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Mortifying online dating experience


violingirl
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A few days ago, I IMed with a guy from my neighborhood on JDate. After 10 minutes, he asked me out. I said "yes," figuring why not? We exchanged cell phone numbers. I felt that I should try meeting someone despite my breakup of less than 2 months ago and the fact that my co-worker turned me down for a date a week ago. Big mistake.

 

We planned to meet last night at a place in our neighborhood for coffee. I got there 5 minutes early. Just when I was sitting down at a table, I saw a guy pass me who looked kind of like my date, but I wasn't sure. He went into the bathroom, I starting reading something to pass the time. After a few minutes, the guy left the bathroom and just left the place. I proceeded to wait at the table for 20 minutes with no word from my date - no call, nothing. I wasn't sure if he hadn't shown up at all or if that guy who passed me had taken one look at me and decided to stand me up. So, I didn't call him.

 

After waiting for 20 minutes, I went home, only to discover that my date had e-mailed me on JDate. He claimed that he had been there and hadn't seen me, and also claimed that he didn't have my cell phone number, even though I had given it to him! I told him that I had waited 25 minutes for him at a table. He then told me that he had gone into the bathroom, and asked where I had been sitting. I told him, and described the top I had been wearing. Then he asked me if I was wearing glasses and had been reading something. I said "yes." Then he said that the woman he had seen had been large rather than medium build (as I had put in my profile). I proceeded to tell him that I don't consider myself "large" and called him an a**hole. Then he started to turn it all on me, saying that I should have been looking up and not reading and that I should have called him. He also said that if I didn't fit that description ("large"), then I shouldn't be taking offense. I stopped responding to him then and there.

 

This has really gotten to me, as I've struggled with my weight for a long time. I have a head/shoulders picture posted in my profile, and I look much the same as the picture (the only difference is that my hair is a bit darker now, and I am one size larger than in the picture - though I've lost a lot of weight in the past 1 1/2 years and am fit).

 

In my profile, I picked "average/medium build" to describe my body type, even though I could have picked "athletic/fit", too, but didn't because although I am very fit I also have curves and always will. I am a size 12 and am still trying to lose more weight slowly, the right way. I didn't think that a guy would consider me "large" (he may as well have called me fat). This has never happened to me before, even when I weighed more. I've worked hard to lose weight and get fit (though I'll never be thin) and must say that this really hurt. I just feel really insulted. Now I'm even starting to think that my co-worker turned me down last week because he thinks that I'm fat, instead of because we are co-workers.

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Don't let this guy get to you like this. He knew it was you and was to cowardly to sit down and talk and let you know you weren't his type.

Maybe next time a little more chatting and a few more pictures might be in order. It will help reduce any surprises on both sides.

 

Lost

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Wow, he seems like a loser to begin with.

 

Size 12 isn't "large". I'm a size 10 and weigh about 126 lbs. Sometimes I need a size 12. So no you didn't lie in your profile. Don't let one guys turn you off online dating... I know it's hard and an awful experience, but there's all kinds of guys out there (which can be good... and very bad lol).

 

Maybe you can post a few body shots in your profile?

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I would suggest exchanging several e-mails/messages first (and maybe a few phonecalls and texts) so that you get a good idea of who you're possibly meeting up with. I've grown pretty wary of men who want to meet up right away...

 

I'm sorry this happened Even though it was a horrible experience (and unfortunately your very first one) I hope this doesn't ruin the online dating scene for you. There are some men out there who are legit with honest and sincere intentions... it's just a matter of weeding out the bad and finding him.

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Meeting people offline is always perilous.

 

I can say that I have been on the other end, though. I have met a few people offline who were at least 20 lbs over the weight they described, and the pictures they showed me prior to meeting were taken at least a few years before.

 

To avoid this, try putting pictures that are as representative of how you look now as possible. Terms such as "average" or "fit" can be misleading, as they are relative and everyone can have a different take on what they mean.

