The 8 Month Letter to My Ex

[WomanWriter]

I started writing a letter in my Grief Journal this morning and decided to post it on here where people could see it.

 

Background: Together over 7 years, engaged. He broke up with me 8 months ago, claiming he wasn't ready to be a husband. We have been in NC basically (although he claimed he wanted to be friends) but I emailed him a few times sporadically (he responded) and he texted me when his nephew was born and sent pics (I responded). We have had absolutely NC since June...he didn't contact me on my birthday...but no actual phone or in-person contact since the break-up. His birthday is next week.

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Dear L,

 

It's been nearly 8 months since we've seen each other. Wow! It's amazing how this is all by choice. You live 5 minutes away from me and I could drop by your work at any time, but I choose to stay away.

 

I think I understand things better now. I messed up in a lot of ways and am surprised how immature I was. I can't be with you now even if I want to (and I do) because I really need to be a better person. How can I expect to be good for you if I can't be good for myself? I thought I knew myself pretty well...and I guess I did...but I wasn't growing. I knew my old self.

 

The truth is, I didn't and still don't know my potential as a person. My world is limited from being sheltered all my life, and it is very hard to break the limits. I was not trained on how to be an adult and am having to parent myself right now. I have come to terms with my parents, but am only now fully realizing how they scared me about the world and led me to believe I was a helpless baby that had to be protected. I still struggle with that now.

I know it is similar for you. On the other hand, we feel like we have to compensate by serving other people. I know that I act as a crutch for my family members just as they act as a crutch for me. And I know it's not healthy.

 

But I am not willing to completely cut off my family. I don't run away from things like you do. You have a pattern of this. You avoid nearly everything that takes effort and possible pain on your behalf. You stick to what's easy, like videogames where you can be a hero, your part-time job--where you are a big fish in a small pond. I do know you, afterall. I know you too well, L.

You and I can't be together because we are both the same...both have the same dysfunctions.

 

On the outside, it may not seem that way. You have a religious family that doesn't allow anger. My parents are divorced and constantly emoting. They seem so opposite, huh? But both of our parents kept us little. They did not do much for us in the way of fostering individuality. Your dad thought he could define you. He lacks empathy because he himself cannot express emotion except passive-aggressively. He has a lot of hostility behind the surface. A lot of people felt uncomfortable with him because of the intensity of emotion he had...that comes from being repressed. I know this now.

My parents were more open, which is good, but they dwelled on the emotions and stayed helpless. Both ways are unhealthy.

 

What you said about comfort zones is right. I don't want to break out of my comfort zone because I'm afraid I'll have no one or nothing to turn to when I come back! What person in their right mind would choose to leave the nest for the day if they thought the nest would be gone when they came back?

 

The thing is, you were not only a support system to me. You were the man I loved. You may not believe that and maybe for you it was different and you just stayed with me all those years because you didn't think you could get someone "better."

 

But, you know, I acted a lot of the way I did because I was depressed. I still am in some ways but I am trying to change it. I didn't act the way I did because I felt like I couldn't get anyone better and was just settling for you. I know I said some hurtful things to you in the past, but that was coming from a place of insecurity and fear. In my heart, I always loved you and you and wanted to do right by you.

 

I did take you for granted a lot, though. I didn't listen to you enough. I didn't like the way we were communicating, especially towards the end, but I played into it instead of trying to fix things. I got defensive towards you a lot instead of considering what you were saying. And I assumed too much. You had a lot of good advice to give me and I should have listened past the defenses to the heart of your concerns. Instead, I chose to focus on the way you were communicating and ignored the messages.

 

Thank you for teaching me so much about style, politics, and most of all myself. You got me to see that there is so much hidden potential in me still waiting to come out.

 

I am glad we had this time apart and I know I am not ready to see you again soon. But the fundamental difference between us is that I don't want to never see you again. I love you. I'm not ready to be married either. But I am making progress to be in a better place. I will never be perfect and I wonder if even by me being perfect, you still would have left. Even if we were both perfect.

 

Is there more to the story?

 

Because if you are growing, and I am growing, why can't we grow together?

In the future, that is. Not now.

 

I don't want to have false hope because I can't predict the future. But to rule us out completely seems like a mistake if we really love each other.

 

I really do love you.

[nj101]

did this make you feel any better? i have been considering doing something like this and it was encouraged by my friends and family but i have been reluctant to do so.

 

good read though. thats how i feel towards my ex

[DN]

It's very well written but if I were your ex I would be wondering what it is you expect of me.

 

What is it you actually want and what do you want from him - because it looks as if you are asking him to wait while you work on yourself.

[annalisa84]

Do not send it. Most likely he will not understand the deeper meaning, the feelings, the beauty.. and just sees you as desperate and needy after all these long months.

 

One of my co-worker recieved a message from his ex girlfriend after finding out that he's engaged now. The girl was asking him what did she do wrong, was she a bad girlfriend etc etc. All that my co-wprker did was laugh and show this message to anyone who was willing to listen to show how desperate she was. He was using it like ego-boost.

[miami]

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Whatever you do- DO NOT SEND HIM THAT LETTER!!!!!!! I know you are hurting and still trying to get over this guy even 8-months after-wards, but do not let him know that you are desperate, clingy and lonely without him.

 

Look, it's good that you posted it here anonymously so you can get it off your chest- but for the love of all that is holy woman, you can't send that letter to a guy who dumped you 8-months ago and has clearly moved on with his life. He was being POLITE when he said he was not ready to be a husband. I'm sorry, perhaps you need to have guy-language translated to plain English. Here..let me take a stab:

 

WHAT HE SAID "In spite of our 7-year relationship and your current status as my fiance, I just realized I can not marry you b/c I am not ready to be a husband."

