Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[Shainet]

Are you back home yet?! I want this to be over with! Text me already so i'll know when to send your stuff! I dont want to keep on waiting for your text! I just want to end all connection with you!

I effin hate you!

You're unhealthy. You have lots of health problem. You're overweight! You have a tiny.. You have an attitude problem. You're so full of yourself and think you're all that. You're disgusting.

 

I dont want to ever see your face again! You are dead to me.

[Phish23]

So pissed at you.

[jaded123]

A, I wish I hadn't turned you away and I wish you would have given me one chance. I didn't know better back then. I would have burned all my guitars and never played any music again, and I would have given up kids (I would have resented it but I would have given it up) to be with you. I was wrong about many things but I wasn't wrong about your cult btw, and even though I made you miserable with my intense distaste for it, I accepted it to keep you. You could have travelled every day of the week and I still would have accepted it (not preferred it but accepted it), if it meant keeping you.

 

I have been infatuated with a lot of people, even more so when I was younger, but I've never truly loved anyone like I loved you and all I wanted was some proof that you loved me too, more than anything else in your world. That's all I wanted.

 

No one likes a doormat but I can say I'm sorry a million times again since you will never ever read any of this. You will never see me or hear me or understand what I have survived through after being abandoned by you. A long time ago, when I was a small child, I got lost in a crowded market. I was there with my parents and somehow I got lost. Someone found me, some stranger and took me to a shop I had been before and my parents were frantic and came back to that shop and found me eventually but that event was traumatic and I still remember it 33 years later. I know how it feels to be abandoned and it is my deepest fear and I am sorry - beyond all sorries - that I "left" you but I didn't leave you A, I never did, I never ever could have, I would have died first rather than leave you for any reason. Any reason.

 

I am sorry. Sorry for hurting you and sorry for not realizing how much I was hurting you and sorry for not apologizing in time.

-H

[MisSunny]

It's not fair that you can make me feel so crazy just by saying nothing. Hearing from you has made me weak; it's kindled hope where I don't want it, and riding the waves of hope and pessimism is really frustrating. I wish you could just tell me what you think of me in a straightforward manner... I could ask, but to do so would risk further unhappiness. Maybe I should have agreed to talk about things when you offered. But it just seemed like such a half-hearted offer, made only because your friends told you you should... Why can't you just say what you mean?

[Phish23]

Can't sleep because I'm thinking of you. 4weeks of no contact. This all makes no sense.

[Robin2904]

I was reading old posts on here earlier that I wrote a few years ago- when we first broke up. I realize how much I had to say to you, I wrote paragraphs and paragraphs. These days I realize I just don't have that much to say to you. I mean granted there are still things I have to say or I wouldn't be on here in this thread, but its not like it was then. Its not as wordy. Its not fueled by the same intensity. I can't even explain it. Its almost to the point where it just IS now. I have thoughts to say to you, I come here to voice them occasionally (though lately its been more then usual) but before I was in this thread 24/7 sometimes posting 4 or 5 times a day. And posting these long winded intense, angry fueled posts. Or these long sad hopelessly wistful posts. I do have those down and out moments sometimes, or those rage filled moments, but they are fewer and way less frequent. I don't know what the point of this is, just an observation I noticed.

 

Like it or not this thread is still like a diary to me though. My inner working thoughts, feelings and pondering- whether they make any sense at all or not- they are all here. Infact I've considered cutting and pasting all of these posts in this thread back to some of my very first, compiling them into a word document and maybe one day even having it published. I'm not sure who would read them, or if I could even bring myself to do that, but its just a passing thought. Compiling my inner most personal thoughts, publishing my diary in a way. Just something I've pondered. My emotions in some posts- especially the early ones are so very raw and intense, I almost want to share that with the world. Heck its not exactly the diary of Ann Frank, but I feel like my words could count for something to someone somewhere. Maybe. Who knows, just some random middle of the night thinking's.

