The Break

[CAgirl]

DAY 9

 

I am going to spend this lovely fall Saturday doing nothing. It will be a day of blissful nothingness. I will read. I will watch a movie or two. I will be on the mindless internets. I will eat lunch and spend the day in my pajamas. I am in the living room of my suite right now and there is no one here. All my roommates are gone for the weekend so I have the place to myself. It is wonderful. I was a little lonely last night but now that I can curl up on the couch and take my laptop out here by the sliding glass door that leads to our balcony I feel better than being trapped in my room.

 

Anyway, I feel tired today. I keep trying to imagine when I will see R again and I just can't imagine seeing him. The future is so clouded. I have to admit I refilled my birth control pill for another month in the hopes that I may be able to use it. I don't know if that was just my mind telling me that I will need it or just my wishful thinking. I also got a breast exam yesterday that I was pretty awkward. I've never had an old lady touching my bare boobs before. Haha.

 

I also got a gonorrhea and chlamydia test yesterday. I got it just to be safe and because it was required so I could get more birth control. I do not have any symptoms and things are normal down there. Mmm. I wonder if this is TMI. Oh well. If the tests are abnormal, they will call me in two weeks. I guess if I do have anything I only have to tell people I have slept with in the last six months. I know it is going to be fine but that would be really, really bad.

 

Anyway, I miss R. I miss him so much. As bad as this sounds, I hope that he misses me too. I really hope that he is happy, but not too happy without me. I want to be with him, and I am hoping and praying that we can work through this and he will let me see him again. "There is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love."

[Jd1983]

It always good to have alone time doing nothing. I'm doing the same in my PJ's on my bed.

 

Cheer up girl! He's bound to give you an answer soon. Just take it easy and keep yourself preoccupied.

[CAgirl]

Thanks Jd. He will give me an answer soon. I almost called him tonight but I resisted the temptation and talked to my friend instead. I will make it through this. Five more days.

[CAgirl]

DAY 10

 

So last night, he texted me around 1 am in the morning asking if we could talk. I didn't respond because I turned my phone off!!! He called and left a voicemail:

 

"Hey [CAgirl]. Hopefully you get this message tonight. I was just calling because I wanted to talk. I miss you. Anyways give me a call back alright? Hopefully I'll talk to you tonight. Okay. Bye"

 

So that was the message word for word. I texted him this afternoon explaining I had my phone off until now and told him that I missed him too. He asked if he could call me after he got off work and of course I said yes.

 

I am so worried. The waiting will be over soon. His facebook status said "feeling better : )" I am so scared. I must hope for the best but prepare for the worst. If he wants to break up then the No contact will be permanent. I will have to make a lot of changes. I must not cry. I must not sob and beg. I did that before and if he wants to leave then I will let him leave. I can't stoop so low again. I can't let him hurt me like that again.

 

Wish me luck this is going to be the longest day ever!

[CAgirl]

I am so nervous! I can hardly stand it. What is going to happen? What is going to happen? I'm so scared. Why didn't he wait? Was he just feeling irrational and lonely? Is he thinking more clearly now? I can't help it. I am thinking that everything is going to be okay when there is a very, very good chance that it won't be. There is a very good chance that this is the end.

 

He did say he missed me. Do you really miss the person that you are going to break up with? Would you tell them that? Why did he call? What does he want to say? I haven't texted him since I replied to the first message that I would like him to call me when he got off work and that I hope he had a good day. There was no smiley icons in his message and he didn't say that he missed me in his text message. God help me. I am obsessing and picking apart all these messages. I have no idea. I am hoping that he is going to want to stay with me but I am scared that he is going to be like "Oh I want to break up. I realized that I don't want to be with you."

 

Arghhh. Why didn't he wait until the 15th? Could he not wait 5 more days to end our relationship? I hate this. I hate this. I don't know what to do.

 

On the upside I am being productive and I've showered, cleaned my room and my fish tank. I ate lunch finally. I could be reading for my class but I have the feeling that I will be up quite late anyway biting my nails and waiting for him to call.

 

What is going on? I must not let him hurt me. What ever happens I will let him go if he wants to go. I will not cry or beg. I am stronger than that. I'll be okay on my own.

[CAgirl]

He didn't break up with me. We are back together but I can't really sleep. So much is going through my mind. He saw his ex girlfriend when we were apart. They had sex. That's all I can write for now.

[LivingToday]

Umm...in my book that's pretty low to have sex with the ex. Especially if he wants to still be with you.

 

Sleezy, sorry. You deserve much better than that (and I only know you online). When you love someone, REALLY love, you wouldn't never think about doing something like that, even if you aren't together (Why? Because the thought of it makes you super sad and sick to your stomach).

