Mortifying online dating experience

[cl76]

If you called him an a**hole then obviously he was going to react negatively. There was no repairing the situation after that.

 

IMO he was spineless to not confront you at the meeting place but he may have honestly thought that you weren't the person he was meeting. I guess you will never know for sure.

 

On the touchy subject of build, my take is that when someone describes themselves as "medium/average" then they are pretty close to a Body Mass Index of 20-25. Not always accurate, but close enough.

[Ammy]

Ohh honey, that is awful. If it makes you feel any better, I have had a similar experience too. I waited in a bar for about 45 mins, and this guy just didn't approach me, just kept saying, "look for me, I'm wearing a black hat".. and then finally said "Oh I left when you didn't find me." Whatever! Their loss.

 

Size 12 is by no means fat... he is an idiot who obviously has no clue.

 

Chin up!

 

Ammy

[rose2summer]

Well, the average size in America is a 14, so you are by no means large, you are average (as indicated by your profile).

 

Hugs, Rose

[Batya33]

I agree this guy was a jerk and agree with Annie's analysis of your dating experiences.

 

Many of the men I met through on line dating sites (over 100) were heavier by 15-20 pounds or more than their photos (those that were not skinny in the photo, that is) - I noticed and it was absolutely not a dealbreaker, but I didn't appreciate the "bait and switch".

[bulletproof]

This is 100% true and the way you should look at the situation. Please read these words over and over.

 

I think someone posted in another of your threads that we all have stories that we tell ourselves. This is very accurate. When we have negative and untrue beliefs that we have told ourselves for so very long, we start to think that they're actually fact. But they're not.

 

For example: if your co-worker actually wasn't interested because he thinks you're overweight (which it doesn't seem that you even are) then how does that explain all the overweight people in the world that do have relationships? The false beliefs that you have about yourself are hurting you terribly. The only thing that you can do is to stop believing them. Easier said than done, and might require some help. But it can be done.

[violingirl]

One of my friends has a digital camera and has offered to take some new pictures of me. We'll do that soon.

 

The only part of my body that I really don't like is my stomach. It got flabby from my prior weight gain, and nothing seems to work to firm it up. I probably don't do enough crunches, because I don't have the time and running doesn't seem to help that area.

 

Yes, the JDate guy was a major jerk. I may meet up with another guy from JDate over the holiday weekend. Not sure yet. I still feel a bit gun shy.

 

I really don't miss my ex at all. It just sucked that I gave him every chance and put up with a sexless relationship for as long as I did. Lesson learned.

 

Things with my co-worker crush seem normal. Although he said it would be "cool" to hang out as friends, neither of us has made a move in that direction. I would like to get to know him better, but I would prefer if he suggested hanging out first.

[Ms Darcy]

I know that I should probably post more pictures. The problem is that I generally hate how I look in pictures.

 

This guy means nothing to me. It's more about what he represents. Throughout elementary school (starting in kindergarden), I was called "fat" by classmates (even though I wasn't - I was average sized). So, what happened last night reminded me of that Also, this is the third bad rejection I've experienced in the past 2 months. My ex dumped me over the phone out of nowhere, my co-worker crush rejected me a week ago, and now this guy calls me "large" a/k/a fat. I'm probably most hurt about my co-worker, because he's the one I like the most and felt most compatible with, but the other 2 incidents have upset me. All 3 incidents have adversely affected my confidence.

 

I'm glad everyone here is giving you such solid advice. One thing I would caution you about is assuming compatibility with someone you are not dating. A few years ago, I thought I might be 'falling in love' with my male roommate (we no longer live together obviously ). Anyway, my best friend pointed out that you can't really be in love if you're not in a relationship (just infatuated in my case). Having the relationship is the nuts and bolts work of determining compatibility.

 

I think that in order for you to have more success in dating you need to work on your self-esteem and, just as important, you need to work on experiences with a bit more pragmatic objectivity, emotional distance, and intellectual scrutinity. What's hindering you now is letting your emotions explain situations and mind-read into someone else's behavior. For all practical purposes, if your coworker doesn't like your size, then you two are not compatible.

[violingirl]

I am just basing compatability with my co-worker on our conversations, how he seemed to react to me and our compatible senses of humor. He seemed attracted to me, but I could be completely wrong. You are right in that I have no idea what he would be like in a relationship. He could be a total disaster for all I know. I just felt a good initial compatability - enough to want to get to know him better. I'm just not sure how to go about that now or whether he is really interested in an actual friendship with me.

 

For all I know, he could just want to keep work and romance separate. The idea that he rejected me because he finds me unattractive is my idea alone. He didn't say anything like that.

