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I wish I could go back and change how everything was. I know I was good to you, as you said, but I could of been better. I could of loved you more and been an overall better person to you. I should of been your role model or some sorts and pushed you into the right direction. Also, I wish the drinking didn't get in the way of us like I did. I truly apologize and if we end up being back together in the near future, then it will be a fully sober relationship Love you sole mate

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I feel for this new girl you're with, you'll either get bored with her after 3 months (like the majority of your other relationships) or you'll suck all the happiness out of her over two years like you did with me. You can't be by yourself, so you use other people. Most people enter relationships thinking how can i make the other person happy. You see these girls as a way to boost you self esteem and you think 'how can they make me happy.' Even your dad warned me of your selfishness...

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The sad thing is I might have stayed with you as long as you allowed. Until my self esteem was just a memory and I was a shell of a human being. You have no concept of real love. You do not know how to give without seeking a return. You act the hopeless tragic eyed girl seeking her fairytale prince, yet you arrogantly treat people like garbage. You act as if your presence is a gift to the world. The reality is that you use people because you cannot be alone. You have no concept of opening up to another. You said yourself that your logic and truth was all you had. That you could not be vulnerable. I confessed some of my deepest thoughts to you and your reply would be an "I'm sorry." or a single sentence.

 

I promise you this: one day your logic and "truth" is going to fail you. Because it's utter bull****. You know what you do and that you hurt people. Part of you gets off on it I know, you act as if it's part of some tragic nature, but you're a poser. Nothing more. You grew up taken care of with hardworking parents who you think you're better than because they don't have a college degree. In fact you think your better than everybody which is laughable. The real truth is going to hit you hard one day. I still care enough that you eventually end up happy, but I'm not gonna be there when you realize what you left. Oh and btw you DO have a drinking problem.

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It is hard for me to understand the person you have become.

How are you able to do these things to the people who love you so much.

How can you pretend as if you have made the right choice when you hide the facts.

How do you live with yourself? How can you possibly be happy with a choice that insults your very being?

You have made a permanent scar in my soul but I can forgive you if only you spoke the truth and apologized.

We all know you are a good person. No one wants to believe the person you have become is real.

Please stop living your lie.

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you cant just waltz back into my life seriously.. how could u do that? u cant just contact whenever ur ready or when u regret when it all went wrong. argghh i hate how i still have feelings for u. i dont want you, u are nothing i want in a guy nothing. i deserve to be happy just cause u cant find yours dosent mean ur going to drag me down its not fair. You think ur hurting think how long it took me to accept ur choices and i had to put that through u cant just expect me to come waltzing back in my life. no u cant. argh..i wish i could back to you but that means going back to the old me and i dont want to be old me and everything that i went through would just be a waste of time and i cant deal with your crap serisouly i deserve better and u were right all long i did deserve my happiness so leave me alone. if u cared or love me at all than let me be..

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I know I've said I wasn't ever going to post another message to you, but I really need to say this.

 

 

I HATE that you've given me all these emotional issues. Hate it! I hate that I can't trust. I hate that my heart feels raw and beaten. I HATE HOW YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY LOVE AND FAITH IN YOU.

 

Ok that's all I wanted to say. Everytime somebody expresses interest in me, I feel fear.

I'm completely over you now I think. But I don't believe I'll be ever completely over the pain you've caused me.

 

How can a human being do everything you did to me? How do you even sleep at night?

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Day 5. I'm so heartbroken and hopeless. I miss you so much right now, and I really just can't grasp the concept that you don't think of me at all. Why don't you miss me? Why don't you care?

 

It isn't fair. It isn't fair that you can just throw me away and forget about me. You promised you'd never hurt me. You promised you'd hold me until your last day. How can you just forget? Didn't that mean anything to you? How can you change your mind overnight?

