Guys with hang ups on overweight girls.

[ghost69]

If we want to talk about exceptions, check out this guy:

 

He's the fattest man in the world and he just got married. In true ENA tradition, I'm going to say that there is hope for everyone!

 

 

 

wife probably wanted the publicity or the 'fame'.

[velvette]

* * * it looks like he has a tumour on the side. how on earth did he even meet her, since I imagine he's stuck at home 25/7? unless she was his nurse or something.

[greywolf]

oh come on you guys... just let the man be happy.

[dragon lady]

* * * it looks like he has a tumour on the side. how on earth did he even meet her, since I imagine he's stuck at home 25/7? unless she was his nurse or something.

 

I don't know how they met, but they had been together for 6 years before they married. Apparently she never left his side. Now she has helped him lose a ton of weight. He's lost like 400 lbs since the wedding. His highest weight was over 1200 lbs.

[rocio]

I’d guess that he’s in a graduate program or recently laid off and looking for work. And if I’m correct, your ‘exception’ is hardly an exception.

 

Well, yeah, he's doing a PhD and I know that he will provide a very good life for us one day. So yeah, not quite an exception, I suppose. Although he's never had money as long as I've known him. If I was shallow, I wouldn't have been happy to support our family while he pursues his dreams. I wouldn't be perfectly content living in our crappy two bedroom apartment while my colleagues (some of whom make even less than me) are buying up luxury downtown condos and gorgeous acreages in the country.

 

For a small fraction of women, a man's income is important. I'm not going to judge them and I think it's great that they know what they want in life, and don't try to talk themselves out of it. I wouldn't want those women to marry poor men, then spend the rest of their lives making those men feel like losers because they couldn't buy them fendi handbags. Likewise, if a man isn't attracted to overweight women, I wouldn't want him to marry one and harass her to lose weight.

 

We want what we want - no use trying to talk ourselves out of it.

 

However, I've experienced the kind of love where, at any weight and any income, he's still the only man I want... I still feel like the luckiest lady in the world. I feel sorry for anyone who will never experience that kind of love.

[jenny_mcs]

I think an important difference is that it is not possible for everyone to make a lot of money. Nearly everyone can lose extra weight if they wanted to.

 

Have to disagree with this one. There are people for whom it is easier to be fit- they have good genes, they were taught good eating habits from an early age, their body responds well to exercise and diet changes, they don’t have diseases or chronic conditions, etc.

 

There are also people for whom it is an easier path to career success/making lots of money. They had parents who paid for their college, went to good high schools which led to higher test scores and admittance to better colleges, they were taught from an early age about managing money & debt, they don’t have conditions like dyslexia or ADD that might impede study/work etc.

 

Conversely there are people who come to the table with disadvantages in both these areas.

 

The vast majority of people can be fit, and the vast majority of people can be successful financially IF they put the work into it.

 

I find the comparisons between wanting a partner with low body fat and wanting a partner with a big bank account to be very appropriate.

[Zeitgeist]

Have to disagree with this one. There are people for whom it is easier to be fit- they have good genes, they were taught good eating habits from an early age, their body responds well to exercise and diet changes, they don’t have diseases or chronic conditions, etc.

Again, this is the exception that does not disprove the rule. While this may be true for a small percentage of people, out of the people who are overweight and complaining about being rejected for it, how many ARE in fact living a healthy lifestyle? If they're perfectly happy the way they are and don't mind waiting for someone to accept them for their weight, that's fine. To each their own - I say live and let live. That's not the problem though. The problem is complaining about it as if there's something wrong with guys who reject them for their weight. Again, it's the whole notion that the universe should change for them.

 

And excusing someone for not being taught good eating habits is akin to excusing someone for poor hygiene because their parents never had them shower or brush their teeth. That might be a good explanation, but it doesn't mean I owe it to them to date them. Don't get me wrong. I have a lot of compassion and support for people who are overweight and I wouldn't ever look down upon their issue. And honestly, it takes quite a few extra pounds to completely turn me off. But what rubs me the wrong way is when it's suggested that the onus is on me (or other guys) to overlook it.

 

While this topic is about weight, it really applies to just about anything, right? What it boils down to is that you have to learn to accept the things you can't change or won't change, and motivate to change the things you can and want to change (regardless of difficulty). After that, all you can do is cross your fingers and hope for the best.

