Pushed out of our home by so-called friend - How do I deal with the anger??

[mca1975]

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Dear All,

 

I have just moved out of my home where I lived alone for 3 years to be with my boyfriend.

 

I moved in with him and his long time friend, who was also a friend of mine. Not long before I moved in, my boyfriend's flatmate's girlfriend moved in. She has been out of work ever since she lived there and just sits around all day watching telly, while the rest of us work. This has annoyed me quite a bit, but I am too polite to obviously say anything.

 

So basically there has been four of us living there. It's been difficult, but we have gotten on fine and well and have had a few laughs along the way. It was meant to be for three months only and then we were all moving out seperately with our partners to find our own places.

 

About a month in, last week, an argument erupted where 'she' went ballistic at my boyfriend. She spoke to him like s*** and was very aggressive. My boyfriend is not the toughest of guys and is in no way a fighter. She is very loud and bossy. I am also like my boyfriend, very friendly and bubbly but can be quite reserved and in no way likes confrontation.

 

I won't go into the ins and outs of the reason the argument came about, but basically it was over something breaking which was an accident, which got sorted out within a few hours, but she insisted on it being fixed NOW! She was rude and demanding and totally unreasonable about it. Her boyfriend, (my boyfriend's friend), was ok about it to begin with but she kept on about it and wound him up into a frenzy and then he was calling my boyfriend abusing him down the phone. She then proceeded to slag us off on facebook, which really angered me. We didnt reply as we didnt want to sink to that level.

 

When we got back to the flat a couple of days later, as we went away for the weekend, they carried on as normal but we were both so wound up and upset about what had happened that we needed to raise how we felt with them.

 

An almighty argument ensued. We were trying to put our point accross that we think they were totally unreasonable and rude. We had apologised for the breakage and had arranged for it to be fixed a few hours later. btw, this was not a personal possession or anything.

 

They proceeded to get angry with us and were VERY aggressive and called us scum and all sorts of things and basically frightened us. They are both a lot bigger than the both of us!

 

That night that we stayed at the house, I could not sleep until 5am as I could not deal with the atmosphere. I felt afraid and totally intimidated. We have been staying at my friends house for the last two nights.

 

We have spoken to the Landlord and have planned to move out on Friday while they are away for the weekend, but we are not telling them. I just cannot live in that environment where I feel scared and totally disrespected. I cannot believe the audacity of it all. They don't care that they have pushed us out and they claim that we are totally inconsiderate but it is them that has used aggression and fear to drive us out, so much so, that we don't feel comfortable in our own home. To make things worse, it is my boyfriend's home. He lived there first.

 

I have so much anger inside me, but I know it would be wrong to retaliate and hopefully we will have the last laugh. All of our stuff is still in that flat, so we cannot cause a fuss or might get broken.

 

It's such a total injustice against us! I can't believe that people can be so awful to other people! Me and my boyfriend are good people. I cannot stand arguing or if I feel someone doesn't like me. I am just totally consumed with anger and I cannot sleep properly at the moment. I am jumping in my sleep and they have no idea how this has affected me. They don't care.

 

I feel so sorry for my boyfriend as he feels bad that he cannot be more "direct" with his so-called friend, because he is a little afraid of him. He is disgusted and I know that he is really hurting inside that this has happened and that his friend spoke to me in that way. He has lost a friend forever.

[trezz]

other then the emotional upset i would be concerned as to the items you are leaving behind.

are your things safe and locked away?

if possible take photographs of your belongings so if they met with any accidents you have proof of the condition before you left. would your landlord vouch for the date photos are taken?

 

will you be liable for rent if you do not clear your items?

these people are losers better away from them.

other people will get to know the type of people they are so it's easier said then done but concentrate on you and your happiness. let them wallow in their own nastiness.

practical issues should be the main prioty.

[lavenderdove]

There are some people who are positive influences on other people, and some people who are negative catalysts, and the roommate's girlfriend sounds like a negative catalyst whose own aggression brings out the worst in other people.

 

There are all kinds of scientific experiments proving that any species of animal gets very aggressive and territorial when overcrowded, and its sounds like your place just isn't big enough for 4 people and it just spun out of control from there.

 

So i'd just recognize that it is time to move, and don't let the anger consume you. I suspect your boyfriend's friend was overinfluenced by his own girlfriend's aggression, and that once it all dies down and you move out, the friend may regret his actions.

 

But if you are afraid of them at this point, i agree 100% that you should move out ASAP and without any further confrontations. It is best to just get away from anyone who is out of control for any reason.

[mca1975]

Thank you for your replies.

 

It's so laughable because she paints herself to be a very caring and positive light in everyone's life. How wrong can someone be. She does not even have a conscience it seems, which I find rather shocking in a woman especially. She certainly has no respect whatsoever, even for the person whose home she is staying in.

 

Our belongings are still there. We have not reacted further to the argument so they feel that all is ok and that we are just having a 'calming down' period. The roomate even text my BF this morning asking for a favour???!!!! We are having to bite our tongue in order to protect our things from any harm.

 

We have been in contact with the Landlord and explained the whole situation and they agree with us that we cannot stay, they are investigating how to take my boyfriend's name off the Lease right now.

 

I agree its hard sharing space with three others, I have also found this hard at times but I'll be damned if I'll take it out on other people in the house and create further misery and bad feeling. It's no-one's fault.

 

The injustice on my boyfriend is just despicable. I am truly sickened, but yes, I will try and forget the anger and let it go and just look to the future. It just drives me mad that they (or she rather) does not even know us and what we're about but is painting us as the 'bad guys'. I want other people to know what they're like!

[trezz]

i have known people who paint themselves as gods own people when in truth fallen angels would be a better description. i know the need to let others know the truth.

in time they have shown themselves up without my help.

