Guys with hang ups on overweight girls.

[greywolf]

Don't worry. This is the story of many women's lives.

 

I know, but I miss my young nubile breasts. lol

[dragon lady]

Especially since mine make up like 1/3 of my total weight.

SIGH

 

Yeah, yours are gigantic! I just remembered that.

[diabolik]

each person must do what's best for their own body, regardless of their SO. they need to lose weight because THEY believe they're fat and unhappy. gauge their success based on their happiness, and not the perceived happiness from their nonexistent future suitors.

Absolutely. But the woman in the article was not happy with her figure. Her man didn't know what else to do, having brought up the issue many times earlier, only to be met with anger and tears.

 

I think the real takeaway is this:

"Let me tell you a deep dark secret that most men know but never admit. Despite the love they might have for their tubby women, the one thought that keeps going through their heads upon rising and seeing that [very unflattering description removed] beneath the covers is, "Why-oh-why aren't you hot?"

So many women are unhappy with their figures, and don't do anything about it. This is frustrating to men, especially when they feel trapped, or at least restrained, in a LTR/marriage.

 

The aging process is inevitable, but a ring on your finger isn't a safeguard that gives you permission to let yourself go.

And yet it seems that so many people treat it as such. Aside from the few guys with a fat fetish, I'd bet the vast majority of relatively fit men married to overweight women are surprised at what they got in the end.

 

Having seen this happen to friends, I am keen to avoid a similar fate. Hence the observation of what and how much she eats, her relationship toward food (does she eat more when she's emotional), etc. Mostly stuff I wouldn't have cared about back when I wasn't really looking for a LTR/marriage.

 

Oh, I absolutely agree, but I think the debate starts when people who DO have a preference get told they are being "shallow"- the OP did that a few posts into the thread.

 

Then someone else chimes in to say that's it's impossible for lots of people to be slim, and BMI is a conspiracy theory, and maybe it's just healthier to be fat anyways...and the debate is off and running.

Haha, good summary on how this became such a monster thread.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I respectfully think you need professional help, diabolik.

Was your mother fat? Have you had a lot of girlfriends balloon on you?

I just don't get your obsession.

[diabolik]

I respectfully think you need professional help, diabolik.

Thanks, I'll take that under advisement.

 

Was your mother fat? Have you had a lot of girlfriends balloon on you?

No. No.

 

I just don't get your obsession.

We're just having a discussion. I don't recall putting a gun to your head to participate.

[velvette]

the ones who 'let themselves go' after marriage--those are the ones who keep fit for others, and not for themselves. I'm not a health freak, but I know I'll never be fat because I couldn't stand having extra weight on myself. encouraging a true want to be fit, rather than a superficial 'be fit to please others' attitude, would be so much better for the world.

 

eh. fitness is such a touchy subject, since the body is, well, the most intimate container of a person. so it's tough to comment.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Thanks, I'll take that under advisement.

 

 

No. No.

 

 

We're just having a discussion. I don't recall putting a gun to your head to participate.

 

No one did, but I find it interesting that the vast majority of your posts are about how women are letting themselves go and it bothers you. This website has tons of different topics, but you focus on one and it would be cool to know why. lol

[diabolik]

the ones who 'let themselves go' after marriage--those are the ones who keep fit for others, and not for themselves. I'm not a health freak, but I know I'll never be fat because I couldn't stand having extra weight on myself. encouraging a true want to be fit, rather than a superficial 'be fit to please others' attitude, would be so much better for the world.

Absolutely agree. Too bad it ain't easy to tell the difference between the two types prior to settling down.

[dragon lady]

No one did, but I find it interesting that the vast majority of your posts are about how women are letting themselves go and it bothers you. This website has tons of different topics, but you focus on one and it would be cool to know why. lol

 

I think it's his specialty.

 

I can't believe I've read nearly every post on this thread I seriously have absolutely no life.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

the ones who 'let themselves go' after marriage--those are the ones who keep fit for others, and not for themselves. I'm not a health freak, but I know I'll never be fat because I couldn't stand having extra weight on myself. encouraging a true want to be fit, rather than a superficial 'be fit to please others' attitude, would be so much better for the world.

 

eh. fitness is such a touchy subject, since the body is, well, the most intimate container of a person. so it's tough to comment.

 

I think this might take a specific kind of personality trait. Someone who can honestly just exist for their own sake. It's the best way, but it can be tough to get to that point. I think it comes on with experience in life, too.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I think it's his specialty.

 

I can't believe I've read nearly every post on this thread I seriously have absolutely no life.

 

Girrrl. I know. Same here, haha.

