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Staying together for the children....


Qut81

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What are you thoughts on this? Do you think ppl who stay together for their children are doing the right thing?

 

What if one person is being unfaithful or there are serious issues in the relationship? Do you think its wise to stay together just so the children can have a balanced family?

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Not if you're both unhappy and resentful of each other, it's not the right thing. I know of a couple that is no longer in love with each other, but neither of them wants to give up seeing their kids every day. So they remain together and not in love, but they are great friends. It works for them.

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It depends far too much on the couple, their circumstances and the children to be able to make any sort of general rule. There is contradictory research as to the ill-effects on children if unhappy parents stay together or if they divorce and I think the reason for that is because each circumstance is so specific. What works for one may not work for another under apparently similar circumstances.

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What are you thoughts on this? Do you think ppl who stay together for their children are doing the right thing?

 

What if one person is being unfaithful or there are serious issues in the relationship? Do you think its wise to stay together just so the children can have a balanced family?

 

It created a disaster in my childhood. My mother finally admitted it was a mistake after she divorced my dad (I was 21). My childhood was filled with nothing but fighting - mom and dad, me and dad, me and mom. We were three very miserable and isolated people for those 21 years. Every neighborhood we lived in the neighbors just watched us fight.... know how hard it is to find friends when people hear you screaming at each other every night?

 

No, I think "staying together for the children" creates psychological issues later in life. Kids know when their parents have a strain between them.

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Yea, I agree. One of my friends said she used to sit and pray that her parents would get a divorce. She said the fighting and the yelling was way too much for her and her siblings to handle.

 

Im asking bc my cousin and her bf are trying to work things out, mostly for their 3 month old. He's cheating on her, shes beggining to cheat on him. He threatens to go to court and take the baby if she leaves him. Its a mess. They need counseling...IMO.

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I don't believe in staying together for the sake of the kids.

 

BUT

 

I DO believe in doing everything in your power to find your way back to each other and make your marriage work when you have children.

 

There's a fundamental difference.

 

Staying together, miserable, punishes everyone. Staying together, and being happy, benefits everyone. People need to spend more energy trying to figure out how to be happy together, before surrendering to a miserable marriage or a nasty divorce..

 

Yes, sometimes, there is NO other way. But a lot of times, with a bit of determination, consideration and effort, you can find the person you once loved enough to bring life into the world together, inside the person you have come to resent.

 

I'd never forgive myself if I gave up without believing that we tried everything to make it work, including things that I'm sure wouldn't work anyway..... My kids deserve nothing less.

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I agree 100%. This is how my cousin feels, she wants to try everything in her power so she can at least tell her baby, "Mommy and Daddy tried everything they could".

 

The whole situation just made me think about couples. I really believe ppl give up way to easy these days. They say, Oh we had a few fights, we dont get along, lets get a divorce. Ppl dont work on things anymore and I believe this is why the divorce rate is so high.

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I think in many circumstances the parents staying together makes them less effective as parents because the children can see, feel and hear the tension and resentment between the parents and it creates an unhealthy environment for them. Being in the same house if you are constantly witness to fighting or silent treatment/cold treatment isn't really better is it? In such cases I think separating makes the parents better parents and is in fact, less disruptive to the childrens well being.

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I think staying together for the kids is HORRIBLE! I recently had a baby and although my bf and I have a great relationship now, if at some point it falters, I will not subject my child to the negativity and ill feelings that usually accompany a failing or faltering relationship.

 

When my bf and I first started going out, I learned that he was with someone for their child. They didnt share their lives with each other, never had sex, and essentially lived together as roommates who fought ALL THE TIME. Their daughter witnessed them yelling and screaming at each other and her mother throwing things (glasses, dishes, etc) at her dad. It was a hostile environment. Yet, my bf didnt want to hurt their child. Finally, after a year of seeing me and dealing with this, my bf found a place for them to move to. Their child decided to go with her mom. Now, she has a stable home without constant screaming and fighting and she seems alot happier. She comes and stays with us and seems to enjoy herself. My bf and I have argued in front of her, but she also sees us apologize to each other and kiss and hug and make up. And I tell her that I love her daddy very much and even though we disagree on some things, or one of us will be crabby or grouchy with each other, we still love each other. I want her to know that us arguing is NOT bad. It's normal and healthy as long as it's done in a healthy way.

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I think in many circumstances the parents staying together makes them less effective as parents because the children can see, feel and hear the tension and resentment between the parents and it creates an unhealthy environment for them. Being in the same house if you are constantly witness to fighting or silent treatment/cold treatment isn't really better is it? In such cases I think separating makes the parents better parents and is in fact, less disruptive to the childrens well being.

 

Sure, but why don't the parents just try to find the source of the tension and resentment, and fix the problem? This is my point. A lot of the time, all it takes is a bit of effort on both parties part, and the tide can be turned, and even love and respect rediscovered.

 

Unfortunately all it takes is for one partner to refuse to look at their own contribution to the marital stress, one partner to decide they can't be bothered to try, one partner to decide he'd rather screw his secretary than figure out a way to love his wife again. Then the other spouse says "I can't fix this on my own" and everyone throws in the towel on their marriage, and starts the war of divorce, and who's to blame....

 

And the kids lose the opportunity of a happy harmonious unbroken home.....

