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I think it's time to say goodbye. This will be my last post on this thread. I really do deserve better, and I've said everything I wanted to say to you. Moving back home and letting go of the past was the hardest thing I've ever done, it doesn't even seem real actually, I feel like I was born in my twenties and everything else before then was an illusion. I can't take it, I have to forget, no one should have to go through what I went through, I can't even suffer anymore...that would be giving my abusers too much. You were the hope of something better for me, just coming to me because I deserve it, because that would have been right but of course life doesn't always reward us for simply enduring.


For my sake, I want to really start over. I want to actually believe I'm worth taking care of. Now that I know that my actions prove that I don't take care of myself, I want to change that. I never had parents so I want to raise myself, I know I'll do it well, it's surprising, almost everyone gets some kind of care in their childhood but I got none. That makes me really different from other people, I'm a real orphan and no one helped me because parents are supposed to love their children but mine didn't, not at all. I honestly just never wanted to know. I know that real tragedies exist, and my life is basically a horrible tragedy. No one would want my life, and I thought you were going to take me away from that. I'm actually grateful that I get to work for it myself, nothing could be more satisfying but that doesn't change the fact that I'm one of the world's foremost experts on tragedy and pain. I can't let that define me.


I have personal agency now, for the first time. You unwittingly exposed a very deep wound in me, it must have been really unfortunate for you too. I'm sorry you didn't know how bad it was, I can understand why you would run away from that. At least now the blame rests squarely on my parents where it belongs. No more free passes for them. So, I'm going to live a life without my past, until I'm ready to remember it again. Bye, I shouldn't feel sorry for you, look me, I'm the one forgotten by everyone and basically dying of a broken heart. I'm not in love with you anymore, and I know you weren't worth it. I'm scared of a life free from pain, it's all I know. I'm ready to take that last step toward the slow free fall into acceptance and fulfillment. There have been other times when I've done that it and it was always worth it, and I wondered why I was willing to settle for so little. Here I am, not willing to accept the dogmas of my past. I'm going to choose to be free, even if that means I don't understand you anymore. I want to see if I'm right about the way I think I should live, I need to give it a shot. No more tears, for now. I do recognize that I need to be accountable for my strength, I just rely on the strength of my thoughts rather than my actions and that's not enough. No more hurting myself, it's not okay, I don't deserve it, despite what I've been telling myself all these years.

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You just had to be the only person I ever fell in love with. You're now dead to me. Do delete that vid you recorded without my consent or knowledge. Can't believe I didn't delete it myself when I stumbled accross it. WHAT was I thinking? Boy was I crazy about you. I let you get away with too much sht. I was much too weak.

I'm NEVER going to let anyone hurt me like that again. Lesson learnt. To think, your sister kinda cried in front of me, and your mum. They CRIED. And yet, you still feel no compulsion to change yourself? I feel sorry for your family.

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Why are you trying to add me as a friend to your facebook?! What the.. ?! I guess your friend told you I am over the break-up and you want to stir things up again? I don't thing so.

I don't know what to do with this... Maybe I'm not completely over you after all or else it would not bother me this much.

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I am making immense progress right now, and I am truly happy and not resentful about our current state for the first time ever. I know I've said this many times but never in the correct tense, I always used to post "we weren't right for each other" implying in the past and if we changed there would be hope, but the truth is that we aren't right for each other and we never will be. You can't make a circle fit into a triangle. I am leaving for Miami right now and leaving all of our baggage behind. I know I will not be back here for quite some time in a permanent manner and you belong here with someone like you. I belong free for a long time with my heart belonging to me so I can love and grow myself into the person i should be free of others influences. I am greatful for the memories and the lessons, but I do not want any part of a relationshIp with you. The hatchet is buried and the ghost is slowly dying. Without you interrupting I can finally get some garlic and free it from resurrection for once and for all. I'm ready to let every bit of our past go. You being a part of my future no longer is any shape or form of a priority. When I am ready to love again, it will be with someone else who is right for me and can provide all of the things that you could not. Regardless, I do finally wish happiness for you and your new gf and i hope you find all the things life has to give to you that I could not. I hope you stay prosperous and always do what is best for you because you deserve the best .