 

I guess that when I like someone a lot, it's hard to be objective and keep an emotional distance.

[Ms Darcy]

"I am just basing compatability with my co-worker on our conversations, how he seemed to react to me and our compatible senses of humor. He seemed attracted to me, but I could be completely wrong. You are right in that I have no idea what he would be like in a relationship. He could be a total disaster for all I know. I just felt a good initial compatability - enough to want to get to know him better. I'm just not sure how to go about that now or whether he is really interested in an actual friendship with me.

 

For all I know, he could just want to keep work and romance separate. The idea that he rejected me because he finds me unattractive is my idea alone. He didn't say anything like that.

 

I guess that when I like someone a lot, it's hard to be objective and keep an emotional distance."

 

 

 

What are your top 5 goals in life right now? I'm going to gently guess that friendship with him isn't one of them. If not, don't focus on friendship with him, focus on those other things that you want in your life.

[diabolik]

yeah, and remember when Megan McCain (Sen. McCain's daughter) was critisized for being a size 8 and fat? i was mortified. the photos of her, she looks like a completely healthy, nice looking woman. have no idea where the 'fat' came from!!!

link removed

I'm going to give you an opinion from the other side. I do think this guy was a jerk and didn't handle things well but you have to see it from his side. You only showed a picture from your head to your shoulder, you have to show a full body shot, and it has to be what you look like right now. To you a dress size might not be a big deal, but it is 10-15 lbs extra and not everyone carries that kind of extra weight well. I have met several guys from online who were heavier, or had less hair, or were older than what their pictures showed, and it is a disappointment and a turn-off.

+1

The guy handled it very poorly, but you really set yourself up for disappointment (whether he stayed to meet you or not).

 

The only part of my body that I really don't like is my stomach. It got flabby from my prior weight gain, and nothing seems to work to firm it up. I probably don't do enough crunches, because I don't have the time and running doesn't seem to help that area.

Strengthening your ab muscles (and there are better exercises than crunches) won't do anything about the fat. Sounds like your body is predisposed to storing fat there. You cannot spot reduce fat. Only way to get rid of that is to lose overall bodyfat. If you can lose ~1lb fat per week, you should be pretty happy with your body in no time.

[annie24]

i'm not saying she's a stick. i don't know what her BMI is, but i am assuming she is somewhere in a healthy range. and so what if she isn't a stick? she's not a hollywood actress or model!

[JenniferSNJ]

This might be a bit ot, but I think it's so messed up when the media attacks people like her. It's like... she's not running for office, modeling, or being an actress, etc. Why are you picking on her?!

 

And to the OP- how are you feeling about this situation today?

[savignon]

What a * * * * this guy was!!! You should thank yourself for whatever you did RIGHT that day, because you brought out his true colors in minutes!! Imagine if he'd faked being more charming and THEN you learned how he belittles and berrates people.

We should be wishing HIM good luck at this point, not you.

[diabolik]

i'm not saying she's a stick. i don't know what her BMI is, but i am assuming she is somewhere in a healthy range. and so what if she isn't a stick? she's not a hollywood actress or model!

She's far from a stick. That's like taking an emaciated guy and saying he's not exactly a bodybuilder.

 

This might be a bit ot, but I think it's so messed up when the media attacks people like her. It's like... she's not running for office, modeling, or being an actress, etc. Why are you picking on her?!

I'm just responding to Annie's reference to her.

 

I know the ladies here will say she looks good. But I would bet that the guys here don't feel the same way (even taking into account the fact that guys here may be less than candid given the nature of this forum).

[JenniferSNJ]

She's far from a stick. That's like taking an emaciated guy and saying he's not exactly a bodybuilder.

 

 

I'm just responding to Annie's reference to her.

 

I know the ladies here will say she looks good. But I would bet that the guys here don't feel the same way (even taking into account the fact that guys here may be less than candid given the nature of this forum).

 

I'm not saying I think she looks good or bad. My point is- why does the media feel the need to make a comment at all?

 

(because they are the media)- okay, I answered my own question, but you know what I mean.

[Ms Darcy]

She's far from a stick. That's like taking an emaciated guy and saying he's not exactly a bodybuilder.

 

 

I'm just responding to Annie's reference to her.

 

I know the ladies here will say she looks good. But I would bet that the guys here don't feel the same way (even taking into account the fact that guys here may be less than candid given the nature of this forum).

 

 

I'm rarely on your side Diabolik, but I will actually side with you on this one. I completely understand what you are saying Annie - she doesn't look terrible. BUT, I can see how someone can say that she looks overweight. I used to weigh 270lbs, so I am not judging her appearance. I am not entirely happy that the media feels the need to comment on her weight. I'm just saying that if I had to categorize her weight, I would suggest that she does indeed look overweight to me and I can see if someone else thinks that.

