Apology acknowledged - next step

[LazyDaisy]

I tried to link my last thread but don't know how to do that.

 

I was upset this morning because I had texted an apology to my BF or ex BF - I'm not even sure anymore - for really mean things I had said to him over the past few days. It wrote 2 of them and it took him about 7 hours to finally reply. All he said was "No problem. Don't be so hard on yourself"

 

So I sent a reply saying" thank you for acknowledging my apology. I hope it made you feel a little better. I never meant to hurt you. I am going to get some help with my anger. Have a great weekend and I would really like to get together to talk soon - but I will leave that to you to decide if that is something you want to do"

 

I sent that at 2 pm today. No reply. We had texted eachother ever day several times a day without missing even one day for the past 9 months.

 

I wish I knew what he was thinking - is he going to break up with me? Is he just trying to punish me? Is he trying to act like he doesn't care about me? Or is he genuniely not over what happened and deciding if he wants to see me again?

 

For me whenever I have been mad at him - as soon as he apologized I just want to get back to normal. Maybe men are different in this respect?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

is he going to break up with me?

 

This is from your last thread:

Its a long story but I broke it off with him because I didn't want him to do it first. We were dating for over 3 years until a few days ago. So techinically i'm not his GF anymore if we broke up but I would like to think the relationship meant something.

 

 

You broke up with him..and in this last email you didn't say anything about wanting to reconcile with him...you left it up to him and yet as far as he is concerned you broke up with him. Your apology was simply referring to the mean things you said.

 

So why would you think he would break up with you when you already broke up with him?

[summerpeach]

No, he's making you sweat and trying to regain some of the control he lost.

 

I'm very much like you. Work on your anger and your need for control.

[LazyDaisy]

Crazyaboutdogs - why are you so hard on people when you post replies?

 

What I meant was - is he never going to talk to me again. I said I wanted to get together to talk - so obviously I want to reconcile. By ignoring me is he trying to punish me or is he probably never going to talk to me again. I'm sweating it out because it is not like him to ignore me. Usually we text all day long.

[LazyDaisy]

No, he's making you sweat and trying to regain some of the control he lost.

 

I'm very much like you. Work on your anger and your need for control.

 

Summerpeach - I hope you are right. I really want to hear from him again and I know that I must work on my anger. He knows that I have anger issues and said that is just the way I am and he loves me anyway. Maybe he is tired of it.

 

Now I am starting to think because I wrote "have a good weekend" that he won't even contact me until after the weekend.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Crazyaboutdogs - why are you so hard on people when you post replies?

 

What I meant was - is he never going to talk to me again. I said I wanted to get together to talk - so obviously I want to reconcile. By ignoring me is he trying to punish me or is he probably never going to talk to me again. I'm sweating it out because it is not like him to ignore me. Usually we text all day long.

 

I am not being hard, I am merely trying to get the facts straight because you said one thing in your previous thread and something else in this thread. By your own admission you did not treat him right during your relationship and just recently...and yet you expect him to immediately forgive you just because you apologize and say you are working on yourself. I am merely trying to show you that this is not just about you...you hurt him and you need to realize that when you hurt someone really badly they might need more time to deal with it...it can't be according to your schedule. You need to stop being impatient for your needs and try to understand his needs and where he is coming from.

[summerpeach]

Summerpeach - I hope you are right. I really want to hear from him again and I know that I must work on my anger. He knows that I have anger issues and said that is just the way I am and he loves me anyway. Maybe he is tired of it.

 

Now I am starting to think because I wrote "have a good weekend" that he won't even contact me until after the weekend.

 

don't try to analyze too much, it's going to drive you mad.

You stated your case, Let him think about it. Make an appointment with a therapist and work on your and stop trying to control the outcome of what he's going to do.

I know it hurts, but he will come around if he loves you

 

and CrazyAboutDogs is a great lady who tells it like it is and means no harm

She has great advice

[LazyDaisy]

thanks to both of you. I am very tired as I have not slept or eaten properly in a week. This fight started last Wed. I will try to be patient. I am just not used to him being silent like this. All fights in the past he has always been the one trying to get my attention. This is the first it has been the other way around.

 

I'm going to just leave him alone. I might even turn my phone off and give it to a relative for a few days.

[michaelhopes]

I said I wanted to get together to talk - so obviously I want to reconcile

It isn't obvious to him, just to you.....having a talk could mean all kinds of bad things to him...like you want to still be friends,or rehash the past etc.