Because like I said 6906578058 posts back, there ain't no winning here.

haha

 

*facepalm*

[diabolik]

No one did, but I find it interesting that the vast majority of your posts are about how women are letting themselves go and it bothers you. This website has tons of different topics, but you focus on one and it would be cool to know why. lol

I have friends and relatives who have married women who let themselves go after marriage, some even before kids. Lots of these guys go on to cheat on their overweight wives. Yes, could be that they would have cheated anyway. Could also be that they are no longer physically attracted to their wives.

 

In any event, I'd rather not do down that road. I guess what I'm really trying to understand is:

1. how to tell the difference between the women who stay in shape for themselves vs. those who are doing it just to find a man

2. if I fail to make the correct determination or if she changes later on, then how does a guy discuss weight with a SO who has started to gain weight w/o triggering a nuclear meltdown, engendering resentment, etc.

3. given that most overweight and obese women are unhappy with their figures, why don't so many of them do anything about it?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Depression might be holding them back from taking action. Also I think they focus too much on the body they "don't have" versus the body they could have.

 

That makes you unmotivated. The mindset has to change. You settle in feeling like you'll never be perfect instead of doing things to improve.

[velvette]

1. watching which ones maintained their weight and which ones went up and down and up and down over their lifetime. if you haven't known them long enough, ask them if they've always been that weight (my boyfriend asked me this before we dated, now I recall! HA how romantic =_=).

2. verrry carefully. make it clear it's not about conditional love, even if it kind of is.

3. afraid of failure; if they don't try they can't fail!

 

 

on a first meeting... hmm... I'd be wary of anyone who ate a disproportionate amount of food for their body size. especially 'normal-sized' people who ate really really little.

[diabolik]

Hold the thought - I'll start a new thread asking those questions. We're 42 pages into this one, so we're not gonna get any new responders.

[tiredofvampires]

Well, I don't see any new threads by you, Diabolik, not yet anyway, so I just feel like adding to this one right now (if this was your thread, I'd desist, but it's not, haha.)

 

I think the scenario of a woman using a wedding ring as an excuse to let herself go is a contrived one, at best. Women don't think that way. Women universally want to look attractive, and in this society it's a consensus that you are not attractive if you let yourself go and get overweight. There is not a woman alive who would rather be sitting on her laurels getting plump than being fit and able to wear sexy, revealing clothes, and looking good in a bikini.

 

I don't know of any men who are happy with having a gut, nor women who are happy with having large thighs and butts.

 

Therefore, you've got to consider why this happens. No one's just going, "Ah, now that I am married, it doesn't matter if I look in the mirror and see fat rolls!" Usually, what happens is that stress, depression and hormonal changes all consort to create weight gain in women, particularly after she has had children. And as much as you'd think motivation would just whip anyone right back into the saddle, Diabolik, some women's metabolisms never go back to the way they were before being mothers. And I think you said children are a big priority in your future, so you are going to be running the chance, no matter what guarantees you want to have ahead of time, that your wife may hit post-partum depression (which even Brooke Shields suffered from), and concomittant changes in her figure. Women naturally as they bear children and age will put on more weight, as a rule. We are the fat-storing gender, and so this is usually inevitable to some extent. Yes, there are women who are fit into their 50's and above, even those who have had kids, but many of them are genetically blessed. So I don't know what margin of latitude you're allowing, but over a lifetime, your wife IS going to put on weight, unless she's a. an anomaly of nature or b. a hardcore fanatic to the point that she has a personality complex, and probably would therefore not be that great of a mother.

 

I think that if a person got so depressed that they lost their desire to keep from getting borderline obese, that would be an issue, and if they were resistant to therapy, yes, that is legitimate as complaints go. But I don't think it's something that arises out of a "could care less" attitude about being free to go to pot, since you're married. There's always a problem behind it -- and oftentimes, unfortunately, hubby is part of that problem, because he's been neglecting her anyway, he's not helping enough with the kids, the pressure's all on her, she's not getting out for as much fun as he is and he doesn't seem to care, etc. etc. etc. It's not just "her problem" if she's become depressed to the point that she no longer cares about her body. And a marriage is, you and your partner share your problems -- my problem is your problem and vice versa, so how are we both going to work this through. It's not, "Hey, get off your ass and do something. It's all up to you, I have no part in this.'

 

As I stated on another thread, the problem with shallow priorities when you are looking for a partner isn't so much that you're hurting someone else, but that you're hurting yourself; and that ultimately, you will probably be having to confront your standards in a rude awakening where it's backfired.

