Apology acknowledged - next step

[pui]

Also agree with DN, you should confront him about this once and for all: no more breaks or break ups, he either decides to try it out with you seriously, without running away or withdrawing whenever he feels like it, or this time it's over for good. But make sure you tell him how you feel, otherwise he could still put the blame on you for whatever.

[LazyDaisy]

Also agree with DN, you should confront him about this once and for all: no more breaks or break ups, he either decides to try it out with you seriously, without running away or withdrawing whenever he feels like it, or this time it's over for good. But make sure you tell him how you feel, otherwise he could still put the blame on you for whatever.

 

 

I will tell him if he comes back. I am not saying another word for now. I poured my heart out to him over yesterday and this morning. He response was - "they are killing me at work and I have a severe stress headache".

I even asked him right out what he was thinking and what he wanted - I told him I really didn't have any idea at this point. This was the response. So I am backing off and assuming the worst and moving on with my life. If he comes back I might just not be single this time! lol - I know I need time alone to figure myself out before I get involved with anyone else. I am just going to have a wonderful summer with my little boy.

 

PUI - I'm glad your man finally came around.

[DN]

I think your mistake is that you have an all or nothing approach - and it has to be on your terms.

 

i don't think that is serving you. I think you need to stop making these dramatic announcements and messages over text and e-mail and start working out the best way to put this back together - if that is really what you want.

 

That requires a calm, face to face meeting at which you both say what you want from each other, negotiate, compromise and work things out so both of you are happy. But all this breaking up, getting back together, reading into messages things that may not be there, getting annoyed because the responses are not immediate - all of this is just making matters worse.

[LazyDaisy]

I think your mistake is that you have an all or nothing approach - and it has to be on your terms.

 

i don't think that is serving you. I think you need to stop making these dramatic announcements and messages over text and e-mail and start working out the best way to put this back together - if that is really what you want.

 

That requires a calm, face to face meeting at which you both say what you want from each other, negotiate, compromise and work things out so both of you are happy. But all this breaking up, getting back together, reading into messages things that may not be there, getting annoyed because the responses are not immediate - all of this is just making matters worse.

 

DN - I am a drama queen! But he already knows that about me. Seriously though, you are right. I need to learn patience. I guess I am a little spoiled. I seriously try to have empathy and put myself in his shoes. But its hard when I am feeling anxious waiting to hear what the fate of the rest of my life is going to be. The truth is, I am a single mom, I'm very busy, I'm afraid to trust any other man around my son - at least in the beginning. I know that if him and I break up its going to mean being single for a long time. I know that isn't a reason to stay with someone - I do also love him. And my son is also very attached. He keeps asking when he is going to see him. So that adds to the anxiety. I don't know what to tell him. Its just hard so I use these dramatic statements to try to get him to make a decision. Not working! So I'm going to do my best to just concentrate on myself, my little one, my job, etc. I'm going to push him to the back of my mind. If I lose a few more pounds at least I will look good in a bikini this summer.

[DN]

I'm going to push him to the back of my mind

You're doing it again!!

 

Really!! Stop doing this - it will not serve you.

[LazyDaisy]

You're doing it again!!

 

Really!! Stop doing this - it will not serve you.

 

 

? I thought that is what I was supposed to be doing. Giving him time and space. I can't propose we meet and talk. I have done that already. His last text was clearly a message to leave him alone. The ball is in his court now.

[DN]

But what you are doing is closing your mind. When I suggested moving on earlier that was before you said there had been further communication after the break-up.

[LazyDaisy]

But what you are doing is closing your mind. When I suggested moving on earlier that was before you said there had been further communication after the break-up.

 

DN - Sorry this is so confusinG!

