Regretter Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Hi all, This is the first time I've ever told anybody this, but I really need advice. The back story is, I've been obsessed with this girl at my high school for a few years now, not exactly sure why, I just idolised her, and really craved talking to her. And up until a couple of months ago, I had never spoken to her. Now before I start, I want to let you all know that I consider this to be the biggest mistake I've ever made in my lifetime, and my biggest regret, and I'd do almost anything to undo it. I added her to my instant messenger under a fake name, and began to tell her how I was her stalker and secret admirer. She took this as a joke, and began wondering who I was. When I managed to sway the conversation away from her trying to guess who I was, we made good conversation, and I found her an absolutely amazing person to talk to. However, we got on to the topic of people in our school, and she mentioned to me that she hates (my real identity) the most. I asked her why, and she refused to tell me, saying it was due to personal reasons. This got me very worried, and I became extremely anxious to know why it was. After a week of talking, curiosity got me, so I came up with an idea, to make a deal with her. I'd tell her who I was, but in return, she had to answer one of my questions with total honesty. She agreed, and I told her who I really was, and asked her what her personal reasons were for hating me. She then refused to tell me, and said that she made it all up. After this, we made a bit of small talk, and she went offline. Weeks later, she came back online, and I began apologising to her, saying how I shouldn't have done what I did, etc etc. And she convinced me that it was all okay, only then to go and block me. I can see her online with my other email address, but not with the one I used to talk to her. So my question is, what should I do? Is there any way that I can fix this? I know what I did was very very wrong and cowardly, but I still can't get over her, I just loved talking to her, it was the best few days of my life. Should I speak to her with an alternate account? I have tried to talk to her in person, but I couldn't get the courage up to do so before high school finished. Sorry for the long post, and thanks in advance for any advice. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 This is what happens with lying and deceit. If I was her I wouldnt want to speak to you to be honest. Its betrayal and embarassing to find out you werent even talking to a real person. Link to comment
Regretter Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 This is what happens with lying and deceit. If I was her I wouldnt want to speak to you to be honest. Its betrayal and embarassing to find out you werent even talking to a real person. Not exactly, I don't blame her for hating me, but I just refused to tell her who I was because I thought that she would reject me instantly, due to my total unpopularity at my high school. I thought it might be safer for her to get to know me first, so she wouldn't instantly judge me. I didn't pretend to be someone else, since that would be totally deceitful, I just didn't tell her who I was. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 You added her under a different name that is deceit to me. I know you feel. I was unpopular at school too. And it sucked. But the way you went about it wsa the wrong way. ALl you can do is keep apologising. Link to comment
erase this face Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 She hated you before you started messaging her. You can't change anything. Link to comment
Regretter Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 You added her under a different name that is deceit to me. I know you feel. I was unpopular at school too. And it sucked. But the way you went about it wsa the wrong way. ALl you can do is keep apologising. It wasn't a different name, I was technically a "John Doe", anyway, let's not argue about that. You see, to apologise, I would have to use a different email address to do so, since she blocked my other one, and I'm not going to see her in person again for a long time, and not sure how long I can last.. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 You have to stop obsessing. There are other girls out there. Its not healthy to attach yourself to one person. You made a mistake. Yes. But if she didnt like you to start with Im not sure what there is you can do. Let it be for now. Shes not the only girl in the world. I promise. And life gets so much better after highschool. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I don't believe either that there is anything that you can do to change her opinion about you. If she didn't like you before, she is going to like you even less now (and totally justified). I would keep as far away as possible from someone who would do something like that to me. Since you keep arguing here about your degree of deceit, I'm wondering if you have been like this already when you were still at high school and that this might be one of the reasons why she disliked you in the first place. Take this as a lesson, a harsh one, but a necessary one. If you want to accomplish anything with people you have to be honest and you have to be honest to yourself aout your deceit. Fancy types of arguing that calling yourself a 'John Do' is not lying are not gonna be beneficial for you, nor are the right IMO Link to comment