[greywolf]

And excusing someone for not being taught good eating habits is akin to excusing someone for poor hygiene because their parents never had them shower or brush their teeth. That might be a good explanation, but it doesn't mean I owe it to them to date them.

 

You could apply that same logic to someone who doesn't go to school.

[Zeitgeist]

You could apply that same logic to someone who doesn't go to school.

*shrug* Sure. Does that contradict my point?

[jenny_mcs]

Again, this is the exception that does not disprove the rule.

 

You should go back and re-read the entire thread. I am one of the few people on it is is saying that I think it's possible for almost anyone to be fit, and personally would not date an over weight person.

 

Likewise, I think it's possible for almost everyone to be successful and make good money.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I want to ask a purely benign question. As long as your own weight and the weight of your partner is satisfactory, why would anyone care about the weight of others?

 

I don't think anyone was suggesting a person has to accept something about a potential partner that they don't like. The original post was a girl feeling sad about being turned down; wondering if she needed to be a particular size. Well for some guys she does, and for some others she doesn't. She should be whatever size she likes. You can't live for someone else. You cannot ever please everyone.

 

Personally, I wouldn't date a guy that smokes pot, but you don't really see many threads going into great detail and heated discussions in opposition and defense of having that preference. Debating preference is a pointless, foolish thing to do. Someone sees it as judgmental, and someone else agrees. You cannot debate past that. You cannot change someone's mind.

 

In many ways, honestly, a guy coming out and stating his preference is a good thing. It's like a free glimpse into the future that tells me this guy isn't right for me. End of story. I can secretly think he's a bad person or whatever I want, but it's up to me not to take offense and just find someone who doesn't have that preference.

 

We can say men are born to like skinny young women and women are born to like rich older men. Far too many fat women and poor men are happily married and thriving to really say they should just off themselves because they don't hold up to biological standards. Never mind the cougar trend.

These are exceptions that do cast major doubt on the rule. Since emotions and partnering cannot necessarily be empirically derived, they cannot be "dis-proven". They cannot be "proven", for that fact. Anthropologically speaking we are talking about trends, not truths.

 

Partnering preferences vary more by culture than anything. Trends in fashion and economics really drive what we accept. Hundreds of years ago it was considered posh to be pale and overweight. Currently, many heavier African American and Hispanic women are heralded by men. These trends will change constantly and there isn't much we can do about it.

 

You have to agree to disagree and I would hope accept that everyone is going to look different and want different things out of life. It doesn't matter that much at the end of the day.

[velvette]

yesterday, right after reading the 'why-oh-why' thingy, I was thinking 'yeah, he's right, I need to stay fit out of obligation to my SO'. I guess he has a seductively convincing way of writing. but then I thought about it some more, watched harold & maude (love story between a boy and an 80-year-old; he obviously loves her for her personality, and she is beautiful to him because he loves her), and decided no! that's not right.

 

each person must do what's best for their own body, regardless of their SO. they need to lose weight because THEY believe they're fat and unhappy. gauge their success based on their happiness, and not the perceived happiness from their nonexistent future suitors.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I agree 100%. Fitness is a personal choice/commitment. You can stay skinny and hot for him all day but if your partner is a creep, he's going to be a creep.

 

Look at Christie Brinkley, for instance. She's over 50 and HOT! But she was cheated on.

Life is a whole package and you have to look out for YOU. Fitness is worth the work to live a longer and better life, not to please someone. Cause if your body is in good shape he'll hate your hair....

 

 

And with that article, of course it is convincing. We know being overweight is frowned upon and no one wants to be "ugly" or not worthy. It's a fear most of us have. So an article like that, while valid in some ways definitely, is going to scare you down the wrong path.

[Sparkly Eyes]

such a good post and very true. The sentence in bold should be written in gold.

[ProtestTheHero]

The only thing I'll say is that you should strive to maintain the figure that you first had when things got serious. That's part of what he said yes to, and he should be held to the same standard. The aging process is inevitable, but a ring on your finger isn't a safeguard that gives you permission to let yourself go.

[jenny_mcs]

 

Personally, I wouldn't date a guy that smokes pot, but you don't really see many threads going into great detail and heated discussions in opposition and defense of having that preference. Debating preference is a pointless, foolish thing to do. Someone sees it as judgmental, and someone else agrees. You cannot debate past that. You cannot change someone's mind.