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I was doing so good but all it took was one bad night for me to miss you

 

I'm having a bad bad night, it has nothing to do with you but such an anxiety attack and it just made me all of a sudden miss you SO unbelivibly much. Add to that the fact that EVERYONE I know pretty much is going to the labor day party in your area that I know you will be at...even my friend who I always went there with, it was kind of our thing she's driving all the way there not even with me. First thing there without me. Not like I have money to go anyway, and I am still healing from hurting my knee. But I almost found a way to have the money to go and I was seriously thinking about it for like 5 minutes....debating 'Well I can if I email this person....and ask this person if I can room with them for the night" Then I was like um WTH is wrong with you?????? Do you NOT remember how upsetting and awful it was to be there and see him in May????? How much you cried and went into a horrible depression for WEEKS?????? Are you on crack??? I want to have fun with my friends....but I know you will be there and it will be SO bad. God HELP ME I AM SO UPSET!!!!! I am having the worst anxiety ever!!

 

I still have no phone. Going to be like that until the end of the month at least. Sucks a lot. And with no phone I have seriously deluted myself into wondering "I wonder if he's texted me???' I have seriously given myself an anxiety attack wondering this!!! The chances are SOOO slim! Like 1 in 100,0000,00000!! I wonder with the hurricain heading this way if maybe you saw on the news something about NYC and wondered about me. Why am I thinking like that? Why am I crying, desperatly hoping and deluding myself into believing that you miss me. STOP NOW! But last time I remember something as stupid as the Bin Laden being killed thing made you text me because you said you saw it on the news....and you told me then that when ever you saw something on the news that reminded you of me- fashion related or what ever- you thought of me. I have clung to that as SAD as it is and I wonder all the time if you still think of me

 

I am seriously having a bad night here! It started out SO well! I hate this! I really do want to go next weekend but KNOW Its the WORST idea possible! I told myself I learned my lesson Memorial Day....but next weekend I know even if I dont go and stay home all Im gonna do is sit here and cry UGH I wonder who you will be with this time. If you have ANOTHER new girlfriend. Probably knowing you and the way you go through girls. NO I can't do that to myself AGAIN! It was one of the worst weekends ever DAMN IT WHY DOES EVERYONE I KNOW HAVE TO BE GOING!!! I want to have fun too But NOT where you are UGH kill me!

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I just googled your name Someone smack me!! Same tiny tiny images in google images. I am SO mad at myself right now!!!!! Wait it gets worst. I have the urge to unblock you from FB tonight to spy on you! Its been a LONG time since I WANTED to know what was going on in your life! I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW!!!! Why can't I stop these feelings???? I almost feel like standing outside during this dumb hurricain and getting washed away Don't worry I won't....but I feel like it!

 

GAHHH! WTH happened???? Ive been doing SO good the last week FAIL! When ever I am feeling vulnerable my heart misses you. I feel like crap! I miss you so much it literally is hurting right now its been SO long since I felt this! I haven't even spoken to you in almost 3 months! Why the HELL am I feeling like this???

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Day 17.

 

I randomly ran accross my ex's love notes today. FML.

 

I didnt have the balls to open them. It hurts me to look at them. It makes me remember the good old days. This reminds me: I need to do a thorough purging of all his stuff, and not just purge the things I can immediately see, like his facebook--but EVERYTHING. I dont understand. I'm more than 2 weeks NC, I shouldnt be hesitating on this.

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Wow, over the last few weeks you've hardly been on my mind at all. I'm actually kind of happy, lol. I no longer place the blame on either of us, nor do I feel ashamed about how low you made me feel, because I emerged a stronger, more confident, and determined man than I ever thought possible. It just wasn't right for either of us. I'm so happy to be going on vacation soon, to get some physical distance away from you, work, and everything (I really need a vacation). Then, soon enough I'll actually be moving away, and you'll have no idea what ever happened to me, lol. In fact, that's kind of comforting. It's almost surreal, like the whole thing was just a passing dream, one that both of us will only half-remember in the coming years. I am so grateful for this experience, the emotional hell you threw me into. I didn't think I could recover so quickly, and 6 months later I'm emerging more in touch with my emotions and with a clear focus who I am, who I want to be and where I'm going with my life.

