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I don't know why I still think of you. We're friends, sure, but why is it seemingly so easy for you to just be friends? I don't want to date you anymore and I know that we are better off not being together, so why do I still want you to not go out and have fun and to not date other guys? Are your texts to me really just as friends or are you still interested in me? Why do I even care? Why do you constantly contact me and then just call me a friend? Why, why, why????

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Day 18

 

Dear Ex,

Thought about you yesterday, but fortunately, it was just when I was bored. But last night, I was lonely and in the mood for love. I fantasized about you. About us. But then, at the end, I realized that none of that would happen. Ever.

 

Ex, I'm extremely grateful for our time together, and your positive qualities. How you accepted my body and its quirks, and took delight in them. And your happy disposition. But, I know I'll find all that again--God willing. I know that when the time's right, I'll find another guy who accepts me for me, who I'm actually compatable with, and has life goals similar to mine. And *gasp* who will actually SUPPORT me in them. Instead of blatantly saying that they'd be unsupporting and that their "only compromise was allowing me to believe what I wanted." *Shutters*

 

A part of me hopes you're ok. Another part of me hopes you're having a sh*tty time.

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SUCH a better night then last night thank GOD!!!! I think I realized I need to stay away from those events. I never heard back from one of my friends about staying without them so I think it's Gods way of telling me HELL NO ROBIN!! so I'm gonna listen. I so wonder how you are though with this hurricane. Though were getting hit here worse in NYC then you are I'm sure but I know your area looses power so easy. I can never turn off the 'stop caring' button no matter how hard I try. I used to be worried when you drove in bad weather and even though you are no longer mine and probably have someone new in your life to worry for you...I can never stop. Even if a part of me hates your guts....I still love you and worry and hope your safe. Not my place but I can't turn off my feelings.

 

Be safe Mikey.

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Wrote you an email because today sucked without you around. You haven't spoken to me in six months almost and I think it's ridiculous. We were best friends and did everything together. When the hell are you going to tell me why you suddenly shut me out? When are you going to say anything? I miss us!

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I feel like such a fool for loving you still, when you feel absoloutely nothing for me.

How can that just happen? I'm kidding myself. It's obvious you were never really in love with me. Your actions were an indicator of that but I just ignored it. You tried to break up with me so many times, and I was the one who wanted to fix everything whereas you were happy to leave everything in shambles. I keep telling myself "Oh he must miss me just a little bit." but that can't be true...I haven't heard a word in weeks...

 

I invested so much into us..I tried to do everything to my best ability. It just wasn't enough =/ I guess you just don't like me as a person. I have to accept this.

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Dear Ex,

 

Also, another thing, a few days ago, I thought about you, and one of our last conversations, and something just dawned on me. Even though you said that we're friends, I feel like you strung me along, because you didnt have anything else BETTER to do.

 

You talked to me because you were lonely, bored, and didnt have anything else exciting to do. Yeah, we're friends and all, but had I known this, I wouldnt have given you so much of my time.

 

I'm grateful that I did NC. Unlike the advice that I got before, it's not about you. It's about me. ME, moving on. If it were up to you, you'd have me on the sideline probably, until you found someone better, and then have the gall to tell me, "We're friends, but I want to move on. Goodbye." Maybe it's just my personality, but I prefer to end things before I get hurt by the other person.

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Day 1 of NC (again)

 

I've tried this so many times. Last time it lasted for a week, then you contacted me asking about something I wanted to borrow from you. I had forgot about that and was so happy you wrote. I waited a few hours, then replied I didn't needed that thing any longer. You never wrote back so I started contacting you again, trying to be friendly.

 

I now know you kissed someone last night. You've been in the same class as her for the past year. Perhaps you've even liked her for that long? You left me 26 of June, and I'm still deeply in love with you. You know I still have feeling for you, I told you that. You just said: "Okay". Damn it! How can you move on so fast?!

 

We've known each other for SIX YEARS! Been a couple for 4,5! Doesn't that mean anything to you? And why have you changed your lifestyle? You're partying all the time, drinking a lot with friends and you seem so happy without me. Are you really happy? I don't know.

 

I just know I can't take it anymore. I feel horrible...

 

I have nothing to loose by going NC. I don't know how I'm gonna survive it though. I pray that I will... because I am a good person and deserve to be happy!

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2 weeks ago I still thought we shared some kind of supernatural connection or something. What an idiot I was.

 

You are such a mealy mouthed weasel. You were never the guy I pretended you were. I was so, so wrong about you. I was so convinced that you were such a caring guy under all that when you never gave me any indication otherwise. That is such a dumb, subservient female thing to think. It's so degrading. you are such a screwed up person, I can't begin to understand where you're coming from (I'm so glad about that.)

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You know what my friend said to me today about you? "He thought he was all that, and he wasn't."

 

Seriously. You're not. You're obsessed with having everyone adore you. You must always be at the center of attention. But I will change that. Now I'm ignoring you. Did that hurt to see I'm not following you around trying to get you to talk to me?

 

Yeah. I was flirting with your friend. He asked how I was doing, obviously talking about the break up. I said I was doing great and had had a fantastic summer, which is mostly true. I hope he relays this to you.

 

You claimed you wanted to find yourself and find happiness that didn't come from other people. Guess that's why you got back together with your ex. I don't understand. Must be one of those cultural differences.

 

I hope you can somehow sense that I'm back in the game. You should see me teasing all these guys just for the fun of it. But I'm a decent person. I won't use them the way you like to use girls to boost your ego. I won't ever trick them into thinking it's anything more than casual.

 

You need to learn to accept some responsibility for your actions for once. You're self-centered and immature. Time to grow up, little boy.

