Guys with hang ups on overweight girls.

[alcide]

surprisingly in my country most fat girls are married bla and nice good looking are not why?

[Casey13]

It all depends on what your preference is. Just as many girls won't date over weight guys many guys won't date over weight girls. You can argue with me on this but most people who get comfortable in a relationship usually end up gaining another few stone down the road because of two reasons 1. age and 2. they just dont feel they have to diet/exercise as much since they already have a partner and end up being busy with other things. Most men and women know this so they don't like to start off the RS with someone overweight to begin with because usually and I quote "usually" they end up getting even heavier

[tiredofvampires]

The only thing I disagree with is the use of the word "failed" to describe people whos relationships have broken down and are now looking to date again.

 

Actually, you're right. I should have phrased that better, because I don't think relationships that don't work out are anything other than learning experiences. (As long as you learn from them.) And, trying to get back on the horse is a great virtue.

 

Great point. Guess I was just in a disenchanted mood a bit, lol.

 

I was rather thinking of "As You Like It" (Shakespeare) for this thread, heh.

[tiredofvampires]

More actions than attitudes, just tired of all the rationalizing and talking about tangents or worst case scenarios in a relatively simple, straightforward issue.

 

1. I disagree that gaining weight and marital discord are straightforward issues. (If this was a straightforward issue, it wouldn't be over 500 posts long, here. That's the evidence.)

 

2. I think a "worst case scenario" is your healthy, fit wife turning into a (insert zoo animal). I very clearly stated at the outset of this that I draw a distinction between gaining a few pounds (overweight) and morbid obesity, and no male poster has out-and-out said that one would be acceptable and the other, not. So:

 

3. "honest and reasonable physical expectations in a partner." -- honest, yes. Reasonable, no. It's not reasonable to expect your wife's body not to change over the course of a lifetime. I have this from doctors. And I don't think it's reasonable to expect ANYONE'S body not to change over the course of a lifetime.

 

I love men, and as much as they have caused me heartache, I do not feel resentful towards them as a group. It's only when I see certain men exemplifying certain attitudes that I feel annoyed. Men who imply that women getting overweight in a marriage is a completely one-sided affair, or merely a matter of making excuses, and is a simple thing to avoid, is both ignorant and insensitive. For some women, it's easy to stay on top of their shape and weight, for others it's NOT, for a wide variety of variables. Each woman and each marriage is different, so generalizing doesn't do a whit of good. To blame men's cheating on women's laziness is downright irresponsible and as "rationalizing" as anything you're accusing women of. To say that women gain weight in an either calculated way or as some sort of achievement to be proud of (having a "badge") is pure incendiary and patently untrue. To say so reveals a certain contempt for women that cannot be disputed. And while I laugh at fat jokes given a good comedian, I don't think tossing about cruel remarks equating people who are fat with animals is humorous, I think it's laced with, well, cruelty. And it brings back reminders of middle school, and you are 45, so I wouldn't exactly add up all these bits and pieces in your posts and say you have a "good, fair, reasonable" attitude. I'd say this starts to look like a "bad attitude" on several counts.

 

I would have answered to Jenny's retort to me, but velvette expressed my views so well, so on the dot, I don't think I need to re-cap what she said. Those are my thoughts, word for word.

 

Finally, I am going to re-iterate a few things that I "had the courage" to say early in my posting on this thread:

 

1. Women (or men) who start to get very overweight to obese in a marriage do need to do something to change, if not for the partner, for themselves.

 

2. Counseling and a weight loss program are in order, and if a partner is unwilling to consider how this is affecting a marriage, then that is a problem, just as a man drinking too much or some other thing not being faced is a problem for the survival of the marriage.