 

What it comes down to is that we all have different eyes and we define overweight differently.

[JenniferSNJ]

^^ it's also possible that is a really unflattering dress and angle. It's taken from the bottom up, which is said to put 5-20 pounds on someone (which is why people look like they have double chins if you take the picture from down-to-up even if they really don't in everyday life.)

[winter whiteout]

I am sorry violingirl that this happened to you the guy is a total jerk. It's funny I was reading your thread about the weight thing because my ex husband left me for a 300 pound woman and the two girls at work are 50 pounds heavier than I am (I am 180) and they both are engaged to guys that have a six pack. I don't understand it. But I know how you feel and it is one experience after another that leaves you feeling so down. We have to some how pick ourselves up and move on but myself I am finding it harder to do after being rejected time after time. But I hope you can forget about this last jerk and try again. PM me anytime I will always be there to listen.

[servedcold]

Very sorry about this bad treatment. It makes me angry for you. Many of us who have dated online have shown up to dates where the other person wasn't as expected, and most of us, in some way, have not been what some dates thought they were getting either.

 

Have never understood why people can't graciously complete a simple date in such circumstances. It's just not that big a deal to meet a new person, whether or not they are exactly as expected. Someone who would bail on a date obviously has very little character, and you are better off not knowing them at all.

[diabolik]

I'm rarely on your side Diabolik, but I will actually side with you on this one. I completely understand what you are saying Annie - she doesn't look terrible. BUT, I can see how someone can say that she looks overweight. I used to weigh 270lbs, so I am not judging her appearance. I am not entirely happy that the media feels the need to comment on her weight. I'm just saying that if I had to categorize her weight, I would suggest that she does indeed look overweight to me and I can see if someone else thinks that.

 

What it comes down to is that we all have different eyes and we define overweight differently.

Well you coulda knocked me down with a feather, Miss D.

 

Agreed that her figure has no bearing on McCain's campaign and the media embarrassed themselves by focusing on it. But what's new?

[Ms Darcy]

Very sorry about this bad treatment. It makes me angry for you. Many of us who have dated online have shown up to dates where the other person wasn't as expected, and most of us, in some way, have not been what some dates thought they were getting either.

 

Have never understood why people can't graciously complete a simple date in such circumstances. It's just not that big a deal to meet a new person, whether or not they are exactly as expected. Someone who would bail on a date obviously has very little character, and you are better off not knowing them at all.

 

This is very true. I met my bf online. He doesn't look like his picture. (He's gained a little in the tummy Interestingly, that never phased me. It's his personality that drew me in ... geeky, sweet, hard-working, thoughtful, slow to warm up and then once he does wears his heart on his sleeve. Just an awesome guy. I think a couple of women rejected him early because he wasn't as 'expected' (although not many cause he's hot), and they're just idiots. This guy is an idiot too.

 

Now, interestingly, in real life my bf NEVER looks like his pictures. It's the most fascinating thing. I take pic after pic and I'll look from him to the digital photo and marvel at how different he looks. People can't expect photos to be 100% accurate ... so long as you send as many full body shots as possible, then they should be understanding that real life is a little different.

[Ms Darcy]

Well you coulda knocked me down with a feather, Miss D.

 

Agreed that her figure has no bearing on McCain's campaign and the media embarrassed themselves by focusing on it. But what's new?

 

Yay! I agree.

[Knotty]

Meghan Megan is attractive to me now, BUT I don't have much confidence that she will maintain that weight. If she is already her current size at age 24, then she will probably continue to gain weight throughout her life and struggle to lose it. This fact makes her unattractive to me since I am ultimately looking for someone to marry.

[violingirl]

OMG. The jerk from JDate just doesn't get a clue. Even though I stopped responding to him, he is still checking out my profile and just IMed me asking what I am up to this weekend and "sorry for my mistake earlier this week." What a wanker. Perhaps it's time to block him completely.

[rose2summer]

OMG. The jerk from JDate just doesn't get a clue. Even though I stopped responding to him, he is still checking out my profile and just IMed me asking what I am up to this weekend and "sorry for my mistake earlier this week." What a wanker. Perhaps it's time to block him completely.

 

I would not respond to him since he is likely baiting for a fishie right now and is likely just lonely.

 

He has shown you his true nasty colors and isn't worth your efforts.

 

In a couple days, he will likely fish for another women who he can criticize.

 

I suggest blocking him and meeting a quality guy.

 

Hugs, Rose