[LazyDaisy]

It isn't obvious to him, just to you.....having a talk could mean all kinds of bad things to him...like you want to still be friends,or rehash the past etc.

 

I hope he knows what I meant because I really don't want to send another text to clarify.

[summerpeach]

I hope he knows what I meant because I really don't want to send another text to clarify.

 

nononon...don't send any more txt.

 

Wait a week or so and see what happens

[DN]

I think you need to clarify - don't assume anything. Tell him that when you said you wanted to talk to him it was so you could put the relationship back together.

 

An apology is not the same as saying you made a mistake breaking up with him.

 

Wanting to talk could mean anything from wanting to give him his stuff back to wanting 'closure' because the relationship is really over.

 

Tell him what you want. You guys are already in enough trouble because you don't communicate properly. Don't go down that road again.

[michaelhopes]

If you are going to meet up don't resend a letter.....just realize part of him is expecting more pain.....

[LazyDaisy]

I think you need to clarify - don't assume anything. Tell him that when you said you wanted to talk to him it was so you could put the relationship back together.

 

An apology is not the same as saying you made a mistake breaking up with him.

 

Wanting to talk could mean anything from wanting to give him his stuff back to wanting 'closure' because the relationship is really over.

 

Tell him what you want. You guys are already in enough trouble because you don't communicate properly. Don't go down that road again.

 

Well I was thinking of sending a better apology with a mailed card. I could clarify it in the card. I don't want to text him again because if he doesn't want to talk to me he could view my repeated texts as harassment.

[michaelhopes]

Tell him that when you said you wanted to talk to him it was so you could put the relationship back together.

Unless he is over you and wants to move on....I bet this is exactly what he wants to hear....

[LazyDaisy]

If you are going to meet up don't resend a letter.....just realize part of him is expecting more pain.....

 

You could be right. I have been torturing the poor guy for a week. I broke up with him last wed but we had tickets to a concert on fri, so I put the argument aside to go to the concert. When we got home we had the same argument. Then Sunday I went to his house to try to make up and we had a few beers and the argument resurfaced. Then Monday we argued some more. Tuesday was silient on both sides. Then on Wed I asked him if I cooked his favorite dinner one nite next week would he come. he said sure. But then I didn't hear from him any more on Wed so I went crazy and said it didn't seem like he really wanted to reconcile. No reply - so then I just kept sending more and more. He finally wrote be back that he had been outside staining his deck and didn't hear the phone. I was so embarressed by my behavior I told him we needed to end it. (my preemptive breakup) The he asked for money that I owed him. I got so mad and said all you care about is money. Then I said a whole bunch of nasty things. That brings us to today - I apoligized and said I wanted to meet to talk.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

thanks to both of you. I am very tired as I have not slept or eaten properly in a week. This fight started last Wed. I will try to be patient. I am just not used to him being silent like this. All fights in the past he has always been the one trying to get my attention. This is the first it has been the other way around.

 

I'm going to just leave him alone. I might even turn my phone off and give it to a relative for a few days.

 

This is often what happens when one person in a relationship is always hurting the other and the other person continues to run after the partner who is hurting them. The one doing the hurting tends to feel complacent and takes the partner for granted..figuring the partner is so desperate for them they can do anything to them and they will still come running. Then when the partner has had enough of the mistreatment and starts setting boundaries and putting their foot down, the one who had caused the problems gets blindsided and panicky.

 

What you need to do at this point is take care of yourself...your whole self...body and mind. You need to make sure you eat and sleep because being deprived of food and rest will not allow you to make sound, rational decisions. You need to focus on your behaviours....you have been scrambling to do damage control without thinking about all the angles. Damage control doesn't work....you need to relax and think..take time to reflect and plan how you will change yourself, how to conduct yourself with him and how to communicate with him more effectively.

[summerpeach]

told ya she was wise

[LazyDaisy]

In reading my own posts here - I think getting together to talk is exactly what we need to do - to maybe reconcile maybe not. We need to talk about all this craziness and what we can do to prevent it. Only then can we reconcile. So I am just going to leave it as is. "I would like to get together to talk soon. I will leave it for you to decide if this is something that you want to do" this way I am giving him some say in it. I am not just ordering him to talk to me.

[DN]

I think that is a mistake for the reasons I gave before. It is non-specific and he could just refuse because he doesn't want more pain.