 

CAgirl, I've read all your posts and can clearly see how you feel and you deserve someone who wouldn't do that. But I'll hope for the best for you and I'll pray for you.

 

And imho, you should find someone who wants to be only with you. Unless you don't want a lasting relationship that ends up in marriage with him. I'm being blunt because I care (which may be weird since it's online but we are all still loving and caring people who want it reciprocated). But again I don't know the whole story and am a "stranger" online. Just something to think about...

[CAgirl]

Thank you LivingToday. For now I am thinking about what I really want and weighing the pros and cons. It is a complicated situation but I really do appreciate your views and support.

[LivingToday]

You got it! Anytime, anytime!

[CAgirl]

I'm alive and it feels so good! : D Haha. I don't know. This just popped into my mind. I am tired. It is rainy. I don't have much money but I am healthy and I have my family and friends who love me. There is always something to be thankful for.

[CAgirl]

I saw Zombieland and I loved it so much!!!!! Rule #32 Enjoy the little things

[LivingToday]

I saw it yesterday too! Funny movie.

 

And #32 is so right...*looks for a Twinkie*

[CAgirl]

link removed

I just ordered it today. Of course it was way too expensive. I must go to lots of Halloween parties so I can get use out of it. I just hope it isn't too big/small or too short! I guess that I am no angel but I can't help it because that costume is way too cute.

 

I suppose that I should update on my love situation since I have been avoiding it. R came and visited me last weekend after an entire week of serious talks. I really care about him. We didn't argue at all and he has been opening up to me and been honest about everything since the whole debacle happened. I know that he is never going to do anything like that ever again. I care about him enough to give him another chance. I am taking a chance with this relationship I know. But I am happy. This is my choice and I will not be made to regret it. I am just to enjoy the ride. I will give him my trust. Everything is going to be fine. I may be acting like the eternal optimistic fool but I can't help it. Life is too short!

 

Anyway, R is going to be a Fallen Angel since I am an Angel. I convinced him that he should wear all black and get black feather wings.

[CAgirl]

Rules of How NOT to spend your money

 

Rule#1 Don't ever buy the supposed Alpha "antivirus" protection

Rule#2 Don't spend $79.90 using your debit card on it

 

Argh!!! I can't believe that I fell for a scam! I called my bank and they are going to dispute it. I am just so upset! I hope to God that they aren't able to use my debit card number for anything else! This sucks so bad. It is going to take 10 days to clear up!

 

 

*EDIT*

 

The company offered me a refund. I don't trust them at all. Scam artists!!!

[CAgirl]

I went to class today in club makeup and a t-shirt and jeans. A few friends and I went to this gay club called Tigerheat in Hollywood last night. It was a gay club and wow! I've never seen so many gay guys kissing and dancing. Haha, there were also the male equivalent of go go dancers in their underwear dancing around. There were two drag queens too. It was very, very interesting. I didn't feel really that uncomfortable in the environment. I rather enjoyed myself. The atmosphere was much different than a normal club. Haha. We didn't get back until 3 am. I was soooooo tired. Dancing really takes it out of you. Two guys tried to grind up on me but my friend saved me. He said that they must have been bi.

 

Anywho, it was a great night! Me and R are going camping this weekend! I am excited. I really should get ready and clean up my room. It is super messy!

[LivingToday]

If you want a pretty good antivirus program, check out NOD32. It's very good, I love it. Check out the reviews and stuff if you like.

 

Here's the link link removed Try the freel trial for Antivirus 4, then it cost 59.99 bucks for 1 year or 89.99 for 2 years. I'm sure you won't be sorry!

[CAgirl]

If you want a pretty good antivirus program, check out NOD32. It's very good, I love it. Check out the reviews and stuff if you like.

 

Here's the link link removed Try the freel trial for Antivirus 4, then it cost 59.99 bucks for 1 year or 89.99 for 2 years. I'm sure you won't be sorry!

 

Thank you! This will come in handy.

[CAgirl]

R and I went to Joshua Tree this weekend. If you have never been there, I suggest you go. It is such a beautiful desert. Haha.

 

This weekend was a bit rocky though. It took two hours on Friday to get from my school to Joshua Tree, and when we got there, it was already dark. We had to buy camping supplies, and find the campground. The first campground we went to Jumbo Rocks was full so we decided to go back and look for a different one. We were also running out of gas, and on the way back we got pulled over for speeding. It was awful, but the park ranger felt sorry for us so he let us off with a verbal warning. R and I decided that we would just park on the side of the road and hike out to find a camping spot. We did and it was so amazing by these massive rocks but of course another park ranger came along and told us to leave.