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I'm from L.A., and here, size 12 is considered almost obese! A size 8 is considered a "big" girl. Most, but not all, young women here are between a size 3 and 5. I am a size 14/16 and love my size. I am pretty with a large chest, so that helps, but I think society is really giving us unrealistic expectations of the size women "should" be. If you are toned and fit, why lose more weight? You are fine the way you are. When you find a man who prefers a woman of your size, you will have found the man for you. They are out there

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Forget him

 

 

 

 

I recommend you do that...it will help weed out the people like this guy and save you time and energy in the long run

 

yes, i agree too. sorry about this guy. i agree with having recent photos on your online profile, along with face and full body shots. honestly, some people will consider a size 12 large, some people won't. it's personal preference.

 

anyways - yeah, sorry about this guy!

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I'm from L.A., and here, size 12 is considered almost obese! A size 8 is considered a "big" girl. Most, but not all, young women here are between a size 3 and 5. I am a size 14/16 and love my size. I am pretty with a large chest, so that helps, but I think society is really giving us unrealistic expectations of the size women "should" be. If you are toned and fit, why lose more weight? You are fine the way you are. When you find a man who prefers a woman of your size, you will have found the man for you. They are out there

 

yeah, and remember when Megan McCain (Sen. McCain's daughter) was critisized for being a size 8 and fat? i was mortified. the photos of her, she looks like a completely healthy, nice looking woman. have no idea where the 'fat' came from!!!

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that guy sucks... seriously! I know it hurts but don't let this get to you. Like that other girl said, plenty of guys don't like the girls that don't have any meat on their bones or are too short or too tall or too skinny. Everyone has their physical preference. Don't get paranoid. NEXT!!! don't give up on dating because of him.

 

I understand why it hurts though.. I, too have had my weight struggles and they have impacted my self esteem. Even though I am in good shape now, I actually weighed 15 more lbs when my boyfriend met me... and then another guy I gained 30 lbs w/him and he also thought I was beautiful. This is actually a good time to meet someone because you know they'll accept you for you and not the skinniest most perfect you!

 

The point is I"m sure you look great and don't let one online dweeb take away your confidence. Also don't assume everyone else thinks the same way he does.

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I'm from L.A., and here, size 12 is considered almost obese! A size 8 is considered a "big" girl. Most, but not all, young women here are between a size 3 and 5. I am a size 14/16 and love my size. I am pretty with a large chest, so that helps, but I think society is really giving us unrealistic expectations of the size women "should" be. If you are toned and fit, why lose more weight? You are fine the way you are. When you find a man who prefers a woman of your size, you will have found the man for you. They are out there

 

That's why I am convinced if you stay away from big cities and go to cities on the outskirts, you meet better quality men who aren't superficial and looking for a size 2. I lived in LA and in NY (where the OP is from) and had horrible dating experiences. One guy laughed at my car, ok, so when does the woman need a fancy car to go on a date. The loser then called me back and begged for a 2nd date and he learned about the ignore function on my phone. Don't waste your time with losers who may just be out there to play the field and put people down to feel better about themselves. So sorry that happened, trust me, I know how it feels, and it's painful, but can you date people from NJ or CT or something. I met quite a lot of very nice gentlemen in NJ!

 

Hugs, Rose

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I did online dating and I was REALLY nervous about this. I posted lots of body shots of myself and even pictures that I felt were less than attractive than I really am because I didn't want to "disappoint" people. I'd even recommend that.

 

Sorry this guy was such a jerk. Don't let this defeat you. You need to delete the memory and stay focused on the positives. You're healthy and fit and still getting fitter- and this guy is a jerk and will continue to be... a jerk. Pity the fool that meets him next.