There was a lot of communication back and forth last night but nothing was solved. There was a lot of blaming and finger pointing. The last thing I told him this morning was that I did not wish to break up but that I already apologized and that I would give him space and if and when he wanted to talk we could work it out but I wasn't going to sit around and rot in the meantime. I said I was going to get out and enjoy the summer with or without him. I said his responses thus far have been very vague. I told him that many of his texts had sounded like he would never forgive me, but in response to that I had said I would leave him alone and that we would break up and he didn't seem to like that either. I told him he has left me totally confused. His response " They are killing me at work and I have the worst stress related headache u could possibly imagine" that is word for word. I said "sorry for your headache, go concentrate on work"

 

So you see - I am back to where I was almost a week ago. So I am leaving the ball in his court. FYI, I am 40 and this man is 48. We are not kids!

[DN]

There was a lot of communication back and forth last night but nothing was solved. There was a lot of blaming and finger pointing.

On both sides? There seems to have been a lot of that in this relationship and that needs to stop. Since I can only talk to you I can only suggest you be the one to try to change that dynamic and ask him to try something different with you.

[LazyDaisy]

On both sides? There seems to have been a lot of that in this relationship and that needs to stop. Since I can only talk to you I can only suggest you be the one to try to change that dynamic and ask him to try something different with you.

 

 

Mostly on my side - his was only in response to me. I swear I get so desparate for communication I will take anything - even name calling. I know I can't be the only one who is like this. Anyway, you are right I can only control my own behavior not his - which is in essence what I have been trying to do all along. No more name calling, pointing fingers or trying to force him to make a move. I used to have much more self control. Like I said, I just wanted to speed up the make up process but I have ended up doing just the opposite. I haven't seen him in 8 days and the anxiety is starting to ease a bit.

[Circe]

I wonder how he would have communicated with people before mobile phones and the internet then? Which wasnt that long ago..

 

What would he have done? Just not spoken to anyone?

 

I don't understand the mess here because I don't know what he blames you for exactly or how it's all come to this but I really feel for you when you talk about that anxiety. I've felt it before in a different relationship and it's a totally disabilitating feeling.

 

If that feeling is the norm in your relationship then either this relationship is not working for you; or, this relationship is not working for you at the moment.

 

Perhaps it wouldnt hurt to spend some time alone reflecting on things and moving beyong past hurts?

 

Don't worry too much about borderline personality disorder. I had an eating disorder for many years and was in therapy for it and it probably triggered or exascerbated some very destructive behaviour from me in other aspects of my life as well. During that time, I did heaps of reading on psychology related stuff and what I learned about BPD is that many psychologists think its not a real disorder, but a general term under which some people bunch symptoms which are not particularly healthy, but don't really manifest a particular disorder of any kind.

 

And if you focus too much on BPD you can end up getting more in a trap and feeling like you have little power over your behaviour and thinking when that's not true..

[LazyDaisy]

I guess I was just looking for a label to put on it or maybe an excuse for my behavior. In general I did not feel anxious in this relationship. Only during the period where contact was held to once a week, and a few times when we were fighting.

 

When we first started dating which was 3 years ago he did not text at first, he used to call, then he started texting and never called again. I really don't mind the texting as I am not a phone person, but its hard to have convo's sometime over texts. In general we just talk when we see one another.

 

Its 7:30 and this is around the time he gets home from work. I usually get a text everyday at this time. Its a very uneasy feeling not hearing from him. I just don't understand why he is doing this. Doesn't he miss me? Isn't he getting lonely or is he just relieved to be rid of me? I'm ok when I am at work and busy but now that I am home i'm going crazy. For the past week and a half I have gotten drunk every night to ease the pain.

[Circe]

Are there friends you can hang out with? Videos/DVDs you'd really love to watch? Family you can visit? Maybe hand-made greeting cards you could make? (I always find that very therapeutic).. a Gym you could join and get addicted to? Cook up a storm, maybe? Plan a detailed holiday?

 

All things being equal, I think restricting contact or going silent without an explanation etc is a cruel way to treat a partner. But you did say you were both broken up. So perhaps try treating it as a break up, as DN said? In a break up, you wouldnt be expecting him to contact you. If he does thats great and you can listen to what he says and communicate how hurt you have felt by the last few days and how damaging it has been.