 

By this time we hadn't eaten anything since lunch and we were exhausted so we decided to just go to the campsite and look again. We found an open place that wasn't really a campsite but we set up the tent and went to sleep anyway. The next morning we went out early to hike around. It was so beautiful. We climbed up these huge rocks and I've never seen so many different cactuses (cacti?). R was climbing all over the rocks and he was so happy. It was so much fun to just be out there with him.

 

Saturday night we stayed in and watched movies. It is always so sad when he leaves.

Unfortunately, he got a parking ticket because we forgot to get a new parking pass for the morning. I told him that I would pay it since he has less money in his bank account than me. It was partially my fault too. I don't really mind too much. Money is something that will come and go. I must remember to pay it in person though.

 

Now, I have to study for my two midterms next week. My costume was shipped on the 22nd. I can't wait for it to get here!!! I am going home this weekend. I miss my family.

 

It was strange last weekend I felt so sad that R was leaving. This weekend I feel better about it. He wrote me a love letter. I know that he cares about me so much. I just wish that he would care more about himself. He gets so down on himself all the time. I don't want him to depend on me to make him happy. I want him to be happy on his own. I just wish I could explain this to him.

[CAgirl]

I really need to study!!! Ahhh midterm for my Structure of Language class tomorrow! Midterm for Sociology Friday!

 

Not to mention the Explication I have to do for Whittier's Snowbound longest poem in the universe! Argh! And the hundred plus pages I have to read in Pamela.

 

Oh the life of an English major. I have lots of stuff to do and yet here I sit typing on facebook and just wanting the chips to fall where they may. I am a silly girl.

[CAgirl]

I gave blood today. I am exhausted.

[Firiel]

 

Oh the life of an English major. I have lots of stuff to do and yet here I sit typing on facebook and just wanting the chips to fall where they may. I am a silly girl.

 

I know how that is. I'm on Facebook myself right now, trying to not do my reading or work on my papers due this week.

[CAgirl]

I know how that is. I'm on Facebook myself right now, trying to not do my reading or work on my papers due this week.

 

Haha, well good luck to you Firiel! I actually caved and did some reading but to be fair I've been spending a lot of time in my study room.

[CAgirl]

What a cold and dreary day. I want it to be Halloween already. I miss R. I am amazed how much we text. Thank God I have unlimited. We talked on skype last night which was really fun actually. I can't wait for my sisters' Halloween party! I am so excited about my costume. I can't wait.

 

Argh, but first I must conquer my Sociology midterm!

[CAgirl]

Halloween weekend was amazing and it makes me never want to leave home. I was able to see all of my family except my older sister who was in Canada. On Friday night I went to my sister's house party and it was so much fun. R ended up getting really drunk and he was cussing up a storm and being belligerent. But I dealt with it and cleaned up his vomit when he vomited in the trash can. He literally passed out aplogizing to me but I understood. I was more proud of myself because I didn't get super drunk and I didn't throw up or get hung over. It was a good night for me!

 

Anyway Halloween day my mom came over and I got to pass out candy to adorable children. After than we all went trick or treating and then watched scary movies. I love Halloween. R's costume matched mine really well and all I can say is that I really miss him. Leaving is hard to do!

[CAgirl]

R is really stressing about money and in turn this is making me stress about money. He lvies about 2 hours away and let's just say that he doesn't have the most fuel efficient car so I guess him paying for gas is not cheap at all. He also pays rent and for groceries and utlities. He has the expenses for a person living on their own. I don't really have the normal expenses since I live on campus, I don't have a car, and I don't have to pay for my meals. The only expenses that I am responsible for is my phone bill. This may seem easy to you but when you don't have a job it is a little hard to come up with the money sometimes. Not to mention, I have to pay $15 for my birth control bill every month.

 

R has showed me his bank account balance and frequently complained about money. This really hurts me because the only thing that my parents fight about is money. In a way, I hate money. I know even when I don't have it that I will survive some how. I just hate that we have to discuss it. I hate that he seems to think that money is the only thing that is going to keep this relationship going, because it is expensive to see each other. I just hate that he seems so concerned about it. He offered to pay for my train tickets to come and see him since it was "cheaper". I said No. I may be poor but I have my pride. I don't let him pay for everything for me in fact we take turns and sometimes I will treat him or let him treat me or we will have separate bills.

 

Am I just an investment now? I know he is an economics major but this is taking it a little too far? I don't want him to be stressed out because of money and because of me. I don't want to be a financial burdern.