how he feels and what he wants. My life and my feelings are about ME. What I chose to do should come from what is best for me. At this point, it is letting go that is best for me and building the relationship with myself. I need to learn how to be happy alone. I also realized there is no way at this point that I can be friends with him. I put my whole heart into our relationship and I can't take it back out. I can't wait around for him. I am too dependent on my relationships to define my identity and I realized that I lost myself somewhere along the way.

 

I am going to talk to R tonight and explain things to him and I have a plan to go No Contact for 2-3 months and after that see how we both feel. This is going to be really difficult but I need to be better for myself and future relationships.

[CAgirl]

Well, I had the NC talk. I can't help but feel that it went very well. I told him about how I've been feeling and what I talked to my therapist about. I am so dependent on other people for my happiness, and I told him I needed time to be by myself and to be happier with myself. I have had way too many relationships where I didn't let myself stop and grow before the next one. I need time to get new hobbies, make goals, accomplish them, and concentrate on myself. He started crying because he said that he felt the same way.

 

After that, I dropped the bomb and I said my therapist suggested we not talk for 2-3 months and then contact each other and see where we are in terms of growth and if we could be friends. I asked him how long he would want and he said 2 months. We were talking about a camera case that I have of his and he said I could keep it. I said he was talking like we were never going to see each other again and he said No, we are.

 

I was crying the entire time that I was saying this and he was crying too. I asked him why he was crying, and he said it was because he didn't like to see me hurting. He also said that he was going to miss me. I told him the same. He told me that he felt like a failure. He is going to go to counseling so I told him to bring that up and not be afraid to share everything. I asked him if he wanted me to de-friend him from facebook and he said No. I asked him if he wanted me to take our pictures down and he said "No, I like them". He asked me if I wanted them down and I said No.

 

I said the only exception to call me was a life-threatening illness and he told me to do the same in that unlikely event. Finally, we were both crying and Ryan was like No more crying! We were laughing at some points. I told him if he slipped up and called not to call me back. Finally, I said that I loved him and he said it back.

 

It's been one day. I have been keeping busy with my friends. I miss him so much and as much as I hate to admit it I still have hope. I know that this 2 month period should be about me and I am going to try really hard not to count down the days but I miss him so much.

[CAgirl]

Hahahaha. My ex before R called me. He wanted sex. Oh my goodness. I am so proud of myself for turning him down.

[CAgirl]

I wish last night would have been easier and less juvenile. Well, after G my ex called I heard from a mutual friend of R and I. He said that he emailed R behind my back in an effort to get us back together and that R messaged him back.R said that he couldn't handle the fighting. He still loves me and that he wanted the mutual friend to "keep an eye on me" and that I am stubborn and I don't know when to ask for help.

 

Finally, my mutual friend ended up chatting with him online while I was on the phone. It was crazy and something I shouldn't have done. I found out that he trusts me and thinks the 2 months would go by fast. But he wasn't ready emotionally or physically to be with me now or "at all". He also didn't get into his counseling which I really hoped that he would be able to do. I guess these were the things that unsettled me. I wasn't supposed to know them at all. On one hand I am really sad that he is hurting but we do both need this time apart. I am not going to go back on my word. I am a strong person and a good woman. If he wants me back in his life, he knows where to find me.

 

My friend offered to take me to R's today. Don't worry, I am not going. It's like God is testing my perseverance with G calling and the mutual friend pressuring me. This friend knows about relationships especially the breakup part but he hasn't had any successful relationships and he is also a severely depressed person. I suppose that is why he was so persistent. I really hope he doesn't get into touch with him again.

 

I didn't break NC exactly but I can't have a night like that again. I need to be alone with myself. I can't be talking to this friend. He almost shook my entire foundation. I miss him and I want to be there for him but at the same time I need to be doing these things for myself. If he really wanted to be with me, he wouldn't have let me leave.

 

Goodness, I can't wait until I get my breakup book. I have another appointment on Thursday. I hope that I can take steps forward. I had another dream about him last night. We were happy. Isn't that the way it always is?

[CAgirl]

>2 months

8.14285714 weeks

57 days

4, 924, 800 seconds

and counting

 

How do you measure two months in your life? Haha. Time heals all things. It's time for me to be build up being okay with or without you.

[CAgirl]

Goals

DO NOT VISIT HIS FACEBOOK PAGE.

DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST.

DO NOT GO THROUGH OLD PICTURES

[CAgirl]

I can't let other people bring me down. What is important is inside of me. I got a fortune cookie today that said "Turn your thoughts within. Find yourself." Coincidence? I think not.

[CAgirl]

It has been less than 5 days since we last spoke. I really miss him. Does this get any easier? I know what I want now. I want a new beginning. I really hope that he is doing okay. I know I should be concentrating on myself but I am not selfish and hateful. We both still care about each other, but I suppose we need this time apart. Why does it have to be so hard?

[CAgirl]

i just facebook messaged his mom. This was it:

Hello,

 

I am sure that R has talked to you about us breaking up, but I just wanted to let you know that I still really care about R. I still love him. I never meant to hurt him or make him unhappy. I hope you can understand that, and I loved spending time with your family.

 

I suppose, we both have come to a point in our lives where we need to focus on ourselves. The fights were just too much to handle for the both of us, and it wasn't good for the well being of either of us. At least, that is my take on the situation. I really hope you don't mind me contacting you. I really miss R, and I don't know if he told you but we made a plan not to speak for 2 months and then see where we are then. It is a time for us to redefine ourselves, at least that is the way I look at it.

 

I am just really worried about him. R gets really down on himself. I wish he could truly understand what an amazing person he is and how much he has to offer the world. I don't want him to feel lonely, but I just couldn't be his friend right now. It would be too hurtful for me to pretend that I didn't want more.

 

Finally, I just wanted to say thank you for being so kind to me. The purpose of this message is just to let you see my side. I guess I am just feeling lonely too. I understand if you are angry with me, but I will take responsibility and say that I do have things about myself I need to work on. I wish you all the best.

 

-CAgirl

 

I knew his Mom pretty well. I guess that I woke up today and realized how much I missed him. I am afraid of what her reply may or may not be. Why do I do such impulsive things?!

[CAgirl]

^^^ Shouldn't have done that. I feel so embarrassed!!!!