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I have no idea why I am so afraid to completely lose you as even just a friend. You have more to lose than I do. All I'd be losing is a few uncaring, selfish text messages from time to time. You would be losing an honest, loving person who would do anything for you...and then some. I don't know what makes you special enough to be entitled to treat me the way you do. No one else has ever had that kind of power over me in my life. I don't like being depressed and sulking around when I am generally a happy person who loves to laugh, smile and be filled with random energy.


If you want to consider me as just your friend, why do you say some the things you do and hold onto some of the things you do? Sometimes I wish I could pull something like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and erase you, BUT even given our situation, I'd find my way back to you. It makes me mad thinking that because you don't deserve me in any way, shape or form. Where do your efforts lie? I wish I knew what was on your mind because I've been shut out, to grasp in the dark. You hate when I guess things, but you leave me to over-think these assumptions because you never tell me what's going on until it's too late. Why let it build and build until the pressure is so intense it explodes into something it never had to.


Right now you're the person I didn't fall in love with. Unfortunately, I rarely see that side of you anymore but when I do it's a real treat. How many bad things am I willing to endure to where the good moments aren't rewarding enough? I'm to blame for that. No one should ever have to handle this much, when there is more negativity than positivity in the friendship.


Right now my hands are tied and my heart is heavy and weak. My mind knows what's up, but hopefully the rest of me can catch up soon.

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@DailyDreamer - I have never posted on this site before, yours is the first I have ever read and it says almost everything I wanted to say to my ex. I am sorry they have made you feel this way. I too often blame myself for letting the manipulation and pain continue, but maybe we should make it up to ourselves and cut off that dead weight.

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@PhotoWoman - You hang in there too. Take care of yourself and try not to let your heart win over too many times. It's good to be able to relate to others going through the same thing, however I wish it was through something more positive than break-ups and messes such as these. I wish you all the best and may we both find happiness sooner than later.

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I have sent you four text messages today and a voicemail. Messages dripping with the most pathetically chosen diction. I know you're mad at me for dancing with my guy friend, but you aren't my boyfriend anymore! What did you expect? The way we were dancing would not even have been offensive to my husband if I were married. Innocent and fun.

Anyways, I swear you were just trying to find an excuse to be mad. You have told me everytime I asked you "do you ever feel jealous of anyone I spend time with?" You have said "no" every single time. How would I know that after we broke up your possessive streak would kick in? We were having a fun night, and at times I think that I'd like to take that dancing back because it didn't mean enough to me to fight with you about. But then again, I didn't do anything wrong!!!! You come over here and sleep with me and tell me you love me, but then you stare straight into my face and say "I don't care if we end up together agagin" because I danced with someone? You must be mad at me for something more...something else that you haven't admitted to me, and possibly haven't admitted to yourself.

I make excuses for you all the time that you have trouble expressing your emotions, "you're a guy and a guy who is bad with emotions with everyone in your life." But you know what? You don't treat anyone else in your life as poorly as you treat me. And I know that if someone was doing what you are doing to me, to one of your friends, you would be so pissed!

Why have I allowed you to use me? To lie to me? Because you cannot love somebody and leave them if it was an honest love you felt in your heart. How can you come here and have sex with me and not talk to me for two days? And then suddenly when we do talk you tell me you are mad at me? The morning that you left you kissed me goodbye and said I love you....what happened? You say that you had time to think about our night together and now you've changed your mind. You're not happy we reconnected....maybe it's because it was a bootycall. I never wanted to be that girl. I didn't know you would make love to me and not talk to me after and spring an "actually, i'm mad at you" on me. I never would have let you sleep in my bed.

You never will sleep in my bed either unless you screw your head on straight. Unless you realize how good you could have had it with me. I bent over backwards for you. Bent to your will. You told me you didn't like objects that are pointless in our house....what a joyless existence. Excuse me, not pointless, but don't have a logical function. The only things you hung on the walls were artwork from your father, photos from your sailing trips with that girl you knew was in love with you. WHY cant you understand how that makes me feel? You don't even want to have thanksgiving with me but you can go sailing with a girl who is in love with you and her family? You would say to me right now "why do you always have to hear what i say and find the worst possible motivation or meaning behind it?" You know why i do that? Because you do selfish things. You do things even when you know they are going to make me mad. Things that are not going to change your life forever. And i'm not interested in ending your friendships with girls that I am jealous of, but I am in need of reassurance from her and most of all from YOU that these friendships with ex girlfriends don't mean anything like that to you.