 

 

Oh, I absolutely agree, but I think the debate starts when people who DO have a preference get told they are being "shallow"- the OP did that a few posts into the thread.

 

Then someone else chimes in to say that's it's impossible for lots of people to be slim, and BMI is a conspiracy theory, and maybe it's just healthier to be fat anyways...and the debate is off and running.

[velvette]

life is always changing. should he have to maintain his salary, even if the economy goes down? should he have to maintain his libido, as when they first got serious, since that was part of him she was attracted to? nothing is a guarantee, and unconditional love should be unconditional. I am lucky to be receiving this sort of love, and I must learn to love more like this.

 

if you're casually dating, OK, sure, your love is necessarily conditional since you have limited time and there's "always more fish in the sea". but when you're serious about someone, you DON'T dump them over surface things. because that fish has been with you through time and experience, and you've grown together as two like fish. of course physical repulsion would be bad, but generally if you love someone you aren't physically repulsed by them. because you love them, you find them beautiful, warts and all.

 

 

you should strive to maintain the figure that makes you most happy, and that is that. overweight people complaining about their weight and NOT making an effort annoys me, but their reasons for losing weight should come from inner motivation and not their SO's nagging.

[Sparkly Eyes]

The only thing I'll say is that you should strive to maintain the figure that you first had when things got serious. That's part of what he said yes to, and he should be held to the same standard. The aging process is inevitable, but a ring on your finger isn't a safeguard that gives you permission to let yourself go.

 

This I agree.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

The only thing I'll say is that you should strive to maintain the figure that you first had when things got serious. That's part of what he said yes to, and he should be held to the same standard. The aging process is inevitable, but a ring on your finger isn't a safeguard that gives you permission to let yourself go.

 

I do agree. But as life goes on boobs drop and we get wrinkles. Bodies change even if you do everything right. If people can't handle that they shouldn't buy the ring.

[cat_lady]

I wouldn't classify a lack of motivation to stay in shape as a surface thing.

[ProtestTheHero]

Their SO has every right to nag if they've used their union as an excuse to gain weight. That's very disrespectful to your partner.

 

The economy example does not fit. You have no control over the economy, but you do have control over what you do with your body.

 

There is no such thing as unconditional love in a romantic relationship...with your children, yes. With your spouse? No. Unconditional means you love him regardless of what he does, but I'm sure you'd leave him if he abused you or cheated or something like that. That means it's conditional.

 

Now, if one or both partners entered into the serious relationship ALREADY overweight, then the SO has no right to nag because he knew what he was getting, and if either party wants to lose weight it has to be because they want to independent of any pressure.

 

Boobs dropping = "inevitable aging process" as I specifically mentioned, and it's uncontrollable. "Hey, he married me, I can eat 50 oreos because our love is unconditional" is BS.

[cat_lady]

I do agree. But as life goes on boobs drop and we get wrinkles. Bodies change even if you do everything right. If people can't handle that they shouldn't buy the ring.

 

Yes - but so what. See, I think that's just like saying.. well, I'm going to die eventually so why bother doing anything?

 

I think its just respect for yourself. Yes, my boobs will be saggy when I'm 60. But I'm going to avoid them from becoming saggy for as long as possible by doing push-ups. I like myself enough to want to look good, husband or not.

[dragon lady]

Yes - but so what. See, I think that's just like saying.. well, I'm going to die eventually so why bother doing anything?

 

I think its just respect for yourself. Yes, my boobs will be saggy when I'm 60. But I'm going to avoid them from becoming saggy for as long as possible by doing push-ups. I like myself enough to want to look good, husband or not.

 

Does this work ?

[cat_lady]

Does this work ?

 

It doesn't "technically" work, but push-ups work your pectoral muscles which keep them looking perky. Depending on how much sagging you have, they can also give your breasts the appearance of looking bigger.

[dragon lady]

It doesn't "technically" work, but push-ups work your pectoral muscles which keep them looking perky. Depending on how much sagging you have, they can also give your breasts the appearance of looking bigger.

 

No thanks!

 

I wouldn't classify mine as "saggy" yet, but I definitely need a bra. When I was 16 I had big ones and didn't need a bra. This is not the case anymore. I imagine they will continue to go with gravity over the next few years. I will try working the pecs, but if they get bigger I will blame you!