 

But unless that happens, treat it as a break up? That might ease the anxiety in that, at least you arent waiting for contact.

 

Of course it doesn't help with the heart break. For that.. I recommend distracting youself in the ways I mentioned above...

[LazyDaisy]

Indigo - I belong to a gym. We used to work out together. I'm a single mom so activities are limited for me because I would have to get a babysitter to do anything. Right now he is in time out in his room because he is giving me a really hard time.

 

I am definitely treating it as a breakup and I don't really expect to hear from him anytime soon. 2 years ago we didn't speak for 5 months. Not a peep. We had a fight just like this one and I told him never to contact me again or I would call the police and he didn't. I saw him one day at a red light. I motioned for him to call me. We talked and he said he missed me every day for those 5 months but he did not contact me because he was afraid I would really call the police. I think he knows me better than that by now. He knows its an idle threat and he also knows that I really want to reconcile. Anyway I was miserable every day for those 5 months. I was alive but not living. I was just going through the motions of everyday live. I drank every night and became addicted to sleeping pills. I dread going through this all over again.

[Circe]

 

 

I guess ultimately, I feel like you shouldn't be so dependent on a relationship that causes you so much unhappiness in the first place.

 

I mean if you fight to such an extent where you say "it's over, don't contact me or I'll call the police" - that's not a good relationship, is it? And all the fighting you have recently been doing too.

 

It sounds like your relationsip can bring out the worst in both of you (as well as the best) and that just doesn't seem like an overall healthy, overall rewarding relationship to be in.. even if it might seem like it's all you want.

 

And if the loss of a relationship like that makes you feel like you need to take sleeping pills and drink yourself to sleep.. then s urely there have to be deeper issues with you at play here?

 

All I know is I felt like that once because of a relationship that was - ultimately bad for me, made me anxious all the time and brought out the worst in me - .. and what I really needed was not the relationship back... but the ability to work on myself and make myself happy and whole.. by myself again.

 

And once I was.. I could see the old relationship for what it was.. not good for me.

[LazyDaisy]

I deleted my last thread, I hope no one had a chance to read it. It was rambling and crazy. Thats what happens when you take sleeping pills on top of alcohol!

 

Anyway, this morning he asked me if I want to get together friday just to talk. I said I would like that. I feel very relieved. I hope it goes well. Thanks to everyone here for your support and suggestions.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Indigo that you shouldn't be so dependent on a relationship that causes you so much unhappiness. On the other hand, I must say that rather than Indigo's astute observation that your relationship can bring out the best and worst in both of you, perhaps it hits closer to say that you bring out the best and worst of you in the relationshiop.

 

You have complete control over how you react and feel. And the fact that you suffered so much during your 5 month break up, and resorted to the addictive behaviors of drinking and consuming sleeping pills, tells me that there is an addict element in you that you need to address. You were, and still are, addicted to the drama in the relationship. In fact, you have been the one to start that drama - with the breakups etc. And often addicts have deeper internal issues that need to be addressed.

 

That break up was the time for you to heal, not to self-medicate. And that remains true today. It's not so much about him, really, as much as it is about you viewing him as your drug. And right now you are going through withdrawal. Start AA meetings if you need to. You need support right now ... not to forget. You need to feel the pain and the hurting of loss and understand how to be a whole, healthy woman without neither fear or need of commitment.

[bedazzled]

I was in a relationship with a woman with a BPD diagnosis. Her therapist recommended I read: link removed

 

The book helped me understand her and what she was going through.

[LazyDaisy]

link removed

 

 

Thanks. I have read this book and also "walking on eggshells". I don't fit BPD competely. Maybe a little. I went for 6 years without dating anyone and was perfectly content. I also don't see my BF very much - 2-3 times a week and have a full life outside of him. I get depressed when we are fighting and I self medicate - I don't think that is so unusual. I read many posts on here by people that are distraught over breakups. I just have to get my sleep so that I am able to function at work.