Whatever, it is not even about the girls. It's about me not feeling confident enough to know that you wouldn't do anything wrong. But I don't trust you. I am sorry.




Perhaps that is a callous or cynical way to view things, but you never earned it. You never even tried. The first time you received cookies in the mail from your exgirlfriend you lied to me and said you didn't know where they came from. WHY? That was sooo long ago. There was no stygma surrounding her until you created it in THAT moment. Your behavior made me suspect that there was something of a threat in those cookies. Perhaps they were accompanied by a love letter? who knows. whatever.


I don't need to be a part of all of your friendships with your exgirlfriends/exlovers, but I deserve the truth and honesty. In all matters.


Look at the egotistical rant all of this emotion has put me in. How lame.

You probably won't even write me back or call me today. Or pay me the five hundred dollars of over 1,000 that you owe me. You'll probably never apologize for squeezing my arms too hard and hurting me. Or for calling me a * * * * ing * * * * * out of nowehre.

I just hope you realize one day the effort I put in. How hard I tried. Please don't remember my effort as pathetic. Please. I know I deserve better, but I suppose I thought you could be better to me. How foolish. You've got a lot of growing to do. So do I. I look forward to becoming a badass woman all on my own. I can't let my pain keep drawing me back to you because you don't know how to heal me. I can't expect apologies or romantic confessions of love and stupidity. I feel stupid now. For writing this much about you. But it is helping I think. And I have so much homework to do.

Sometimes I think that you have ruined my summer. Ruined my motivation for summer homework, which is due SO SOON. But I have felt so much love from my friends and family since we broke up. More love than you ever gave me the two years that we were together. Love that doesn't judge. Love that supports and heals and moves me physically to a warmer, happier, smilier woman. I want to be that woman again. I miss being the most positive thinker my friends know. I will be her again.

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And those nice nostalgic thhiings frrom your dad, they're okay. I didn't mean to say they're bad. Just misleading. Horribly, horribly misleading. You portray this image that you are so caring. Telling cute stories about how you loved Robin Hood and you like sustainability, and how humanitarian you are. Those are the things that I loved about you. LOVED. But now they make me mad because it seems like a lie when you do the things that you do to me. Sometimes I wish our friends would stick up for me and tell you what an ass hole you are being. I would not ask them to do that. It's so dramatic. But you know what? It would probably work. You are so concerned with what people think sometimes. I just suspect that if they confronted you, especially Forrest, you would at least feel remorse. Maybe guilt. Who knows. You probably wouldn't say anything to me in the way of an apology, but perhaps you'd learn a lesson in manners and feelings and common courtesy and self control. You may feel attracted to me still, but it is no reason to lie your way back into my bed and my heart. DISHONEST

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You * * * * ing * * * * * , * * * * , slapper ... kept me strung along for months after you fell out of love with me; accepted my proposal after you fell out of love with me; watched me quit my job and move myself and my worldly possessions to another country in support of your career move long after you fell out of love with me ... and then what do you do? Less than a month after the move, before the shipping container had even arrived, you dump me and tell me that you haven't loved me for months! I go on a backpacking trip; an amazing journey of self-healing; and return ready to re-engage with you as friends before going home. What do I find out from you? You've been having an affair with a married man! Less than two weeks after I leave your apartment, you bring a married man home and * * * * him on sheets I used in the * * * * -hot bachelor pad that I gave up for you. * * * * * ! I hate you now. I * * * * ing hate you!

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I do miss you, but I'm okay lately...better then I've been in I would say 3 months. I still ache, but I am okay. Maybe okay isn't the right word....indifferent maybe? Okay lets go with that...I have way too much to worry about in my life these days aside from my heart ache. I still think about you most of the time, but it's getting a bit easier. Lets see how long this lasts, because every time I get to this 'okay' place I fall back down. This time though no contact with you FOREVER....that's the key. Not hard to do with no phone now ughh. But even when I fix that, I promise myself seriously no contact with you whatsoever. I doubt you will ever contact me again, which is for the best and I have to be strong and avoid you like you are a disease. I can do that....wont be easy at times, especially holidays, but I can do it. And if you ever by some miracle text me...IGNORE. Forever. Because that's just the way it needs to be....