 

who deserves your time,you or them?

 

on the other hand sometimes a little revenge is good for the soul.

just dont get caught or do anything illegal.

 

good luck.

[1MoreChance]

I'm really sorry you experienced that. she sound slike an unstable intimidator that influenced her bf to get involved with the abuse toward you and your bf. you're better off cutting all ties with them.

 

In time you will be back to your old self. try to do some breathing exercises before going to bed to help calm you down.

[Lonewing]

Just let the anger go - and move on [out!!]

 

You'll feel better with them entirely out of your life!

[mca1975]

Thank you so much all.

 

We have now moved out and moved on. We didnt tell them we were moving out but we did the right thing and contacted the Landlord etc. They will be getting a shock tonight when they return from holiday to find us moved out.

 

I just could not have survived in that atmosphere and I could not let me or my boyfriend brush it over and 'make-up' so to speak because the level of disrespect would have just gotten worse and dragged us both down.

 

Thank you all.

[mca1975]

I am so seething hopping mad today!!!

 

The day of reckoning came yesterday and after we had moved out everything out of my boyfriends house within 3 days, they came home to find us gone, after pushing us out of our own home. Then they called today and said that they are HAPPY and love the place without all of our stuff in it and they will be staying on there. So it looks like we have done them a favour!!! Even though they have nothing but a sofa in the front room and some kitchen utensils

 

I am livid and I dont know what to do with it. Now me and my boyfriend are arguing about it and we are both at the end of each other's tether.

 

If its not enough that its such a monstrous wrongdoing that we just have to accept, but it is really doing our heads in not having any space at all at his parents house, his mum fusses over us all night when we are there and doesnt stop talking. I hate it right now.

 

My boyfriend says im selfish, which I know I am!!!

 

I don't know how to stop being an idiot over this and letting it consume me!

 

I cannot stand what they have done to my boyfriend!!! I feel angry at my boyfriend for staying calm even, even though he says he is hopping mad too!!!

 

 

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

[Batya33]

Mabe a truism but I have seen more and more in my relationship - and we have discussed it - that people choose different battles to fight and we each have to accept that to a significant degree even when we don't understand it in the least, especially when it seems inconsistent with the battle they do choose to fight. This is a time to count your blessings and to remember you wanted to live with your boyfriend more than you wanted to live in a certain location. Obviously you can't stay at his parents long term but remember you wanted to celebrate the status of living together - you still are, so keep celebrating or at least remembering your priorities.

 

I am really sorry about this frustrating situation. I never had a roommate and this was one of the reasons why. Someday you will laugh about it!

[mca1975]

Thank you Batya, I am feeling so bitter about it. It's eating me up inside.

 

I really let people get to me and have a nervous disposition, whereas my boyfriend is more thick-skinned than I. He is mad with them and doesnt want them in our life, but I can't seem to let go of the anger, and because I do not channel my anger directly in a proper fashion, instead it festers inside of me, and comes out in moodiness to whoever I am around the longest! I don't mean to.

 

We are not staying at his parents long-term thank god, they have been very good, but it feels like we have gone back in time. My boyfriend is taking this hard aswell.

 

We have agreed not to talk about "them" anymore as it was causing us to argue. Hopefully that will help.

 

I know someday we will laugh about it. Revenge is all I care about at the minute, but you never know, they could be putting on a big front by saying they are enjoying the space and are able to stay on. sigh..... very frustrating times.

 

You are right, I would be miserable if I was to be alone in my flat again and would miss my boyfriend so much and want to be with him. It all just seems to have come at a time where I wasnt yet even used to living with anyone and now I'm living with my boyfriends parents who I do not know very well yet!

[Lonewing]

Thank god they're gone...

 

From here on out it's you, babe, and him. Look at how WELL he took the whole thing - he didn't blow up, he didn't lose his cool, he didn't get mean - it sounds to me like you have the real genuine article in your life!

 

Mean people suck but that's life.

 

So let go of that old life you had in hell. You beat them by moving on, and now they have their hell all to themselves. Don't worry about how they are doing, because they are now out of your life.

 

And above all, get a grip on yourself!!

 

Not many of us get the opportunity to go back in time. I know if I could, I would, to a certain place where everything was magical for me once. Take these moments for what they are worth!

[carbon14]

I'm willing to bet the whole "we're so happy you're gone" bit is an act. If only 1 of them is employed, paying rent will definitely wipe the smile off their face. As will paying to replace the furniture that they could have shared with you. Good on you two though for rising above it & not making this ugly fight any uglier.

 

I know how much it sucks to be so angry & not be able to do anything, but things usually have a way of balancing out in the end. Plus look at it this way: even though you guys are out of an apt, you have each other which is more than your former friends have-with such a toxic relationsip, I doubt they'll be together long (usually self-righteosness isn't a good thing, but everything in moderation). Like you said, one day you'll look back & laugh. Why not see this as an opportunity to get to know the bf's family better!

[mca1975]

Ah thanks so much for your replies all, I am actually taking this opportunity now to get to know his parents better and I am warming to them quite a bit now.

 

It can't be easy for them as they are quite a bit older than my parents and his mum is retired, but I think she likes having us around.

 

In fact, we went to view a house this morning and its made us feel so much better, even though its probably not the one we will take as its too expensive unfortunately.

 

You know what, I do respect my boyf for not losing control (or his temper). When I saw his flatmate/friend/my friend lose it like that and become aggressive it really frightened me and who knows, some day his girlfriend might be on the receiving end of that. But for now, its sad that this guy ruins a friendship over his girlfriend being so god damn unreasonable.

 

Moving onwards and upwards. Thanks all