 

Let him know the truth.

[LazyDaisy]

I agree this is a very wise insite. It didn't start out this way. He just came of a marriage and for a long time there was little communication. I guess he wasn't ready. So he was the one in control back then. I only saw him once a week. Then as I got to know him more and we drew closer, he did several things to let me down. Bad things that warranted a break up. I would break up with him and he would wait a couple of days or weeks and then he would contact me and almost beg for me to come back and that he would impove. So over the past 8 months he has improved quite a bit. He has made so much progress at being a better boyfriend in the way I needed him to be. But then I think what happened is - I now find myself in what could be a really great relationship - its getting more serious and he has changed so much for the better. This is when I start with the nitpicking about everything and breaking up with him all the time. But he would always text me after a fight and say "i cant sleep if I know we aren't going to make up" So I would say its going to be ok - go to sleep. So now I am picking more fights and breaking up more and more - but making up quicker and quicker. Never staying mad even over night. I think I started to find myself in a realtionship that really could be working and the fear of commitment set in. I still couldn't stop breaking up with him all the time but I was making up quicker. I wouldn't make him sweat. But now the tables are turning again. He is back in control. Control that he lost a long time ago when he started to be a good bf and I started being afraid of the committment. So if he gets rid of the committment and my fears - he goes back to getting control.

[michaelhopes]

I think DN is right....swallow your pride and forget the NC stuff in this instance. Of course when youve made it clear that you want to fix the relationship then fall back and wait.

I'll probably catch grief for this but most men expect periods of craziness from their women. And generally most men are pretty forgiving and let these things go....unlike most women who store the memories forever for future use....

You have a window of opportunity here. My window is a couple of months and I dont know what his is. All of my Ex's tried to get back together with me about a year later and I was long gone by then....

[jazzykat]

~What an EXCELLENT reply!*

[Ms Darcy]

Reading this thread and reading the responses has been such an interesting experience!

 

Three years is an awful long time to set up a controlled bad partner/good partner dichotomy where you have taken turns in each role. In my own personal experience, I have never seen a relationship last in the long run that has seen a lot of break ups and make ups.

 

Even in this thread you've been very defensive of solid, if not warm and fuzzy, advice and then able to step back and get at least a little perspective - and realize that CAD gave you great great advice. And yet STILL, I'm not entirely sure you get it. A great relationship is about communicating honestly, making it your priority to encourage a safe environment where you both can share while building trust, respect, and love through interaction as time goes by.

 

Speaking to your specific relationship again, it sounds like post marriage he transitioned from being emotionally cut off to being a bit more needy. You, on the other hand, probably never let go of your resentment of his treatment of you in the past. And thus the incredibly unhealthy cycle you are in now. And yet it continues as you break up with the guy ... again ... and then expect him to know 'obviously' that wanting to talk means reconciliation.

 

I do not believe this relationship has a chance in the long run until you start being honest with him AND yourself. You need to give up this control and defensiveness. You need to take your responsibility in your role in this. It's not about 'him trying to punish you.' It's about recognizing that he's a human being who didn't deserve your treatment despite his past actions. You need to forgive him. Then you need to hold yourself accountable. Understand that you are primarily responsible for the emotional space you are in now due to breaking up. And you need to recognize that all these break ups are unacceptable, manipulative, and immature. That is not to say that you are all of these things - rather that you need to make the DECISION to be more honest, open, and committed to this relationship.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I do not believe this relationship has a chance in the long run until you start being honest with him AND yourself. You need to give up this control and defensiveness. You need to take your responsibility in your role in this. It's not about 'him trying to punish you.' It's about recognizing that he's a human being who didn't deserve your treatment despite his past actions. You need to forgive him. Then you need to hold yourself accountable. Understand that you are primarily responsible for the emotional space you are in now due to breaking up. And you need to recognize that all these break ups are unacceptable, manipulative, and immature. That is not to say that you are all of these things - rather that you need to make the DECISION to be more honest, open, and committed to this relationship.

 

I agree with this. I will also say that the minute relationships are viewed in terms of who is in control..who has the upper hand...the relationship is completely unhealthy. Relationships should be about equality...not "one up, one down". When a relationship is viewed as who is in control...then it becomes a relationship of game playing and emotional abuse. I have seen so many relationships where one person feels the need to be "in control" and there is constant game playing...and guess what, the person who always schemes to be in control is actually not a happy and content individual.