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I'd like feedback on how others feel and react to being the victim of an emotional affair.

Last week I picked up my husbands phone because he had fallen asleep and it vibrated while I was walking by it. There were several text msgs from "Diet Sprite" and the last text I read was, "ok sweetie, I love you, goodnite-I'll talk to you tomorrow". I felt like i was going into shock. We have a great marriage (I thought)- we have sex regularly and do lots together. Long story short, I confronted him about it, he took 2 hours to tell me who it was-there was not physical contact except for a kiss I think-- we have talked about it, he knows he is wrong and has promised me he would not contact her again or text her. He also told her not to text or contact him. It's been 4 days and I feel so depressed and sad and anxious. We have had sex, we have had good conversation about all this, but I am still amazed that this went on for 5 months. I was clueless. He has been really sweet and loving since all this happened, but I still feel like I am sick to my stomach. I don't really know how to get past these feelings and move on. I don't even feel like myself.

 

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How do you know things didn't get physical? The statement of "I love you goodnite.." is rather strong for just an emotional affair of 5 months. This is a time of a lot of uncertainty right now, and a violation of trust in your marriage. THis won't be figured out overnight and I'm really sorry to hear about what's happened. Hopefully there is good news here, but be very strong and get to the bottom of this. He lied to you big time.

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He has promised me that nothing physical happened- (HA- I know that is a JOKE) - the other reason that I think that nothing happened physically is that it is 4 hours away-- and she is also married-- the last 2 times he went up there he went with another family we are friends with and I have talked to my friend that was traveling with him, and she said she feels sure there was not an "opportunity"-- he did say they discussed "meeting" somewhere, but that it just never could work out since both of them are married.

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He has promised me that nothing physical happened- (HA- I know that is a JOKE) - the other reason that I think that nothing happened physically is that it is 4 hours away-- and she is also married-- the last 2 times he went up there he went with another family we are friends with and I have talked to my friend that was traveling with him, and she said she feels sure there was not an "opportunity"-- he did say they discussed "meeting" somewhere, but that it just never could work out since both of them are married.

 

The intent was there. He was trying to meet up with her and they likely would have had sex if he hasn't done so already.

 

Major violation of the marriage rule book!

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I'm going with 'his truth' here when I say....

 

Everyone makes mistakes, even married fools who feel flattered. I personally wouldnt give up my marriage over this however much I would feel like at this time- A strong marriage can and will survive much more than any stupid infatuation with a stranger over the course of time.

 

But if he disrespected me again ater his promise and commitment not to be in touch with her again things would be different.

 

Right now he needs to be a complete open book until you trust him again, which might be a very long time. If he doesnt like it, then tough on him. He needs to do regardless that so you can learn to trust him again, and besides if he has nothing to hide from now on, he won't feel the need to hide anything from you.

 

Hopefully this will be the wake-up call he needs. Good Luck.

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Thanks for this feed back amipushy, I really feel like he knows he messed up and this was just an "ego trip" gone bad. I have a lot of questions I will be asking of him... This was just such a huge shock-- I know this sounds so cliche'- but it is true-- I never thought he would do this-- I think even he is having trouble believing it happened. He just wants things to be back to "normal" but I feel like things won't be "normal" again...

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Thanks for this feed back amipushy, I really feel like he knows he messed up and this was just an "ego trip" gone bad. I have a lot of questions I will be asking of him... This was just such a huge shock-- I know this sounds so cliche'- but it is true-- I never thought he would do this-- I think even he is having trouble believing it happened. He just wants things to be back to "normal" but I feel like things won't be "normal" again...

 

You CAN survive this and it can bring you closer together than every before. And you can be happy again. But these things take time, lots and lots of time, lots of hard work and lots of effort.

 

Sometimes (on both sides) the realisation of nearly losing each other can build bigger stronger walls than ever before - walls that nobody can ever break through again.But they have to be built together. If only one has their heart in it, they will be building walls of sand.

 

Forgiveness and trust are the ways forward for you both.

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amipushy, thanks for your positive feedback--I have found if he lets me asks lots of questions I seem to do better -- he is being very forthcoming which helps a lot. I think things are progressing as much as they can at this point, and I feel 100% better than I did yesterday. I would encourage any victim of this to ask questions until you feel satisfied you know as much as you can stomach.

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Alabama - what's he going to do to ensure this doesnt happen again? Apart from promising it won't, I mean.

 

Is he getting any IC? Is he reading anything? Theres a book called "Not Just Friends" that people over at SI push a lot. H and I have both read it. It's a bit.. basic.. but parts are enlightening.