Maverick32x Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 You're making excuses... she clearly wants little to nothing to do with you now... she has blocked you and has moved on... You flat out tried to pretend to be someone else.. and probably reinforced her negative image of you..... This was not the best way to go about starting a conversation with her... I would really stop trying to talk to her, or to even apologize.... I guarantee she views you as clingy and potentially creepy.... you "jokingly" mentioned you were her stalker, but I wonder how far that is from the truth... Link to comment
Regretter Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 To be fair, she never knew me before, I had never had a class with her, spoken to her, or even got close to any of her friends, so she shouldn't have had any reason to hate me, unless she was a really judgemental person. I try my best to be honest with people, but honestly doesn't always lead to the best sucess. I know it's better, morally and emotionally, but sometimes I just can't face being who I am. Also, to be honest, I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this girl. In the last 3 years, there hasn't been a minute when I haven't thought about her. I just don't understand how I could ever think about anyone else when I have already experienced the perfect girl. Link to comment
erase this face Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 The "perfect girl" who hates you for no reason. The "perfect girl" who you've never spoken to in person. Get out more. Link to comment
Maverick32x Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 hmm... well lets see here... you dont really know this girl..... I think thats the important part to glean from this.... how can you say you're in love with someone that you haven't even really MET before.... I think you're in love with the IDEA of being with someone like that..... Either by the way she looks or by the status she had at school... I can't stress enough that you don't KNOW her at all..... there are some really scary issues coming up here.. and you should take a good honest look at your situation and try to figure out why you're obsessing over someone that you don't really have any type of connection with.... Link to comment
Raistlin Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 To be fair, she never knew me before, I had never had a class with her, spoken to her, or even got close to any of her friends, so she shouldn't have had any reason to hate me, unless she was a really judgemental person. I try my best to be honest with people, but honestly doesn't always lead to the best sucess. I know it's better, morally and emotionally, but sometimes I just can't face being who I am. Also, to be honest, I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this girl. In the last 3 years, there hasn't been a minute when I haven't thought about her. I just don't understand how I could ever think about anyone else when I have already experienced the perfect girl. I was in this boat for 4 years. I was friends with this girl and I crushed on her for 4 long, agonizing years throughout highschool. I was even better friends with her brother. Since there's that rule about not dating your friends sister, I never made a move. I finally learned that my friend would have only let ME date his sister out of all of his friends. When I finally made my move... it was too late. She went out with someone else, and decided she liked him. They're now married and have a child. Since then, I've had 1 failed LTR, 1 short term relationship that went up in smoke, and a plethora of girls that I've liked or have liked me. Moral of the story? Don't obsess over one. Get out there, because there are plenty of others that may be interested in you and might be what you're looking for. I do regret not taking the chance, but I live and learn. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 If you have never spoken to this person, than you are infatuated with a fantasy, not the real person! It might be time to wake up from that dream. What do you mean by you have 'experienced the perfect girl' - you have not spoken to her, you don't have close friends - you don't really no this person! Sounds a bit obsessive and unrealistic to me. Link to comment
SunniDee Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 No. Obviously you're not getting it, so I'm going to be blunt with you to summarize what has been said: No. You do not make a new account to talk to her. She blocked you. She's not interested and doesn't want to talk to you ANYMORE. She's telling you to move on already. You sound like you're in serious denial here in this thread about how you are perceived and act. Re-evaluate yourself and you'll see any woman who had this encounter with a person like you would run for the hills. And rightly so! You don't win over quality women with tactics and behavior like this dude. You just don't. Link to comment
Regretter Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 I knew it was a bad way to word it when I said I'd experienced the perfect girl, because you're all right, I haven't. I actually have no idea what the entire obsession is based on, she's not one of the popular girls at school, nor is she even considered to be very pretty by other guys that I know. Even though I said my biggest wish is to undo everything I did, my second biggest would be to forget this obsession. I just can't though. I haven't been happy once since this whole thing went on, she drives me crazy and I can't even explain why. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Have you thought of seeing a counsellor to work it out? or just trying to stop thinking about her, distract yourself, go out. Link to comment
