The Break

[CAgirl]

Okay, so this journal is just for me now.

 

DAY 1

 

Today I woke up at 6:30 am. I didn't have to be up until 7:30 but I couldn't sleep. I cried myself to sleep and then I woke up crying. I knew that it was going to be a hard day.

 

I was like a zombie in my morning classes and after I just went back to my apartment and felt sorry for myself. I wallowed in misery and talked to a few friends. I was invited to go to the L.A County Fair but I know that the fair is not the place for me right now. Me and R (the boy) were going to go together. I couldn't risk also going with my friend and her boyfriend because I'm pretty sure I would ruin their night by moping around.

 

I ate dinner with my friend and now here I am typing away on the computer. I have decided to hide R's facebook posts in the hopes I won't be tempted to check his page incessantly. I can't make any promises though. He did say that he would keep our relationship status and the picture of us for his profile picture. I did ask him if he wanted to cancel our relationship and he said "Yes". I begged him not to. I can't stand all of the begging I did last night. It was awful. Now all I can do is reflect on how pathetic I am. His status was "too much pressure and stress building up..." I guess that I am the causes of most of that pressure and stress. This is horrible.

 

I am so scared. I am so scared. He said "If we are meant to be together we will be" but a relationship is something that you have to work at. Isn't it? Is this just another guy who is going to leave me at the drop of hat? My heart can't take it any more. It feels like he's given me posion and I can feel it slowly eating away at my internal organs and I am waiting for him to let it kill me or give me the antidote.

 

Forgive the melodrama. I'm having a really difficult time being alone. I think I will go for a run now. Maybe that will help.

[LivingToday]

You should go to the fair, get your mind off of things. I was thinking of going myself this year since I haven't been in 8-9 years (back in HS) and since it so close to my home but my friends have already gone and not really interested going on. Might bump into one of my students and that could be ackward if I'm going solo, heh.

 

Hope that you find some resolution in your predicament. I remember when my brother was hurting and he too begged, I didn't want him to but I couldn't help him. It's a rough time.

 

You'll find the right guy, just remember the healing will come. But it's going to take a LONG while (many many months). I'm always here to chat when people need a chat and I'll be sure to pray for you tonight. I believe it helps.

 

Again, go the fair and eat a yummy funnelcake for us at ENA!

[CAgirl]

Aww thank you LivingToday. I'm sad to say that I didn't go to the fair. If it helps, I did go last week ! It was a lot of fun and the funnel cake is to die for! Haha, I ended up going for a run and visiting a friend tonight which helped a lot. There was also a party that I could have gone to but I respectfully declined. Now is not the time for parties and fairs. I don't know. I need this weekend to mope and do homework. Now it is time for me to let the internets brainwash me into a troubled sleep.

[LivingToday]

Oh, glad you went and had fun! Funnelcake!! Ambrosia of the gods!

 

Arghhh, I miss being able to go to long runs (snowboarding sorta messed up my right knee, am lucky if I can last 2-3 miles now). But it sounds like you are doing fine so far. Doing homework is good, as is some moping around. And while you mope you COULD mop and clean too? Haha, it keeps the mind busy. Which reminds me, I too must clean today.

 

Keep us updated on how you are doing! Beware the Ides of October... it'll be here before you know it.

[CAgirl]

DAY 2

 

Even though it is noon, I am still going to say "Good morning" to all. I am still in my pajamas looking at a really messy room and a pile of laundry. I really need to get on that. Haha. Umm, I am also hungry which is good. I haven't had much of an appetite since the break. I am supposed to see a friend today and then go swimming and have a movie night. I also have a ton of reading and homework to do. I just need to get up and get organized.

 

I have to say that I felt better when I woke up today. I think it is because I had a dream about him last night. "I could sleep forever these days because in my dreams I see you again" Ahh Bloc Party speaking to my heart.

 

Wish me luck for today! Only 13 more days to go. Please God forgive me for my sins. "There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love." -Bryant H. McGill

[CAgirl]

"The Conversation" by Motion City Soundtrack

 

I've gained some clarity cleaning my room and doing laundry. I think that after these two weeks if he wants to leave I will let him. I can't make him stay with me. I want him to be happy and if it is without me then so be it. But I can't be his friend. I can't pretend that we will get together again. I just hope that he lets me see him again. The last time that I saw him I don't even remember saying goodbye. I was drunk and passed out. It hardly seems fair.

[CAgirl]

I really miss him. : / Oh well, at least I am really tired and I can just go to sleep. I should eat though. I'm starved. Good night ENA. You all are amazing.

[LivingToday]

I know I am, hehe. *brandish suspenders* j/k

 

Definitely eat something! I know losing the appetite is one of the first things to go but we need to nourish our bodies if we want to heal, it isn't only emotional, right?

 

I'm guessing you are pretty fit (since you enjoy running), when was the last time you ate something you swore off of? Might be the time to enjoy it?!