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Sure, but why don't the parents just try to find the source of the tension and resentment, and fix the problem? This is my point. A lot of the time, all it takes is a bit of effort on both parties part, and the tide can be turned, and even love and respect rediscovered.

 

Unfortunately all it takes is for one partner to refuse to look at their own contribution to the marital stress, one partner to decide they can't be bothered to try, one partner to decide he'd rather screw his secretary than figure out a way to love his wife again. Then the other spouse says "I can't fix this on my own" and everyone throws in the towel on their marriage, and starts the war of divorce, and who's to blame....

 

And the kids lose the opportunity of a happy harmonious unbroken home.....

 

Oh no, I agree with what you said in your earlier post 100% (did not read it until after I posted this one though). If the issues can be resolved I think that is absolutely the way to go, and that giving it everything you have is necessary, you owe it to your relationship and family. But... if you have and are unable to resolve the issues than staying together simply for the sake of the children isn't really doing them any favors.

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Sure, but why don't the parents just try to find the source of the tension and resentment, and fix the problem? This is my point. A lot of the time, all it takes is a bit of effort on both parties part, and the tide can be turned, and even love and respect rediscovered.

 

Unfortunately all it takes is for one partner to refuse to look at their own contribution to the marital stress, one partner to decide they can't be bothered to try, one partner to decide he'd rather screw his secretary than figure out a way to love his wife again. Then the other spouse says "I can't fix this on my own" and everyone throws in the towel on their marriage, and starts the war of divorce, and who's to blame....

 

And the kids lose the opportunity of a happy harmonious unbroken home.....

 

At one point, it isn't an issue, it's just constant resentment.

 

If you can find the issue, then do. Put down your pride and open up lines of communication. But, there are definite cases of it being unsolvable.

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Doesn't it really depend on the situation and the couple?

 

Many people here are assuming that this is a situation involving bitter fights, yelling, resentment and an immense amount of unhappiness. In that case, I don't think it's in anyone's best interest to go with the status quo.

 

But what about the less extreme situations? What if the parents are still best friends? What if they don't fight? What if they can still make a peaceful home and good co-parents in the same home?

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Doesn't it really depend on the situation and the couple?

 

Many people here are assuming that this is a situation involving bitter fights, yelling, resentment and an immense amount of unhappiness. In that case, I don't think it's in anyone's best interest to go with the status quo.

 

But what about the less extreme situations? What if the parents are still best friends? What if they don't fight? What if they can still make a peaceful home and good co-parents in the same home?

 

If this is possible I don't see anything wrong with it, but would be willing to think this was the exception rather than the rule-- especially if either party began to move on and date other people, living with your ex in the name of the children could be awkward for all involved, including the new person dating the separated spouse. At a certain point if you can't work out the relationship and have a desire to move on and meet new people and start new relationships, living with your ex will present some special challenges and make that more difficult.

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Doesn't it really depend on the situation and the couple?

 

Many people here are assuming that this is a situation involving bitter fights, yelling, resentment and an immense amount of unhappiness. In that case, I don't think it's in anyone's best interest to go with the status quo.

 

But what about the less extreme situations? What if the parents are still best friends? What if they don't fight? What if they can still make a peaceful home and good co-parents in the same home?

 

Then it'd be a shame to not try to work that back into a romantic partnership.

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Doesn't it really depend on the situation and the couple?

 

Many people here are assuming that this is a situation involving bitter fights, yelling, resentment and an immense amount of unhappiness. In that case, I don't think it's in anyone's best interest to go with the status quo.

 

But what about the less extreme situations? What if the parents are still best friends? What if they don't fight? What if they can still make a peaceful home and good co-parents in the same home?

 

 

If that were the case, I would assume that it wouldn't just be the kids that were keeping them together.

 

Also, the OP queried about extreme situations like infidelity and unsolvable issues.

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In the case of the OP's friend, where they are already cheating on one another, I think it's just over, I don't see any sense in dragging it out any longer.

 

But what if it is a different situation and they want to agree not to date other people? I'm thinking more of when the kids are older, and the parents can agree to make some sacrifices and live peacefully together until the kids are old enough to go to college.

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A lot of the posts I read on the forum sound like this kind of situation. The man falls out of love with his wife due to her excessive weight gain, but still loves her as the mother of his children. Or a woman who is fed up with her husband not helping enough around the house and not giving her enough affection.

 

...In fact, it kind of seems to me that most of the divorce threads on this forum seem a bit like this. They aren't at each other's throats, they parent well together, they do love each other in some way. But they aren't satisfied and have wanted out for some time.

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In the case of the OP's friend, where they are already cheating on one another, I think it's just over, I don't see any sense in dragging it out any longer.

 

But what if they want to agree not to date other people? I'm thinking more of when the kids are older, and the parents can agree to make some sacrifices and live peacefully together until the kids are old enough to go to college.

 

I have to add, the bolded part is specifically brought up at college adjustment classes. All the parents visit the colleges to be told by advisors what to expect and such. They specifically tell you not to wait until college to break up. This devastates kids.

 

Think about it, your seemingly happy family just gets broken apart. If you are hiding it, it would be such a shock to your kids, their entire sense of what is real would be questioned.

 

It's really bad since you are already stressed about the newness of college.

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Please do not stay together for the kids!! My parents fought constantly and were horrible to eachother. My brothers and I would beg my Mom to leave him. She would tell us that she stayed for us. Just please don't do it!! You will model a horrible relationship for your kids and that's not what you want to do.

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