 

However, I think that by the time someone in the marriage is getting so grossly overweight, and there is such a power struggle that it can't even be discussed, THE MARRIAGE IS BROKEN in many ways, since the communication is obviously not working, and there is passive aggressiveness or avoidance or other power issues going on that are part of a DYNAMIC and as such, cannot be oversimplified by just blaming one partner. When there is a problem in a marriage, usually there are elements that both parties are contributing to the situation. If it's just the question of a woman not caring for her body, it's likely she was always that way, and in that case, it would have been a problem predating the marriage. People don't just go from caring about their bodies and self-image to not giving a flying * * * * .

 

I agree that women are very harsh on themselves when it comes to weight, at least in our society. But that doesn’t seem to solve anything, does it – 70% of people are overweight or obese.

 

But you aren't marrying the population. You're marrying one women. I think your fears are exaggerated and based on "worst case scenarios". If you marry a fit woman and have a good marriage, I don't think you're going to end up with that scenario, but you might have to deal with her changing body as hormones change, just as she will have to adapt to changes you might go through.

 

For the record, I like a fit looking man just like anyone else does. But as velvette said, a man that attracts me doesn't have to be handsome, and he doesn't even have to be at an ideal weight. The most important thing to me is that I feel he's into a healthy lifestyle, and usually a man who is working out won't have flab or a belly (the usual place men put on weight), but NOT ALWAYS. I know of men that have exercise programs but still have that little "spare tire" they aren't happy about, and that's okay with me, if he's not putting crap into his body on a daily basis, as his regular diet. I also would prefer a man who has this bit of portliness (within healthy guidlines) over a man who smokes, because smoking is a killer, and I don't want him to die on me, or impact my health (plus it ruins kissing). I was at a club concert some time ago, and a very nice-looking man started to look my way. What made me flirt back was the very friendly but not sleazy twinkle in his eye, his nice smile, his facial features that seemed youthful -- but he was a bit girthy in the midsection. That was not ideal, but it sure didn't stand in my way in terms of wanting to talk to him, and when he approached me, I was feeling kind of giddy. As he talked, I could smell tobacco on his breath, which made me think "Uh oh...please, let that be coming from somewhere else". Because I liked the fact he was raising a child on his own, and seemed to have good values, and I wanted someone like that. What deep-sixed the deal was several phone calls later, finding myself in a debate with him about the literal interpretations of Biblical scripture and him talking so vehemently about The End Times that I had to hold the phone away from my ear about 8 inches, because he was so voluble. I wish he hadn't blown it like that, because I would have been into kissing his belly, as it was.

 

That's the whole, courageous truth, and nothing but the truth.

[ProtestTheHero]

It is interesting to read posts from women that basically implies that women are so fragile and weak-minded that any lack of support from a SO can trigger a complete physical meltdown that overrides her own desires to be fit and look good.

 

Not even *I* have accused them of being that weak, but perhaps we are on to something.

 

I don't think that women gaining weight in a relationship is always symptomatic of a broken marriage as much as I think it's symptomatic of a change in attitude. It CAN be symptomatic of a broken marriage, but if I had to guess I'd err on her not prioritizing her appearance as much now as she used to.

 

Women certainly have a right to complain if all effort stops on the man's part once the marriage occurs. To suggest that the man's failure consequently impacts her decision to gain weight suggests a level of weakness in women that is quite disturbing.

[tiredofvampires]

I don't think people who are depressed are weak. They are DEPRESSED.

 

And depression can do a real number on a lot of things: energy, motivation, desire to embrace good habits and shun bad ones, self-image. People even self-sabotage when depressed. Depresssion, feeling stuck, being dissatisfied with life, being physically worn down, being poorly-rested can all lead to a breakdown of morale and yes, prioritizing looking your best.

 

I am not trying in my posts to say people have no responsibility to take their health and their lives into their own hands. I am not trying to make victims of people either.

 

What I'm doing is presenting the less-obvious, more hidden and eminently relevant complexities that go on in these kinds of situations. I really think talking in a vacuum about how one would feel if they were in a woman's shoes, when they are a man and aren't saddled by all the things women with children have to prioritize, is a bit taking liberties. Even I feel a bit like I'm taking some liberties, since I have not had kids and gone through these changes, but as someone who has much more contact with the inside lives of women who are in the stressful position of trying to prioritize a million things besides working out each day, and to boot, having a husband that is less than loving and supportive, I think I have a little more of a well-rounded view of this. Short of being a mother myself.