 

And if not, eat some healthy food while enjoying a great movie snuggled up on your couch in a warm blanket. Could work today nicely considering our gloomy weather in L.A. this Sunday.

 

Keep us informed!

[Jd1983]

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, I know how difficult it must be for you. I think it's a very mature thing for you to say that, you understand that you cannot control his feelings for you.

 

It's going to take some time, but please try to be strong. Everything in life happens for a reason. Feel better!

[CAgirl]

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, I know how difficult it must be for you. I think it's a very mature thing for you to say that, you understand that you cannot control his feelings for you.

 

It's going to take some time, but please try to be strong. Everything in life happens for a reason. Feel better!

 

This made my morning thank you.

 

Day 3

 

I slept in and I'm feeling pretty good. I had a dream about him last night. It was nice because the dreams are always good ones where we are happy. I guess that is why they call it a dream. Anyway, I have lots to do today. Particularly reading and studying for my classes! I should also clean up the apartment a little bit.

 

My friends and I went swimming last night which was really fun. I laughed and I forgot about the problems I've been having. It felt really good like a weight had been lifted off my chest. The weight is back, but I don't feel it as much when people are around or when I am just keeping busy.

 

Oh and I did treat myself with a Twix the other day. Candy is my weakness. Mmm. Haha.

 

I really wish I could call him or text him or even just write on his facebook wall but I must resist! I just hope he isn't hurting as much as I am. I don't want that. I just want him to be able to think and reflect and to find some clarity on his own without the influence of his friends or whoever else has some vendetta against me. I must prepare for the worst. 12 more days to go.

[CAgirl]

I went costume shopping with my friends today. It actually made me kind of sad. R and I were planning on either going as a

 

-Sexy cop and gangster

-Angel and Demon

-Jack and Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas

-Princess Leia and Han Solo (this was his favorite)

 

He really just wanted me to be whatever I wanted. I tried on a yellow princess costume which was cute but I wasn't in love with it. I also tried on a link removed and it was pretty amazing. It was really cute on me. The only problem was it was really short. I would have to get some leggings or stockings to wear with it. It is my backup plan if R breaks up with me before Halloween. Haha.

[Jd1983]

Don't worry about it hun, I'm sure you will still have fun on Halloween with or without him.

[CAgirl]

Class tomorrow morning bright and early. I am tired. Please Lord carry me through this week on wings of hope and help me not to lose heart. Good night ENA. Be safe, be happy, be well.

[CAgirl]

DAY 4

 

Today I woke up at 7:30 am and debated not going to class but I went. I made it through both of them and even participated in my Poetry class. I came back to my room and slept for three hours. I woke up at 2:30 pm and realized that I hadn't had anything to eat so I did. My appetite really has decreased as of late. I really just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. I did some reading for my class tomorrow and I have an online quiz to take. My friend also needs help moving her stuff since she is changing rooms. I am so lazy though. If she needs me though, I will summon up the energy to help her. This really isn't getting any easier.

 

I have been waiting to hear back from a job interview and still nothing since last Wednesday. I am expecting that I didn't get the job. You know what they say, "When it rains, it pours."

[CAgirl]

I have a confession. I was supposed to send him this postcard I got from San Fran a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't really gotten around to it so I sent it today. I didn't really list that in the rules of NC. It will probably get there next week sometime so I am not really that stressed out about it. I just hope he is thinking of me in a good way. I hate, hate this waiting!

[CAgirl]

I hate everyone who hurt you.

 

So does that mean I should hate myself?

[CAgirl]

I'm so scared. I know that I could live without him in my life. I just want him to be in it.I want all those things. This is awful. He is going to break up with me and I am going to go right back to square one. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted more than to be just a rebound.

 

Things he said that cut me deeply:

 

-"If I ever see you again, I'll just feel bad for hurting you."

-"I really, really liked you."

-"I wish I would have met you some other time when I was ready."

-"I'm not ready for a relationship."

-"I will always care about you."

-"If we are meant to be together, we will be."

-"I miss you"

-"I don't know how to feel."

-"It's not you. It's me."

-"I don't know what I want in my life."

-"I need to be alone."

-"We need to take a break."

 

 

Crying alone in my room again. Why do I hope he is okay?

[Jd1983]

Awwww, I'm sorry!!!

 

You hope he is okay because you still care deeply for him. I hate it when people tend to say, "It's not you, it's me", but at least you know he feels now rather than later.

 

In a sense, I think it's good that he is at least being honest about how he feels, then continue leading you on. If I knew that a relationship was not going to progress any further, I may feel it would be a waste of my time.

 

You're pretty, there are plenty of guys out there for you. Just be patient and don't despair.

 

Giving up doesn't mean that you're weak, sometimes it means that you're strong enough to let go.

 

Stay strong.

[LivingToday]

Sorry for the hurt CAgirl but it will subside over time, I guarantee this!

 

Love has to go both ways otherwise things won't work out right. Believe me, I know this from personal experience near the end of my relationship.