 

WHAT HE MEANT I am bored with you, have had all the sex I want or need from you, and would like to bang other women without feeling guilty.

 

WHAT HE SAID "Let's continue to be friends."

WHAT HE MEANT I am bored with you, have had all the sex I want or need from you, and would like to bang other women without feeling guilty.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but you need to get a clue! Snap out of it and lay to rest your fantasies that you will someday live happily-ever-after with this guy in a house with a white picket fence and a dog named Boo. It's DONE! The relationship is TOAST! Put a fork in it! Stop beating a dead horse! I'm running out of trite cliche's but hopefully you are starting to see the picture.

 

You are 29 years old, but seem to have the worldly experience of a High School Sophmore when it comes to men (a High School Junior would at least slap some sense into you). Unless you are Jaycee Lee Dugard (who is also 29), I have no idea how a woman your age can not realize how inappropriate it would be to send out that letter.

 

I know, I know, I'm being hard on you- but someone has to do it. I've said this so many times already that I'm about to make it my tagline, but A GUY WILL NEVER RESPECT A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT RESPECT HERSELF. I know you are in pain, hurting, and still mending a broken heart- but do not demean yourself by chasing shadows from the past. Move on with your life and turn the page.

[doiiiieeezie]

Paste this letter in your journal that he does not read and leave it there. You will do yourself a favor and his as well by letting go. Be the woman you should be... not the one that you want him to see you as being.

[WomanWriter]

nj101, it did make me feel better. It feels good to release my tension this way. I'm glad that you liked it and related to it (well, glad if it helped...not too glad that you're in the same situation though...that sucks...it makes me sad that so many people have had to go through this).

 

DN, I'm not expecting anything, I guess. I just wanted to vent. I would like to see him sometime, but I'm not going to send this letter...I might contact him later down the line, but way after his birthday.

 

Annalisa, that guy sounds like a jerk! I don't think my ex would show everyone and laugh at me. He was never like that (but who knows, now...). In any case, I'm not going to send it. I hope the girl who got laughed at is doing better!

 

Miami, I don't think all guys are that nasty...as much as I sometimes feel an urge to stereotype/mistrust guys. And I honestly don't think it was that simple either. My ex was not a bad person overall. But I'm not going to send the letter because what you said is probably true...he'll think I haven't moved on and probably won't respect it.

But I don't see myself as lacking self-respect for being honest. If a guy I was with sent me something like this, I would respect his honesty.

 

Anyway, thanks for responding!

[rapunzel]

Agree the OP should not send her ex the letter. I re-read her original post and did not see that she intended to send it to him.

 

I think it's good to get these feelings out and certainly fine to post them here, but definitely do NOT send him the letter and definitely do NOT acknowledge his birthday. He did not acknowledge your birthday so please do not even think about sending him any type of greeting on his birthday.

 

8 months is not a long time after a 7 year rel'ship but just keep posting and healing and in time you will get past this. But you MUST continue with No Contact. Hang in there!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Do not send it. Most likely he will not understand the deeper meaning, the feelings, the beauty.. and just sees you as desperate and needy after all these long months.

 

One of my co-worker recieved a message from his ex girlfriend after finding out that he's engaged now. The girl was asking him what did she do wrong, was she a bad girlfriend etc etc. All that my co-wprker did was laugh and show this message to anyone who was willing to listen to show how desperate she was. He was using it like ego-boost.

 

 

If he could laugh at his ex's pain and display her message to all his buddies I feel sorry for the woman he is actually marrying..doesn't sound like he has much in the compassion and discretion department.

[bronte]

Speaking as someone else who gets a lot out of keeping a journal and writing never-meant-to-be-sent letters to my ex, I think it's a good letter and that you seem to be doing pretty well for 8 months out--you've thought about what you did wrong and about what he did wrong and about the ways your personalities matched up (and didn't). Definitely all important parts of healing and moving on.

[mgirl]

If he could laugh at his ex's pain and display her message to all his buddies I feel sorry for the woman he is actually marrying..doesn't sound like he has much in the compassion and discretion department.

 

Good point.

[longdist]

I can sympathize, but am glad you are choosing not to send the letter. It would be great to let your ex know these thoughts, but unfortunately letters like this just drive the other person away. It's hard to explain why, but heart felt letters or intentions just don't work when a couple is not together. People like the unattainable, the challenge, and the unknown. I wouldn't contact him until you are over him (at least as much as it is possible to get over someone that you have loved). Then instead of a letter, it's probably better just to meet and hang out in person. You can address some of the issues in the letter once a friendship (or whatever you want to call it) is reestablished.

 

I can sympathize with what happened with you. It's also been 8-9 months for me, with no contact since May, and no birthday wish to me. My ex also said she wanted to remain friends, but didn't really back up her statement (I wouldn't have been ready anyhow). We've only had polite correspondence since the breakup. A lot of the downfall occurred because I was depressed about outside factors. Anyhow, my point is you aren't alone. I know how you feel. I also couldn't be with my ex again right now, although I'd love that option. So anyhow, best wishes and keep on truckin'

[LivingToday]

An excellent letter indeed! Keep up with the healing WomanWriter, I know all things will turn out just right.

 

I'll be looking for that book of yours someday under the pseudonym "WomanWriter", hehe.

 

*I like how you mention how he made you better as a person, nicely added.

[chewy21]

Great letter, WW. I don't know what else to say. You seem to be dealing with everything in a very healthy way, and I support you 100%