 

Oh yea, back to why I was in here in the first place...back to you. My mind has been on you so much lately. I even wrote out a text to you- a few times and deleted it. It said 'Hi X, I know this is random but you crossed my mind and was wondering how you were. Don't know if this is weird but hope you're well' Couldn't bring myself to send it. Luckily. However my reserve is wearing thin and I don't really trust myself not to send you a text before the month is over. I literally have to fight with myself not to daily. I haven't struggled like that in a long time. Not since last Winter when we first stopped seeing each other again. And I lost that war and that was when I realized you were dating someone else. To be honest that is the only thing truly stopping me. If I reach out to you and you brush me off I'm going to feel really low. Especially if its because you are dating someone else. I don't think I can take that rejection. I keep telling myself not to do it because the rejection would be bad for me. Just don't.

 

I texted your mom for Thanksgiving as previously stated in this thread. She didn't answer me and the rejection set in fast and I felt really down for a few days. She did answer me three days later, apologizing for her delay. We texted very briefly, and I guess I wanted her to want to talk to me more. Is that sick? She did ask how I was and I told her about a few things in my life and she seemed genuinely nice to me. When I asked about her all she offered up was she was good. That didn't answer any of my curious questions about how the family is. Or how you are...yes I admit it wasn't 100 percent me being interested in her- part of it was curiosity- or should I say nosiness in wanting to know about your life. Just how you are at least. I didn't come out and ask because I didn't think that was appropriate.

 

And then part of me thought- maybe he's happy and dating someone else- maybe that's why she didn't try to talk to me more or offer up anything else aside from 'I'm good' maybe there is someone else, maybe she has gotten close to her and she loves her and I am not even an after thought to anyone in the family anymore. And then I think to myself 'Why does this all matter?' and this was WHY I shouldn't have even reached out to your mom because these thoughts spiral and become just out of control. Then I thought for a minute in talking to your mom, inadvertently giving her my new number she would tell you, and you would have it and then maybe you would text me. Its so stupid. I'm so stupid. I feel like a nut. And I feel like my motives were in the wrong place.

 

Don't even know where I'm going with this all. But I have a bad feeling I will wind up texting you as much as I fight, and I will feel rejected and I'll be hurt all over again. Especially for the holiday. Not the right time of year to do something to leave myself in a depression. Just don't trust my emotions lately and that's not good. I'm scared I'm going to wind up hurting myself and I know it, so why can't I stop these thoughts? I haven't told any of my friends about these thoughts because I know they are very tired of hearing about all this. I can't say I blame them, its been a really long time and the same old story time after time. So I'm putting this here in hopes that it being spelled out will stop me.

[Hazyillusions]

I need to get over you E. I'M TRYING SO F HARD. WHY CAN'T I JUST LET YOU GO? I'm crying right now, I need a l ittle E hug terribly.

[whyumad]

You've finally done it. For the past 5 1/2 years you've run from your problems & broke up with me countless times. You played these wicked head games that have me so f*cked up now, but you finally did it. Last time I didn't say a word to you after you broke up with me, but I hurt dearly & YOU came running back out of jealousy since I was dating others. This time I'm done for good, no matter how much I think I love you...I'm done. All these years I tried so hard, but you've finally pushed me to the point of no return. I'm done fighting for someone who treats me like sh*t, who doesn't appreciate me or anything I do for them. I can't believe you'd actually do this to me, I can't believe you'd push me to not care anymore. I cry now not because I want you back, but I'm sad that I have no more feelings left & it scares me & hurts me that this has happened. I fought for us to be together forever & now I'm here, lacking any feelings for you...why did you do this? Are you happy now? I won't be here when you decide to come back, I just hope it doesn't hurt as bad as it hurt every time you left me. I love you...or do I? I don't know anymore. You've led me to question if this was ever love, or if it was just some sick obsession. Idk anymore, I hate you for what you did to me. I miss you, but I don't. I miss the comfort, but not the misery that was daily. I miss your smile, but I don't miss your lack of drive or passion to do anything with your life. I just miss your physical presence, because emotionally you were never truly there.

[sadbutrue]

I miss the old you...

[simplexity]

arggh should have not sent that last message ... oh well , it has been done ... anyways, there's nothing to it, just sharing some good news with you ..which I shouldn't be anymore ...tsk tsk when will I ever learn to stop making you a part of my life ...Just want to kick myself !! argggh

[Hazyillusions]

Saw your new pic on FB, why did u cut your hair?