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You strung me along for months after you stopped loving me; spent Christmas with my family after you stopped loving me; accepted my proposal after you stopped loving me; watched me quit my apartment and move myself and my worldly possessions to another country in support of YOUR dream ... AFTER YOU STOPPED LOVING ME!


You explain all this by saying all you wanted to do was give me a chance. Well at no point during that time did you listen to me, respect my opinions, or try to understand me, my issues, my dreams, and aspirations. Of course you didn't because you stopped loving me. It was all about you and your selfish needs.


No wonder I was insecure. No wonder I behaved the way I did. It was my instincts trying to tell me something. But I had blinkers on. Even with the blinkers on I walked out a couple of times after you said hurtful things about me being selfish and your not having any respect for me.


(How ironic! It is you who was selfish during the months you pretended to love me. And now it is me who has lost all respect for you.)


When I walked out I was quite prepared to let you go. They were perfect opportunities for you. But no, your ego wouldn't allow it. Even though you had stopped loving me, you had to end it on your own terms!


And then what happened? Less than a month after our move to XXXXXX, before the shipping container had even arrived, you dumped me and told me that you hadn't loved me for months!


I go on a backpacking trip; an amazing journey of forgiveness and self-healing; and return ready to re-engage with you as friends before going back to XXXXXXX.


But what do I find out? Less than a month after I left your apartment, you brought a married man home and * * * * ed him on sheets I used in the bachelor pad that I gave up for you.


For so long our relationship meant NOTHING to you, which is why you can jump the bones of some random work colleague; a married man, no less; as soon as I'm out of the picture.


You checked out of our relationship a long time ago. There was no grieving process you had to go through. There was no healing needed for your cold heart.


Any "friendship" we have in future will be as fake to you as your accepting my proposal for marriage; as fake as the last two years of our "relationship".


So enjoy your shallow, selfish life. I want no part in it.

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I was woken up by a horrible dream involving you this morning. It's been over a week since that last happened and I kinda thought perhaps the 'nightmare' phase was over with, but no! We were having a horrible argument about our break up and you were being so mean to me, saying really nasty things and I was screaming and shouting and hitting you. Nothing like the real thing obviously, that happened very differently, so calmly and full of sadness. Part of me wishes I had gotten really angry when I had the chance, screamed, shouted, lashed out, thrown you out, but I didn't and I can't do any of that now. Now I can't tell you anything. I have to keep you at a distance until eventually we're out of each others lives for good. That seems like a strange concept, but it's how it has to be.

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I've kinda realised that me writing you messages (however frequent) is actually keeping me stagnant and perpetually stuck. Therefore, I don't believe I'll be writing you anymore messages from now on. I think I've cried enough tears, and have vented enough to know when to stop... And it truly stops now.


Our chapter has ended. Time for a new one to begin.


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That's the last time I post in this thread before bed I dreamed of you so much and SO vividly last night. It was ridiculous. It's been a while since it was that mad. I woke up feeling like crap. I try not to read into my dreams but my first though was maybe this is trying to tell me something. Stop thinking like that!!!!!! Ugh!!

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Im really happy we will only work once a week together.

I have mornings, you work nights.

I hate working with you. I read everything you do. I don't even look your way. ever.

I'm thinking about your birthday, and i want to call you on that day. I mean, why not? For three years i always made your birthday special. Bleh. Im remembering when you almost cry because my mom brought you a cake! lol. You was like "I havent had a cake in YEARS!" It was so sweet.... Blehhh. Once this pass, i will be okay.

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I've had a lot of temptation to talk to her after 3 weeks but I let it slide. I get nervous whenever I feel mentally exhausted that I'll do something stupid.


Why did you lie to me? Why did you use me? You said you had no feelings for me and won't have a boyfriend for a long time, why'd you go back to your ex? Why did you tell me you were done with him in the end, I didn't believe you anyways but why? Why did you jump into a relationship with him after me? You said you hated a lot of things that he did or does, so why did you go back to him? Was I your back up in case he rejected you? Were you going to play me until you felt good enough to be on your own? I could have been everything for you... I know it wasn't what you wanted but it didn't stop you from getting all my attention did you? In the end though, after you would have taken care of it all it wouldn't be about you, it would be about us. You think I liked playing your therapist? No, it hurt me to see you so low and yet you kicked me out to the curb. Yes, I was a rebound despite all your claims of naught. After it's all said and done... you're shallow and you don't even know it. Yes I'm a rookie compared to how many relationships you have but common sense is something you don't have. Yes I made mistakes but you only magnified it... you made me chase you for hours but I forgave you right away. How was that fair?