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I've been spending some time talking with the new guy, the international student who's from the same continent you are, but a few countries away from you. He has your manerisms of speech. He has your phrases. I couldnt help but think about you while I spoke with him. Poor soul. I do like him, but I cant help but think that maybe I like him because he reminds me of you a little.

 

I wonder how you are. But slowly, you take up a slither less of my mind each day. I still wonder how you're talking NC. How you're taking school. How you're taking life.

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I hate what you did to me. Even though our relationship was in constant turmoil, we did it for 2 years and we promised each other to never cheat. I had a foot out the door the for a large part of the relationship and I tried to end it many times but you kept begging me back and because I cared about you and didn't want you to hurt, I always let you back. I never dared to find a secured back up before trying to end it. I had cared about you enough not to do that. So what do you do? You beg me back and seduced me and I caved in. You also added the new guy onto your facebook around this time. You claimed not to have talked to him on there until about 2 weeks prior to ending it with me so I guess I believe you but how could you betray me like that. No matter how bad things would be, we were supposed to make sure the other person was ok. I always made sure you were ok. When push came to shove, you kicked me to the curb and spit on me. You said I didn't satisfy your needs emotionally. Well how could I have when you broke every single promise you made to me over the past 2 years? You promised to improve yourself, to become motivated, to get help for your issues. You didn't do anything. I hate you for what you did. I hate you for having sex with me when I showed up at your house in the middle of the night in tears after finding out about your betrayal. I tried to leave after I initiated. It was an empty gesture on my part but you begged me to have sex with you. Then you told me the next day that you were only using me because you were horny. I want to let go of this and move on. But it haunts me everyday. If you were so unhappy like I was, you should have ended it before making sure you had someone else. You owed me that much. You are a coward.

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'The Harold Song' by Kesha kinda kills me and kicks me in the gut. I have pandora on everyday and this song always seems to come on. I always listen to Kesha to get away from serious songs, it kinda annoyed me that this song is from here- the on artist I could always go to for light, happy, good time music goes and writes a serious sad song about missing someone. Bleh

I miss your soft lips, I miss your white sheets

I miss the scratch of your unshaved face on my cheek

And this is so hard 'cuz I didn't see

That you were the love of my life and it kills me

 

I see your face in strangers on the street

I still say your name when I'm talking in my sleep

And in the limelight, I play it off fine

But I can't handle it when I turn off my night light

 

Thanks a lot Kesha! Also....Jersey Shore....I hate you also! The Sam/Ron stuff just makes me want to throw up. You really acted like Ron last year- even when I had you back you were playing me just like that kid is doing to Sam. Except we are so different because well you and I are no more, and that girl is still trying with him. Still hoping he will change. Although honestly if you were to have given me the time of day again I can't say it would be so different....I probably would be doing the same thing. Which is frustrating and a bit depressing....

 

You know what though? I can't say I am over you, but I am okay with things. I am a different girl then I was. Not necisarily a better one, but different. I'm not proud of some of the choices I've made recently, and who knows what you would think of them.....but at least it's taken my mind of of you. I'm living for me now. Right, wrong or indifferent. I wish things would have worked out differently sometimes....okay most of the time. Then sometimes I realize we are better off not in each others lives. We were so different you and I. I don't think I would have ever been really happy with you in the long run. You weren't a really good boyfriend honestly....but you can't help who you love I guess.

 

As much as a part of me is angry with you, and maybe a part of my soul hates you....more of it still has love for you. So I do wish your well. That doesn't mean I wish you happiness, because I don't. And maybe that makes me a horrible bitter person. It probably does, but I can't wish you happiness when I don't have any. I hope your safe, healthy....but not happy of fulfilled. I do hope a piece of your soul feels unfulfilled and I hope its because you miss me...

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FML....my possibility of going to the labor day party just opened up. I was taking it as a sign not to go, as I didn't hear back about someone who owed me money, but turns out I just got an email and I could go if I want to. I have money to go, a room to stay in. So its all on me now. I need to decide today if I am going to go through with it, as people want an answer from me. ARG! I know its a bad decision but I am SO torn. I miss my friends and want to have fun...but I know if I see you its gonna be bad for me. I wish I could see you and not feel anything. Add to this the fact that my knee injury is still not 100 percent heeled, so going out to a place where I will probably dance is probably a crappy idea also. So it's an ALL AROUND bad idea. BLEH!

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Damn it, it just sucks doesnt it. You love me. I love you. But our relationship had issues. We tried and tried and tried. But we couldnt seem to fix them. But when it came to let go of each other.......we just couldnt do it. So we tried some more. for so many years we tried, and if it wasnt for how much we loved each other, we would have turned our backs on each other long ago.

We chatted casuall on the phone today, and you also stated how horrible this is. I know you feel the same as i do, but we both kind of know that theres no where else to turn now. But we dont want to let go of what we had. I know in my heart, i dont want to let go of you, but i need you to come to me, and tell me you want to make a real shot at this, and fix our mistakes. Because the times of me begging are gone. In my heart, i beg for you, i want to call you, to text you, to surprise you with flowers and see that sparkle in your eyes.

 

But i wont. Because i need to know you want me for me, not out of guilt or pity. If you dont, then i will move on, be it by myself, or with someone else. It just hurts to feel this way about you, that what we are giving up could have been something if we had tried to work together.

 

But it's out of my hands now sweety. I know you obviously need your time to think. Just dont take too long, i wont be around forever.

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I'm getting back on track. Don't contact me if you don't have anything important to say. Please, don't mess with my head. I'm doing fine again, I should not let you have a big influence on my mood again. It's true I still wish you goodnight, every night. I guess that's a bit of Benjamin Button romance I got in me.

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