 

This is an extreme example, but Diabolik, it seems to me you are absolutely certain that keeping in shape is something you will never have a problem with, that you can always bank on, and that you and your wife need to co-sign on that dotted line. This is "what she and you signed up for." Okay, well what if you got in a terrible car wreck that had you pinned, and they pulled you out with the jaws of life. You escaped lucky to have your life, but one whole side of your body was mangled. They had to amputate your arm at the shoulder, and while they could save the leg, it had pins in it and was smashed in several places, requiring many months of physical therapy.

 

No more gym for you, at least no more bench pressing for life. Lots of time immobilized and recovering, during which time your abs get a bit flabby. Lots of upper body strength gone, let alone your ability to do things around the house. Not to mention your wife now goes to bed next to a man with only one arm and a body looking nothing like "what she married."

 

Do you want the wife who says, "I'm so sorry, but I want to be hugged with both arms. I need you to hold both ass cheeks with both hands when you do doggy on me. I don't like that you have a spare tire now from this. And it just...it's not the same. You're not the man I fell in love with, not like this. Your stump...it just grosses me out. If I stay in this marriage, I know I'm going to end up cheating. This is too much work, and I'm no longer sexually attracted to you. It's the breaks, but it's just how I feel. It's just a preference. I want my divorce."

 

Or would you want the wife that accompanies you to the PT, helps you move your leg each day as the doctor suggests, tells you she's still madly in love with you and that none of this makes a dent in her feelings and attraction for you, and is just grateful she still has you to sleep with at night and make love to, instead of your being in an early grave.

 

This could happen to you, to anyone.

 

And so my worry for you, Diabolik, is not that you're a shallow guy who rejects deserving women (since those deserving women may well find someone else), but that this is gonna some day bite you in the ass, one way or another. That you have an expectation that life has to go according to your plans, and that you believe you're a bit invincible physically, and expect your partner to be, as well. My example is extreme, but not unrealistic. I know people this has happened to. And so, there is unpredictability in life. Your wife's body, while not being maimed in this way, may change in unpredictable ways, even if she is fairly concerned about it. You cannot ask "how do I make sure that I'm getting a woman whose body will remain as it is, when I'm dating her?" because you CAN'T be sure. Even if you pick perfectly, distinguishing between the fit-for-life type and the fit-for-now type, you are going to come up against the unknown and the unpredictable in life, and then what are you going to do?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Having impossible standards is a great way to be single your entire life. Great post, ToV, wish I could rep!

 

Diabolik has harped on the concept that fat women have a smaller dating pool from which to choose a partner and how this should be motivation for change.

 

...In what size shot glass is the dating pool one is creating by eliminating women with any sort of appetite or potential weight gain?? During these times, a vast majority of women have at least some unwanted weight on them. That leaves.....

[servedcold]

I think the scenario of a woman using a wedding ring as an excuse to let herself go is a contrived one, at best. Women don't think that way. Women universally want to look attractive, and in this society it's a consensus that you are not attractive if you let yourself go and get overweight. There is not a woman alive who would rather be sitting on her laurels getting plump than being fit and able to wear sexy, revealing clothes, and looking good in a bikini.

 

Disagree with the above partially. True, the wedding ring in and of itself is not the excuse... children are though. Have seen this dozens of times among married friends. Man and woman marry, everything is great. They have children, both parents move into parenting mode. Both may change physically, put on weight, etc., under those stresses.

 

A certain group of women, in significant numbers, think fairly obviously that once they have had their children, that their days of paying attention to their appearance are over for good. They become sedentary (putting a child in a safety seat is not exercise despite fervent rationalizations to the contrary) and eat whatever is in sight. The man, though he may have changed some also, wonders "where did my attractive wife go?" If he ever even hints at this issue, he is literally crucified by the woman's entire support network. It's all supposed to be about the children in our culture, which may have been a valid position in the old days of tougher living and higher infant mortality, but that line of thinking is absurd today.

 

I see this everywhere, probably 50% of my male married friends suffer in situations like this. Before the children are born, he is an end in himself, after, he is a human wallet, and his needs aren't even on the radar... for the duration of his life.

 

IMO, this is the single largest factor in male cheating in marriages.

 

And as much as you'd think motivation would just whip anyone right back into the saddle, Diabolik, some women's metabolisms never go back to the way they were before being mothers...

 

The above, and what follows are gigantic rationalizations. Sure, it's tough to keep body beautiful after marriage and children, and few men would demand or even expect that. However, the women I see in the marriages I describe above universally DO NOTHING AT ALL to even try to maintain their appearance and sex appeal, eating like horses, getting no real exercise whatsoever. It's as if they take pride in looking like a dowdy, shapeless lump.