Oh, and those conflicts? Waiting until they become big enough that you have to face them? Completely unhealthy, grow up and face them before they face you. What was the deal with the bull * * * * near the end? You said you luffed me but you weren't ready to say the big word yet, talking about the future like we actually had something. Next week you end it so abruptly that I have every reason to doubt that you don't have feelings but that your feelings for your ex are more prevalent.


And the saddest thing is, I'd still be willing to let you into my life... after all the * * * * ... if you apologized for everything and made efforts to change... I'd cautiously say yes because while the drama was absolutely terrible, you were amazing and I cherished the happiness and positive energy that you conveyed when you weren't feeling down.


Thank you for the lessons and the fun. I will embrace the fun times, learn from the negatives, and move on in hopes of happiness.


"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."

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That dream is bugging me! I HAVE to vent about it! It was basically- I know there is an event going on for Labor Day by you that I'm sure you will be at. I have some friends going, and a small part of me wants to go just to be with my friends but its NOT worth the pain of how bad it will be to see you- learned that in May. NEVER again!! But still been on my mind- I know you'll be there, I wonder who you'll be with....even though I shouldn't. Anyway in this dream, I wound up going. I was in my hotel room with my friends- who in the dream I honestly don't even know at all lol. A few of them I've seen around- don't know them personally, but damn in the dream I was having SUCH a blast with them! Partying, drinking, getting ready to go out to this dance party I knew you would be at. I was scared in the dream and kept telling them 'Oh gosh my ex is going to be here tonight! I'm so nervous!' pretty similar to what I would be saying in real life...


So them I open my door and am talking to one of our friends (Again random ass person I have no idea who she was but I was friends with her in the dream) and I was just chatting with her at the door while my room mates got dressed, and told her I would see her later that night. She walked away and I went to close the door and glanced down the hall and I could see the lobby and BAM there you were. You were sitting there in a chair. It was so real too, its funny how in every day life I almost forget what you look like but in my dream you are just as vivid as ever. In your sports shorts and Jersey just sitting there. You made eye contact with me and we looked at each other and i went back into the room. I was SO nervous, freaking out....some how- don't know how...(But hey its a dream lol) I spyed on you sitting in the lobby with out you seeing me. You looked PISSED! Like MAD. Maybe because you didn't know I would be there I don't know. Then your face changed and you looked sad, like you wanted to cry...you had tears in your eyes. It was odd.


Then fast forward to that night. At the event I was actually having fun, pretty drunk....seemed similiar to Memorial Day actually....except you were there and you were alone. No girlfriend this time, you were just sort of in the background while I danced and had fun and flirted. So I was talking to guy, flirting with him, dancing with him...and I was making out with him. It felt good, I was actually happy to be flaunting it in your face!! So a short time later, all of a sudden I guess I was back in my room and you were with me and we were lying on my bed, me on my stomach and you next to me in the same position. You looked at me and you were like 'Why would you do that?' You looked SO sad. Then you basically started crying. I didn't know what to do. Then you started to hug me and were like 'I want us back. Please' and were like begging for me, but not in a desperate way, in a serious way looking into my eyes. It felt SOOOO damn real. I had tears in my eyes and i was smiling and I was SO happy, I was going to say yes....and that's all I remember.


UGH DREAMS!!! That was a bad one! So confusing, but yet not really...I mean I get it all, it makes sense but I guess it was how vivid it felt to me. I really woke up expecting to be in that hotel. SO crazy! I didn't like this at all!

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UGH I'm so sad right now and have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach I honestly haven't felt in MONTHS. What's wrong with me??????? Where did this come from all of a sudden? I haven't been okay in a long time, but I was coping better- but tonight all I feel like doing is crying! I am literally aching! WHY? Where the heck did all of this come from?????? It hit me so randomly? UGH I need a sleeping pill tonight!!

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