 

But yeah, I don't think depression and its subsequent lack of motivation = weakness.

 

I don't ever see myself letting myself go like that, but I am not going to sit here and say it's because other women are weak and I'm not. They have their problems, I have mine, when stress hits.

[servedcold]

Servedcold, I really think you have been unnecessarily cruel in your post.

 

Fair enough, was drunk when I posted it. But have to ask, cruel to whom? Have never applied those particular epithets to any woman in person.

[Knotty]

Some wives will gain weight to hurt their husbands, to get even with them for something. It's biting their nose to spite their face, but hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Gaining weight is analogous to being a suicide bomber; she hurts herself and the man at the same time, since she knows men like their wives to look nice. I know it's messed up, but some women do this.

[velvette]

saying a wife gains weight on purpose "to spite her husband" is like saying a husband didn't get the promotion "to spite his wife". maybe it happens, but I doubt it's the trend.

[greywolf]

I see your point. However, for a man to blame his cheating on his wife for 'letting herself go' also would suggest weakness, wouldn't it?

[RomanticAthart]

You know what, CØtuner is so right!

" Are you seriously asking this question? Guys have very high expectations and make that vocally clear. One thing I've learned, the prettier guys think you are, the more perfect they expect you to be physically. And they are NOT shy about sharing those expectations, believe you me."

 

Yeah, I am just getting so sick & tired of trying to live up to even not very good looking guys high expectations!

Why do we All have to look like size -2 runway models anyway? Why do guys think that being super thin is so attractive? To me that is rather unhealthy in its own right.

The super skinny arms and legs that some models sport.

 

Well, I can handle a few extra pounds on a guy, if he's reasonably attractive, compatible with me romantically and we get along well. I have dating guys with a small beer gut and did not go around running him into the ground and comparing him to every extra fit guy on the planet.

 

I think guys need to see how unfair and unrealistic this is on women. We cannot afford to spend hundreds of dollars on surgery, fake this, fake that, just to attract some guys' attention in this economy!

What ever happened to the guy who liked the natural woman? I guess that went out with mini-skirts? Well, mini-skirt are back in style.

It is all about the media, really and advertisers pushing their products and trying to intimidate and coherse customers to buy their stuff. Without all these glossy ads and their half-naked waif-like models, they would probably be the next company asking for a bailout! HA HA HA

 

The sad thing is so many guys AND girls have bought into this "fake image" on just how you MUST look, in order to be attractive.

Now it seems, if you don't have at least a few tattoos and a nose stud in your nose, you won't be found attractive, along with fake acrylic nails, $50 pedicures, the list goes on and on.

I bet if guys had to spend the money we do to come off as "socially acceptable & attractive" they would be pretty ticked off too.

I also find that it seems, lots of time, the guys who are NOT as "fit" and "attractive" as some other guys, sure have better personalities and are darn easier to talk to and get along with.

 

Sure, looks count, but there is other stuff that count too. Looks only get you so far. If you are a thin, pretty, shallow and petulant girl, guys are only going to put up with you for so long.

[ProtestTheHero]

I see your point. However, for a man to blame his cheating on his wife for 'letting herself go' also would suggest weakness, wouldn't it?

 

Yes it would.

[tiredofvampires]

Some wives will gain weight to hurt their husbands, to get even with them for something. It's biting their nose to spite their face, but hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Gaining weight is analogous to being a suicide bomber; she hurts herself and the man at the same time, since she knows men like their wives to look nice. I know it's messed up, but some women do this.

 

Case in point, those are, as I see it, the broken marriages.

 

I would also say that if a guy's with a woman who is this kind of a headjob, there is much more against them than her weight gain.