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I'm going to give you an opinion from the other side. I do think this guy was a jerk and didn't handle things well but you have to see it from his side. You only showed a picture from your head to your shoulder, you have to show a full body shot, and it has to be what you look like right now. To you a dress size might not be a big deal, but it is 10-15 lbs extra and not everyone carries that kind of extra weight well. I have met several guys from online who were heavier, or had less hair, or were older than what their pictures showed, and it is a disappointment and a turn-off.

 

As a person who has lost a lot of weight in the last few years, and did online dating as I was still losing weight, you have to be completely honest with guys. I always had up a two head shots and two body shots of what I looked like at that moment, and I've never had a guy who was disappointed in what I looked like when we met. I would say choke this up as a learning experience and get recent and more accurate pictures of yourself up asap.

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I know how it feels, and it's painful, but can you date people from NJ or CT or something. I met quite a lot of very nice gentlemen in NJ!

 

haha. I hope you're talking about south nj. Because there are a lot of superficial a******* in NJ- especially up north.

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Not always. I've done online dating before and when I put up a profile, I always put up full-body pics as well as close-up shots. I also emphasize that I am only 4'5" tall. Most times, guys are very surprised to see how small I am in real life and it doesn't turn out well

 

Pictures don't tell everything.

 

well, if they can't read your profile, then they are idiots. and then you've weeded them out successfully.

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you mentioned you live in LA. You know how shallow people are there, girlfriend!!!

I live there as well, it doesn't matter how skinny/fat you are. Guys will judge you no matter what. "Oh she has no brain" "She looks * * * * ty and whorish" "She doesn't make enough money"

I've done online dating so many times.

You only come accross decent guys n 1/25 ratio.

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I know that I should probably post more pictures. The problem is that I generally hate how I look in pictures.

 

This guy means nothing to me. It's more about what he represents. Throughout elementary school (starting in kindergarden), I was called "fat" by classmates (even though I wasn't - I was average sized). So, what happened last night reminded me of that Also, this is the third bad rejection I've experienced in the past 2 months. My ex dumped me over the phone out of nowhere, my co-worker crush rejected me a week ago, and now this guy calls me "large" a/k/a fat. I'm probably most hurt about my co-worker, because he's the one I like the most and felt most compatible with, but the other 2 incidents have upset me. All 3 incidents have adversely affected my confidence.

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I know that I should probably post more pictures. The problem is that I generally hate how I look in pictures.

 

This guy means nothing to me. It's more about what he represents. Throughout elementary school (starting in kindergarden), I was called "fat" by classmates (even though I wasn't - I was average sized). So, what happened last night reminded me of that Also, this is the third bad rejection I've experienced in the past 2 months. My ex dumped me over the phone out of nowhere, my co-worker crush rejected me a week ago, and now this guy calls me "large" a/k/a fat. I'm probably most hurt about my co-worker, because he's the one I like the most and felt most compatible with, but the other 2 incidents have upset me. All 3 incidents have adversely affected my confidence.

 

Yeah, I completely understand. I actually grew up overweight and people treated me TERRIBLY. Then I developed an eating disorder in highschool, lost the weight (obviously), and I was worshiped by guys. I have put on weight since then and I'm trying to get fit the right way for the first time ever. It is SO difficult and I'm about a 10/12 myself.

 

I'm also VERY insecure about it and I completely understand what you mean. It is what he represents.

 

But you know what? It sucks, but you just have to brush it off. You have to really work on your own self esteem and how you view yourself so when things like this happen it doesn't phase you. I know that is so much easier said than done, but I've worked on it a long time and it does help.

 

And guess what? You will meet men that think you have a smoking body too. It's not just him. I met a guy offline that was clearly disappointed in the way I look (and I actually think I'm pretty attractive). Then I've gone out to bars and had guys drooling all over me. A recent guy I met on the internet actually referred to me as "tiny," which I am not... but clearly he doesn't find me large. It's alllll perception. This guy said that, another guy will be right behind him to tell you something totally different. And that's what you have to stay focused on. You are attracting men to you that want you for you. Anyone that feels any differently should not be able to enter your world. Don't give them permission too.