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"ok sweetie, I love you, goodnite-I'll talk to you tomorrow".

 

he took 2 hours to tell me who it was-there was not physical contact except for a kiss

He says there was no physical contact "except for a kiss" ??? I'm sorry, but he found the time to kiss this other woman, you can be sure there was time for other things.

 

If I ever found out my husband has been having an emotional affair, to the point of receiving "I love you" messages and meeting up with her and kissing her (and most likely all the rest), I'd show him the door so fast he won't know what hit him, but that's just me.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It must be awful.

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INdigo777-- what is IC? I'm sorry, I'm new at this sort of thing....what is SI? I guess I'm an idiot!

He has promised it won't happen again, he let things get out of hand (he says) and he has learned his lesson (again, this is what he said). He is embarrassed and extremely remorseful. I have told one friend who is familiar with BOTH individuals involved and she seems to think this is correct, that he is VERY scared and regrets it-- she said for me not to let him off too easy though-- go at my own pace and that sort of thing.

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Capircorn3- I understand your response. Believe me, I feel like a complete FOOL--- he claims that they didn't have the opportunity to do anything else-- too many people in close proximity and also the distance is a 4 hour drive for them to meet separately. He said they DID talk about it though...I just want to see her again - not to say anything- just to GLARE at her! I know -- I sound so stupid. I don't know what I want to do now.... Just trying to take it day by day.

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Yes, I've told him - no calls, no emails, no texts-- NOTHING. He cld her and told her not to contact him again and not to text or anything that this had gotten out of hand and he didn't want to hurt me ( a little late for that ) -- she was worried HER husband would find out but said she would really miss their "talks" and could they be friends? He said he "didn't know" -- however, I told him they CANNOT be friends of any kind- and he needs to tell her that if she calls or contacts him. He said that he would tell her if she contacts him-- and yesterday he volunteered (without my asking) that so far he had not heard from her.

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Yes, I've told him - no calls, no emails, no texts-- NOTHING. He cld her and told her not to contact him again and not to text or anything that this had gotten out of hand and he didn't want to hurt me ( a little late for that ) -- she was worried HER husband would find out but said she would really miss their "talks" and could they be friends? He said he "didn't know" -- however, I told him they CANNOT be friends of any kind- and he needs to tell her that if she calls or contacts him. He said that he would tell her if she contacts him-- and yesterday he volunteered (without my asking) that so far he had not heard from her.

 

Well that is a good start I guess, just as long as he is forth coming with you and not trying to secretly talk to her behind your back.

 

How are you doing today, btw?

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Yesterday and today have been really good-- I just feel a little insecure and inadequete which is not exactly normal for me-- I mean, I'm usually a much more self-confident person- but stuff like this really messes with your head. It is always in the back of my mind ya know?

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I think you are letting him off too lightly. I'd be demanding individual counselling (IC) as a minimum. The fact that he said "I don't know if we can be friends" to her - and the fact that he'll agree to tell her they can't be, now that you have demanded it, if she contacts him - instead of just taking the initivie himself to kill it off completely right now - to me says that he's leaving that door just a little open.

 

Rememeber, if you hadnt seen that text - God knows where this would have gone in the next couple of years.

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well emotional or physical it seems like cheating and 2 hours to tell you who was she.. that's like something I went through but my husband never told me who anyway you should keep him though if he told her not to text him or contact with him and I know it would be frustrating for you to make sure he doesn't I know your probably hurting so bad...but if you love him you have to work things out and not break your heart.

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Indigo777- thanks for your thoughts and suggestions. I am really thinking of making him read some stuff about emotional affairs at the very miniumum. Also, if I see any evidence of this reoccurring I told him there won't be a 2nd chance. This is both of ours 2nd marriage- it's been 9 years June 3.

This all happened 1 week ago yesterday, so it's still pretty "fresh" and he is trying really hard (right now).

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Fawzeya- so you went through this as well? How are things now? I was so furious when he wouldn't tell me who it was-- I basically just told him we could NEVER get past this if he didn't tell me who it was! I would go crazy not knowing who it was....

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Things are good now between me and my husband I got over what happened or anything that was said behind my back because I felt hurt so bad at times and thought things can't get any better and I will never forget this but I can get over it for I truly love my husband and I don't want to hurt him. leaving him will hurt him. I know he's a good person and he would do anything for me to stay with him forever. I knew who she was but he claimed he doesn't know her. he never said anything about her except after a long while . he kept telling me he hates her and that she's not his friend anymore and she was rude to me, she wasn't understanding she would say or do anything because she doesn't want us together.

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