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Day 5. I'm so heartbroken and hopeless. I miss you so much right now, and I really just can't grasp the concept that you don't think of me at all. Why don't you miss me? Why don't you care?

 

It isn't fair. It isn't fair that you can just throw me away and forget about me. You promised you'd never hurt me. You promised you'd hold me until your last day. How can you just forget? Didn't that mean anything to you? How can you change your mind overnight?

 

I feel your pain, I was there too. Please, read The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.

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So you couldn't even meet up with me a few weeks ago for a quick catch up drink yet you COULD go to marbella on a pulling spree ?! How does that work exactly, you don't have 30 minutes spare in your heart for the girl who you said was your best friend (me) who you had not seen for over 2 months yet you can bugger off for over a week to some poncy resort. Eff you. Who is this person I used to call my boyfriend and why do I still have the most intense pain throughout my body for you? I cannot even tell you how much you infuriate me and upset me all at the same time. I feel so low at the moment. You are probably pusuing that A-J you used to fancy, you might be with her, I dont want to know. I want someone to break your heart so you can feel this. It is killing me right now.

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Day 6. Two weeks before you broke up with me, our parents met. Remember I said to you, "Are you sure? This is kind of a big step." And you didn't hesitate. You wanted them to meet. It was a great night. Our parents loved each other. I swear our dads would've been best friends.

 

Why why why would you insist that our parents meet if you were just going to end it all? I don't understand. Why is this happening? Tell me this is just a bad dream.

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Jersey shore has a phenomenal way of reminding me of you. This episode was helpful, bc you are so like Ronnie. You were pretending to start to be the best bf ever right when u were doing the worst dirt you've ever done to me. God I hate you. But sometimes I still miss u. I'm so messed in the head

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Almost 2 months since our break up, a month since we last spoke. I broke no contact two days ago to apologize to you for everything that happened this summer. To tell you you didn't deserve any stress from me, to tell you I was working on things with myself....You're response was like a slap in the face. You blame me for everything that happened to you this summer, our break up, EVERYTHING was my fault. But I can't take responsibility for all of it anymore, you say you tried but I don't think you did, not nearly hard enough. You could have helped yourself, helped us but you chose not to. The fact that I still love you, the fact that I would cut off my right arm to be with you again makes me SICK, it makes me hate myself. I still think of you almost every minute of the day, I miss you so much it's like I'm dying inside but you just don't care. I feel like you hate me now and I just don't understand because even after this pain I could never hate you. I know that someday maybe even now you'll be with another girl, you'll say the same things and get that same goofy smile that made me fall in love with you, it makes me want to die. I can only hope you'll contact me again someday but you probably never will. I hope you're happy now, you're probably already on your way to forgetting me. I'll never forget you...

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Still Day 5. You know I'm a thousand times better than your ex. I can't believe you'd fall into her trap. Don't you see she only wants you when it's convenient for her? She doesn't care about your feelings at all. She just wants you keep you waiting around for her to give you the time of day, and you do. You just sit there pathetically, admiring her and adoring her while she goes off and forgets all about you for months at a time.

 

So don't think you get to keep me as a friend. I'm not your security blanket. I'm not your back-up plan. I'm not going to stroke your ego and tell you everything's going to be okay while she's not around only to be ditched as soon as she's back.

 

I'm so much hotter than her too. Seriously. Maybe she's thinner, but she has no chest whatsoever. I hope you miss my body at least.

 

What a 180! You used to tell me you'd never speak to her again and that she made you feel sick and that you hated her and loved only me. Now you don't care about me and are in love with her.

 

And I want my books back. Those weren't a gift. I lent them to you, not like you'd ever read them anyways.

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I have to be honest. I want to see you everyday but not sure you deserve it. I may have some things with which I need to deal, but we were good and could have been great if you'd have communicated... I suppose you did communicate when you left.

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I love being ignored after I send well wishes and hope for your safety. You always consider yourself to be mature for your age, but that sure hasn't been shown through your behavior. Grow up before you next contact me. These games and your lack of communication have proven to be selfish, sad and nonsensical. The phases you go through are pretty ridiculous. Snap out of it.

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