 

Post the pictures anyway. Even if you hate them. I did and you know what? It was a lot more relaxing meeting people knowing I accurately represented myself so they have nothing to say if they were unhappy.

 

(((hugs)))

 

I believe this is a good start for you. You have those three negative experiences behind you and now it's all up from here. Wash it away like it never happened. Keep eating healthy, working out, and doing your thing. The right man will set up a shrine to your awesome body- plus or minus 10/15 pounds.

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Agree with everyone else, have several shots of yourself up and make sure they're honestly recent, good examples of how you look. If you're not keen on photos of yourself, ask a good friend to help you pick out the ones they think look good hell, maybe a male friend if you have one you think you could ask.

 

I haven't joined any dating sites yet but I've met men online who have shown me one picture of themselves, then later on produced 'a more recent picture' and boy, do they look different. It's disappointing when someone doesn't look how you thought they would, and if your pictures are only headshots then men are going to fill the rest in using their imagination. Give them the full picture right away and they can't claim you aren't who you said you were!

 

Just take this guy as a learning experience that's all he's obviously good for.

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I know that I should probably post more pictures. The problem is that I generally hate how I look in pictures.

 

This guy means nothing to me. It's more about what he represents. Throughout elementary school (starting in kindergarden), I was called "fat" by classmates (even though I wasn't - I was average sized). So, what happened last night reminded me of that Also, this is the third bad rejection I've experienced in the past 2 months. My ex dumped me over the phone out of nowhere, my co-worker crush rejected me a week ago, and now this guy calls me "large" a/k/a fat. I'm probably most hurt about my co-worker, because he's the one I like the most and felt most compatible with, but the other 2 incidents have upset me. All 3 incidents have adversely affected my confidence.

 

I am sorry that this happened to you. I agree with everyone else: this guy was a total jerk.

 

That said: he represents what you *choose* to make him represent.

 

As hard as it may be, instead of imbuing him with a personal meaning, based on your past experiences, you CAN *choose* to to have him represent HIMSELF -- i.e. the countless callous people who know absolutely nothing about tact; I think you're really being very self-destructive by personalizing him and placing specific meaning on what he did by inserting him into this list of "people who rejected/hurt me since elementary school"

 

And plus, coming from the outside -- I think you're glossing over too much detail in grouping these three "rejections" from three separate men. The details ARE important!

 

In my humble opinion, your ex did NOT dump you out of the blue -- he had a track record of being unreliable.

 

In most likelihood, your co-worker probably turned down your suggestion to go out because he wants to keep work and personal life separate -- this is NOT a rejection of you, per se, but has more to do with his own personal boundaries.

 

And this third guy -- well, he's simply a jerk! 'Nuff said.

 

If you consider the details and the context, these three can hardly be grouped together. They are three separate unrelated incidents which are only tied together by WHEN it happened, not why.

 

In any event, I am sorry if I come accross as too preachy.

I just hope that you are able to sweep away these irrelevant details/people and focus on your many accomplishments. Finally, maybe you need to take a break from dating for a while?

 

Take care of yourself.

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^^^ ellie said what i was basically thinking. just didn't know how to say it as well as her. yes, first off, the 3 guys were all totally different guys with totally different backgrounds. i agree that the coworker might have just not wanted to mix business with his personal life. and the ex was someone you had dated for a while. and this guy is a jerk! i agree. if i saw someone in a coffee shop, and i wasn't sure if it was them or not, i would go up to them and say, 'hey - are you Alan?' i've done that in the past, for sure.

 

remember that even photographers for national geographic take 1000 rolls of film for every photo in the magazine. and professional models get hundreds of photos taken of them for every one photo that shows up in print. so you should do the same thing. get tons of photos of yourself, like a few hundred, and then pick the 4-5 that best represent you and look nice.

 

and yes, you should feel confident in your self and your accomplishments!!! you have a law degree, right? that's a big step right there!

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