 

Well, I can handle a few extra pounds on a guy, if he's reasonably attractive, compatible with me romantically and we get along well. I have dating guys with a small beer gut and did not go around running him into the ground and comparing him to every extra fit guy on the planet.

 

Exactly what I was saying. I have shared a common experience with a few women my age: the phenomenon of the "20th year high school reunion." And what was remarkable that we all observed was that the women had clearly aged, but still looked on whole, pretty good. Yes, they were dying their hair, and had a few extra pounds (nearly all of them), but they were still decent to look at and well-maintained. Meanwhile, the men almost categorically (with a few exceptions) looked like Father Time himself had run over them with a semi.

 

What's more, I'd be willing to bet if a poll was run on how each individual at the party felt about themselves when they look in the mirror, most of the women would admit to cursing themselves, while the men would be saying, "Hey, still not bad for 40_. At least I've still got ______, right, man? What the hell. I can't be bothered with this." The irony of it is unbearable.

 

I'm not here to manbash. But it's just really, really REALLY ironic to the point of being almost funny.

[diabolik]

What ever happened to the guy who liked the natural woman?

By natural woman, do you mean the average, overweight woman in America today or what women looked like before our collective belts started expanding several decades ago?

 

Sure, looks count, but there is other stuff that count too. Looks only get you so far. If you are a thin, pretty, shallow and petulant girl, guys are only going to put up with you for so long.

Sure, that’s true. And if you are a fat, lazy, excuse-making, low self-esteem girl, any guy with options won’t put up with you at all. Now is this last sentence anymore offensive than your statement regarding ‘thin, pretty, shallow and petulant girl’?

 

Furthermore, your post implicitly suggests that fit, confident, well-rounded girls don’t exist.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Why is this? You get on really well, but being overweight stands in your way,say maybe 2,3 stone. Are most men attracted to girls that are thin? Have a guy friend who mentions weight quite often.](*,)

 

Some guys are just this way. I would not say most.

They don't go for any girl who may be overweight. Not even by a stone. I never got their mentality but to each their own.

 

My experience and lesson I learned:

An ex of mine (now almost like a best friend) always told me how hot the girls where which he dated. His ex was a model and another girl he dated was stick thin.

Now I'm 5'3 and 125 lbs or so. Not exactly THIN but not overweight either. I have a bit of a tummy. So I always felt so akward with him, specially sexually. Like I wasn't good enough, no matter how long we where together.

I think the only reason we where together was b/c he thought I had a cute face (but still... I had an "average" body in his opinion).

 

Lesson: if a guy will rule you out bc you're overweight, I just think he isn't the right guy. Sounds cliche but 2 things will likely happen:

-he'll make you feel self conscious about not being thin enough

-he may not see you as good enough b/c you're not thin.

 

This ex of mine also told me that any overweight girls are basically "invisible" to him.

Goes without saying, he gets in and out of LOTS of relationships. I'm so glad we're just friends now.

[Salucious]

To be totally honest, I don't think that guys should be criticized for only being attracted to women who are thin/athletic/fit. Besides, most guys don't require "overly thin" women like those described in some of the rants I skimmed through in this thread. Managing weight is about health as well. If I see two girls at a social function, one is 20lbs overweight, and the other has a yoga-sculpted body, of course I'll go for the thinner girl first every time. Because I both am attracted to that physical type, and I relate more to a girl who takes care of herself. It shows confidence, discipline, and determination. And those girls who are very fit and in shape still go out for ice-cream, pizza, etc. but they get away with it because they have self control and of course they have a healthy lifestyle. America has gotten too used to having a McDonald's and KFC around the corner of every street. It is easy to learn how to eat right and get enough exercise to get to a healthy weight.

 

Overweight girls who blame their single status on guys only liking skinny girls are just making excuses for not developing and maintaing a healthier lifestyle. People have the freedom to live any way they want, yes, but there are clear right ways and wrong ways to live when it comes to taking care of your body, and in effect, your physical attractiveness to the opposite sex.