[IAmFCA]

I still talk to you in my head, when I run. I am in such a time of change, and I have been finding my lessons in the examples of other people. You are one of those people. So when I was running up the hill this morning, I remembered you telling me to do it, knowing that it was a mind game. And with this fellow I am dating, he gave me the opportunity to date someone who asked for nothing, so I could hear my own voice. What do I ask for?

 

And when I voice what I ask for, it is the same dmn thing you say you ask for.

 

Why the h are you not dating me?

 

But look at the growth that I am accomplishing in the meantime. Still, your absence proves to be a gift.

 

Who ARE you??? that i could use you for so many lessons? What you think of me is your business, but I do hope you create the chance to meet me anew.

[micro]

Its almost a year since we broke up.

I've not moved on much.

I've tried with few other women after you. But it has not worked...simply they were not you.

You were my soul mate, and I lost you.

I made one of greatest mistakes in my life....I wish if I could fix it. I wish circumstances could join us together again....

I miss to talk with you, to see your smile. Holidays are coming...again will spend them without you.

Hope that you are happy...

 

The man who loves you more than himself.

[Hazyillusions]

Heard you're with someone new.

 

 

 

Ouch.

[iamstrong]

I am probably moving accross the pond. You will lose in the long run.

[Hazyillusions]

Goodbye Erik.

[MisSunny]

Yes, I would like to see a movie, but... Why are you asking? I can't go today anyway. I'm sick, feeling miserable. Why did you ask me? I wish you would just say what you're thinking. If you wanna try something again, just say so. If you just want to be friends, well. You should already know what I think of that. I told you the day you broke up with me. Or do you think things are all better now?

[IAmFCA]

I just wrote this:

 

"I am going for can I trust you, do I respect you, do you turn me on (which is, of course, a brain/body/soul combo)."

 

This was you, then I started losing respect for you. I want to gain that back. Not that it matters atm.

[Hazyillusions]

I really loved you.

[SeattleSigh]

Miss you, kid. Want to reach out and say hi. Want to talk through things. It hurts not to do so, but I have to stay strong. It's time.

[Phish23]

30 days no contact. Still feel like I love you and miss you. The next 30 days will hopefully be better than the first.

[Newbuck80]

I loved you with my entire heart, more than I have ever loved any other women before you tenfold. You lied and tore my heart out. I'm looking at another sleepless night wondering what went wrong and why you did what you did. You will realize one day what you lost, and it will be too late, in fact it already is.

[Phish23]

Do you think about me before you fall asleep like I think of you?

[thatdevilsblue]

you know, a few weeks ago when we last talked you told that you haven't deleted my phone number yet because it would "suck to lose me completely", despite you not initiating contact yourself whenever we talk, and i got around to thinking about what you meant by it...and i think you just have my phone number still (unless you've deleted it since we last talked 3 weeks ago) so you can still have a piece of contact info for me until you find the next guy...as if you're using me as a safety until when and if the next guy comes into your life, whether you contact me or not...i could be wrong, but thats what i'm starting to believe...i gave it my all with you and love and cared for you with all my heart, and it hurts me so much that you're not willing to give it one more try with me even though it would be our 4th time...you tell me you miss me and still care for me and tell me i'm awesome still, yet you don't want me anymore...if thats not sending mixed signals, i don't know what is...for being your first love, boyfriend, serious relationship and person you lost your virginity to, i've set very high standards and even you admitted that...i just hope you realize what you're losing as more and more time goes on and you try comparing me to other guys like you have a few times already and they don't end up comparing to me at all...you let one negative outweigh the million positives you love about me and thats your loss...as badly as i want to talk to you still and kinda wish we could give it another go, i guess i give up...never thought say that, but i give up...i can't keep chasing after you anymore, giving you undeserved attention and the satisfaction of knowing that i'll always be there anymore, and i certainly can't sit around waiting and wondering anymore...i still care very much for and still have some love for you, whether you love me still or not, and if you do end up contacting me yourself in the near or distant future, don't expect me to be as enthusiastic as i usually am with you, that is, if i decide to respond at all!

[Hazyillusions]

God knows what is hiding in this world of little consequence

Behind the tears, inside the lies

A thousand slowly dying sunsets.