 

Both of you are relatively young and it's not unusual for some not to want to be so committed, again, exactly what happened to me (her feelings, not mine). So I'm there with ya, I know EXACTLY how you feel. IF it doesn't work, it'll take at least 6 months for the hurt to start subsiding...just the way it is. *I don't sugarcoat things for people, truth is always the best policy*

 

Keep positive and doing things, you'll see it gets better. He did say a lot of hurtful things, my advice is don't keep reading/thinking about them, prolongs any healing.

 

*BTW what happened to the poem from earlier...I liked it. Like Jd1118 said, be patient and don't despair, "Love is patient, love is kind..."

 

 

[CAgirl]

LivingToday, thanks. My poems are very emotional outlets for me. I feel weird keeping them up for too long.

 

Jd, you are amazing. Thanks for being on my side and for sharing your wise advice!

 

DAY 5

 

I feel much better today. I must not despair. It is really taking a toll on me and I can't have that. I look too tired and beat down. I must be more postive and move forward. My friend said I have to find a balance where I would be okay with either answer R gives me whether he wants to break up for good or stay together. I will find the balance and I will be okay.

 

Postive Things In My Life:

-My Mom and Dad

-My brother and sisters

-My extended family

-My fake aunts and uncles

-My friends

-My roommates

-Going to college

-Poetry

-Yoga

-Pogo sticks

-Opportunities

-My lovely room and apartment

-My mattress foam

-My colorful comforter

-My laptop

-My phone

-My pictures

-My blue beta fish Mushu

-Music

-Movies

-Sleeping In

-Running

-My grey coat

-My printer

-Food

-Trying new things

-Laughing

-Smiling

-Talking to random people in class

-Speaking my mind

-Contributing to class discussion

-Listening to people

-Taking notes

-Writing

-Reading

-Washing dishes

-Water

-Sweating

-Professors

 

There is more but that is all I can do for now. : )

[CAgirl]

Mmm. The roommate and her boyfriend made spaghetti for dinner. Free food for me. I am happy about that! What a nice way to end the day. I must read for my poetry class and go to bed early so I don't feel so tired in the morning!

[CAgirl]

DAY 6

 

I was tired in the morning so I skipped class. Ooops. At least he doesn't take role. I must stop missing my 8 AM class. Darn it CAgirl. It's not that early! I hear a male voice I don't recognize in the apartment...interesting. I laughed today. My English teacher was talking about a writer and he was like "You have to get him inside you. You have to get him in your mouth." It was all I could do not to say "That's what she said!" and burst out laughing. Come on it's funny in a dirty way! Haha. And I am even making jokes today. How strange!

 

Last night trying to go to sleep was a little hard. I can't stop thinking about him. My guy friends said that I should just call him and make sure that he remembers the good times we had. I can't call him as much as I want to. I have to stay strong and stick to my commitment. I hope this makes him see that when I set my mind to something I can do it. I really miss being able to talk to him and tell him random, funny things. I miss him so much. Please God, let him be safe, healthy, and happy.

[CAgirl]

Day 7

 

I'm feeling pretty good. My first class was cancelled today. and I was able to have more time to get ready. I even curled my hair and spent some time on make up. It was nice to be able to focus on my apperance a little bit rather than rolling out of bed and throwing on clothes which is what I usually do.

 

Last night a guy friend of mine IMed me on facebook, and it made me really happy. I told him about the problems I've been having and he was able to offer some comfort and advice. I can't shake the feeling that he has a thing for me. I really don't like him in that way and I have made it very clear. Anyway, we agreed to text each other more often. I think that is good. I could always use the guy perspective, and these days my phone barely gets texts.

 

I am thinking more postively and being more patient. I really hope that R will let me come and see him the weekend of the 15th. I miss him so much and any sort of breaking up conversation should be done in person. It's not fair to do it over the phone. He owes me that much. I deserve a goodbye.

 

Anyway, I am 1/2 way!!!! Only 7 more days until I can talk to him!

[CAgirl]

I'm not feeling so good right now. It might be because I spent the night hanging out with my roommate and her boyfriend. She is so much happier around him than she normally is. It's amazing how much you can see that she depends on him to make her happy. I guess I wrote that in a negative way, but I am really just jealous plain and simple. They have been through some difficult times but he still comes over almost every night. He gives her presents. I can always tell when she is on the phone with him because she always laughs.

 

I want that. Why can't I have that? I miss him so much. This is so unfair. All I want is to be loved. "The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

[CAgirl]

DAY 8

 

I was pretty busy today up until now. I really hate being alone on a Friday night. All I want is to be with him. I don't really know what to say. I suppose this whole not talking is getting easier but I am dreading the day when we do actually talk. What is he going to say? Will he want to never see me again? What if he still doesn't know what he wants?

 

I have decided that if he wants to break up I'm not going to let him hurt me again. That will be it. We will not talk anymore. I will delete his number off my phone. I will delete our pictures off facebook. CTRL+ALT+DEL. I can't waste my life pining over him.