 

I think I confused about him - love him, hate his circumstances.

I also think I suffer from PMS as I have been tracking our fights and they are always during this same time of the month.

 

I may have become additicted to the drama and the attention after being single for so many years. That is something I will need to work on. I'm not sure how to do this. I don't think AA is appropriate because I am not an alcoholic. I've only been drinking to help with the anxiety. I will stop.

 

Wow - posting on here - and the reponses makes me feel like I am really messed up with so many issues. I am actually a very capable, successful woman - I have a masters degree and I have a great career with a stable company. I used to have a lot of friends but have lost the really close one's unfortunately. I am working on making new ones.

[Ms Darcy]

I am sure that you are very successful, no doubt about that. I know some others on here are VERY successful as well, as am I. Interestingly, success in business/education and success in relationships can be two very different animals. Personal relationships bring out all sorts of 'stuff' - that deep, mommy, daddy, id, ego, unrelenting childhood pysche stuff because it often centers around our core emotional needs and desire for love.

 

You may not be an alcoholic. I would, however, advise you to stop drinking TODAY. You say you don't know how to work on the possible addiction you developed with the relationship drama. First, keep your mind clear. Start exercising with your son. Maintain a mood journal to observe your thoughts. Answer those questions I suggested earlier. That's a start.

 

I suggest really keeping your mind clear and working on this now because if not, you are essentially just kicking the can down the street - like you did during the 5-mo break up period. Then you'll be in your next relationship with commitment issues explaining that you were traumatized by this relationship instead of working through the issues to have a better experience next time.

[LazyDaisy]

Thanks Ms Darcy - you sound like you know what you are talking about. I'm not going to drink anymore and I will take your suggestions. I'm going to starting writing things down in a journal for myself instead of to him from now on.

[Ms Darcy]

Good for you! There is a difference between normal and healthy. For some people depression is normal because that is all they know. But is it healthy? No. Working to recover from or manage depression is healthy. And it requires work. Best of luck to you on your work.

[Circe]

Wow - posting on here - and the reponses makes me feel like I am really messed up with so many issues. I am actually a very capable, successful woman - I have a masters degree and I have a great career with a stable company. I used to have a lot of friends but have lost the really close one's unfortunately. I am working on making new ones.

 

Don't feel that way! You can be successful and competent but still in a bit of an emotional mess - temporarily. At my most emotionally messy point - I had two degrees, an amazing job and a great group of friends.

 

[i've since lost the close friends too. It still makes me feel sad.]

 

I don't think you should self-medicate, missy. I'm not sure I agree that "most" people do that. Health care professionals have to spend eons in school for a reason!

[michaelhopes]

Unless I'm missing something here or your'e leaving something out all I see here is another "preemptive breakup" on your part.......You expect him to snap to your tune 2 days after all this......Reread this post again from the standpoint of someone that has been dumped......

[LazyDaisy]

Unless I'm missing something here or your'e leaving something out all I see here is another "preemptive breakup" on your part.......You expect him to snap to your tune 2 days after all this......Reread this post again from the standpoint of someone that has been dumped......

 

There were a lot of texts going back and forth. I sent him one on Mon saying that I really didn't want to break up and alot of what I was doing was to try to force a reation from him. I told him I had no idea of how he was feeling or what he wanted to do. I told him that if and when he wanted to talk I would listen. To that he wrote back that he was being killed at work and that he had a headache. Then yesterday morning he sent a text asking if I would like to get together on Friday after work to talk. I said that I would.

 

I feel much better and hopefully we are on the road to recovery. Maybe he just needed to be the one to make the decision to talk. I am a little nervous about seeing him and how we are going to discuss our issues. 1. I don't want it to escalate into another argument. 2. I am afraid he will just say - lets just forget it ever happened. That is his usual answer. I was thinking about actually writing some concerns down on a piece of paper and asking him to comment. Is this a dumb idea?