Regretter Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 I've never considered seeing a counsellor, because I just can't talk about my problems to anyone. That's why I love this site, because I can be much more anonymous. I go out quite a lot, I have a couple of friends, but no matter what I do, I'm always thinking about her. I'm unable to find anything that can distract me from thinking about her. Link to comment
r3ni Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 You definitely sound obsessed with her. Ironically your obsession will only drive her even further away. Your best bet is to write her a polite email explaining that you only did it because you found her very attractive and that this made you nervous to approach her directly. You realize now that it was wrong to initiate contact the way that you did and you are sorry. After you send her the email never contact her again. Never stare at her in school. Forget about her completely and live your life, find a hobby or take up a sport if you need distraction. She will either say good riddance or she will realize that maybe you aren't such a creepy weirdo stalker afterall and then she will approach you. If you ever do have to interact with her again for some reason (like in a class) then just treat her like any other random girl. Link to comment
g84 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 It sounds like a difficult situation, i'm sorry about how it turned out : (. I agree with the others in that, lying about your identity was a bad idea from the beginning. From what i understand you didn't really intend to just confuse her or trick her, you were trying to get to know her better in a way that seemed easiest at that time, i guess. It was a mistake, but you didn't mean harm. I agree that at this point, it would be best to distance yourself completely and try your best to move forward. I understand that this was a hurtful situation for you, though. If you want to, you can write her a letter simply saying that you didn't mean any harm and that you truly just thought she seemed like a cool person and you wanted to get to know her, and you apologize for not revealing your real identity. Then you leave it at that, and distance yourself. The fact that she claimed to dislike your real identity without actually knowing anything about you - who knows, maybe it tells you something about her. If you had never done anything to hurt her in any way, then maybe she's a petty or judgemental person that is not worth your worry in the first place. Link to comment
waveseer Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 She probably just said she hated you because she knew it was you. Would you have preferred she said she was in love with you only to find out later that she turned the tables on you? Link to comment
konstantine Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I would block you too. You are probably scaring her by doing something that deceitful and creepy. There is nothing you can do to change her personal opinion. I would look into some therapy and try to figure out your obsession and forget about talking to her. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I've never considered seeing a counsellor, because I just can't talk about my problems to anyone. That's why I love this site, because I can be much more anonymous. I go out quite a lot, I have a couple of friends, but no matter what I do, I'm always thinking about her. I'm unable to find anything that can distract me from thinking about her. This is part of your problem. You need to develop social skills in real life and that will help you process your thoughts in a more healthy way and get out and meet girls. I really think you should get some therapy. Link to comment
Circe Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Honestly, I don't think she hated you before you messaged her, during or after. I think she made it up because she suspected her secret admirer was you - but hoped it wasnt (because she doesnt feel the same way about you). So she devised a plan for sussing it out. And her plan worked perfectly. She doesn't hate you she just isnt interested in developing any sort of relationship with you now she knows how you feel about her. I'd just move right on and put it down to one of those crazy things you do when you are young and in love and wind up getting you mightly embarassed.. but you do get over it and life does go on. Sorry dude Link to comment
Regretter Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 I'm quite sure that she didn't know it was me, because I was very careful in doing this whole thing and never gave away anything. She might have hoped it wasn't me, like indigo777 said, and maybe she devised her plan to figure it out. Either way, if she did trick me like that, it was a smart thing for her to do. I know it would be the nice thing to do to write her an email/letter with an apology and explanation, but I'm not going to, mainly because of the reason that she could use this against me, by showing it to people in our school, and causing great embarassment for me. I wish it was as easy to move on and forget her as you make it sound, but I can't imagine anything that would be harder to do. I don't feel like meeting anyone else, because I know that there can't be anyone else as good as her. Link to comment
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