 

I'm not making this up. At least 50% of my married male friends suffer in situations like this. What man with common sense and open eyes would sign on the dotted line FOR LIFE unless he was as sure as possible that he would not end up in the situation he sees his friends stuck in?

 

Truth is, that for the vast majority of the bell curve, keeping attractive and fit is just plain easy. Curtailing liquid calories, walking 2 miles a day at a fast pace for 30 minutes, reasonable resistance training, 10 minutes of stretching, watching calorie intake and portions, are all that are required for 95% of the people out there.

 

There's always a problem behind it -- and oftentimes, unfortunately, hubby is part of that problem, because he's been neglecting her anyway, he's not helping enough with the kids, the pressure's all on her, she's not getting out for as much fun as he is and he doesn't seem to care, etc. etc. etc. It's not just "her problem" if she's become depressed to the point that she no longer cares about her body.

 

Sure, there may be these types of issues, which have nothing to do with not taking the small time necessary to stay in shape for the vast majority of people. It is not the chicken and egg problem you describe, at least in my experience, and generally starts with the woman letting herself go into total mommy mode. It's just not that difficult to be a good mother and a good wife at the same time, regardless if he's (or even she is) working extra time to PAY BILLS AND PROVIDE.

 

Okay, well what if you got in a terrible car wreck...

 

thoroughly irrelevant to the discussion here. Sure, life is full of surprises, but in the vast majority of cases, the issue discussed in this thread is completely within control.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

thoroughly irrelevant to the discussion here. Sure, life is full of surprises, but in the vast majority of cases, the issue discussed in this thread is completely within control.

 

No, not irrelevant. He will not accept a woman losing the figure she had when he met her. It is entirely plausible an accident could occur, not just laziness or whatever preventable reason. ToV is just curious of the verdict in that case?

[servedcold]

If you want to start the thread, "If your wife was in a serious, debilitating accident, would you expect her to be a beauty queen afterwards?" go right ahead.

 

or how about, "If your husband got both his arms cut off, would you still expect him to open the door for you?"

 

Why deal with outlier issues instead of the basic issue at hand? as saying again, the answer to this issue for the vast majority of people in the world is pretty darn simple.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

If you want to start the thread, "If your wife was in a serious, debilitating accident, would you expect her to be a beauty queen afterwards?" go right ahead.

 

or how about, "If your husband got both his arms cut off, would you still expect him to open the door for you?"

 

Why deal with outlier issues instead of the basic issue at hand? as saying again, the answer to this issue for the vast majority of people in the world is pretty darn simple.

 

Because the basic issue at hand is a dead horse on the side of the road drawing flies...

ToV was just digging deeper.

[ProtestTheHero]

As much as I respect you ToV, that kind of post is the one that I've argued about with you on the forums and in PM's. Where in that post is the woman taking any sort of accountability for gaining weight? I see lots of blame and rationalization, but I see zero accountability.

 

I also agree with Servedcold in the sense that I know a lot of parents (male and female both, mostly females though that do this) that say that they're a mom now and don't have time to worry about "xxxxxxxxxxxxxx," and more often then not their kids are at an age where they can fend for themselves the majority of the time.

 

Bringing in hypotheticals that are 100% OUT OF YOUR CONTROL are irrelevant to a discussion that has everything to do with the effort WITHIN YOUR CONTROL. Holding someone accountable for being struck by lightning is ridiculous. Holding someone accountable because of their poor habits is not. Why are some of you ignoring this distinction?

 

If I was in a serious accident, I wouldn't expect anyone to stick around. I have no desire to be a burden on anyone, so I'LL at least answer that question.

[velvette]

crap everyone's arguments are so good!

I know I want someone who would stick around, serious accident and all, and I would want myself to stick around for him too. however, having not been in that situation, I can't say I or he REALLY would (even though idealistically we would). just like, I'd like to say I'll stick with my girl even if she gets obese (if I was a guy), but when reality happens and no longer being attracted or satisfied sexually etc...

 

idk it's all a blame game. the guy blames the girl for not keeping fit. the girl blames the guy for not loving her more. BOTH parties can change. the guy can focus on parts he DOES still love, ie her boobs/hair/eyes/whatever. the girl can learn healthier habits.

 

ideally both stop blaming the other and focus solely on their own hangups.

[velvette]

It's just not that difficult to be a good mother and a good wife at the same time, regardless if he's (or even she is) working extra time to PAY BILLS AND PROVIDE.

 

 

 

this I thoroughly disagree with though.

[rocio]

this I thoroughly disagree with though.

 

So do I. I agreed with the rest of his post but this part, no way. That's not to say that a woman needs not keep trying. Just that it's pretty much impossible to be good at everything all at once.